Dad dealing with the impossible - any suggestions for educated and thus AWARE help?

Hi Folks (experts all, I hope!)

First off, I'm a parent. The male, "Dad" sort. Normally I wouldn't dream of turning to "a place like this". It's not what men do as parents - it's far too "mamby-pamby". To be frank, I also got fed up a long time ago with seeing the "poor woman/bastard men" approach to dealing with the end of a relationship from too many sources, including the internet! However, in the real world, I know it's not always like that and there comes a time when, for the sake of your own kids I suppose, a Dad does have to consider use of some perhaps scary and alternative new measures.

 

Where to start here then - and why...? What's this all about? I know I can "go on a bit", and so much is interlinked amongst a 30-year financial and emotional horror-story that continues despite divorce, that it's difficult to see precisely what is relevant to put now, and what just adds boring detail! I also have the niggling thought that it doesn't matter what a male parent says because no-one takes it on-board or regards it as genuine or serious anyway! 

 

I reckon I should first state that as a Dad I'm a parent who has always been close to his daughter in the sense of her care and upbringing, and vice-versa as regards care for another human-being as a person in their own right I suppose. In her own words, heard often and with a hug in the times since she came to live with me just over a year ago "We're the same, Dad...". To me, that living condition and those words and the wisdom behind them, reveals quite a bit. We care as people, about people - not words to under-estimate, nor an inclination to forget.

 

As a teenager, my daughter came live with me after having lived through the effects  of a prolonged and spiteful divorce process, only allowed to conclusion after my ex-wife found and quickly persuaded a new boyfriend to buy a house with her, 60+ miles away. My daughter didn't want to live there, nor anywhere like it under any circumstance, and had made that clear many times. Nevertheless, I would say that property and the financial value and power available from things as personal assets, and steps to gain these, were always the main focus of my ex-wifes thinking and that of many of her relatives - and I believe I can prove that beyond question. Repeated abuse and even serious criminality became accepted en-route to achieving a gain and appearance some folks crave above all else - and I believe I can prove that aim and associated abuse and criminality beyond doubt. It is a process I became unable to accept seeing, hearing about, or living with as a victim. That's just a proposal and a detail here I guess, but it can be important to have some inkling of the backgrounds other people have come from an experience of.

My daughter wasn't aware of the house purchased as her "new home" because she wasn't told of the plan to buy it beforehand, and the place was bought whilst she was on holiday. Convenient timing... My daughter was taken to "her" new place upon her return from overseas - evidently a distressing "surprise" for a teenage girl to come back to. The maternal focus, and effects of satisfying a desire that my daughter and I both saw revealed as a treacherous process, caused a great deal of upset in all but the new homeowners... My daughter couldn't live with that focus ruling her life either, it would appear. Again it's just a detail amongst many I could give as an illustration, but perhaps it's a revealing one as to the importance that can be given to things rather than to people - and of the outcome of such thinking? 

 

I'm no medical professional, but have come to believe that my ex probably suffers from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and some associated characteristics - I just can't see any other explanation for the extremes of distasteful, inappropriate, anti-social, or demonstrably criminal and yet quite pre-planned behaviour I have known. I would include prolonged verbal/emotional bullying, relentless lies and lying and severe psychological and financial manipulation, theft, repeated deception and fraud, and genuinely psychopathic streaks of behaviour in that personal package - these being characteristics not reserved for direction towards me alone! 

Amongst the effects of satisfying my ex's cravings has been 1) giving up any pension or savings I ever had or may have had, 2) my becoming involved, unwillingly and unknowingly and by way of deception, into the purchase of stolen land and a neglected property, 3) of becoming responsible for a loan I had no idea was planned until presented with papers to sign for it, 4) of being lied to personally, and being lied about to the police and to solicitors and to a Court and to friends and to our own children and so on... 5) of seeing my own child physically and emotionally neglected and emotionally abused - that includes verbal/psychological abuse by maternal relatives and her own brothers brought in to "encourage" my daughter to her mothers liking, suggestions made that my daughter could take drugs, my daughter being given alcohol to the point she was sick in her sleep (brought to my attention by a concerned parent), my daughter being portrayed on the internet in her underwear being sick after drinking, my daughter being unsupervised and left vulnerable in the company of those with an inclination towards drug-taking,, my daughter being left unsupervised and clearly at risk whilst her mother was on holiday overseas with her boyfriend, my daughter being upset by her mother and boyfriends obvious sexual behaviour, and my daughter knowing such distress that she put herself into counselling that she only told Dad about after she found it somewhat ineffective in total, 6) bearing the cost of defending myself and my daughter from these things as best as I've been able to. Again, just details... Sorry if I bore anyone.

 

This is where dealing with the impossible can perhaps be shown to play an interesting and additional part in a Dads difficulties... Divorce was made known as inevitable when my then wife refused twice to engage in mediation I tried to initiate. I was warned that if I tried to divorce her (especially on grounds of mental cruelty and financial impropriety), she would "take me to the cleaners" in response. I backed down in face of a threat I had seen successfully carried through on more than one occasion, and waited for her move. Her mother, in eventual frustration that I would not surrender or somesuch, attacked me in my own home despite the fact that I was recording the event. I had to dial 999 before she would leave. I left the home a few days later, so my daughter could have the home and place of safety she knew.  I didn't want antagonism or needless aggression or distress - I wanted an end to it all, escape to some sort of reason, and maybe chance to build a sensible and safe and sustainable life away from bullies, liars and lunatics!

 

The divorce papers that eventually came were demonstrably false in almost every single foul detail, were extremely aggressive and intended to be manipulative by lies, were financially beneficial for my wife if any divorce settlement was based upon them, and followed a well-practiced line of psychological violence I knew well. Nevertheless, I was determined to fight - there comes a time when it seems better not to give in to abuse and lies for a moment longer! That fight was prolonged over four years, taking a grave toll on my health, wealth, and well-being in more ways than I care to recall or mention the cause or long-term effects of here. In that time my opponent obtained funds by fraud to enjoy an increased quality of life with, and took time enjoying all that was purchased as the divorce process was played through by folks well-practiced in that black art.

In the end however, with lies and liars revealed in Court for what they are, a petition   given up by the writer as correct for use in determination of a settlement, and a more sensible judgement made than I would have ever have bet on, my solicitor told me I had "won". I didn't then and don't now see any winners, just folk who needlessly lost more than they hoped (but nowhere near as much as they might have!), some who hate that they didn't gain all they were after and lost more than they planned, one or two who dont give a hoot about anything related to a family or people or divorce unless there is an opportunity to cause further distress by use of these things, a woman entirely happy through having a new provider and home under her control, and a child who rarely visits her mother and who's world has too often become one of confusion, loss and uncertainty. Again, detail here, except for the important parts relating to a child.

 

For those concerned by the things my daughter has known of - dont fear. I too have had such a concern, and recognise the just reasons for it. I approached the police for advice on several occasions. This was not easy to do as, previously, when my daughter had advised me of some distressing taunts she was subjected to in her home by one of her mothers previous boyfriends, I had tried to speak to the man about my own childs provenly justified complaint. Knowing the ability of some peope to lie, I made contact in a public place and recorded the event so I could prove it was conducted with no reason for secrecy, was done politely, with good reason, and attempted throughout with propriety. The couple nevertheless presented that 30-second contact as improper and I was "warned off" by a policeman who took it upon himself to be "investigator" (doing none) and judge and jury in one package. I was told not to go through the village I went through every day in conduct of my normal business and which I drove to to pick up my daughter as she asked, and I was warned that I could be arrested if I did not do as I was told. My response then is the same now - I am legally a Dad, I behave as a Dad and that is not to behave as a criminal, and for the rightful benefit of my own child I will do by all legal, proper and reasonable means whatever I can to see my daughter is safe, well and developing well, and saved from unnecessary or inappropriate distress. I wont be frightened off from being a Dad by bullies or liars nor the threats of any misguided official - and it's a sad day for a parent and their child when the law ignores impropriety yet threatens a childs parent for acting properly in that childs best interest, I can tell you.

I also approached my daughters school as a parent, concerned about my daughters well-being and education results and her reports of counselling. Her Head of Year promised much, but didn't even pass on her school reports. He couldn't talk to me about her counselling - something I understand - and yet my daughters mother was clearly being kept informed of things it was decided and assumed I would know nothing of with regard to my child - except for a daughter confiding in her Dad as is entirely right and proper! No doubt a healthcare worker (my ex is a nurse) is readily accepted as a suitably caring person - but does that mean the Dad a daughter turns to should be regarded as lesser by comparison? Wasn't Beverley Allitt a supposedly "caring" nurse? Mistakes are possible, and in any case, what example or benefit is it that a child should not be able to approach their Dad for help or support if that child feels troubled enough to do so? In the end I went to the Headmaster with undeniable evidence of my daughters distress and some of the reasons for it. He said he could only deal with the parent with care - that parent being the source of some distress in the child I was seeking support for! - yet only days later it was clear that my approach to the Headmaster and detail of it had been made known to that same parent... The cause of our daughters distress was not reduced by this - in fact it was proven that another reason for it was added, my daughter being told that she was going to be taken into care due to her speaking to Dad about what had upset her in the first place! That foul and harmful psychological assault upon a child was made by an adult supposedly caring for her, it left the cause of our daughters distress more revealed and strengthened rather than unaltered, and it added another worry and distress whilst simultaneously removing a source of confidence and support for a daughter until I managed to show what was truth and what was not. 

The police put me on to Social Services. With great reservation due to recent failings made known in the press, I outlined my concerns to this organisation - I knew of a troubled child in the care of adults I could prove had an acceptance of drug use and demonstrably gave a minor some encouragement to it despite their own past convictions, I could prove the repeated provision of alcohol to a teenage girl (including that provided by a man whos ex-wife had died an alcoholic just months before), I could prove pictures were being put on the internet of my scantily-clad teenage daughter throwing up after drinking too much at home, and so on... I was fobbed off - dismissed and even treated entirely unprofessionally and improperly with regard to my rightful and proper role as a caring parent. Social Services rang my daughters mother and boyfriend, quite improperly telling them I was the person who had made concerns about my daughter known to them. They then accepted every explanation they were given as a response, with no investigation whatsoever. They did ring me back and admit to and apologise for the fact that they had passed on information they should not have revealed - but I knew that already, having had my daughters mother blast me on the telephone a few minutes before! 

 

I ask all readers this - if, under the circumstances I can prove undeniably are true,  a parent should nevertheless find themselves treated with disregard, contempt and even professional negligence or impropriety by the police and Social Services and their childs educational establishment, then what avenue is there left for that parent to turn to as a reasonable and legitimate process of proper parenting? All answers would be gratefully received... But again, this is just detail. There is some hope - never forget parents (and especially the Dads who recognise what I put here), and take it from one who knows, there is always hope. 

 

This is the crux of the matter though. At last eh? The ex and her boyfriend took all the former matrimonial home belongings to their new home. They put those furnishings with his I suppose. I was left nothing, except for my daughter walking down the road to live with me taking with her hamster cage and a few schoolbooks and four or five binbags stuffed full of clothes that were loaded into my van of the time. No kiss goodbye, no "Cheerio Mum". That was over a year ago.

We moved into a house where my daughter could walk to school. Remaining at a school she knew and being with her friends has been vitally important for my daughter. In the past year, my daughter has seen her mother for perhaps one day a month, hardly ever more, and sometimes less. Our home is here, where we live. My daughters mothers home is in another place where my daughter doesn't want to be. Even over the past Christmas, our daughter went to her mothers place only for Boxing Day, as her older brothers were going to be there too. 

Over the past year and more, my ex has not been keen to support her daughter financially. Let's say she has a new home to buy things for instead, then there's the train fares and costs for meals out with her new man, the new clothes, the gym membership, and so on... My daughter does get an allowance from her mother of £20 per week (minus £5 per week for provision of a mobile phone). That allowance comes from the Family Allowance that my ex still claims for our daughter, despite the fact that our daughter lives with me, and despite a long-forgotten promise that the Family Allowance book would be sent on to me... Apart from that, our daughters provision has been from me. Any payment that may be called "Child Maintenance" from her mother has been... nil. 

 

A short while ago, my daughter wanted a new bed. Perhaps foolishly, seeing that my ex had provided no support for our daughter for over a year and had a new and better-paid job plus lived with a man well able to provide for their home too, I enquired of her mother by text if that parent would like to share the cost of providing a new bed for our daughter? The answer was "No". Apparently, there's a new bed in the house her mother lives in - which is fine, except my daughter doesn't live there nor sleep in the bed that's there! 

This irritated me, I must admit. It hardly seems right or fair, but more selfish and perhaps manipulative. (If you want a more comfortable sleep, come to live here...). In response, I have considered contacting the CSA to see if they would judge that my ex should indeed provide some financial support for our daughter, even if (or because) she lives with me rather than with her mother. The thing is, I'm quite sure that my approach to the CSA would make my ex blow her top, and her response to being asked or expected to spend any of her own money in any way she doesn't want to do, is not something it's wise to ignore the potential effects of. She would be sure to inform our daughter of how "unreasonable" and "greedy" I was being. The possibilities from demonstrations of my ex's sure wrath are endless and onerous to consider, especially for the sake of our daughter. 

On top of that, I'm sure the ex would lie to the CSA, both about her income and probably about me - she has done that before to the CSA and to the Inland Revenue amongst others. I have a strong feeling that contacting the CSA may well cause more problems than it's worth, and stir up an old hornets nest. That said, I also think it's right that my ex should be faced with a child maintenance duty she would not hesitate for one second to place upon my shoulders if our positions were reversed. 

 

My question of anyone who might know of an answer then, is what the CSA might or can do to see that a daughter is rightly provided for, without her running the risk of being subjected to her mothers anger and likely abuse as a consequence of invoking that process? 

If anyone knows, there's a Dad here who would be interested in the response.

Here's hoping.