This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi all,
I didn't know what to put as the 'and' bit on the subject, sorry! I don't know how to get out of my hell, could really do with some pointers. Going to try and keep it short, so please ask questions if you want to know more.
I have 4 children, the youngest's (2) father is my abuser. I left him 2.5 years ago because of emotional and pysch abuse, have had emails / texts out of my ears, really bizarre ones, nice ones, horrible ones etc, he's turned up at my house throwing accusations around, stolen my car, then I moved 38 weeks pg to get away, he followed me, started calling my father and oldest son (then 9), harrassment warning. Contact with his daughter started OK, then he denied he was her dad to CSA, so I stopped it until it was sorted. Went to mediation assessment, mediator said no - because of abuse. Police were involved and all contact between us from there was to be through solicitors. I didn't hear anything until March last year, when I received court summons for contact and PR, and stating I had physically and emotionally abused him, and physically, emotionally and sexually abused my children.
OK, so contact started again at a centre, but after 6 sessions he took a covert video camera - got thrown out. Now having supervised contact. A month after being thrown out of first centre, he moved house to a property 7 doors away from me. He drives past house most days, maybe 3 times (but can exit road other way), approaches my other kids. I feel totally trapped. Police say he's protected himself from stalking law by moving here. I'm scared to go into town, or to even walk the dog. He lies about me constantly to CAFCASS officer, social worker who supervises contact, and his court statements are a joke. But not a funny one. These lies are horrible, and no-one seems to care about the effect they're having on us. His contact is OK - so they allow it to continue. I'm worried about what happens when he's not watched, and I have no proof if he hurts or lies to our child. He'd always said that when I left him (18month relationship) I took everything (I didn't, he was referring to having lost my other kids, his girlfriend, his dog, etc) and he will make sure I know what that feels like.
He claims benefits so he can get his legal aid, but has 9 cars parked on our street at the moment - he's a mechanic working cash in hand and doing up /selling cars.
He also has a 5 year old in a similar situation - abuse, mother running, now no contact, in court.
This email doesn't come close to getting across how desperate I feel, nor how awful some of his actions are, but I'd be writing forever and you'd all give up!! Any advice / words of wisdom?
Thank you so much,
Txx
Hi Trixie, welcome to One Space and thank you for sharing your story.
I can hear your desperation and worry and how close to the edge you are right now and I am sorry that we are unable to whisk you away from this in a flash, we can't but we can support you through it.
I am presuming you have support from your local Domestic Abuse Agency (womens aid or something similar?) What are they saying about this current situation?
I am also presuming that you keep a constant record of all that is going on. You have spoken to the Police and they say that he is protected from the stalking law by moving near you, have you told them how scared you are? About his many cars and illegal earnings? That he approaches your other children?
You have been through so much already, but battle continues until it is over, neither you nor your children should have to live like this. When were you last been in touch with your local Police domestic abuse support unit? Have you spoken to your solicitor recently?
you desperately need to get an injunction and a non moliestation order against him, you have plenty of grounds and get free help as a victim of abuse, i was in simliar situation , as soon as you get injunction/non mlestation order maybe you could move away from him? i really feel for you :(
Hi all,
Yes, I have DV officer, and an IDVA, but much of what he does is "simply" lies and allegations - and there's nothing criminal about that so police can't help. NDVH, parentline, etc etc say it's terrible, but there's not much anyone can do - it's just how my life is at the moment.
I've spoken to my solicitor and the police about a non-mol or harrassment order, and both say there aren't enough grounds. I can't instruct another solicitor as I can't have two sets of legal aid. I want to change my solicitor anyway, but we're in the middle of a section 7, and I think I'd be foolish to try and get a new solicitor up to speed - the final hearing is in May.
Just to confuse things further, the mother of the 5 year old is having to attend the High Court because he's accusing her of child abduction, and I have submitted a statement for her to use - this will be released to him next week (the day before his contact) and then they're in court the week after (again, the day before contact). I've been told I should allow our child to go to contact, or I'm being obstructive, but I'm terrified of what mental state he'll be in, and how he will see things when he knows I'm supporting his ex.
I just want to run, and not have to do this any more, but I promised my kids we wouldn't have to move again (finally got a housing association property after 10 years and several private renting moves), I've made this house our home, and I don't see why he should have the power to drive us out - and he'll only follow us anyway - especially since I can't get a non-mol to stop him!!
Aargh!
Trixie
Anna - sorry, yes, I have two lever arch files full of stuff, and keep talking to the police. Since he isn't breaking any laws (he's very clever), it doesn't matter how scared I or my children are. Scaring someone isn't illegal - and they tell me that my children are only scared because of how I react and what I tell them. CAFCASS even said that I allow my emotions to colour my decisions (even though I have only made two decisions - to stop contact when he wasn't dad and to not send photos of the time he chose not to see her), not that he should stop this behaviour. I try really hard to only tell my children information that they need to keep themselves safe when I'm not there.
The cars are a matter for traffic officers, and they're not too worried, and there's nothing to stop him talking to the children in a public place. Like I said - he's very clever at staying above the law.
I've even had conversations with police call handlers where I've said I just want him to come to the house and beat the hell out of me, because that's illegal and can be prosecuted, and is proof that he's unstable. Although they were understanding and sympathetic, nothing happened.
trixie x
Hi Trixie,
Hope you don't mind me butting in ,but i feel so sorry for you :( This man is a complete t**t ,cuse my language ,but seriously ...who the hell does he think he is !The fact that you are rising above his outrageous behaviour ,well it's obvioulsy winding him up !You are right to to keep hounding the police ,and the fact that they are doing nothing to make you feel at ease, is awful !
I hear you when you say you have made this house your home ,but hun you can do it again ...and as you are now with a housing assoc...surely they can help ? They also offer support to people who are in your situation ..try talking to them .This man is mentally unstable ...surely the proffessionals can see through his bravado ?
I know i don't have brilliant advice ,but i just wanted to say stay strong ,keep fighting ,keep hounding the police ,and keep every incident logged !Well done you for coming on here and telling us your story ....i hope you find some relief in talking !
Take care
x
Hi Trixie
Your situation sounds very complicated in terms of legal advice etc, you might be interested in talking to someone from Rights of Women (click) they are currently running a Family Law Advice helpline.
It sounds as all the 'professionals' to do with the case are giving you a really hard time, which is so unfair as from what I can gather, you are just looking out for your children.
You mention in an earlier post that 'this is just how my life is at the moment' and this is something to hold on to, as truly this time will pass.
If your ex misbehaves at the contact centre after he finds out about your statement or after his court date, it will be recorded. Do you talk much to the contact centre staff?
hi trixie how are u today, how are things todayx im dreadin it if ex gets contact in centre, so far for alst yr he asnt bin allowed contact, next hearin june,they av proof hes violent, he as weapons, dru dealin so it shud b no contact end of, its ridiculous, cafcass lady said to me well he asnt asaulted a child as he, i said well he as abused my kids by callin thir mum to their face thts abuse,x
Hi trixi,
Moving isn't the answer here he would simply follow you and you'd be back at the begging again having to start again and building new relations with local police etc, you have got to stay in your home and stand firm it's the only way,I do understand how this feels it's very unsettling but for your own sanity and for the Welbeing of your children you can do this, you say courts in may what is the hearing for? Once this hurdle is behind you it's possible your ex twunt may back of or It may take him to find his next victim.
I take it your keeping a log in a diary of his behavour.
Try not to worry about his lies, he needs to prove what he's saying so if it's lies he won't have grounds and the judge will not be able to take his evidence on just his word.
Take a deep breath honey and take care of your little ones I have every faith you can get through this x
Btw if this were my thread tital I'd call it domestic abuse getting out from under xtake care
And I will second that 
aw hun sounds awful what ur ging thru,ive bin thru similar, mine was a on off relationship, u cud go on to my thread on edge,tells u all my story there, basically, i got rid of ex, ad get police and soliciter to do it, he now of course draggin me thru court, we have 2 half yr old little girl together, i av non molestation order in place, and residency order gon thru in my favour, so far he isnt allowed contact at all, i have ad 3 hearings so far in family court,ex as history of violence,. weapons, drugs,.i am opposed to him avin contact,he also seriously assaulted me once,and he also followed me twice, stalked me, threatened me, intimidated me, he as 2 harassmnet orders which he breaced, so far he asnt breached, but im dreadin if he gets contact, he also absued my other kids, by callin m,e to their face, next hearin in june, and my ex gave up his job to claim legal aid,and he ad double life,. girlfriend new baby, only found out in court last year, feel totaly betrayed, i did love him, i ad baby with him,im terrified of him avin our little girl un supervised,x