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Hi, ive gone back and fore in my mind, as to whether to make my childs father take more responsability and i still have not made up my mind. There is evidence of them playing together well, my child responds well (although all this is under our roof in the comfort that mum is only in the other room).
I feel excited that my child has eventually developed a happy (not trusting yet) relationship with his father, this is important for his psychological development. BUt i still want more, ... if the love from father to child is there, why does he not take on more? (by more, i mean, have him down his house once a week for a few hours, take him out for food once a week, all little things like that are lacking ......).
I simply do not know what to do. I feel that if i ask him to do these things, then its ME who's pushing it and perhaps itll go pear shaped. Is it worth me waiting until he asks (maybe then itll be too late for my son??).
I dont know, can somebody help me finally put my mind at rest.
Thank you
Hi Anna,
Ive had a talk with him and it looks at is hes willing to co-operate and develop something a little further, so our child can spend more QUALITY time with him. The wierd thing is, the father does not feel comfortable around me, its me thats the problem. Hes scared that i wont let him do a b or c with our child and that i hate him, whcih is not the case. Ive made this clear - So, time will only tell now what will happen. I have never made anything so explicit before, so if nothing takes off here, then it never will. I know as a mum, i have tried my best, not to push, but to offer the opportunity so explicitly. I hope it all works out for my child. he deserves it :_)
Good for you pink lilly, it sounds as though you handled it really well.
You stated your wishes and you can't do more than that, the ball is now in his court.
So has a time been arranged?
no time has been arranged not yet, its in his court as to when he wants to discuss that now! I hope its not false promises, im very optimistic here :)
Any advice on perhaps how long my child should stay down his fathers house on the first visit, if anybody else should/shouldnt be there, or anything i need to state as a mum?
thank you :)
Well there aren't any right or wrong answers here pink lilly. You are your son's mother, what would you deem appropriate?
Hi Anna, i guess the first visit would be around 2 hours, maybe id stay for the first 20 mintues. Id like the first visit to be only son and father, (no overwhelming with other family members) and then from there, maybe my son could be around the other family members.
Im aware the father has a partner - im not sure what to do about that - do i simply allow her to be around my child as and when hes with the father, or should the visit simply be son and father? Im not sure about that - he doesnt have a major role in my sons life at the moment and so would it be fair on my child for him to around the father and his partner ... im not sure.? Maybe its just a simple case of letting the father 'get on with it' as he see's fit and if my son doesnt like the visit, we will know :)
In terms of responsability, hes doenst have any legal rights at the moment (his name isnt on the birth certificate), if i leave my son in his presence, in terms of responsability - what happens here? Any ideas?
thank you again :)
Hi pink lilly i think two hours on the first visit is fine, as far as the new partner being around thats up to you to decide, though i would probably suggest that is something that happens over a period of time.
I don't know how things stand in terms of responsibility if he is not on the birth certificate you can message our Legal Expert hopefully they will be able to tell you, do let us know what you find out.
thanks very much :)
Pink Lilly, I read your posts and see my own situation...
my daughters father takes no responsability for our daughter and I tried over a year trying to force thin to be a "daddy" and failed every time, even a simple nappy change gets made into the most difficult of tasks- bottom line is you cant force them to be responsable either they will or they won't!
I see you have spoken to him and he's willing to comply which is good and fingers crossed it lasts - as for the new partner it's totally up to you what you decide- my ex got a woman pregnant after a few days together and he tried to force this woman and new baby out daughter- I clearly wasnt having non of it and we agreed that our daughter will meet this woman once they have a committed to a serious relationship and both children are old enough -
i really hope things work out for you
Do you know how it is going with your ex's partner and the baby? Do you talk about it when he visits tinkerbell2?
Hi pink lilly, have you had the first visit? How did it go?
I'm not going to lie Anna I have no intreast in his life- I don't mean any offence against his "gf" and obviously the baby (ive never met or spoke to gf) but if I ask questions it always seems to open up a door where he thinks he can then be in my business, we both agreed that A will not know about her half sibling until she is old enough to understand (partly as they live over 2hours away & will prob never see eachother , he needs to get a relationship with A before bringing other kids into the mix) - the only thing Ive done is give a gift and card when baby was born but never got a thank you
from what he told my mother he only sees baby 2 on his days off as they don't live together and "gf" doesn't plan on living with him in future. She got pregnant after only a few days of "dating" so not sure if they are together or not- I'm sure he wouldn't tell me the truth anyway.
Nice to see you Tinkerbell2 and I have been catching up with your news on the other thread
Hi pink lilly I can hear your turmoil.
Firstly I would like to say that we can never make them take on more responsibility, that has to be their choice, unfortunately that is out of our control.
However what you can do is talk about it with him.
So, rather than telling him to take your son to his house, or to the park, or out for food, you tell him you think it would be really nice for your son to go and do that and see what he thinks. Or perhaps you could say you need a couple of hours to yourself once a week, so would he take your son out. This doesn't necessarily meant that their relationship would become stronger, only Dad can create that.
I think a discussion with your ex is your first port of call. What does your ex want from his relationship with his son? Where does he see it progressing? Do you think your ex has it too easy at the moment?