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I'm a single mum and I have a son who is 3 and a half. Over the last year or so he has turned very difficult to handle. He is constantly demanding, throws a hissy fit when he does'nt get his own way, throws things at me and always very angry and he never listens to anything he is told.
He goes to nursery for 2 and a half hours a day, everyday and is 9 times out of ten well behaved there. As soon as he gets home he turns into a monster.
I work 16 hours a week at my local pub and its all evening work, so im always late finishing work and usually in bed by 2.30. Im up with my son at 5.30 every morning and as soon as he wakes up he is up to his antics.
Im finding it very difficult to deal with my son and it's really taking it's toll on me. All the love I had for him is slowly begining to turn to hate, I know that might sound harsh but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like running away and hiding from him.I'm on the verge of a breakdown because I constantly feel angry and upset, even when im at work away from him. I can't seem to shift any of these feelings and I can't seem to do anything with him.
I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I feel like I dont want him anymore, i've even thought about handing him over to my mum, but he is exactly the same with her as he is with me.
Please help me as I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
Thanks x
Hi taz.stuie. Welcome along 
You don't sound bad at all, just a very tired mum, holding down a job with late nights, and early mornings. I quite understand when you say that you feel like running away from it all, but of course we don't do we? When we have these feelings, then we beat ourselves up over having them! Have you tried a sticker chart or time out for your son? Tried ignoring his bad behaviour? This is extremely hard to do, I'm trying this now, and my son is 8. I'm 'trying' to ignore the bad and praise the good. When your son misbehaves, put him in his bedroom, or somewhere else, just for a few minutes. This will give you time to cool down too. Perhaps you and your Mum can both do this. Do you live with her, or does she look after your son on the evenings that you work? Is it fairly new the job? I was just wondering if perhaps your son's routine has been changed, and maybe that's why he is acting up.
Others will be along at some stage, so do keep posting, and we'll all offer support. Look forward to 'chatting'.
Hello taz.stuie
Welcome to One Space, you are amongst friends 
The others have made some very helpful suggestions. My own contribution to the mix is firstly to acknowledge how completely exhausted you must be with so little sleep some nights. I imagine you are worn down, frazzled, maybe snappy with your son and that makes him more fraught which in itself makes YOU more fraught.
Draw a circle on a piece of paper, with arrows on the outer edge which show the circle as going clockwise. Now think of all the stages this vicious circle goes through. You know your son and I don't but I would like to guess that these stages may include 1. Little sleep 2. Cross from 5.30am, 3. Son misbehaves, 4. I shout....etc Write these stages at different points on the circle, say at 2pm, 4pm, 6pm as if it was a clock. Now sit back and look at that circle and see how it goes round and round. Pin it somwhere helpful when you have perfected it (on the fridge?)
Tell yourself that in order to change things, you have to BREAK that circle. Think about where you are going to break it. Are you going to get more sleep? Are you going to stop shouting? Are you going to do both? One way to get more sleep is to persuade your son to stay in bed longer in the morning, that is where the star chart might come in handy. To stop shouting, now THAT is a challenge. Have a read of this book "How not to be a perfect mother" and look at our articles on Praise and Special Time. This will not get better overnight, but view it as a campaign and in time you will see results. When you get to the end of your tether, Family Lives have a great Helpline to talk things over...and we will support you all the way if you stay with us.
He behaves well in nursery, so he isn't a naughty kid. I know my kids played up when I was exhausted and stressed, so is it possible he is just picking up on your tiredness?
How about taking a week off work, I'm sure you'll be less tired and he'll be so much easier to handle.
Oh and just another thing, you might find a counsellor could help, and if so you could see your GP to get a referral
Hi taz.stuie
I remember those days when you feel you just can't/won't/don't want to cope anymore.
It is hard and you are tired but give yourself a pat on the back for acknowledging and admitting those feelings to yourself and to us.
Has anything changed in your son's life recently?
Remember first and foremost small children need boundaries. He needs to know that you are not going to shout at him and he needs to feel safe and No means No.
The sticker chart for staying in his room first thing in the morning sounds like a great idea for starters! I have to admit, when my daughter was small, videos were a life saver, she must have watched the Lion King over a zillion times. it would always give me another hour and a half to wake up in the mornings!
Louise pointed out the special time and praise articles, for me these tactics were an absolute life saver. I remember when my daughter was young someone asked me what I did with her.....I said everything, we were always together but it wasn't til later that at no point in the day did I give her quality time. I would cook and wash up and she would be on the floor, I would clean and she would be watching telly, I would go to the shops but be more concerned about food prices than discussing and involving my girl.
So by setting some time aside to completely devote yourself to them is rewarding for him and also for you as you have some positive energy between you.
Just remind yourself that it is his behaviour that you are hating, not your son.
Have you spoken about it with the nursery?
Thank you everybody for your kind words,I must say I have tried time outs, sending him to his room, naughty step, confiscated his toys, reward charts, rewards for good behaviour and nothing works.
My mother does have him when I work and im ever so grateful to her, because without her I wouldnt be able to work as my son's father has no involvment whatsoever with him.
I have spoken to the nursery about his behaviour at hime and they reckon it's just a phase that he's going through, but im not convinced. I think it's something deeper like something is bothering him.
I've been having one of those can't/won't/don't want to cope anymore weeks. I can honestly say I totally dislike C and the way he is behaving lately. I've taken things off him (he's not bothered), I've yelled, and I've smacked. I do feel at the end of my tether, and I'm wishing someone would come along and take him away from me for a bit. He is supposed to be going out with my friend on Friday for a few hours, and I've just called her to cancel it. I was livid, and when I told him he wouldn't be going, he laughed and said, 'you say that, then you'll change your mind'. So, I rang her, ranted and raved about his behaviour, and then said he wouldn't be going. She calmed me down, let me talk, then said I needed a break, so we'd try another method. He wouldn't speak to her, so it went on answer phone. Ashamed to say this, but he answered her rudely (never done that before, even she was horrified). Anyhow, she said she had planned to take him out at 5 today, but I had said no. Also told him that depending on his behaviour today and tomorrow, then I was also going to say no for Friday. Of course, now he thinks that something special was taking place today, and I've cancelled it. I did think he'd kick off, but not so, everything is calm again here. He is in bedroom playing with his friend, (she was here, when it all kicked off).
I can understand why C did what he did, he wouldn't share something to do with the playstation, when I told him too, that's when the problem got bigger. His friend didn't allow him on something when we went to their house on Sunday. I have spoken to them both about sharing, and why C did what he did. Had I thought that was the reason behind it earlier, then this huge blow up wouldn't have happened. My friend is saying that also C is trying to be my equal because it is just the two of us. Could she be right??
Sorry taz.stuie, didn't mean to take over your thread, but the title fitted me somehow.
Hi taz.stuie
What time do you go to work? Does your son stay at home in his own bed or does he go to your mums house??
You say that you think something deeper might be going on for your son, any ideas what that might be?
Hazeleyes - sorry to hear you have had some disruption at home.
You mention that you have yelled and smacked, taken away privileges and you are now getting to the end of your tether. Consistency Consistency Consistency.
I know you know it and I also know how frustrating our childrens behaviour can be. But more often than not they are testing their boundaries and we need to stay firm and steadfast on what we will allow and what we won't.
If he is not allowed to speak rudely to people then the consequences need to be instantaneous. If you want your child to share, even if their friend doesnt, (I completely understand that defense mechanism that kicks in), we need to find a way to implement that, bad behaviour still needs to be disciplined, (remembering 'disciple' means to teach) then afterwards, when things have calmed down, you can have a conversation about it.
Think back to previous occassions, what has worked best for C, was it time out, sticker chart etc?
I think children of all families could try and get into a power struggle with their parents, but it needs to be knocked on the head. You are the parent, it is your house, your rules, end of story.
Is anything else going on for you at the mo?
I've been unwell, and still don't feel great. At the beginning of this, over a month ago, I thought perhaps it was me, nagging him, or just blowing up over silly things, yes, I hold my hands up to that, I was blowing up over stupid things. Now though, I just think he really is pushing my buttons, over stepping the mark. I so blew up this morning, I honestly wanted to walk. Even though it is all calm in here right now, I still feel disgusted at me as well as him. I said some hurtful things, and normally I would apologise straight away, but I haven't this time, even though I know I should.
He and his friend are in the bedroom, and he just doesn't get it. He's telling her that he should be going out on Friday, but because of the playstation and the steering wheel, he's no longer allowed. I've quickly stepped in and said it's because of his recent behaviour, nothing to do with the wheel. Once she has gone, then he and I will have another chat.
Give me strength!!
He will behave differently when she's gone.
Youngest, especially, will get quite cocky when he has his friends over (Saturday wasn't good), then a lecture when he's on his own again will help.
I wish I knew what to suggest, but I just can't think of a thing.
You could always chuck him on a bus and I'll pick him up from the bus stop (serious offer)... He won't stand a chance with this lot!
Sending lots and lots of strength your way.
You can do this.
xxxxxxxxx
Bus sounds a good idea! Right at this minute, I don't think I've got the strength for anything that will help me deal with him. Going to sit down in a bit, once friend has been picked up, and write some rules out. A bit like Louise says, can't think what it is, but where agreements are drawn up, but thinking maybe C is too young at 8 to do this? Then again.......
He's a very clever boy... Older than his years, perhaps?
Don't know about him, but I'm definately feeling older than my years.
xxx
Hi taz.stuie,
Welcome to one space, its a great site and you will recieve lots of advice and support here.
I dont think you sound bad, you are just being honest, do you have a health visitor still that you could talk to, maybe a surestart centre in your area where you could go and talk to someone. You must be exhausted with so little sleep, does your mum look after your son when you are at work.
Maybe the nursery can point you in the right direction for someone to talk to.
Do you use the time out method or any other forms of coping when he has a tantrum?
One thing I can tell you is that all children of all ages can try the patience of a saint at times. I have 5 children altogether and really do empathise with you.
I do hope you will stay on one space, lots of others will be along to say hello and to offer their support to you xxx