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Hi, I have sole custody of DD now age 5yrs, I separated when DD was 3yrs so I have had sole custody for two years. Ex-h now wants joint custody, originally he was wanting DD Friday after school to Sunday evening every weekend!! Since I told him I will be seeking legal advice and he would be lucky to get every other weekend at the most, he now wants to start having DD every other weekend AND visits 2-5pm on the Sundays in between.
Current arrangements are that every week except last week of the month on Sunday at 2-5pm DD is with her dad (and another adult i.e. supervised access) it has to be supervised due to his many health problems which I won't go into here. I want to keep these arrangements as they are. I don't want him to have whole weekends until the court says he can. I have told him that I will be having legal advice but that the first appointment is not until the 2 December.
I would be interested to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. What did you do before you went to court? Did you give the non-resident parent weekend visits or did you say no not until the court has decided?
My ex-h is a bully and verbally agressive, his texts sound angry and immature. I always text back politely and factually correctly, it takes self-control but I do it because I know if I was rude he would use it against me, so it's not worth it.
I am not trying to be difficult I have genuine concerns for my DD's safety and wellbeing, my own G.P. does not believe that he would get residency, she is basing her opinion on his medical records.
hi englishrose welcome to this site i second what louise says in her posting and stay posting and try to stay calm
Hi englishrose louise is right, please stay calm and stronge. This is his way of getting to you, don't let him.
Hello,
I'm back to square one, the Ex had an appointment on Monday at the same firm of solicitors that I was due to see on Thursday! I have had to cancel my appointment as they won't deal with the both of us and he somehow got there first!
Oh well I told him he will just have to wait until I can get an appointment at another family law firm.
He has agreed to stick to the current contact arrangements for now so that's a bonus.
Feeling positive today
Yes that's good, you need to feel like that, be strong.
My ex did that to me as well, contacted the same solicitor, but I was there first and when they said no, he reported them to the police 
You just have to stick with what has been agreed previously, it is him who has delayed things by going to them.
Dear englishrose, it sounds as though you are being incredibly compromising. You must stick to your guns. Do you know of another good solicitor in your area?
Is he trying for joint custody or residency, because he wants this for his daughter, or is he using this as a way to continue his abusive behaviour towards you?
If you have genuine concerns and safety of your daughter I personally would really think hard about what contact you want her to have - NOT what he wants to have.
It is about your daughters rights to see her father, however as a mother with custody, you do have a right to say whether it is in your daughters best interests to have an abusive bully in her life too.
This is a horrible time for you, do you speak with your local womens aid??
Thank you all for your comments. I'm waiting for a friend who is a retired solicitor to give me some recommendations on the local solicitor firms.
I have insisted that we continue with the contact arrangements that we already had i.e. Sunday afternoons 2-5pm, and that there will be no change unless we have been to court and the judge decides to change the contact arrangements.
I will be applying for a residence order which up until now has not been necessary for me to do as he had inadequate accommodation.
It is not really my ex-h who is keen to have my DD for more contact (before he got engaged he only saw his DD for an hour a week at the most and half of that was him talking to me and ignoring DD) he is just going along with what his fiancee wants - I can tell she is desperate to be a step-mum and has bought my DD lots of toys almost one every week (much more than I buy my DD).
On one occasion I told my DD that when she is older if mummy is able to save up then I will treat her to a nice holiday maybe DisneyLand Paris if I am able to afford it or Center Parcs (we haven't had a holiday since she was two) I was just trying to cheer her up and give her something to look forward to. A few weeks later my DD said this "dad's fiancee said something nice" I replied "Oh what's that ?" DD replied "dad's fiancee says I can go to DisneyLand with dad and dad's fiancee instead of going with mummy". Obviously she didn't actually say "dad's fiancee" she used her name but I have to keep it anonymous and I can't think of a shorter version that makes sense.
Anyway my point on the above paragraph is that it is the ex-h's fiancee that is keen on contact and is saying inappropriate things to my DD. It is not ok for her to tell my DD that she will take her on holiday instead of me it is wrong and just plain rude. They don't even have any contact agreements in place regarding holidays, I will not be letting them take her on holiday unless a judge tells me that I have to let them and I'm sure when the judge hears the witnesses they will not. I have not confronted ex-h's fiancee on this issue as I suspect it is all just talk and they don't have the money or the rights to take her anyway.
Anna - you are right why would I let my DD have an abusive bully in her life? I thought I had to let her see him all the time she wants to see him. There was only one occasion when she sat up in bed one night and sobbed her heart out and said I don't want to see daddy anymore. She wouldn't explain why so I said it's ok but you must tell him on the phone and mummy will be there to help you. But the next day she changed her mind, I asked her what made her change her mind and she said - he buys me presents.
I told her that that wasn't a good reason to see him but she ignored this and acted like nothing had happened the night before. Maybe I shouldn't have expected her to tell him, but I didn't think he would believe me. Anyway she seems ok with the visits, she doesn't complain so I have left things as they are. I will seek advice on this when I see a solicitor.
xxx
Hi english rose, yes that will be interesting to see what advice your solicitor friend can give, do let us know.
Hi englishrose
In view of what you have said in the above post I would be inclined to insist on contact as it always has been until you have legal advice. Your 2nd December appointment is only two weeks away. It seems unlikely he would obtain joint custody if his current contact is supervised. Try to stay calm and assertive in the meantime
Has anyone else got experience of this they could share?