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So, my child sees his dad sometimes through the week after school. He's liking me at the moment, to pick him up and i guess 'pass him over' to dad after school. He's adament on me being there at times, which i don't mind at all.
What i find difficult, is when the dad comes in too, and stands behind me, waiting for our child to finish school. We have an amicable relationship, but i can't talk to him really unless my child is with us, as i don't feel i need to, He's not there for me, he's there for our child kind of thing.
Now, in terms of rights, its absolutlety his right to do that, i acknowledge that. But, the feelings i have when he does that (due to his past hurt towards me) are awful. I kept myself together, but if i had of seen my son leaving school running into his arms, i would have fallen apart.
It's a tough one, but any ideas on what i an do to change the sitaution to help my feelings, or a way to control my feeliongs would be helpful.
I know, there will times like this in the furture, i need to learn to deal with them.
thanks.
Hi,
i understand what youre saying. But when there has been past hurt to the extent that he gave towards me, being empathetic towards him is very difficult. Honestly, i couldn't care less about him in that sense, and the less i think about it the better at the moment, as i feel i have to deal with my emotions and how i can deal with the situation y'know?
I understand that it's hard for him, but he made his bed he can lay in it in my opinion.
I just find it very difficult to be around him for more than about 5 minutes. Drives me mad, i know i do have to be in his company at times however, i am wuilling to deal with this.
Perhaps its a matter of acknowledging him and carrying on with my life as i do all the other days i pick my child up.
Hi Pink Lilly,
yes, it's the toughest test having to spend time near your ex, and it's even tougher to see them interacting with "your" child. I am no expert on this, and my memory of these feelings goes back nearly 20 years, but I still remember the anger, the 'How dare you?' gut feeling i had every time I saw my ex and our son together.
Looking back on it, I am glad I just put up with it, and made a point never to comment, never to be seen to judge and never to even look at them. It wasn't how I felt, but I think it helped me maintaining a good relationship with our son, who didn't see our break up as more of a problem than it really was.
I know, easy to say now looking back! I dealt with it by just acting out the part. I was the most reasonable parent in the world, and nothing would rattle me. I don't know how you achieve it. I just kept telling myself I was doing this for my son. I know most separated parents go through it, and I know I found it really difficult. My suggestion? Recognise the hurt, make sure you know it's there, but make sure your son never sees it.
And talk about it. It's OK to feel that anger, just make sure you recognise it for what it is and have someone you can talk to about it.
Hi pink lilly
I am trying to think of what emotions you are feeling at the time when he is just stands behind you? Is it irritation, frustration, uncomfortableness??
I am wondering if on those days you could chat with one of the other mums? Or turn up right at the cusp of bell time?
For you seeing your son and running into his arms, would have been very painful, however he has to see this, so I imagine that is quite difficult for him.
I was once told that 'being kind' was a really helpful way of living. So rather than get caught up in your emotions, can you 'be kind' to his situation? For me this really helped as it kind of took me out of the equation and meant I didn't have to feel anything personally.
What do you think? What do others think?