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Hi everyone,
Just had the millionth row with my family about my refusal to take any money from my daughters dad. Truth is i dont want it!!! I know there is probably some stubborness and pride going on here but I refuse to contact the CSA on this man.
He doesnt work for one (not legally anyway, he is a dealer) so although he is loaded he sits on benefits so I would only get £5 from him, number two since the day my little angel was conceived I have provided everything she needs (and wat he needed when I was with him) by working my butt off! Number three my current partner of 5 years works his butt off triple hard and provides everything he can for me and my little angel, so she doesnt go with out anything.
When we had the contact centre visits her dad would turn up with ridiculously expensive clothes, toys jewellry etc every visit (she got labels I never heard of and has a DSi, DSi XL, Wii Fit, 3DS, swarkovsky crystal white gold bracelet to name a few) but he never ONCE offered a penny towards her upkeep. I asked him once if he planned to contribute to her upkeep and he said "you tell her (meaning little 'un) that if she wants anything, anything at all to give me a ring (on the mobile he provided) and it will be provided" I said "ok so what about gas electric etc" and he said "no thats for you". For me that was it, I will never go to that man for anything.
I know for a fact if I ring him and ask him for say £500, he will give it to me but he will enjoy giving it to me and there is no way I will give him the satisfaction of having even a seconds enjoyment at my expense. Am I wrong\? I feel now like I am able to say to him I have never asked you for anything and have never received anything from you and that makes me feel good. But my mum gets infuriated that my partner (bless him) spends his hard earned cash on everything we need while my ex swans around with a wad of cash in his pocket. My partner is on my side really because he sees my daughter as his own and said he would provide (i provide too not sponging off him lol) whether my ex did or not, so whats the problem?
I pay £150 a month towards my daughters up keep monthly, while only working a part time job. I'm a bloke so in a different situation as I don't raise my daughter but if I did & I was offered £5 I would tell her mother to stick it, does he think your child don't need gas & electric? you have to do what's best for you. It's nice he gets her gifts but they don't keep her feed or warm.
Like the others have said, it is your decision on what you do. Does your new partner live with you?
Can you prove he works cash in hand jobs? If you can you can use it against him
Thanks littlered, I dont think its wrong at all. I think it is unfair but everything he does is unfair and really I dont need anything of him. Even when me and my partner split (for 3 months we did originally live together for two years) I struggled massively on my own and sank in to massive debt. It was hard dressing my daughter in Gucci jeans and D&G jumpers whilst she tapped away on her new mobile to her dad, knowing my electric was about to go any second but I was never going to ask him for anything and somehow I got through. This proves to me further that I can do it without him. If he were to pay anything he would make sure the world knew about it and would believe that that somehow made him a decent dad and I am not having that.
Footie13, unbelievably, that ex of mine doesnt think he should have to provide gas electric or food because he sees it that I would have to buy these anyway for myself if I didnt have little 'un so he aint prepared to give it. It is ridiculous but so is he. The day I mentioned the gas electric situation he actually gave my daughter £80 cash in her hand and said to her 'if your mum needs some gas or electric you can lend her a tenner out of that - but make sure you get it back!' How degrading. I let my daughter keep her money and got it by myself. I really believe he only bought gifts as a way to make me look stupid to be honest. I mean since when does a 7 year old need a white gold crystal bracelet? She tried it on and said 'mum I dont like it, its too heavy' I have had to put it away for when she is older. In his defense though I would often tell my daughter to ask her dad when she needed new shoes or coat etc and he would provide that.
Hazeleyes - my partner doesnt live with me any more, we work better living separate 
Footie13 I cant prove what he does to get his money, I am only guessing it has something to do with drugs as that is what he went prison for the last time.
Hello Littleangel... I live by the saying "Every child deserves a father but not every father deserves a child" Telling his own child to lend u money but make sure she gets it bk is a disgrace & openly putting you down to your child. My baby's father also thinks he can buy her love. He didn't get her Xmas presents as he said he pays child support so that should be enough! I don't blame you for not taking his money, I wouldn't either. Your lucky to have such a good partner now :) . One day your daughter will realise all of this & it Wil be her fathers lose. chin up x
Aw thanks Tinkerbell. I feel I am right not to take anything from him and I never stop him giving my daughter anything so she doesnt miss out. But all my family and friends get so wound up about it. Especially my mum because I often borrow money from her till pay day etc and she doesnt mind lending it because we have always done that but ever time she does I get a lecture about how I should be chasing him for what i am owed etc. Just does my head in grrrr!.
Luckily my little angel is so well grounded that whenever she gets money off him she will say to me 'do you want it mummy?' but I dont like the idea of taking it from her like that, it would be different if he put it in my hand and told me to buy her something I would use it but he does it that way on purpose. His loss at the end of the day
He sounds very immature & has alot of growing up to do. He is using Money as a weapon & rubbing it in your face. It's lovely your daughter offers it to you, that is very grown up of her. Sorry to be rude but he sounds like a total jerk off. I can understand why your mum gets upset as mine does the same with my baby's father & she has in the past had little out bursts at him but as we need to remind them, it needs to be sorted between only the mother and father, as hard is that may be when family's see their loved ones stressed, your right, it is his lose and money can't buy love a lesson he will learn further down the line
You are totally right Tinkerbell - he is a jek off! And many other things too. I do get why mum gets angry, as I am in a way but not much I can do so no point fighting over it. My mum really really cant stand him and I guess she likes to vent about him every now and again because he has caused me so many problems. My mum had the very unfortunate experience of having witnessed him assault me just as I was realised from hospital from an operation to my throat, he was strangling me and I think (as a mother myself) this has scarred her forever. And even worse she watched me go back to him after hospital mended my throat 
. I have always (and still do - not quite sure why) denied to her that he was violent to me so i guess talking about the money is the only thing she can go on about because if she talks about violence i just deny it or minimise it. He has damaged so much more than he even realises.
How horrible :( I know how hard it can be being in a violent relationship as my mother also suffered violent/sexual abuse from my father, which sometimes happened infront of me &y sibling. it's a matter that's very common but as yourself can agree the abused hide & deny it. He sounds like a horrible person however he has still stepped up to the mark and been a dad to your daughter, a lot of men take the easy way out & vanish. I truly hope he mans up before its to late & remember to keep strong, you may want to kill him at times but I think you have shown your the bigger person
Aw sorry you went through that Tinkerbell. Now that I a out of that relationship I see that the biggest impact of domestic violence is on the people around you. My daughter was two when i left and even at that age I could see the damage it was doing to her.
To be honest I wish my ex would disappear because his interest in seeing his daughter is not as genuine as he likes to make out, its more about getting at me and seeing what I am up to etc. He never looked after her when we were together I had to get my mum to watch her while I was at work coz he preferred the xbox!!!! I wish i could stick a warning label on his head to protect other women because I was the 3rd (that we know of) woman to suffer at his hand.
My daughters father is the same, I left him while I was pregnant due to him having more intreast in his mates & thinking my parents would pay for everything, he also claimed he was entitled to HALF of my baby savings as it was his half child aswell. I always kept him in the loop & still do even thou he hardly visits & when he does he ignores her, cant change a nappy and is unsafe with her, people say men learn at a slower rate but she is now 7 months so changing nappies is a basic thing. He like your ex thinks money can buy love, there is no bond between them so it goes to show that it clearly doesn't! My family refuse to see him as he also tried to sponge off them, Im friendly on visits for my girls sake but he doesn't lift a finger for her & I do EVERYTHING! She's in poor health and has been from birth, which means she's in & out of hospital- he has never visited her in hosp or offered to attend appointments. he cant even name what's wrong with her as he pays such little intreast but I believe it's for her to decide when she's older if she wants to see him or not! He's claiming he wants her over night even thou he lives 3 hours away and can't change her or realise when she's hungry! I know deep down she's an inconvinance to him but he wants to look the big I am to his mates & makes out hes the worlds best dad, it's all a front to make him feel good. His own family don't talk to him coz of how he is, it's a shame as children deserve the best but I'm a strong beloved that single parents do it just aswell as a family with two
Yes, one good parent is quite enough for a child!
Little angel, I would feel the same about the money as you do. One way round it would be to try to borrow from your mum less, so that it does not prompt a lecture.......but also to say to her that you would only get £5 a week anyway, so any loans you do ask for would still have to be asked for! It is amazing how we get through, as parents, whew, when I look back at how close to the wind I had to sail, it makes my knees knock.
I totally understand where you're coming from.
Cheers guys x Yeah £5 is an insult really when I know he has so much money. Its not like my daughter goes without. I really do rely on lending from my mum from time to time and my mum lends from me too as does my sister its just how we have always done it (not large amounts just £20 here and there). My mum just likes to vent, I have to just let it sail over my head. She is more wound up about him at the moment because he is taking me court and this angers her.
Tinkerbell, I feel your pain my daughters dad was perfectly capable of changing a nappy or feeding etc but he wouldnt do it if I was there because that was MY job. His only job with our daughter when we were together was playing with her and reading her stories or racing her around the street making her laugh. Everythging else was my job, so I would be exhausted as she didnt sleep through till she was 1 and I worked full time so my daughter never actually had fun with me. When I left it was heartbreaking at first because when I used to put her to bed and read her a story she would say "no I want daddy to do it he tells it more fun". I used to hate him for that.
hi littleangel, just want to add my support here too. I had the CSA people come to my house to try and get me to claim money from my daughters father. I had to sign a form stating why I wouldn't claim ie: I was scared. What annoyed me about this was that surely the Govmt should be claiming it from him, seeing as they were supporting me with benefits. It shouldn't be my decision to make him pay, it should have been theirs.
Anyway, I felt the same as you, I didn't want anything from him. I only ever asked him twice for money and both times he stole it back from my purse when he left. So when I turned up at the post office to buy electric it wasn't there and we had to go without. V. frustrating to put it mildly!
You know why your mum is furious about it, she wants him to feel some pain too.
You and your daughter have a great future together. You can discuss with her the importance of material goods versus the importance of family and love.
When my daughter was little I couldn't afford anything, living off £65 per week, rent was paid, but out of this I had to get gas, elec, phone & food. But I can honestly say, now my daughter is 17, she does have a healthy sense of money.
Stick to your guns you know what is right for you and your girl...and your chap sounds like he wants the best for you both too 
Thanks Anna. I know what you mean about the CSA when I claimed IS for a brief period I was literally hounded to chase the ex for some money. It wasnt coz they wanted to give it to my daughter it was so the govt could get their hands back on some of the money I was claiming (I think it has recently changed so you dont have to hand over CSA money when claiming anymore). At the time I was terrified of him and he didnt know where I lived or anything so I refused to give his details but it was a bloody struggle as the JC were pretty adamant they wanted his details.
My daughter is great she doesnt care for anything he buys her really (because most of it is too falsh and she is too young to understand) like when I bought her a DS for xmas he went and bought her a DSi (better one) but she was just like 'but why do i need two?' I love her for that she is happy with anything she gets no matter if its from the pound shop or selfridges.
His spending on her like he did for those 6 months of contact just didnt work - she doesnt like him. She tells me she just doesnt want to see him, she thinks he is weird (he is!) because he is soooo intense with her and goes so over the top with kisses and cuddles etc it makes her uncomfortable. It used to break my heart watching her flinch when he picked her up to cuddle her because she looked exactly how I did when I was with him. I think because he grew up in an institution (was in care from age of 5) he doesnt quite know how natural affection works. He is suffocating and it scares my daughter. I know that this isnt quite his fault but I have tried a million times to tell him to back off a bit and respect personal space but he doesnt listen. My god when I was with him i literally had to sit physically next to him 24/7 and I dont want my daughter subject to that.
Hi littleangel, I hope that when this case goes to court that a CAFCASS officer gets involved. They will then speak to your daughter about how she feels and determine how to go forward from what she says.
Your ex is a controller, I think we have to teach our daughters to have their own minds, so that although they may have to do as they are told by their fathers, they also learn that perhaps controlling others is not acceptable. Keeping communication goes a long way.
Sometimes I thank my lucky stars that I have a daughter, as I believe it would be harder to deal with this sort of thing with a boy child whose father behaved abusively.
Thanks Anna, We do have a Cafcass officer (not met him yet) but my ex is so manipulative that Im not sure they will pick up on anything from him. Also how can i explain his 'over affection' in court? I tried telling contact workers and my solicitor when we did contact but they didnt seem to get what I was saying. I dont even think my ex does it deliberately he is just one of them people that is so 'in your face' and its unbearable. It really freaks my little girl out.
My daughter has begged me not to let her speak to the cafcass officer. She is too scared to say she doesnt want to see her dad. Last couple of times i reported this to my solicitor during contact he was straight in her face asking her why she didnt want to see him? why she doesnt love him? and telling her how hard he is fighting to see her. I have promised her that she doesnt have to say to the cafcass officer that she doesnt want to see her dad. We agreed she will tell them what her dad wants her to say and I will try my damnest to stop her having to have contact with him. This will make things more difficult for me obviously but I dont want my daughter getting challenged by her dad she is only 8 and he is just too over bearing. He doesnt threaten her or anything he just makes her feel guilty.
Oh little angel I understand why you have promised her that but if she says she will see him then the CAFCASS officer will take that as her word and think you are just trying to put a spanner in the works. Do encourage her to tell the truth about how she feels. How awful that a little girl should be put in this position by CAFCASS. Would it help if she wrote down how she feels, to show to them?
Not really Louise, its not really cafcass fault either its him, he will question her about why she said it and she doesnt want that. She doesnt want her dad to know she doesnt want to see him and because of the way he was last time she said it I dont blame her. I really dont want her to be put on the spot by him if she says it and the court rule in our favour that is when my ex is most likely to kick off (i already know this and am prepared for it) one thing he doesnt take well is rejection and I know he will confront her if she says that. Its just my way of protecting her its just easier for him to think I am the one who objects to it.
I do understand.....I know it is not CAFCASS' fault but I suppose I meant "the system".
littleangel, you will speak to the CAFCASS officer before your daughter does. Tell them everything that you need to, but keep it matter of fact. If they tell you something that you know to be untrue or you disagree with, try really hard to keep emotions out of it. Just state your truth, your ex will try and manipulate the situation, so you have to present a solid presence.
My daughter had to speak to an officer when she was 7, she got pulled out of class one day, she was really confused to what she wanted, but instead of having to say outright, she was given a scale to work with. How much do you want to see your dad on a scale of 1-10, every answer she gave was 5 or below.
You do need to encourage her to say how she honestly feels, I know that she is worried that her dad will find out, he will question her on it, but it might support the case of her having less contact with him.
He needs to know that you both object to contact. I know that you feel pretty sure that the courts will decide in his favour, but you really never know, they are becoming more aware of there types of situations and how unhealthy it is for the children.
Did you have a nice mothers day?
I think you have to do what feels right for you and your partner - your mum is angry on your behalf but perhaps it would be best to say to her you don't want to row about it or talk about it - its not wrong unless you think its wrong - in my opinion anyway