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Hello everyone,
it would be great if anyone had any experience of this and could offer any views.
I have separated from my husband of 18 years. We have 3 children together but we did briefly split up once before when for me things had just got too painful, argumentative for too long and all I saw was the kids living in a war zone. I feel that he has been an emotionally neglectful and controlling husband which has made me feel as if my lifehas just got smaller and smaller over the years. I never felt like he appreciated or understood the sacrifices and work involved in trying raise 3 healthy, happy children. We were continually arguing and despite couples counselling after we split last time we have not been able to make it work. It just felt like we hated each other. He is having his own counselling now as our joint therapist felt that we would only make limited progress unless ex got his own counselling first. This was mainly due to some quite deep set issues with self esteem and worth etc.
This time is it though. He has organised a place of his own whereas before he just stayed with friends. I felt like I just couldn't keep putting the kids through the stress and I began to feel like I couldn't respect myself if I kept allowing him to treat me in ways that were hurtful. Initially I felt elated and really happy and free. I felt free to sort my own life out and was just glad to be rid of him.
I am feeling very confused now though as he is generally being very nice to me and really cooperative, both traits that were not common within the relationship. Initially I was very wary and saw it as him playing a bit of a game maybe. I felt very pushed and pulled. Now though I just feel very upset and very confused. If he treated me this way[better] in the marriage I feel we would still be together. I feel I do miss him and love him but I'm not sure if it's just because he's being so much nicer. From experience I know if he returned home it would be back to normal stress in a very short time, and he would never ask to come back or resolve things it would be me making it all alright for him to return. I would have to work hard to make him welcome again.
I don't know if I wish for a way for the relationship to be able to work or if really I need to be able to wish for a way to be able to move on from it.
I have felt before that the relationship has been emotionally abusive which I think is why I was so keen to get space from it but now I feel like, what if we both just have our own issues to work out, could we still make it work? Tricky considering I have been trying for 18 years!
I have never cried so much as I have this week, which is really unlike me. It's beacuse I feel like I miss him so much. Is this a "normal" healthy part of the process of separating or does it mean I've made a mistake?
He says he really wants to be able to get along well with me so that we can sort the kids out easily but part of me feels that by being so nice to him means he gets what he wants, single life with much less responsibility and me still being nice when really I feel like he has let us all down. It also makes me upset. Obviously it's easier to put a wall up and be tough, I don't get as sad that way but then things are more awkward.
I'm sorry that this is so long and probably a bit ranty but it's still raw and painful when that's not what I expected at all. How do you go about moving forward? I have read somewhere on an advice site that you can't be friends with your ex. Is this true? Is some distance essential to remain sane!
thank you in advance I will appreciate your time and effort in reading and replying greatly!
Mrs x [really don't know why I chose that as a user name, ironic really!]
thanks so much Anna for your reply. Actually it's always been supposed to change and never has and actually each time I have tried and tried again I have become more squashed.
In a search for some support this morning, I have found and have been going through the online freedom course, which I have so far found amazingly helpful. I had thought that it was very difficult to tell if he was really abusive because it always felt so borderline [having never been actually hit] but actually I can see now it seems borderline because it's all a part of the process of keeping me feeling bad and confused about my self and doubting my own thoughts. I can see many traits in the descriptions of the controllers in my ex and I think he just likes to keep me needing him. When we are not together my mind is free of stress and yes my emotions do calm right down. With this recent niceness however it has made me doubt myself and made me feel like getting back in his pocket again. Actually after reading the freedom stuff, I have reminded myself that in his pocket is actually the most dangerous place to be.
Actually he isn't even being as nice to me as all that, or as your reply suggests I haven't actually heard how loved I am or anything that grand, it's just that his being reasonable and cooperative looks and feels great to me after so many years of neglect.
I can't have counselling with our couples therapist but I think now I've found myself in this place it might be a good idea to look for another one just for me.
I'm not sure Anna that he could actually do anything to show me that he's changed. I don't know if I would ever be able to really trust him. 18 years is a long time and I've seen all of his tricks, although plainly I am not immune to them yet!
mrsx
Hello mrs,
It sounds as though you know what you want deep down but his sudden "good behaviour" has made you wobble in your resolution. When I was splitting up from my husband, he didn't suddenly become nicer but the whole business of splitting up was so stressful that on two occasions I drove round to his flat with the intention of saying to him, oh forget it, let's just getback together again. Thankfully I never got out the car. I know that the split was the right thing to do and it was just that I felt wobbly.
I am glad that you have found the Freedom Programme helpful. It is hard to realise we have been abused if there are no bruises. Are you going to finish the course?
Thanks Louise,
actually I had a go at the whole course! I like information so it wasn't difficult but I took lots of notes and will return to it to re-evaluate. It has been tricky to get this whole abuse thing straight not because I couldn't admit it but because I would suggest to my ex that some of his behaviour was abusive and I would end up in a massive argument or some how leaving it alone or just carrying hoping he would change. The freedom course helped me to see that actually abusive behaviour is designed to confuse you so that you don't "break the rules" or challenge.
Thanks for telling me what happened with your ex as that goes to show that we can all have a wobble, abuse or not. That must have been hard to not get out of the car, Well done! It's tricky because you say it seems that I know what I want deep down and I know exactly what you mean, but obviously it wouldn't be what I want at all if he wasn't being so difficult. What I want is to have a healthy, happy marriage, which is why I've worked so hard at it. It's been tough as he would say that this is also all that he wanted but his behaviour and treatment of me always told me different. It's hard to know what's going on when the words say one thing and the behaviour says another.
appreciate Louise, I feel less wobbly than I did this morning when I posted!
mrs x
Great that the course has pinpointed so many things for you, mrs 
Do you know what? Tempting though it may be to point out to your ex partner that his past behaviour falls under the heading of abuse, as you say you would probably get into a huge argument OR he would say "but I have changed". So there is no need to share this with him, just stick to your stance of "I don't want to be with you anymore"
Hi mrs, how are you doing? I am so glad that you have enjoyed the Freedom Programme, it is so informative.
I would keep all your knowledge under your hat. Your ex will not understand or recognise it and will use it against you to undermine your thoughts and emotions.
So where are things at with you at the moment? Have you heard from him recently?
Hi Mrs,
Just read your post, and relate to it totally. It is the exact reason why I am on here. I was with my ex for 16 years. I left 2 years ago with my now 15 year old son. My ex always had an aggressive personality and because of his insecurities he was often very abusive. I could write a book with the things he done but at the end of the day I sort of got used to his ways and learned to live with it. He always would say he loved me but he was like Jekyl and Hyde. I was always treading on eggshells so I didn't upset him. When he was nice he was nice but more often than not he was in a temper and gradually my love for him went really. Finally I had had enough and my son was upset a lot of the time. He had three older children who hadn't spoke to him for years and one of them had even taken out a restraining order against him. No-one likes him. He is not a nice person. Anyway for a year after I left he caused me lots of problems. Police were called etc. But now he seems to have changed. Like you said, at first I thought they were just mind games but he has been having counselling and I definately see a change. Since I left he had a nervous breakdown and he is very sad and lonely and I know he misses us badly. I feel very confused as to how I feel. It is hard being with someone so long because you become so comfortable and you know that person so well. I miss being in my house and just sitting with him watching tv and acting a bit silly at times that is when things were good. I am now in another relationship and my partner now is so lovely. He loves me,.would do anything for me and treats me like a princess. There is no jealousy no argueing and he is kind and loving. Just perfect. So why am I missing my ex. I dont want to be back in that sort of relationship and no doubt it would go back to that eventually. My son hates him. He wont ever forgive. I wish I could be like that too because I would really like to move on with my life. Is is just that I feel sorry for my ex and guilty that he is so lonely. He has put us through hell but I really need to move on. Its so hard after 16 years though so I know exactly how you feel.
Hi cherylb, you said it - you feel sorry for your ex and you feel guilty.
We can often see ourselves as fixers. We try and make up for our partners shortcomings. You did this for years.
You need to see him as an individual person, not the man you spent a lifetime, looking after and seeing to his every need.
Hi mrs, I recognise your pain and dilemma, I have been through it myself, however not with the father of my daughter.
I also had the same thoughts and feelings as you. We too had split up previously once before and actually looking back we should never have reconciled.
A colleague had said to me at the time, if you are not sure, give him one more chance, so I did.... It went back to being normal very quickly and nothing much changed at all!
When we hear how loved we are and how important we are to this person and that they want to stay friends, then we wobble emotionally and question ourselves whether we made the right decision.
It would be so easy to just say 'oh ok, I want to stop you from hurting and move on from this place', but unless there is current proof of any change, it is all just talk.
Do you find that when you have no contact life becomes easier and your emotions calm down?
Are you still able to go to counselling for yourself?
What would he need to do to show you that he had changed?