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There is a lot in the news about child abuse recently and some terrible and tragic cases have been highlighted.
But I have heard of some parents where the perpetrator of the violence was the child, usually a teenager. Do you, or any of your friends/relatives have experience of this? How did you cope/are you coping?
Louise
I have been and am experiencing violence , and emotional abuse from one of my children , its a very long story but the long and short of it all is that there is not alot anyone can do to protect the parent , as we are there parent so even though it is us going through they are still our responsiblities.
Ive been very shocked at the lack of support offered when going through something like i am but to be quite frank it seems second nature now to teenagers to be abusive and violent , u only have to look at the news to see that everyday.
Unlike a guy hitting u or threatoning u , u can walk away from that but it seems not from your own child.
Ive had social services , the police , parental support the lot but he is still here and he still does it , now to his girlfriend.
It is a very long story , too much for her.
Hi
Is this your 18 year old?
Hello scarlettohara
I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. It sounds as if you have gone through a lot of the proper agencies, only to be let down.
Have you been in contact with Women's Aid? They support people who are abused by any family member.
How old is your son? At the end of the day, if he is 16, you can choose to exclude him from your home.
Hi. Sorry to hear you're experiencing this. Now, not only is it you, but also his girlfriend. She could walk away, or perhaps she is scared to do this. How old is he? You cannot let it continue, and must safeguard yourself, and get help for him also. This is unacceptable behaviour, but I can see also, how hard it is for you, with it being your own son. You've gone to the social services, police etc, and they've not helped. Is his father around? Perhaps he could take him? Do you have any family or friends to support you, or is it not something you'd wish to discuss with them?
yeah its my 16 year old , all my family and all my friends know , i come from a small town so more or less everyone knows , i dont see any of my friends now because of it.
My family have tried to help but nothing they do works , nothing , they all just tolerate it because anything easle makes for trouble for me at home. Its hard for them too and i have periods when i feel guilty about what is happening but i try hard to fight that guilt.
His dad wont communicate with me at all , he has a new family and his wife wont communicate with me about it either. im not a nasty or aggressive or trouble person im quite placid and like to get along with everyone , so i do not understand why they wont help when i am quite sure if they did it really would make a difference.
Long story short the dad turned into a drug dealer and nearly killed me in the process , im not sure if he still does drugs so maybe that is why he wont help i honestly dont know but wondering about it wont help lol.
I think like ive already said there is nothing anyone can do , except me perhaps but other than keep it calm and controlled at home what easle can i do.
I find the hardest thing for me is that my son acts like nothing has happened after something has and i for the life of my cant understand that , why is that is it he feels guilty or is it that he knows what he has done and does not care.
My social worker was supposed to find him somewhere easle to live but hey guess what decided he was better off with me as the other places as not so nice.
it been calm since friday night , it was mad here , ended with my son going after his girlfriends dad with a pair of sissors.
His girlfriend i have been told has mental health issues , always has but her family like to blame me and my son for her problems , u would not believe the nasty comments ive had from them , and thier own children. Shes lucky she has a husband to go cry to and talk to , me i had to sit here on my own and deal with everything everyone was shoving at me and still survive.
It helps to get it all out on here , thank u for your replies, i appreciate it alot.
Hello scarlettohara
Sorry that you are going through all this.
It is unfair of the girlfriend's family to point the finger at you. At the end of the day the girlfriend could finish the relationship. I must say, though, that if he is attacking her family with scissors, that is pretty serious and they could bring an assault charge against your son.
As for why he goes quiet afterwards, it is because he is allowed to get away with it, no-one dares to challenge him and so he can carry on in his own sweet way.
Did you contact Women's Aid as I suggested? I reiterate that you do not have to have him in your home if he is terrorising you. Whatever you decide, you need some support for YOU.
Hi scarlettohara
Thank you for sharing what you are going through, it is such a difficult thing to admit to.
This is Domestic Abuse, you really must contact Womens Aid and get their support, call their 24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247, where they can give you up to date information of services relevant to you.
Every time you feel unsafe, you must call the Police. I would encourage his girlfriend to do the same. You do not have to live with this. I understand he is your son, but he needs help. He is still young enough to learn a different way of being.
Have you been in touch with the social worker again? Did they say that they thought he was better of with you?
I imagine that your son does care but he doesn't know how to deal with it, he may feel ashamed, he may feel angry that you are unable to stop him (as he is no longer a child - and that's not your fault, he needs to learn those skills himself).
I wonder if there is someone in your life that you could ask to come and be with you when you sit down with him and talk to him directly, so that you are not in fear of him kicking off?
He needs to know that you are now going to take control of the situation, that it can't continue, there are programmes for perpetrators if he would be prepared to start facing the truth. How is he doing at school at the moment? Are they aware of what is going on?
I'd just like to add my agreement to calling the police when he is threatening you.
Poor, poor you going through this.
Thanks for the replies , well i actually saw some local police officers i know from our past experiences and they actually asked me how things were going , i was in shock.
Again there is not much they can do but i will call them the next time he goes off on one , i have got in touch with his old drug councellor again and he is going to start seeing him again , he told me to not give up , woo hoo that is so easy to say lol...
Ive asked to see a drug councellor or any councellor at all so hopefully something will come up for me too.
Ive never known any different to the life i live so i dont consider it as not normal and or anything different to what happens in other peoples lives , i have to stay strong lol.
Am being taken to court soon as my daughter wont attend school , she is being councelled at the mo as she has seen and heard too too much bad stuff , they are threatoning to fine me 2500 pounds , great joy , so i have no choice but to carry on with things and keep fighting, ive had periods of really wanting to give up but what the education welfare are doing is victimizing me using me as a excample to frighten other families about school non attendence , so im fighting this one all the way.
I wonder if its because im a single mum and am actually quite placid that they choose to do this to me , u know kick u when u are down , i mean excatly how much is one person supposed to cope with in the same period in time if u know what i mean.
I will contact womens aid , sometimes wish u were all here with me then im sure id cope with anything .
My little one 3 year old is doing really well , he keeps a big fat smile on my face , although this is all hard i still do love being a mum.
Just to add social services washed thier hands of him when he turned 16 , they have no power and to be honest were no help , everything they do any parent if they look at the right places for help and advice could do themsleves.
Even my old social worker said that , i do agree with getting my son out the house but im not hard enough to just throw him on the streets i would prefer to look into getting him housed somewhere.
Hi scarlettohara. Good news that your son will be seeing his councellor again, and also you, as I'm sure that will help a lot. You're going through so much already, and now on top of this, you're facing court because of non attendance. I don't really know much about this or anything, but could her councellor perhaps speak up on her behalf, via letter or something? Such a difficult time for you, but you seem to be staying strong, which is a positive thing. I think, I too, would find it extremely difficult, being in a situation, where you have to contemplate throwing out your own child, but I guess for your safety as well as your other children, you might seriously have to consider it. Are you looking into getting him housed elsewhere, or just thinking about it?
Hope today is a good one for you.
Well Im going through a hard time with my 15 yr old. This morning he kicked off as I didnt have as much dinner money to give him..he practically trashed the room, knocking things over trying to find money he said. I just didnt have enough on this ONE occasion.
He made himself sandwiches, so he will hardly starve. I do everything for him. His He comes back from his dads with a blackberry phone, this is after ringing up a £100 phone bill last time (on the last phone his dad gave him) and £94 on ours. Logical?
He needs to get control of his temper, he threw tablets at me telling me to take them, ( im on 2 different meds), called me names, shouted at me 'get a job' (which am desperately trying to do) stood in front of me trying to intimidate. I took the xbox out of his room ( as told him this is what would happen) then he gave me the phone 'dared me' to ring his father, and I did. Told his father what he was like and that I would not tolerate it any longer. He will be staying with his grandad this week. If anything, it will hopefully make him realise I DO carry out what I say I will do. All this at 8.20 this morning.
I cannot put up with the stress. Things are bad enough without my own son terrorising me and putting me down. It has to stop now.
So you see, whether it is your son, your daughter, they are at the age where they DO know what theyre doing and if not sorted now, things will only get worse. Its not easy but I have to carry it out.
S x
Hi speedbird. Sorry to hear you went through a bad time this morning. Good for you for carrying out his dare of ringing his Dad. Was it the Father's decision to let him stay with the Grandad this week? I know you probably feel bad, but like you say, you're showing your son that you won't stand for his behaviour, and there will be consequences as in the xbox etc. He's also well old enough to realise money doesn't grow on trees, if there isn't enough for dinner, then he can take sandwiches. He could also get himself a paper round!!! Does he not get free dinners? Throwing the tablets at you must have been horrid, he was angry, though of course this doesn't excuse his behaviour in any shape or form. Will you now not see him for the week, or will he have to return home later for clothes?
Hi scarlettohara
We are with you in spirit even if not at your house!
Glad you had a chat with the police officers you know and that your daughter is getting some support from a counsellor. I agree that the counsellor could write a letter to the court, with your daughter's permission. Whilst I understand your son is your child, in the end you may well HAVE to tell him to leave. Maybe it is when he is faced with the reality of that and NOWHERE to go that he will start to realise that it is your house and your rules.
Do contact Women's Aid and talk it all through with them.
Take good care of yourself and enjoy your little three-year-old, AWWWWW.
Hello speedbird
What an awful morning for you! it sounds like it is a good thing to have some distance between you. I think it complicates matters that there is the triangle of you and his dad and him, all bouncing off each other.
Let's take a step back and look at the situation. Firstly, teenagers have no empathy. That is not to excuse him and it is not to say he doesn't love you. He truly does not understand that you have been poorly, that you are trying your best to get a job and have taken massive steps forward in recent weeks. All he sees is that he wants things supplied and it is your role to do this, whether dinner money, a Blackberry or whatever.
Are there any other adults that he relates to? Parents of friends, other relatives? How does he get on with his grandad? Sometimes it takes another adult to explain to them how things are with their mum and what she is going through.
Even if there is nobody, it really is about time he learned that you are the boss and he needs to respect you. However, it is the easiest thing in the world to decide that this needs to happen and therefore escalate the level of conflict between you....which gets you both nowhere, just shouting at each other more and more. Could you arrange a meeting with him off home turf, eg at grandad's? or, even better, at a cafe, where he will be less inclined to shout. To do this successfully you MUST NOT raise your own voice, no matter how badly he behaves. Talk to him CALMLY about how the two of you need to work together to make things work. if he needs more money he could do some work, either a paper round as hazeleyes suggests, or by walking a neighbour's dog, washing someone's car, doing errands for someone elderly...there is always SOMETHING that can be done.
I think the key to it is a phrase you used "I do everything for him" He is a big lad now and can understand what that involves. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side write everything that you do for him. This will be a long list. Include things like "pay for electricity which your X Box uses" Calmly challenge him as to what he could put on his side of the paper. The ultimate threat is that you will go on strike, he may not care whether he has a clean school uniform but he sure would care if you decided that because he "needs" a substantial amount of money for school dinners, you can no longer afford the X Box electricity. Oh dear!!!!
Remember if you are still feeling ill and they have told you that your thyroid is balanced now, go back to the GP. You could be anaemic as a result of the thyroid problem, for example.
Lots of ideas here and you will have to be strong and focused to carry them through. It is short term pain for long term gain; if you do not nip it in the bud now then things will get more difficult.
Hi scarlettohara
Of course no one wants to kick their own child out of their house, however you have yourself and the other children to consider.
I have been looking at the Shelter website; have a look at Living with Parents, at the bottom of this page there is a number that you or your son could ring to get advice. Also you could Google 'Youth Housing + your local area' and see what is about or look at your local Council website for further guidance.
You do not have to kick your son out right here and now, but it would be worth arming yourself with information and knowledge of what you could do.
I also suggest that you contact The Advisory Centre for Education for support for when you go to Court regarding your daughters attendance. They have a fantastic helpline and website.
Keep smiling, you will get through this and all the stronger for it! Have you contacted Womens Aid yet?
Hi speedbird
Have you read our latest article on 5 tips for dealing with disrespectful teenagers?
There is a fine line between parent abuse and a troubled teenager, Louise is right it is so important to nip this in the bud right now. Louise has given some excellent tips, I especially like the line down the middle of the page, what I do for you.....what do you do for me! I might try that tonight!
Well done for standing your ground with the XBox. Have you been speaking with your son while he is at his grandads? Will his grandad give him some wise words?
Sending strength your way scarlettohara and speedbird.
I'm going to do the sheet with the line down the middle!
....realises there will be an awful lot of sheets with lines down the middle, floating around the country......(whistles)
With only one side filled in... 
LOL
Well, after speaking to his father in the morning, I thought thats what was happening. Wrong. I went to a friends, text son after school and he said no he wasnt going and had just asked him for dinner money! His dad never got back to me and still hasn't.
Yet again noone took a blind bit of notice. As grandad is on his dads side, I didnt feel I could ring him. So that was that. He apologised but not sure how sincere it was.
He still has attitude, I feel pretty much on my own to deal with things. I am not however, running around after him and he has to learn that he must respect me whilst living under the same roof.
Sigh....
S x
I do think the paper with the line down the middle would be an idea....
They need someone to talk to to express their burden and feelings.
Hi im new to this site and may i say to all the parents of abusive teenagers that you are not alone. I am currently physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my teenage daughter who is currently 15yrs and have suffered this since she was at a young age. I have involved the police, social services, chalms, school, MST services and everyone of these have failed me. I am currently having to live apart from my husband and 6 yr old son due to her abusive behaviour and she also abuses my 10yr old son who lives with myself. My daughter has stolen from me, the police said they could do nothing to help and that it was too much paper work. She has hit me and my oldest son and the police told me to ring social services not them. She has held me up against a wall with a knife threatening to cut my throat, i went to social services and told them i was afraid of my sons and own life, and was told until she actually did stab us then they was nothing they could do. The last time i phoned the police for her hitting me, they turned up and said they couldnt arresst her because she had left the premices, my daughter came back and again started to abuse me, i phoned the police again and they didnt even turn up. The 3rd time after i rang them again they turned up and finally arressted her, after she appeared in court the next day social services brought her back to mine where she admited both to the court and social services that she would do this again which she has. Since then she has appeared in court on numerous occasions and now they have dropped all charges on her for violence and are takin me to court for a parenting assessment. Wheres the justice in that. I believe there is no help out there at all for parents who are being abused, all i see in my future is that ill either take my own life or my daughter will take it from me.
Hi sheree. Welcome along to One Space. What a nightmare this is for you, and especially when you feel no one is there to help you. Can your daughter not live with the father? I would suggest you keep on with the Social Services, but it sounds as if they aren't helping either. Is she just like this with you and your son? What is she like at school? Can you get any support from them? Please keep posting, as others will be along at some point, and might be able to guide you in a different direction.
Sheree, I'm so very sorry that you're facing thing.
I'm sorry too that having tried every avenue that no one seems to want to help!
My heart goes out to you.
Hello sheree
Welcome to One Space, I am sorry to hear what a terrible time you have been having and even sorrier about the lack of support you have had. It sounds as if no-one has really tried to get the bottom of WHY she behaves like this. What did CAHMS say?
Are you still in a relationship with your husband? It seems to me that the whole family could live together and provide support for each other in the face of your daughter's behaviour. I know it sounds scary about having a parental assessment but what they really mean is that they are finally going to look at her home life.
Please do have a chat with Women's Aid as they are very experienced in helping people undergoing all sorts of abuse and can help and support you. We are all here for you, too.
Hi sheree, welcome to one space
It is a great site where you will recive a very warm welcome and lots of support and advice, please keep posting xxx
I am so sorry that you appear to have done everything right but its all going horribly wrong.
What would happen if you point blank refused to take your daughter back into your home? I know this wouldnt be easy for you to do but if no one is helping you maybe its the only option, you cannot continue to live like this. Have you thought of contacting your local MP? Another route for you could be to complain about the way that social services have treated you, to do this you need to go through your local council, they have to by law have a complaints procedure and from what you have said you have every right to complain.
As Louise says Womens Aid are a good route for support, I would also suggest the Samaritans for when you are feeling that there is no where to turn and no one will listen to you, they will 24/7 be there to listen.
Please do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
Thinking of you and sending you a great big hug xxx
This is so common. i feel the same . i have a 14 yr old son. i, to, have contacted police and social services and family support. i am a single parent. i dint like confrontation . i like a calm athmosphere. im sure i could do better and get on top of this if i had back up or someone he could go to. i canot have a partner because if anyone that cared about me saw how he treats me..........would end up in trouble! i wanted my children around me for years to come but this is getting worse. i worry about domestic violence later in his life with future partners. it is hard to speak up about this subject and i do find myself making exscusses for his behaviour. family support was someone who obvusly hadnt been where i am. they made pointless sugestions like drawing up a rotor for housework! i have been making i point of mixing and talking to single mothers with teen ages and have discovered this is going on in households everywhare but people dont like to talk about it over feelings of guilt, failier, shame and isolation
Hi nickey
You make a great point in saying that this is happening to alot of parents with teens, teens being abusive to parents has been on the increase in the last few years or at least it is being reported more.
I can totally understand the way that parents feel, i was running a parenting group a while back specifically aimed at parents in this situation. The key is to identifying what is going on for the child, this could be a mulititude of things, like drugs, alcohol, peers, low self esteem, schooling issues etc.
What things have you tried? would you go to a parenting group to get support?
Hi
This is my first step in admitting I am being abused by my 17 year old son. I googled domestic abuse and it eventually lead me here. Wow I am not alone, so many similar situations. Is it because we are mums, would single dad's have to deal with the same?
The violence, smashing up of the house, physical assaults, walking on egg shells, the sick feeling in the stomach when he walks in the front door or I hear his bedroom door open.
The stories have similar aspects, the comment earlier about "no food in the house" when they mean no snacks sweets or biscuts. And that is about as light hearted as it gets. I am scared, I feel I shouldn't be as I am the adult here. I don't want to get police or social services involved. It sounds like they haven't been much help to others in my position. I have a nine year old daughter to protect. I am worried she will be taken away if the true nature of our situation comes to light. I dream of running away so we don't have to deal with him, but then he is only 17 how will he cope without his family to bully! I have a good job my daughter is doing well at school my son is doing well at work where they think he is wonderful. Most people think he is wonderful. He only becomes this monster behind closed doors. Some of my friends suspect all is not right. I was looking for answers but I have just realised there are no easy answers.
To the mum who was/is in fear for her life - I know how you feel.
Hello atwitsend,
Welcome to One Space. I'm sorry such a horrific situation has brought you here, but I hope you find the help and support you need here on the boards. Well done for taking that huge first step and being honest about what is going on 'behind closed doors'.
It sounds as though your son does a really good job of 'putting his mask on' when he goes out into the world, only really leting go of his emotions when he's alone with you and your daughter. How is she coping with it all?
I'm also wondering about your story as a family unit - and what might have gone on for your son to behave like this? Can you think of anything?
Hoping you're safe and well this evening.
Mary
Hi atwitsend, what an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in, does your son see his father, is he aware of whats going on, would he be any support to you?
Fathers are also subjected to abuse from their children and it's not just boy's that are being abusive it's girls as well.
I don't think that you would lose your daughter over your son's behaviour, but what you will have to do is to decide what course of action your are going to take as the situation as it is, is not good for all of you.
It will be tough as you may have to make some tough decisions, the hardest decision and usually the last being that your son has to leave and for some parents this is nesscary for the safety of other children.
From families that i have worked with in the past getting support and having others to talk with that did not judge them as "bad parents" or for quite a few parents to be believed, as in your situation many people don't see the young persons abusive behaviour as they are sweetness and light to everyone except the parent and are often not believed when they do seek support.
Looking for support for your self and your son, youngminds (click) offer support for young people and parents, also contacting your local Family Information Service about parenting groups that are local to you as they maybe able to suggest some techniques and advise.
You can contact a domestic abuse service like womensaid they may have information of some support local to you.
Safety Planning - you will need to plan how you are going to keep you both safe, so somewhere you can go or someone you can call in an emergency. You could go talk to your doctor and you could also consider going and talking to your local police and explaining the situation so that if you did have to you could call upon them.
Here is a link for a book that you may find helpful too.
I know this is quite abit to take in, and of course we are also here to support you.
Take care of you x
Hi atwitsend, thank you for sharing what is going on for you, it is a massive step to admit it to yourself and another one to share it with others.
It would be really good to talk with Young Minds and get a strategy in place as Sally W suggested. You need to start taking some steps to keeping yourself and your daughter safe.
You may well feel embarrassed by this situation, but you are not alone, so do seek help.
If you are in danger, you MUST call the police, your son needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions and at this point only you can do this. In future it may be his girlfriend or wife, but right now it is you and you need to act.
Social services are there to support families, not to split them up as is the common belief. We are here to support you too, please don't forget.
What do you think your next step is going to be atwitsend?
Hi thought I would I would share my experience with my 17 year old son well hes 19 now but my problems with him came to a head when he was 17 he wouldnt go to college wouldnt even look for work and signing on was for parasites !!!
He spent a lot of his time with friends drinking and smoking cannabis sleeping all day up all night his behaviour was going out of control if I spoke to him he would just say dont speak to me !
He came and went when he wanted according to him there was no food in the house but as someone else said just lack of snack foods as I always cook for my children but he wanted a pot noodle or whatever because he didnt want to wait !
He shouted swore and threatened me and at the time my 15 year old daughter would get involved saying you cant speak to mum like that etc then he would shout and swear at her coming close to blows many times. He broke furniture phones etc and he would say it was my fault I made him so angry and it was better to smash a thing rather than me !
My life when down hill rapidly I didnt want to go out do anything felt just crap and felt a failure as a parent I so understand not wanting to tell anyone because the last thing I needed was to be judged but it came to a point where I was barely functioning and I had 3 other children at home so knew I had to do something I went to my GP and everything came out I told her everything and thats when it all started to change.
I was refered for Cognative behaviour therapy and refered to Next link (Domestic Violence Agency) I had so much help and support a safety plan put in place and a new perspective on my problems I was taken to SPAN (Single Parent Action Network) and enrolled on the SFSC (strengthening families strengthening communities) programme I began to look at things in a very different light.
It wasnt a case of saying it was my fault but It was very important for me to increase my confidence and self esteem because I was not helping anyone especially me I found I could analyse a problem and tackle it with a much stronger mind not just thinking it was because I was crap.
Anyway to cut a long long story short with Next Link & SFSC (which I have done 2 x 10 week course the 2nd one specifically teenagers and the specific things that can affect their behaviour ) Action for Children where my 2nd son was refered as his behaviour at 14 was starting to copy no 1 son ! Bristol City Council childrens information service where I learnt techniques of non confrontational conversation which I have to say sounds a waste of time but I have found myself using it in all sorts of situations but especially with the kids and it has been invaluable.
Well bottom line I am not the same desperate person I was my son has been in Australia working for the past year ,He is happy now stays in regular contact weekly and we have hour long conversations now about all sorts and he acknowledges his hideous behaviour in the past but now we communicate on a different level treating each other with respect.
It has not been plain sailing with my others but it is now not such a big deal because I have the skills to deal with it, There really is light at the end of the tunnel it doesnt happen overnight and its a lot of hard work , I was in that dark place and I came through. There is support out there use it and I have never felt judged ever .
WOW dobsoninc!!! fantastic post, thank you so much for sharing your story. It will be such help and encouragement to those who are really struggling with their teenagers.
You're right, you can start to feel as if you are a dreadful parent.....and then when you start to do courses and get the support you can start to think "so is this MY fault then?" and then gradually you realise no. it is not your fault but you CAN affect the outcome and the way you deal with things can help not only yourself but everyone else in the situation. It takes great courage to go through this transformation though, so a big HIGH FIVE to you. How wonderful to hear about the difference you have made
Hi Louise
Very brave of you to bring up the topic! It is a huge issue and one that people don't want to discuss openly, often parents make excuses to themselves for their teenagers,
- its not their fault, i was nagging
- they do it cos their dad was like that
- he's having a tough time at school and is stressed out with all the pressure of exams
- its society today
PLEASE .....everyone.... it is none of the above, there is no excuse, it is abuse and it needs to be dealt with. It can feel completely humiliating to admit that this is actually going on in your home and as a single parent I know that we blame ourselves entirely.
It is not your fault, not seeking help for you and your child will be.
We need to teach them about barriers, what is acceptable behaviour, I know that we are really aware of that when they are small, but as they grow, the emphasis of our parenting tends to lean towards are they happy etc.
You do not deserve to live like this and nor does your child, they need help, even if they won't admit it. I have just been looking at another site, all about teenagers and violence in the home and i was shocked how common it is, all people on the forum were married but their husbands, just weren't dealing with it.
Please share with us here, we can support you and get you and your child the help that you need, do not be afraid to come forward and start fixing this problem.