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hi there im currently a single parent, i have a lovely 15 yr old daughter. after what i think is years of abuse i left my partner roughly 5 mnths ago. he is currently still in my life, i say left him he once again threw us out while drunk. I have let him back into my life but have no intentions of living with him and this is mainly my daughters doing. shes only known him as her dad and adored him but i think years of seeing me being dragged by my hair, the broken nose. than the violence stopped and he began throwing us out and we regularly stayed at grandmas, this time i was strong enough i got us a house i do work full time, but dont know y ive allowed him to treat me for meals out or for a drink. my daughter wont go back and i must admit im enjoying living on my own, i look years younger for a start, im thinking because i was with him for 14 years its because i dont want to let go, and that he now realises he loves and is sorry for all hes done to me. do i believe he wont do it again, of course i know he will x just some advice please
Hi trudyl, welcome to One Space from me and thank you for sharing whats going on for you right now.
Skyflower has written a lovely message.
It is very difficult to just stop loving someone who we have cared for for such a long time as not all your relationship was bad, even though you have been through some dreadful experiences, you also have that companionship.
You said that you 'found the strength' to find yourself your own house, you also say 'You don't know why' but you have allowed him to take you out and treat you to meals.
May I suggest deep down you know that this behaviour isn't ok, but his voice is louder than your internal loving voice, meaning you listen to him more than you listen to yourself. This is completely normal as over the last 14 years you have learnt how to keep him calm, how to play his game, how to behave to cause the least aggression/violence as possible.
Right now he is using all his power to get you back onside. How many times has this happened before? He knows how to work you to get back in your good books.
You have managed to get further and further away (whether consciously or not) you have built your own home, your job, your looks, but he certainly knows how to reel you back in.
Do our Freedom Programme, learn more about abusive behaviour, grow your confidence and self esteem, love yourself more than anyone else in the world. I am not saying that you should leave him, only you can make that choice, love is a complicated thing. However I think the more you love and respect yourself the less you will allow him, or anyone else, treat you badly.
I am so glad your daughters is adamant in her position, she shouldn't have to watch her mum be treated so badly. She has a good head on her!
How has your day been today?
I felt I just had to post. I dont have fancy words just 22 yrs under my belt. You must be a fantastic mum because you're daughters' survival instincts are still intact.
your survival instincts are SCREAMING the answers to you. You know what you have to do.
He's sorry? Good! It's a start but it doesn't mean a get out of jail free card. He realises that he loves you? Fantastic! Let him worship you from afar. He's treating you like a human being because he knows a decent caring soul will come into your life. He's spraying his scent to warn off the other men.
Doesn't mean that anythings changed And you want change. Your daughter wants change.
This first year on my own has been hard. I was full of confusion and self doubt. I was lonely and adrift. I was married at twenty and, I kid you not, I was a beauty. when I finally left my husband I was a forty two year old frightened teenager. I looked in the mirror and saw this petrified woman with a broken nose, broken teeth, grey streaks in her hair. I was Under weight I didn't even know who my mortgage provider was, even though I paid all the bills.
let it go. Let that feeling of hope and that secret fantasy go. It's only holding you back.
economic freedom is your greatest weapon. I use my money at the salon these days. my hair looks great! Who knew a dentist can give you a wonderful smile. but the thing that makes me proud? Knowing that I am a good role model to my daughter. She sees me treat my ex firmly but with dignity (I get a lot of therapy). i want her to see me standing tall.
i buy my own treats and I enjoy them. No one is going to put their hand on me or call me names or throw me out on the street just because they bought me a meal or a drink.
take care of yourself you have done something tremendous. Keep going don't look back xx
Trudyrl, stressball is so right....let it go! You have had the strength to rebuilt your life, you feel better about yourself and your achievement and your daughter is telling you this was the right thing. You are strong and he isn't, he wants what you have and he wants someone to push about.
Don't give in. You don't need him. and 5 months is not even long enough for him to start spelling the word sorry, much less feeling it!
Lovely post stressball, great to read the postive changes you have made in your life and how far you have come
Its a tough journey, but sooo worth it
So sorry you had to go through it tryduyrl. You have had such a hard time and invested so much for such a long time without him appreciating it.
You write:
"after what I think is years of abuse I left my partner"
"dragged down by my hair, the broken nose" "began throwing us out"
I know it is a very lonely place to be, sometimes, to be on your own after a long marriage, but you need to be treated with love , support and respect. That is a basic right for everyone.
So far he has not done that all these years and he is not a child, but an adult who makes choices. All those years he did not care to treat you right whilst you loved him and took care of his needs.
Have you read and done the Freedom Programme on here under "Learning" above this page ? I think you will recognise when you read this, that it was deliberately done to keep you under control, and not because he was losing it.
You can also learn a lot by reading some threads on here, by women in similar positions.
He now realises he loves you is now sorry for all he has done to you (he has also not treated his daughter right by chucking her out as well and doing the abuse in front of her). People that drink never take responsibility for their actions, they blame it on you, they lie, or they say they are sorry and then do it again. Has he stopped drinking? If not there is no way you will get a better life, it will very quickly get worst again as soon as they have you back and feel sure of that.
I am so glad you can now work full time and that you have your own house, that you look so much younger as you no longer live in this terrible stress and hardship. Be ever so proud of yourself as to what you have achieved.
I went back after my husband said how sorry he was, most of us do. His "good" behaviour lasted 2 weeks. I do hope you will read and do the exercises of the Freedom Programme and I am sure on here a lot of people will support you and help you through all xx