So I have been raising my son now for what is classed as lone father for 2 and a half years having him on average 4 nights of the working week with most of the weekends thrown in. This is a happy arrangement for me and I submitted the child benefit and everything else to my ex in order for me to have the time with my son. I put average of 4 nights a week but this usually turns out to be 5 or 6 sometimes, now I am getting to the stage I am with a new partner and have been for over a year now and we are expecting our new child this year. However I am finding it more difficult now with making arrangements with my ex making days that I am having him then taking them away when she feels like it. Now i am thinking of applying for custody in order to make the best interests of my son the main priority as she arranges times then breaks them off leaving my son crying and telling me he doesnt want to go. He is now just over 3 years old and I am really asking for help on the situation and if I went for it what are my chances? I provide a loving family home and my partner is on hand to pick him up from nursery each day if needs be and he has grandparents and an uncle and aunt and a great grandad all next door. He is much better off with me but I still dont think I have much of a right because if she turns round as said i am not seeing him I cant do much about it currently. Does anyone have any advice?!
Many thanks,
Steve
Thanks! I have done this already and am just waiting for word back, was unsure as to how long it would take so I thought I would put the feelers out there with my first every forum!
Always nice to hear other peoples thoughts on these situations.
Hello Surreydad1985
Glad you have emailed the Legal Expert, you should get a response withint the next few days.
The thing for children this age is consistency as I am sure you appreciate. Our expert may recommend that you go to mediation in order to formalise an agreement. I would just add a word of caution: it might be hard to "prove" you have been the parent with the majority care if she holds the Child Benefit entitlement and so it will be your word against hers. Hope the solicitor has some favourable news for you, though 
Hi Surreydad1985
I am sure you will hear back from our experts shortly.
I am not sure of the legal side at all or what your chances would be, because it often all depends on the judge of the day and their thoughts on the subject.
Do you think your ex is a good parent? Is she stable? Do you think it would be in your son's best interests to live with you, or is it that you want to have the consistency of seeing him?
Well I have a calendar record of all my time with him and there are various people who are around the house, my partner, mother, grandad as well as my brother and his partner, so when it comes down to it I have lots of records and lots of people that can verfiy the nights. I dont think that way would be a problem.
I think the mediation would be a good idea but I feel it would cost just a lot of money on my side of things with her then not agreeing to things or just wasting time as I would be footing the bill.
My point is that with my family now expanding I want him to have his family life sorted and know where he is supposed to be, but she seems to arrange things and then change the plans when it suits her not worrying about how it will effect him as he was saying that he didnt want to leave this weekend and made me feel bad about letting him go. It is heartbreaking and I am just looking to get everything sorted. It is not that she is a bad mum to him but she seems to pick when she wants him and doesnt mattter what anyone else wants. I have fought to get to see my son at 4 nights of the week with every other weekend thrown in, but with that said I pick up her weekends some time when she wants to work or go out and I am happy to do it, but sometimes it gets offered we change our weekend to have him and get really excited and happy about it then she turns up on the doorstep and says that it is not happening and that she never agreed to such things, even gets a family member there as if she is expecting me to make a scene.
Just getting fed up of it all really and hoping to find out where I stand with things as I have him more often throughout the months and years and think I should be considered his main carer.
welcome - surrey dad i am not sure if this would work but i have learned my lesson with my youngest who is now 10 - i now tell her on the day more or less when things are planned - she gets really cross and upset if i have to cancel things - not necessarily contact but she cant deal with things changing so if we have planned to see friends and they cancel or if i have changed my mind about doing something - i wondered if as your son is only 3 could you leave it till the last minute to say he is going to see your ex so as to avoid the disappointment - others may disagree with saying at the last minute but i find it works for us
Well i dont really tell him the plan for the day he was just happy playing in his room with my partners daughter who is basically a sister to him and they were playing so nicely when she decided to turn up and cause a scene demanding she see him as it was actually her weekend to have him but she said I could as she wanted to go out on friday and saturday nights. We agreed I would have him saturday night and then all day sunday this would give her the chance to go out then recover, then she turns up sunday demanding him when he is nice and stable at home.
ok i see - that is difficult then - i thought you meant that you got him ready and then she cancelled
would it be an option if she just turns up to ask her to pop back to give you time to get him organised
it is so difficult as i am learning with my ex that i can't be responsible for or change his behaviour i can only change my reaction to it so if it doesn't upset the kids i let it go and if he can't organise himself and give me notice and we already have plans then that is his hard luck!
not sure what you can do in that situation - i am sure someone else will be along with some helpful advice!
However many arrangements we might make with our ex, they can never be completely set in stone. I like what you say littleredhen, that you can't be responsible or change your ex's behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.
So Surreydad1985, can you think of a different way of dealing with it? Your son's mum obviously adores your boy, but sounds as though she is not great with the consistency. If you know this and are aware of this then is there any way you can work with it?
It sounds as though you might have been the stable one in your relationship and I understand you wanting that for your son, but I do believe you want him to have his mum too. So what can you change? Does she always come and collect him? Could you deliver him instead? Could you decide that all arrangements are done via text in the future or email?
Well this is the thing she does adore him butit seems to be when it suits her. I have my nights with my son set Mon,weds, Fri and then all weekend one week then the next weekend is meant to be her one. But come her weekend she either says she is working or going out to see friends, I agree to have my son because anytime with him, to me, is the most precious thing.
I always do the dropping off and picking up of my son which is why when she turns up on the doorstep demanding him when she has said I am having I have situations like this and then it in turn upsets him because he is happy at the house and as far as he knows he is staying for the day as he hasnt been dropped off to his mum in the morning.
The arrangements via text or email is very good idea because at least then I have it down and recorded that the times she says is the times that I have on a clear message from her. I do write everything down anyway and keep calendar dates and a diary of everytime that is arranged and when I have him. I like to do this in case like she has done in the past she threatens to cut my time with him because she wants money off of me or just does it to spite me. This way if it did come to some legal proceedings I would be able to show I have a record of all the time he has been with as opposed to her. I currently have said all tax credits are hers which also entitles her to her housing, in exchange for this all I wanted was time with my son.
So as it turns out I do have him a lot more than her, even more so now he is at nursery, i just wish things like this would change were she can use taking my time with him away as a threat whenever something is not going her way. That is why I have asked the legal team if there is anything I can do as I dont ever want to be without him as I have secured so much time with him since we seperated when he was 5 months old, he is now 3 years and 5 months old and every minute with him has been amazing. I am now about to have my second child with my partner who already has a daughter and I just want to make sure I dont have any of this hanging over my head before our little one arrives. The last thing i want is for trouble with my son's mother to come back and effect him and my family.
I think though Anna that your idea of getting times and arrangements in text is very good as then it shows what we have agreed as the weekend just gone she turned up and had her dad hide round the corner and purposely changed the dates expecting me to be really annoyed then have her dad hear everything round the corner. I stayed calm though explained to her what she had agreed then when she wasnt getting her own way she got her dad to come have a word with me, I again explained what had been said and set out but she kept saying I was a liar and i was doing it on purpose so she couldnt see our son, which was absolute non-sense as I have never wanted that from day one. As you can imagine i just want a stop to this kind of behaviour for my son, my family and my new little baby i have on the way as it is not good for anyone.
Hi Surreydad1985
Just to say that it sounds as if you have handled this really well. Staying calm is the answer, I am sure.
So there is something about putting the arrangements in black and white? It just reminded me of a friend of mine who has decided to draw up a "table" of dates for the next few months. Of course it is not inflexible but it does make her daughter's dad feel "pinned down" to dates.
However your son's mum behaves, however,(and we can't change other people) your priority is to be the best dad you can and to nurture your relationship with your lovely son
Hi Surreydad1985, you might be interested in this co-parenting form to help with some decisions and ideas.
I agree with Louise, it sounds as though you are dealing with this in a very respectful fashion and seem to have your son's best interests at heart. Brilliant that you are keeping a record of everything, this is useful if it ever has to go to court.
How well do you get on with your ex's dad?
Hi Surreydad. Welcome along. You could e.mail our legal experts. It's all confidential. Click on the blue link here