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Hi just seeking advice and a bit of a sound off at the same time. a couple of days ago i recieved an email from the girlfriend of my sons dad. she wanted to know had I been sleeping him as she knows he has seen other women during the four years they have been together (i was pregnent at this point), she also knows he has had a relationship with someone else during the time they have been together.
she then went on to say she wanted to meet me so I could see she is a nice person and she would like to become more invovled in my sons life! ?
I was flabbagasted and rather freaked out at her interest in my son (especially as his dad makes such little effort to see him).
I eventually responded, stating I cant tell her more thank she already knows.. that he lies to her, he cheats on her, he manipulates her and is a narcissist. I also sent her the link to his online dating profile.
In regards to my son, I clearly stated that the little time he gets with his dad, the priority for my son is time with his father and his family and not with her.
I also advised her of the freedom programme and that I hoped she could find the strength and courage to leave him.
I feel like I have been placed between a rock and a hard place. I felt fearful of sending it as I now know there will be repurcussions and I expect a vicious shouting phone call from my sons dad as clearly 'it will be my fault'!
I also feel sorry for her as to me, her well being cant be in a good way, but I also didnt want to get involved in this. To this day I am still experiencing his behaviours but have recently been in a place where Ive felt strong enough to make a stand and now I feel its about to unravel all over again.
Thanks Louise,
You're right I'm not responsible for her wellbeing, and i had taken the decision if she responds to not reply.
In two weeks my son is going to his dads for the weekend, and I feel like I want to say to him that its clear his relationship with his gf isnt healthy and to keep L away from her on his visit. I know this will cause a problem and I'll get shouted at.
Then I think should I just leave it, but surely thats not a good enviroment to be in for L ??
Hi new venture what a tricky spot to be in.
Would you tackling him over this change his decision, if he is not likely to listen to your concerns is it worth getting shouted at? are still going to allow the contact to go ahead if he refuses to keep your son away from her during contact?
Hi Sally
thinking about it rationally i dont really have a choice but to let him go, it's been weeks since he last went and his grandma is counting down the days.
I'm not even sure if my concerns are vindicated or whether it would just be been pedantic.
You know your ex better than anyone else new venture, if your ex has given you concerns about your sons welfare when he has contact with him, then you have the right to discuss that with him, i just wondered if he was likely to take it on board and if you were likely to stop contact if he does'nt, how does your son feel about going?
My sons three and struggles with going each time he goes, I try and be positive and tell him he'll have a wonderful time. His dad always tells me he's been fine, my son tells me he cries and when I ask him what daddy says, he says 'one more sleep'.
His basic needs are met by his dad, but I guess not to the same standards as mine but I know I just have to accept that.
He tends to not take anything on board I say, but I feel that I couldnt stop the contact and have to let it go ahead anyway.
Hi new venture, indeed a tricky situation, its horrible when our little ones don't want to go to the other parent, but it does sounds as though the gf is ok, it is your ex that is not great. So maybe your son will have a nice time with her around?
Hi Anna, feeling more rational today! He will probably be ok, I just dont like the thought of him been used as a 'tool' in thier games and I know I'll be left with a sense of guilt in letting him go.
Hi new venture, glad you are feeling a little better today.
First and foremost we have to think of the children, are they safe, is it healthy for them, will this damage their wellbeing etc.
If at any time you don't think the visit is in your son's best interests, you do as a mother have to make that choice.
We don't want to be seen as the 'bad' parent, but if situations are detrimental to our children then we have to find the inner strength and stand up.
When you say you will feel a sense of guilt in letting him go, can you expand on that? How is your son on his return?
hi
well i decided to let my son go to his dads this weekend and also not to raise the issue of the email as my son for once, was looking forward to going and i didnt want to ruin the atmosphere for him.
i have the suspicion his father knows about the email as he was behaving almost rather abrupt for a week or so, but each time he came on skype i remained positive and happy... which I could see puzzled him!
today, i have even had a text to say my son is fine and slept well and what they are doing today, which i appreciated as this wouldnt normally happen.
I an also fortunate that my plans to keep busy and meet up with friends has all fallen into place this weekend, so not much time to 'stew' on things.
thanks for your support, advice and letting me sound off!
Well done, new venture and I was wondering if you could say to his dad "thanks for the update and telling me our son is Ok, I really appreciated it"?
thats just what i did louise, then havent heard anything since!
picking him up from the station shortly, cant wait, i've not seen him since friday morning, seems ages
That's great new venture, how was your son when you collected him, did he have a good time?
his dad told me simply he'd been fine, my son said he had but i dont like to prompt him too much. Each time he returns, his emotions are generally all over the place, but tonight ive let his little friend over to stay and it seems to have distracted him.
nice to have him back though
Great idea to distract him with the sleepover, do you have any plans for today?
Eugh new venture, poor you, just as you are putting everything behind you....
But please understand, you are NOT responsible for her wellbeing, you and your son are what you need to prioritise. You are right that when your son sees his dad it needs to be quality time for the two of them. It sounds as if she had good intentions in emailing you but if she emails you again, I would recommend not replying. Think of yourself as floating above it all. You have broken away and you are doing your level best to move on....and we are here to talk to every day.