embarrassed | One Space

JaneHope

I was really hoping to find an already written problem like this and just read the reply there. But ... google's failed.

What it did provide was some serious answers as well as some very lenient ones.

So not sure whether to shrug this off or take it seriously.

My daughter was tugging at her nana's (my mum's) top. And so nana was like 'what's under there?' and then lifted her top to reveal that she wasn't wearing anything under neath. Basically flashing her. It was brief and as she was going home anyway.

I struggle with this. In my child hood I remember her asking me to see if I could see a string hanging out from her as she couldn't remember if she'd left a tampon in or not. It was not something I wanted to do, and I know now that it was an abuse and inappropriate and that I was never in a position to be able to say 'no.'

Has that incident damaged me? slightly. yes. It's definitely a memory I'd be far happier without.

I have seen her behave inapproprietly with the kids, most of the time I do eventually tell her that she crossed a line.

But... little stuff... always happens. She doesn't listen. She is mostly ignorant and un-self aware.

Just this last year or so she has been suffering some heavy depression for the first time in her life. On Saturday she told me she wanted didn't want to live any more. 'just wants to die.'. I looked for the crisis phone number and told her she was not allowed to say things like that unless in a hospital.

She about turned to put it mildly.

She is still waiting for CBT. coming up to being on a waiting list for a year now.

I do think she has tendancies of bi-polar but has yet to be diagnosed. A lot of therapists just say 'it's your personality'.

err well durr.

She is highly medicated at the moment. and if she is not she is just tears. I don't tread on egg shells around her as frankly I'm sick of her. I realised whilst accompanying her to a psychiatrist appointment in december, her whole life, my whole life, it has -always- been about -her-.

Today was a good day. she took her meds. Was relatively calm etc. but then, high from the day she ends it as mentioned above.

She says she'll always move to wherever I am. I have seriously considered just leaving and not letting her know where I am. There was a time I included their father in that.

I don't want to upset my mother by mentioning again to her her behaviour. But she'll mention having the kids stay at her house and it's things like this which prevent me from feeling comfortable. Hell on the beach today I was worried about her and whether she could 'handle' paddling in the sea with my daughter whilst I sat with stuff with my son. (half her meds are for her narcolepsy)

I'm trying to be a better mum for the kids but this nagging feeling at my head says I'd be better if I didn't have any other 'family' involvement is quietly at the back.

Having had so little family whilst growing up, it is still one of my biggest pains that I bear as quietly as I can.

Anyway thank you for reading all this if you did... only place I could think of to really ask for some guidance about it.

Posted on: July 24, 2012 - 9:10pm

sparklinglime

I wish I knew what to say, but I'm afraid I don't. One of the parent specialists will though, I'm sure, as well as some of the other lovely people who post here.

You say that your Mother hasn't been diagnosed yet. Is this still ongoing? I'm wondering if you are able to speak to your GP about your worries about your Mum.

Is your Mum able to sit and talk about things with you rationally? So perhaps you could express your concerns and maybe even set some ground rules in place that might help make things easier.

I can understand the feeling of needing to run away.

Posted on: July 24, 2012 - 9:16pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi JaneHope

I do think you are right to go with your gut feeling on being careful about leaving her with the children. It does sound as if some of her behaviour is very inapppropriate

One of the things that really jumped out of your post for me was when you said she says that she will always move to wherever you are. That feels...suffocating. You should not have to live your life with that shadow.

It's great that she is getting treatment for her depression and hopefully the CBT will help that but it does not sound like enough to me, a bit like putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound.

How about talking things through with Saneline one evening?

If your mum gets a firm diagnosis then at least a treatment programme can be put in place so this seems to be the key. Who is there that you can talk to about this? I also want to suggest that you look really carefully at your boundaries with her (hard, I know) as your whole liife is NOT about her, you have your own life to lead and two children to care for. Sorry if this sounds harsh. How do you feel about it all?

Posted on: July 25, 2012 - 8:57am

JaneHope

Thank you both for your replies.

I will bring up the recent crossing of boundaries when the time is right.

It would be great to know that if I told her what is and isn't acceptable I could trust her to listen and be more appropriete. But experience has told me that it may work for a week or so but eventually some random moment, emotion, idea, will come and she'll upset me again. I spent my teenage years shouting and screaming at her not to go into my room to tidy etc. She never listened then. She still does it with my house now. It's hard. Because it is messy at times and sometimes her help is appreciated, and it is confusing for her - I'll say 'thank you for tidying up the lounge' and then she'll start on the the kids rooms or even my room, and I did once say she crossed a line with my bed room, but the kids room is a bit of a grey area.

And yes, suffocating is the word. But I'm used to it. I have my little daydream of running away which frees me up from the 'shadow'.

It's hard because as she is my only family, I am her only family. At least in this country.

Will speak to her. the chance for some one on one time is coming up so it will be easier without the kids around. It's a long waiting game really. And I'm not the most trustful when it comes to relying on medication and drs to actually help. I really hope the CBT (when she receives it) will do some good work. But knowing how my mother thinks... It will most likely work best whilst she is attending the sessions.

I don't really have anyone to talk about this with as if I tell the dad it will just anger him and make him not want the kids to see their nana at all, which is fair in a way. He is well informed of the majority of her behaviour anyway so it wouldn't be a surprise, just a refresher really.

I will look into 'saneline' and possibly raise it with a dr but not sure about the latter one as she is already in the mental health system but maybe it would help her get some CBT a bit quicker...

Thank you again, obviously there's always a ton of other stuff going on to help distract and fill the time but was helpful to have some input on this issue, I think a one on one talk may be the best way forward on this.

JHx

Posted on: July 25, 2012 - 8:55pm