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I've been thinking about this over the weekend and am interested in people's thoughts.
I have been in 2 emotionally abusive marriages (the second one longer and far worse than the first). First husband was unable to cope with my feelings of falling apart and not coping after the birth of our second child. I think it might have been postnatel depression or a degree of but it was never diagnosed. His lack of support made it worse. 2nd husband was very controlling, narcissistic, and also couldn't cope with any emotional outburst from me, although any emotional outburst from him needed to be understood.
I am in another relationship of 5 years. We don't live together and see each other every weekend. He seems to very good at handling his emotions; doesn't fly off the handle, quick to forgive, shrugs things off easily. He makes me wish I could manage my own emotions better. Most of the time I am very good at putting things in perspective and not over-reacting. But not so good when I am under pressure or tired.
Do you think that people who emotionally abuse, have low emotional intelligence?
Does emotional abuse affect the emotional intelligence of the victim/survivor?
What about people who are very good at managing their own emotions, but can't cope with other peoples? Is that because they are in control of their own, but not in control of someone elses? Is their EI high?
And how about people who are very empathetic and understanding of other peoples emotions, but not always good at managing their own?
BTW I did an online quiz, and my EI was average lol
Interested in what people here think, or maybe I am just rambling, in which case, feel free to ignore me :)
Hello Rosedragon, lots of interesting things here.
I agree with Anna that it is good to understand ourselves first and foremost.
Those who are abusive will sometimes have high emotional intelligence in their manipulation skills!
The difference you have noticed in terms of managing emotions between you and your partner could be a male/female thing...men tend to compartmentalise things (I envy them that skill sometimes) whereas women weave a patchwork in their lives where things are joined together. I make no apology for this generalisation, which I have noticed in many years of counselling work. Of course there are exceptions! But managing emotions does not mean not having them, it means recognising your own trigger points, knowing what helps you, having a plan of action etc
People who have empathy with others but not themselves often have a self-esteem thing going on, where their own needs are unclear, often due to childhood experience. People who have no empathy with others can verge on sociopathy. And I agree about the control thing, that some people feel scared when they see emotion in others that is outside their sphere of control
Where are you sitting with all this?
Thanks Anna and Louise,
As Louise said, I do have a self-esteem thing that goes back to my childhood. My Dad was quite selfish, putting himself and the things he wanted before his family, yet needed to maintain the image of a doting father. His passion was fishing, and he always had to have the latest equipment even if it meant that his family went without. He would go fishing every weekend, leaving on a Friday evening and coming home Sunday lunchtime, and then take us out for the rest of the day. We were under pressure to enjoy ourselves no matter what and pretend to be happy to keep him happy. My 2 brothers and I had to be seen but not heard. He couldn't stand the sound of children crying. I wanted him to love me but always felt that nothing I did was good enough. I don't think I realised how much he loved me and was proud of me until he was dying.
I seem to be stuck in an action replay, looking for a partners affection, and it never being quite what I'm looking for. First relationship, he was selfish and neglectful. First marriage, he was financially stupid, wanting things we couldn't afford, wanting to maintain an image I couldn't keep up. Second husband, was more reliable, but more controlling, and he used my children to control me.
All three of them had one thing in common, they couldn't understand why I was moody, complained that I was too sensitive, and said that nothing they did or said would ever be right for me. Even my current partner has said on occasion that he is afraid to say something because he fears that anything he says will be taken the wrong way.
Which is why I am questioning my own emotional intelligence. I believe that it has got better as I have got older; as I understand myself more. That said, I understand myself more somedays than others. Some days (usually nights) I am a basket case.
When I first left second husband, I couldn't have been happier. The new found freedom was breathing fresh air after being closed up in a locked, stale room for 10 years. Every day I would marvel at every magic moment of freedom. A few months later, I started a relationship with my current partner. He respected my need for freedom and it was great. But then he wouldn't answer texts, and I would fret that he had lost interest. Of course, he hadn't, he just didn't realise that I needed reassurance. I get it now. I'm aware that he is a bloke who thinks like a bloke, and we might not text or phone all week and I'm cool. But sometimes he will not turn up on a Friday night without a word, and I lie half awake half the night, and wake up disappointed and alone on a Saturday morning. Something would have come up that took his attention, and he doesn't need to let me know because he doesn't answer to me, as I don't answer to him.
Sometimes he gets on my nerves, or I think about how my freedom means I can do what I like, when I like, and I am glad that we don't live together. And then sometimes, I wish that we could be together properly, and it hurts that he doesn't want that.
Most of the time, I am sane, glad of my freedom, glad that my girls are happy, thankful for the roof over our heads, and proud that I made that happen.
Just every now and then, I have a little wobble.
Hi Rosedragon, that's really interesting. You are certainly learning a lot about yourself!
One thing that jumped out of your post was the fact that several partners have said they can't do anything right, that they are frightened of saying the wrong thing to you. Now, when several different people say something about us then there's usually a grain of truth in it and we need to take it on board BUT their "assessment" of you sounds just like your assessment of your dad so no wonder them saying that gets to you!!!! that is not the sort of person/parent you wanted to be, and they have misunderstood you.......so to counteract that, you are "cool" with the non-texting etc and maybe sometimes then it is hard to judge what IS reasonable. When we have the self-esteem worry and also when people have mistreated us, it becomes hard to trust our own judgement.
As an outsider I would say it is unreasonable for him not to let you know whether he will be there on a Friday night or not. If you did something every week with someone, even if that was meeting for a coffee every Monday at 3pm then if you could not go one week then it would be normal to text and say so. What would happen if one Friday night he turned up and you were out? (because you did not need to cancel with HIM?)
All I am saying is that in learning about yourself and how different people operate differently, learn to trust your own judgement about what is OK and what is not OK....it is a steep learning curve if you have spent a lifetime putting this to one side whilst other people set the agenda. Getting in touch with your own needs is hard but it's the next step.
Hope this is ringing a few bells?
Hi Rosedragon interesting questions here.
I do not think that people who emotionally abuse necessarily have low emotional intelligence at all.
I do however think that when we have been in an abusive relationship our natural state of being connected and accepting/acting on our our emotions and feelings gets damaged.
Emotional Intelligence can mean different things to different people I think. Personally I believe that emotional intelligence is about how much you know and understand yourself. So if you know that you are not so good when you are under pressure or tired you have good EI, then I guess if you know how to look after yourself once having that awareness even better!
I think that understanding ourselves first and foremost gives us higher emotional intelligence. How can we have empathy and understanding for others if we do not have it or experience that for ourselves?