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ex wants pram and carseats when he has contact for a few weeks everyweek. he cant be bothered to equip himself with equipment. should i be providing this? iv said no. hes grudgingly giving five pound a week in child maintenance as well as spreading nasty rumours about me int he community where i live- dont see why i shud be playing nice when it suits him.
do any of u provide food, sleeping equipment, nappies, etc? i dont think i should, i am putting me foot down :-)
When they first started contact I packed a simple bag of mappies and wipes etc.
I gave him the pushchair and he'd asked for carseats through my solicitor and I agreed on the promise of their return.
I stopped providing the bag of nappies after a few weeks as I felt it was ok at that time, no reason for him not to be able to provide his own, he works and I had given him time etc to do this.
I feel if you provide nothing then yes I'm sure he'd cope fine, but in my opinion it's probably better for the children as he's 'unlikely ' to be fully equipt for the first contact visit.
I think if you give him a bit of notice then he has time to sort out things in his time and it's kinder I mean let's face it if you have no 'equipment ' and arnt used to buying it then it might be a bit a shock for him to have to provide everything at once, so your children don't miss out and are safe ( carseats) I'd send them but obvously make sure he's going to return then ( however you communicate with him).
Good luck x
I've moved your thread as you asked, chocolate81 - hope you find it ok!
When A's dad & I separated, I provided food, nappies and equipment for the first few months. I begrudged doing it, but as IDT has said above it was to make sure A was well provided for and didn't go without while she wasn't in my care.
It's a difficult one, especially when your ex is being so unpleasant as to spread rumours about you. I understand the maintenance issue too - I'm not sure how far the 'powers that be' think £5 will go towards raising a child 
It really is down to you and if you have decided not to send equipment and provisions then he will have to sort things out himself.
Having said that, I think IDT's post is excellent and what she has said is worth consideration.
Let us know what you decide to do.
This is a tough one. You have these things so why not just hand them over? At the same time, if you were picking them up you would know exactly what you needed at have it ready.At £5 a week to you, he can afford to buy them. I know that at one of the big supermarkets recently , he could have bought a car seat and pushchair for £50. Doesn't seem like alot of money in the long term. I would set a deadline,eg. I'll give you them this month but when you get paid but your own!!
hes had about five months to prepare himself with correect equipment. he works and can afford it. he knows exactly which equip is required and knows where to source cheap ones ie - charity shops, second hand shops. the fact is he cant be bothered because when we were togtehrr i gave him everyhting on a plate to make life easy for him, and he expects me to carry on doing that!
so ive decided i will not supply him with equipment. no-one supplied me with it!! i had to go out and buy it. and if he doesnt have car seats then he will have to walk with them or get a bus. ive told the contcat centre. as far as im concerned if he wants to have regular contact he needs to make the effort (or dig in his pocket more likely) to go and buy equip for their safety. and if he cant be bothred then it will affect his contact with them.
its not just on principle it the whole inpractical side of it- how am i to carry two carseats, a baby and a young child from a carpark to a centre? i dont see why i shud have to.
think im goign to be stubborn about this as if im not il fall in to my old ways with him ( he says sit and i sit!)
I did with my lot - but it was booster seats by then. As you say, he's had plenty of notice...
chocolate81, if he is working and earning good money, may I ask how come he only gives you £5 a week maintenance?
when he heard that he has to pay child maintenance he cut his hours at work so he now has to pay the minimum five pounds, then on top of that ive heard hes working cash in hand which he isnt declaring and plus claiming benefits as he now is on reduced hours, so gets things like council benefit etc. ive aslso heard hes subletting to get rent on the side and isnt declaring this. not sure whats true and what isnt. what i know for sure is that he isnt as peniless as he makes out.
hes always said that as soon as he got his citizenship he would go on benefits.
when we were married i gave him everything on a plate (money, food, clothes, mortgage, bills, ran around doing everything!)for the sake of peace and quiet and to keep the marriage going. i think now that we are seperated he kind of expects some of that to continue- therefore asking me to provide equipment which he should really source himself. if he hasnt got carseats sorted for his next contact im going to ask the contact centre to tell him he cant drive them anywhere- hel have to walk or get a bus. i feel like being a father isnt just about kicking a ball around and handing out sweets for a couple of hours a week- its about taking on the resposibility that goes with being a parent. including getting a suitable carseat to transport your own child.
ive got a feeling that when it moves to overnight access hel be asking for the cot!
Hi chocolate81, have you been to the CSA with this information?
Chocolate81
If you are taken to court for access rights it could and probably will be used against you that you wouldn't allow the basic equipment for the best welfair of your child to go with them. In this case a car seat and pram to show you are inflexable and unreasonable...and mud throwing session will kick off and Judges hate those.
However unfair it will seem, money will not come into the discussion in the family court enviroment.
You could do as you suggested, but to be honest, try to put your hurt behind you. Know that your child is in a good and safe car seat and is comfortable in a pushchair you have chosen.
Take each challenge at a time. He will be expected to provide things for the child with overnight contact.
Try to look at it as what is best for my child and not why should I have to and why doesn't he? It is hard but it will help your sanity and your child in the end.
Hi,
I've just gone through the court process in respect of contact and the courts took my view in respect of equipment. He has to supply his own, end of. If he is struggling to buy then contact centres do have a few car seats that can be loaned to him for the period of contact (or at least ours did).
I wouldn't get too frustrated with the maintenance side of things either. I know it's unfair as I have the same situation but kids don't stay young and oblivious forever and you should take pride in your own ability to give them everything. My little one is already learning that his Dad doesn't keep promises and asks not to go with him (Little one is only 4 and a half years old). His Dad offered to buy him something at last contact (3 months ago!! :/) My LO told him "No you won't, Mommy will though".
As for rumours....really?? Ignore them and laugh. It's his way of bringing you to his level because he obviously knows how crap he is already.
thanx optimist and suneagle
the way im looking at is- if this was a child minder id expect her or him to provide equipment and make sure the children are safe so why not their own father? and i could agree and say yes to loaning him two car seats for a few hours everyweek but then how am i to carry it all to the safe meeting point which has been appointed? (the carpark is an elevator ride and about five minutes walk away). itl be a hassle with two little kids in tow to and from the contact. it would be easier for him to get cheap, safe carseats- if hes going to be seeing them every week for the next 15 + years then why not? it would be money well spent.
hopefully if this goes to court then i think judge may agree that he has to make an effort to show he's taking responsibility for their safety/well being. its not my job to spoonfeed him or give him everything with no effort on his part.
Well you wouldn't show up without them and as I previously said these don't have to be expensive items. Fair Play to you for making a stand.
can someone move this thread to another forum like parenting or seperation? ive put it in wrong one