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Things are going from bad to worse and I don't know where to turn.
My ex keeps having a go at me about things my son is doing or isn't doing (with regard to his age and development).
The trouble is my son is far from text-book and has had issues in the past. Nothing is as simple as he makes out and all the issues have to be dealt with delicately or it will set him back. He is doing so well with things and i think this will knock his confidence.
My son is 5 but he was toilet trained late because he had 'selctive mutism' making it difficult when he as at nursery as he wouldn't speak in front of adults let alone to them. Incidentally my ex seems to disagree with the Paediatrician over this one despite having no discussion with any of his carers.
Anyway, I hadn't realised that my son was holding onto no.2's til he got home and was asked by the school if he needed help with toileting when he started but unaware that they were not allowed to wipe bottoms. He did a massive poo in his pants one day and I arrived to see the teaching assistant handing him wipes and he was trying to clean himself (he was covered)!
At home - he reverted to wanting me to go with him to the toilet so i got a loo roll holder and fitted it where he could reach easily, kept the trainer seat and a stool and he now does a wee by himself and I sit on the stairs as I am gradually backing off. Once he is going by himself I intend to work on getting him to balance on the loo so i can then start with bottom wiping. He can do it a bit and does it at school when he has no choice but the loos are smaller there!
He is a bit behind some of his peers but its all under control and I don't know why it is such a big issue when there are far more important things to worry about. It's being done.
My ex confronts me with "isn't he wiping his bottom at home?" " What are you doing about it 'Marie1970'?"
This is just one of many things I am dealing with as all single parents will know - it's daily challenges. I don't mind discussing it but he talks down to me and in an accusing way!
He sees his son on a Sunday if he hasn't got a gig and misses school holidays completely if I don't suggest he take time off! My son has said a couple of times he doesn't want to go to see him. Last time he hadn't seen him for 2 weeks and my son came back and said he got cross with him and put tissue in his hand and forced him to wipe with it and hurt his bottom. He came back with a sore bottom and dirty too.
This is not the only issue he is having a go at me about but he is really upsetting me.
This week I had an exam to revise for (my Sage course) and I had to go to the docs for feminine problems on top of the tests I'm having done for digestive (possibly) problems where I can't eat many food types and have bloating and pain. I have lots going on at my son's school and I told my ex I couldn't talk to him this week. He was ringing and texting me all day and has been doing it again today!!! He says he has a right to grill me s he is L's father but I think a discussion is a different thing entirely. He always thinks he's right and won't listen to anything I say and yet he lets me look after L while he leads a normal life the same as before he had him(his choice). If he wants to take the child lock off the car door what can i do. If he decides not to see his son for 3 weeks because he's got other things going on what can I do?
I'm more worried about where this is going as in stress caused to me and how far he will go to harrass me. He has a history!
Where do I turn for help????????
Sorry it's so long!!
Hi
Thank you - been a horrible day so it was a bit of a rant. I am feeling calmer now.
Just blocking the things that give me stress and stop me doing my job properly (as in mum job).
Thanks again for much needed support. 
Hi Marie1970, your ex's behaviour isn't helpful is it? I am sorry to read that you are having to deal with him and not have his support.
I just wanted to send you a link to a fabulous organisation - ERIC, who have many years experience of dealing with childhood continence, I know of a couple of friends and some colleagues and other parents I have worked with use their information and found it supportive and informative. Here is the link to their constipation and soiling pages.
You say that your ex has a history of harrassing you, if you feel that your son is not safe or is not being cared for properly while he is in the care of your ex, maybe you need to keep him with you until you feel he is able to look after himself. You could write a letter to your ex, or if you think it needs to become more official, it would be worth contacting a solicitor.
I know that your last message said you were having a bad day, I hope today is better and you are feeling back in control again??
Thank you Anna. Yes-I am feeling a bit more in control now. It seems refusing to answer the phone to my ex and ignoring his messages made him realise I really did need some space. Although, he still thought he would advise me on a better way to deal with things such as "stand your ground" and "fight your corner". My response to that was "I'm an adult and if I don't like the way you speak to me then I WILL put the phone down - always!" I also pointed out that i didn't think we had any issues to discuss so I didn't need to "fight" my corner!
Anyway - things are a bit calmer between us and we have agreed to have a discussion once a month to discuss anything to do with our son. A kind of update I suppose.
My ex is now being a pain about holiday time and I am still suspicious that he might try to fix any problems he feels my son has if he has him for too long.
The history of harrassment is with a previous relationship. He had a child and was fighting for access. He doesn't see the child at all. He was accused of sitting in the car outside her home. He denied this but he is a compulsive liar (honestly).
I think my only concern is my son's self-esteem being damaged by this need for him to be doing certain things in order to be a 'big boy', and careless things (such as the child lock on the car and leaving him in the car to go into a shop).
I don't know what would happen if I decided to break contact for a while and I don't know where I stand as he also has parental responsibility (what a joke).
My other problem is making sure things are consistent for my son. He has had lots of changes in his life and various people who he has seen quite a lot and then not so much. Its very hard. I can't control other people and make them realise the effect they have on my little man's life.
I am up and down and thinking of the future a lot and feeling very alone....but I'm ok.
thanks again
Hi marie1970
You have to trust your instincts here. I know we often think that we may be being overprotective, but these are our children we are talking about.
It is very hard for ANYONE to hand over their most favourite 'prize' possession to someone that they don't 100% trust to look after it.
I think you have mentioned that he doesn't always want to go to his dads? If that is because of the loo thing then, perhaps you could say that while he is in this phase of toilet training, you have been advised to keep him stable and settled. But if his dad wants to take him out for a couple of hours to the park, that would be great. If his dad is not accommodating then maybe visiting the solicitor is the way forward.
You mention car safety issues, do you have any other safety issues?
Anna, belatedly, yes the solicitor might be helpful. It's taken a while to write any more because I have had ongoing problems with my ex. Not so much safety issues (though speeding was always a factor in me not wanting him to take my son away in his car) but lately the bottom wiping thing has got worse. He left him on the toilet and told him if he didn't wipe his bottom he would leave him there and go to walk 'Auntie's' dog without him. I decided to start a reward chart to encourage him to wipe his bottom just by getting him to use a wet wipe after I have removed all poo first and he freaked out, really upset. He is now worried about getting poo on his hand and he has a real aversion to the whole thing. He didn't have that before...it wasn't a major issue. I have now got him virtually going on his own to the toilet for wees at home (he always does at school) and was ready to tackle his bottom wiping. I don't want him holding onto it at Daddy's again and making himself unwell.
The last 3 times he has said he doesn't want to go to his Daddy's. The first one he wasn't made to go and I found out about him being left on the toilet. The second time I had made his Dad promise he would help him wipe his bottom and I would let him know when he was doing it himself. He still said he didn't want to go and turned out his Step-Granny was giving him a hard time about things but when I sorted it with his Dad and said I would ring to check on him he said he wanted to go. This last time his Dad had accepted a gig playing in his band for an hour plus set-up time (which he later pretended there was no set-up time and was only 1 hour) and was leaving my son with his girlfriend while he did the gig. The reason he has him every Sunday is so he can be consistant whereas he was always arranging around gigs so we agreed no gigs on a Sunday but the main issue was my son didn't feel happy staying with his girlfriend as he said he didn't know her well enough and he wasn't fussed about watching his Dad play - obviously cancelling the gig is never an option! I talked to him every which way but he didn't want to go and was really worried about it. I decided to cancel my plans and keep him with me for the day.
We've just had a row on the phone because he says I should have persuaded him to go and has given me a load of ridiculous lectures and he has no idea what I have done for my boy. His rants are always based on assumption and old facts.
He says my Mum is here helping me with my son and I had to laugh and look under the sofa (joking) and that I show her no gratitude. She helped me a lot in the past and I've always been grateful but I am doing it all alone these days. My mum has my son on a saturday night to give me a break but thats all. I said I can't even take my mum out anywhere as I have no babysitter. He said take him with you he'd enjoy it (missing the point that we always have him with us) obviously unclear the place i wanted to take her was the theatre to see Sweeney Todd!!
I may have to add more later as it's been a long day and I have a huge spider to chase (adding to my anxiety).
Also - there was an incident where my son cried during a game of hide and seek at my exes girlfriend's house and my ex wanted me to tell him why that happened??????????? The stress is getting worse because my son is hard work and demanding at the moment too!.....and I have a spider phobia!
I am sorry to hear things are so hard, you sound very agitated. You said you would add some more later, plesase do if it helps, and I will be along again later to see how you are
Hi again
I know you have not posted again but reading back over the history of the thread, you and your son's dad originally had an agreement to have a civilised discussion once a month and this seems to have gone by the wayside. How about using Mediation now?
Hi Marie1970
I think you need to go back to your sons paediatrician and also go to a solicitors. Obviously your son does not feel happy about visiting his father. Something is going on for him and he is learning unhealthy beliefs about going to the loo.
He needs to feel safe, secure and loved regardless of any difficulties or problems he is facing. Your ex's behaviour is stressing you out, which has a knock on effect on your son.
Did you contact ERIC? They have a daytime helpline number - 0845 370 8008 you can call.
I hope you managed to sort the spider... I hate them! I always had a pint glass and a stiff card though, as I didn't want to pass my fear onto my lot. (Daughter's terrified though...)
When he's commenting about things that happen in your life, are you able to skirt around it? As it really isn't his business now. Whether he thinks your Mum is helping you or not isn't anything to do with him. I do appreciate how hard it is when you can't go out though, although my lot are now older and I do have more freedom (just no one to go out with...).
None of this is easy, I know, and it is so easy to get involved in a discussion that will escalate.
I actually spoke to my ex twice last week to make arrangements (first time I've spoken to him in about four years and three months!) and even when he asked how I was, I didn't answer... It's none of his business at the end of the day.
I haven't had much time to add to this but just wanted to ask if anyone knows where I stand if I did try to stop contact until issues are resolved. Also unclear why my ex keeps saying he's a parent 50/50 as in rights?? He has PR but our son is not a possession and he acts as though he is the inspector of parenting telling me how he wants it to be done. I think the day to day parenting is down to me based on the fact that I'm the one doing it. He has twisted past circumstances as well but thats to be expected for the benefit of his girlfriend and all his family to make him look better. I don't see what he can do if I decided not to persuade my son to go to a gig with him and be 'babysat' by his girlfriend if my son is not ready for that.
I'm also unclear as to what child maintenance covers and when I should be asking if he might contribute more (I know he only has to pay 15% of his supposed earnings according to CM rules although we have a private verbal agreement).
I am starting to get concerned due to all the lies he has come out with (about me and to me.....which is weird) He must have delusions of psychic ability also. The concern is that he might have custody ideas. If he had to give up his job and band to look after my son he wouldn't be keen but he has fantasies about how the future will pan out and may visualise his girlfriend playing mum.
I don't think he would stand a chance but what a nightmare if he tried.
He's said about us talking once a month but in light of the things he has accused me of (all basic bad parenting stuff but based on fantasy) I'm not sure that I need to talk to him about anything. If my son has a problem he will usually tell me and his Granny about it.
I so wish I didn't have to compile everything and go to a solicitor but feel the time is right for some advice at least. I just wish I could stop feeling angry at things that he has said. I didn't prepare my son for school!!!! The boy was in pull-ups at nursery (had selective mutism problem) and sorted before he started school. Could do everything he needed to except wiping his bottom! He wasn't mastering the knife and fork and my ex kicked off about it 3 weeks before school started. It was funny because he was going to be having packed lunch as the school didn't do dinners then! He then demanded to teach him....told me he'd taught him in 3 days and I was then faced with teaching how to use a knife and fork other that the way Daddy had taught him (fork as a spoon in right hand....no knife cutting). I would rather he hadn't enforced that. Now they have school dinners and I have no idea how he uses his cutlery. At this time my ex was always bringing my son back with wet pants (the only time he was wet).
Ok - I started to waffle....sorry....I guess I need a blog to cover everything!
Night :)
Has anyone else found that if you're trying to teach something to your child it is so easy to make them against learning (if that makes sense).
My son will not wipe his bottom (to the extreme) and refuses to use a knife so no amount of planning and strategy will work now. My reward charts were always so effective but have no power when the damage is done.
Marie1970
Your poor little chap! he is feeling under so much pressure to "get these things right". I am sure you are correct, so mcuh fuss has been made about these issues by his dad that they have been blown out of all proportion. Can you just totally ignore these matters for a while, until things settle down? the cutlery thing, well he won't starve and as for bottom wiping, just calmly do it yourself if he is with you, and just say in a matter of fact way "it's a good idea to do this so your bottom won't get sore" Perhaps don't mention the fact that it would also dirty his pants, as it is better for him not to be getting a complex about being "dirty". When he gets home from school. he can change into "playclothes" and you can include pants in this and just do his bottom with a wet wipe, quickly and with NO FUSS if there is some poo in evidence, and a little dab of nappy rash type cream should sort out any impending soreness.
Practical matters: 15% is the standard amount of child support and this only reduces if the parent with day to day care has other children, is unemployed or has care of the child at least 104 nights per year (2 per week) as I understand it. You won't get any more than that unless it is given voluntarily.Parental responsibility is just that, a responsibility not a RIGHT. If your boy's dad is so convinced you are doing it wrong, tell him to consult a professional such as a Health Visitor to talk things over. Explain to him that constant hectoring is not helpful to your son.
OK so you are going to a solicitor. Good plan. Of course if there is eventually a court case then CAFCASS will get involved. These are the court family officers and they interview everyone concerned. There is the distinct possibility that the other parent will tell his tales to them. You need to present as calm, strong and "What's all the fuss about?" so that they see for themselves that he is making things worse. There is only likely to be a court case, however, if he decides to take legal action because you have prevented parenting time for him. It may be that a solicitor being involved on your behalf will resolve things and he will agree to mediation but if you feel strongly that his involvement is stressing your boy out then it might be a plan to stop contact just for a few weeks, see what the solicitor suggests though.
Hi Marie1970, feel free to waffle! 
Louise has been really clear on all the matters you mentioned, I just wanted to add, it sounds as though your son is definitely picking up issues with the way his father is parenting him. It is your job as his mother to protect his mental health the best way you know how.
I stopped my daughters father having contact, I went to a solicitor and she wrote the letter. If he accepts it then fine, if he doesn't (and it sounds as though he won't) then he will have to take you to court and you will all go through the process as described by Louise above.
It sounds like your son needs a break from bottom wiping, eating properly, being pulled up on these things, he needs to know he is fine, just the way he is and once things have settled down, then is the time to start working on them.
So Marie1970 when are you going to the solicitors?
My fifteen year old had issues with the personal cleanliness (and still does, but he does have a few issues). What helped here was buying the wet toilet wipes - although they all know no more than two per flush...
Just in case that helps.
Yes, my boys used them too. Good point about two per flush! 
Thanks again for all the advice. I have used the wet wipes for a long time but my son won't even try with those. I said he could do it after a bath even if he hadn't done a poo (just to practice) and he even refused this. It's not a simple case of him not wanting to. He has never had issue with it because I never allowed it to be an issue. I tend to deal with one thing at a time and take it slowly. We've been 'behind' for a while now anyway and I haven't felt any great need to catch up but to tackle each thing step by step. I don't see some of these as attached to a certain age as many are different. Not so much 'ages' as 'stages'. I say he might be at the age but is he at the stage?? Now, however, the heels are well and truly dug in!
I had a horrible conversation with my ex and have been very stressed. My son had a nice time with daddy at the weekend and daddy wiped his bottom but apparently said it would be the last time. He now says he doesn't want to go again so I have another stressy week.
Hello Marie
I think you have noticed that your stress can transfer itself to your boy, and so the upset that he is experiencing from his dad can be made worse by your own stress. You also know in yourself that the answer is to take the pressure off entirely. I agee about milestones. My youngest was "behind" with everything and he is currently a happy, healthy young man at college and with a good collection of GCSEs
I don't know what else to suggest. I can sense you are feeling stopping contact with his dad is on the cards now?
I think my boy just needs to be given a break. He has just experienced his first summer hols and I finally got my ex to take time off to see him extra and he had this motive to 'fix' problems with him and spend most of the extra time with his current girlfriend. For some reason he had not been taking my son to see his girlfriend for a long time so its probably like starting again. Then this idea to toughen him up! Throughout the summer my son has been on/off wanting to go and not wanting to go. It's clearly the girlfriend's influence and complaint about my son being a little 'behind' in some things. If they've had problems with him it won't be anything different to what i went through with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago (only I didn't blame my ex for that).
I have to come back on here and do some background which could explain some of the problems my so has such as the strange set-up we had after we split which I think could have affected my son.
After a visit to his Dad recently my son came back tired despite his Dad saying he had had 'plenty' of sleep (he is of the idea it doesn't matter if its the holidays but at my boy's age it does). I then took him to speech therapy where the therapist said he didn't seem his usual self and was in a bit of a dream - definately tired. Spech therapy is important!! We have been waiting for some more sessions and had these book for summer hols. He could have wrecked it with all of this stress.
I definately think my Ex has ruined my son's summer hols with this at a time when his best friend was in Poland and other friend busy with family until my son had chicken pox. For him to have to experience enough unpleasantness to not want to go to his Dad although I could tell he was missing him (how confusing for him).
He definately ruined my summer hols with my son. We did some of the things we planned but it has come to an end with my son and I both being stressed and my son being moody and irritable and having almighty tantrums. He has also been scared I'll leave him and giving me presents so I won't be sad.
I now have cellulitus/tis? from an infected cut (shaving) on my ankle so thats nice (lol).
Wish me luck if I have to tell my ex my son's not going to him this weekend and I'll have to march off to the solicitor next week when he's back at school as its impossible to so much as go to the loo at the moment.
Take care, Marie 1970 and hope that you are getting some good treatment for your cellulitis as this can be quite serious
That doesn't sound good. I do hope you recover quickly.
I don't know how this can happen! Before the summer holidays I was feeling so good about how well my son was doing with going to school. He was coming out and calling 'hello' to various children and they were smiling and saying 'hello' back. He was happy to go to school. He had a friend who we had visited at home and a friend from his old nursery school who we had 'play dates' with regularly and also saw at swimming lessons...he was happily going to swimming lessons. I was thinking about getting him a bigger bike and getting him riding more so he might decide for himself later he might want the stabilizers off. He was happily going to his Dad's every Sunday and things were ok. I wasn't in a state of bliss as had a lot to sort out in life but I didn't have major stress.
Now all is different.
My son has no proper friend at school as he has been rejected and has been trying to please the child he was friends with by doing what's expected (only things like bring a car in tomorrow and you can play with me).
His old nursery school friend was away for most of the summer and now seems to have lost interest as well. My son seems to scream the world down if he hurts himself (never used to) and I'm not sure this goes down well with the other boys and he can be shy on 'play dates' taking a while to warm to the child in a new environment outside school. He's not as boyishly tough as the others but they do have Dad's around and some have brothers. He doesn't want to ride his old bike or get a new bike or have a bike at all since his Dad took the stabilizers off before he was ready and then got him a bike which is too big and has no stabilizers.
He doesn't want to go to Daddy's in case he ends up at his girlfriend's house or Granny P's as he has had trouble in both places.(His Dad says he should have to put up with it as things are not always as you want them in life).
Every weekend I have to wait for the 'i don't want to go to Daddy's' and my Mum has him for the handover so has to deal with it.
My son went to 2 parties and didn't want to join in (but did want to go if he could just watch).
He has needed some strong persuasion to go to swimming lessons for the last couple of weeks and is scared that I will leave him when he is in the pool (I watch through glass with the other parents). He was doing really well before the summer but has gone completely back to pushing his head up in the air so his ears don't go in.
He is getting over some of his recent seperation anxiety but now has taken to being really rude to me and not doing what I ask him and always arguing with me. Thankfully he has started behaving better for my Mum but seems to save it for me.
I am so worried about him being too soft. Being the only boy in his year to not ride a scooter or bike and not fitting in with the others.
I didn't have these anxieties so badly before the summer and all the problems with his Dad. The school nurse helped by having a meeting with me and my ex.
I was allowed to lead the way on bottom wiping and am thankfully nearly there. He has since wiped his bottom at school and practiced (after poo removal) wiping at home with one half wipe for real!
How can I get his confidence up when if I took him to an activity he wouldn't join in. Couldn't even get him to go on trampolines or bouncy castles with any other children around. (He did last year)!
Sorry it is long - I think its inner torment coming out.
hi marie i think you are not being soft at all you are being a mom and trying to protect your son likewsie we all do . my ex took my youngest sons stabilizers off before he was ready and as thrown them away so i cant even get them back on . said he can do it . but this was before we split , he took him to asda carpark one sunday afternoon and took them off . my son didnt even know he was ok with that and then this year we was given another bike bigger one and he as not taken too good to it . when he left us he took them on a bike ride and he fall off since then he really doesnt like his bike . my ex brought him back after he fall off told him he was just being stupid and threw it in the garden so it all knocks them back .
when things in the kids lives change its a big deal for them to get their heads around and the ex's seem to think that kids will be ok they have to adjust and get on with it . its us that see the bigger picture .
you are being a super mom and just reasure him and loads of hugs . have you asked why he doesnt want to go to see his dad?
Hi Marie 1970
it is quite common for ground that was gained, to seem to be lost again over the long summer holidays...this can feel very frustrating for us parents!
Your son is still a small child. The thing about being "too soft", I feel convinced that his dad has put that into your head. Just keep plodding on with what you are doing. My son did not learn to ride a bike properly until he was 12, and he is now 17, built like a barn door, goes boxing and is a real "tough guy" It sounds as if your son feels a degree of insecurity, tries to please people (dad, his friend at school) and wonders why he is not quite cutting the mustard.
As Shaz says, loads of reassurance and hugs......and at the same time firm boundaries. Being rude to you is not acceptable, and maybe he needs to have explained what is and isn't ok. Have a look at this article.
How are you feeling today?
Hi Marie1970, my heart goes out to you. You are dealing with all this on your own and our children insecurities become huge, when we have no one to share it with.
Firstly I want you to take a step back. Our children feed off our emotions. It sounds as though you really feel he is missing out on having a father figure in his life. Whilst he is young and it would be a bonus, it is not a necessity. What he needs is love, acceptance and consistency, which is what you are giving him.
It sounds as though a lot of his fears stem from his father, however, he needs you to be strong and firm. He needs to know that you are in control of the situation.
Do you ever spend quality time just playing with him? Sometimes we spend our whole day around our children, but very little time WITH them. He is fighting against you because he needs to learn that you aren't going to treat him unfairly or fight back.
You are doing a great job, you need to really believe that. Is there another activity that your son could try? He needs to find something that gives him confidence in himself and feels proud of.
Thanks for the responses. I have to remember that my boy has a deep inner strength and plenty of things that his Dad doesn't give him credit for. I keep my boyfriend at arms length because I'm not sure of his ability to commit in all honesty. My son is very fond of my b/f and my b/f takes an interest and seems fond of him too but is too wrapped up in his own problems to be anything more (in my opinion at the moment).
My ex has said my son should see more of my b/f. Damn cheek! Says it's been 2 years now so..... Thats how bad he is at knowing where the mark is!
My son has behaving strangely since the weekend and says "I don't want to talk about it". I don't usually bring it up but was concerned. I have backed off for now but am concerned that his Dad has told him he shouldn't talk to Mummy about it. He could say anything to him and I wouldn't put it past him. Funny he said to my Mum the week before last "I don't know what she's been putting into his head but he was alright last week" - meaning me! I hadn't said a word to my son all week and it's only thanks to me that he has seen his son for the last couple of months!
I think I will find something else for my son to get involved in and try and take him to the park after school. I do try to play with him for at least half an hour each day ( not easy with homework, speech therapy practice, tea bath etc). If I'm ok it's easy. When I have a lot on my mind I can find it hard to switch off if its things that have to be dealt with and can't be put aside. Sometimes I feel like he throws it back in my face though when he is rude.
This morning my son took his plate into the kitchen and got himself ready for school and took all the stickers off the television (which i had told him off for earlier). I was so pleased that I gave him the hotwheels car I had bought him the day before as a little instant reward. He was chuffed as he takes small things to school for playtime.
I'm taking him to one of his classmates house tonight for tea as we want to discuss a joint party for their birthdays. He's not close friends with him but he didn't object when I told him we were going. Fingers crossed it goes ok as he's a bit more positive at school and playing with a variety of children.
My son's Dad says we are the adults and they have to do as they are told but I don't know how he gets self-esteem from that. There are certain things that applies to but if my son doesn't want to go see his Dad (who he loves) then there must be a good reason and I will always give him the benefit of the doubt. All I want from his Dad is to let us know his plans so I can talk it through with my son beforehand and not leave it to the day when he is at my Mum's and it always ends up in a discussion and him trying to persuade my son by saying "you have to trust me". No good if he doesn't.
Thanks again for comments. I'm ok. Just fed up with my ex making things difficult.
Thanks for the responses. I have to remember that my boy has a deep inner strength and plenty of things that his Dad doesn't give him credit for. I keep my boyfriend at arms length because I'm not sure of his ability to commit in all honesty. My son is very fond of my b/f and my b/f takes an interest and seems fond of him too but is too wrapped up in his own problems to be anything more (in my opinion at the moment).
My ex has said my son should see more of my b/f. Damn cheek! Says it's been 2 years now so..... Thats how bad he is at knowing where the mark is!
My son has behaving strangely since the weekend and says "I don't want to talk about it". I don't usually bring it up but was concerned. I have backed off for now but am concerned that his Dad has told him he shouldn't talk to Mummy about it. He could say anything to him and I wouldn't put it past him. Funny he said to my Mum the week before last "I don't know what she's been putting into his head but he was alright last week" - meaning me! I hadn't said a word to my son all week and it's only thanks to me that he has seen his son for the last couple of months!
I think I will find something else for my son to get involved in and try and take him to the park after school. I do try to play with him for at least half an hour each day ( not easy with homework, speech therapy practice, tea bath etc). If I'm ok it's easy. When I have a lot on my mind I can find it hard to switch off if its things that have to be dealt with and can't be put aside. Sometimes I feel like he throws it back in my face though when he is rude.
This morning my son took his plate into the kitchen and got himself ready for school and took all the stickers off the television (which i had told him off for earlier). I was so pleased that I gave him the hotwheels car I had bought him the day before as a little instant reward. He was chuffed as he takes small things to school for playtime.
I'm taking him to one of his classmates house tonight for tea as we want to discuss a joint party for their birthdays. He's not close friends with him but he didn't object when I told him we were going. Fingers crossed it goes ok as he's a bit more positive at school and playing with a variety of children.
My son's Dad says we are the adults and they have to do as they are told but I don't know how he gets self-esteem from that. There are certain things that applies to but if my son doesn't want to go see his Dad (who he loves) then there must be a good reason and I will always give him the benefit of the doubt. All I want from his Dad is to let us know his plans so I can talk it through with my son beforehand and not leave it to the day when he is at my Mum's and it always ends up in a discussion and him trying to persuade my son by saying "you have to trust me". No good if he doesn't.
Thanks again for comments. I'm ok. Just fed up with my ex making things difficult.
Sorry to continue but just had a thought. I had a disagreement with my ex because he has referred tio his girlfriend as his partner like my b/f is my partner and I don't use that term. Not that I don't realise its just a different word but I don't think it's something my son would understand. I joked that I'm not in business with my b/f. It might be different if we lived together. My son knows my b/f as my friend and we show a small amount of closeness these days so he knows its a male female thing but I try to keep things so that he can understand. My question is to do with the possibility that my ex may live with his g/f in the next 2 or 3 years (he has taken out a loan to do an electrician course as his job is iffy so will not move out of his Dad's and have his own place to take my son in the next 2 years - but thats another story).Anyway - I said that with everything going on I didn't think my son needed to have to think about that or would really understand the 2 or 3 year thing as he's only just getting the hang of days of the week. My ex said "why not? why protect him from it or hide it from him?" To me it jusyt gives him more to worry about. Not only doesn't he want to go to my exex g/f house (partly due to the way things have been handled and her teenage son) but the thought that his Dad might live there and he'd have to go there all the time might be more than he needs to deal with right now. My ex wants him to develop a relationship with his g/f but I think he needs to work on HIS relationship with him first and get him back to wanting to go.
Am I wrong??
Sorry to continue but just had a thought. I had a disagreement with my ex because he has referred tio his girlfriend as his partner like my b/f is my partner and I don't use that term. Not that I don't realise its just a different word but I don't think it's something my son would understand. I joked that I'm not in business with my b/f. It might be different if we lived together. My son knows my b/f as my friend and we show a small amount of closeness these days so he knows its a male female thing but I try to keep things so that he can understand. My question is to do with the possibility that my ex may live with his g/f in the next 2 or 3 years (he has taken out a loan to do an electrician course as his job is iffy so will not move out of his Dad's and have his own place to take my son in the next 2 years - but thats another story).Anyway - I said that with everything going on I didn't think my son needed to have to think about that or would really understand the 2 or 3 year thing as he's only just getting the hang of days of the week. My ex said "why not? why protect him from it or hide it from him?" To me it jusyt gives him more to worry about. Not only doesn't he want to go to my exex g/f house (partly due to the way things have been handled and her teenage son) but the thought that his Dad might live there and he'd have to go there all the time might be more than he needs to deal with right now. My ex wants him to develop a relationship with his g/f but I think he needs to work on HIS relationship with him first and get him back to wanting to go.
Am I wrong??
Dammit - doesn't help when the school nurse is patronizing...lol
There is no way that a small child has any concept of what 2 years hence may look like.....he just lives from day to day and only big events like Christmas are approached from even weeks away.
Anna was suggesting that you take a step back in terms of emotions. I am going to add that you could also take a step back from your ex, you are allowing yourself to listen to the things he says and speculate about his actions etc...this indicates you are still emotionally "connected" with him....it is important to disconnect and to spend your time and energy on yourself and your child. By continuing to give him all this headspace, you are only hurting yourself.If you are finding it hard to make this disconnection then think about having a few sessions with a counsellor to talk things through.
Hi Louise
Thanks. I would love to not need the headspace for my ex, it is just that he has been causing problems with my son. Bedfore the summer it was just the odd dig about the way I am bringing him up (some of which is pure imagination). From week to week I don't know if my son is going to say he doesn't want to go to his Dad and as he stays with my mum on a saturday night and his Dad picks him up from there it is a worry. My ex will tell my son off for not wanting to go and my mum will stick up for my son. My mum has health problems and the discussion has been known to last more than an hour. The school nurse is too neutral. I need some support. I kind of decided enough is enough. If it can't be sorted out before pick up and my son doesn't want to go this week my mum will keep him there. We have an appointment with the school nurse and I will go to c.a.b for legal advice or try again to get a solicitors appointment. It has too much of a negative effect on all involved and it shouldn't be this way.
Trouble is people don't know my ex well enough to judge and I need someone to be on my side. I have done so much to help my son through difficult times and my ex thanked his teacher and asked her to thank the school nurse who actually has never met my son.
I'm proud of my son and wish he had the same credit from his father.
what you need is some one who is understanding, and caring. who would do anything for you and i mean anything. sometimes you are lucky to find that person other times you are not so lucky. but you have to pick the pieces and remould. you have to get up when you fall. you have to love again after hate. the circle continues.
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Hi Marie1970, how are things going? How did the tea go with your son's friend? Are you planning the joint birthday still?
You say that the trouble is that no-one knows your ex well enough to judge him and need someone on your side. Unfortunately this is often the case and as a lone parent, we have to keep battling on on our own. Trust your own instincts, no-one will know your ex like you do.
Hi Marie1970
No child is textbook!!!!
Firstly you are clearly tackling the toilet training problem. Some children take longer than others, that's all. One thing I found helpful when training my boys to wipe their own bottoms was those wet toilet wipes, this means that their bottoms did not get sore even if they were a bit heavy handed when they wiped themselves. You could say to his dad that the health visitor has said to use them and send a small travel pack when he goes to his dad's. However, if his dad is getting cross about the toilet business, the last thing your boy needs is to end up with a complex about the loo, so it might be best if he does not see his dad just for a short while, until this is resolved. You also need to think about your son in terms of safety, for example you mentioned the child lock being taken off the car. Is your son safe without this?
Having said all that, in general terms I am sure you would like to facilitate contact between your son and his dad once things have settled down. The dad is clearly not appreciating that your son needs some routine with the contact. Sadly you cannot force the dad to have parenting time but maybe this could be encouraged by you sending him a list of school terms/holidays and saying "and when will you be having L?"
However, it seems you are worried about what he may do to hassle you and this is a different matter. Write down your concerns, with dates and incidents and keep an exercise book of these, as you may end up with a solicitor. In the meantime if you get a lot of hassle you could suggest to your boy's father that you could go to Family Mediation to discuss things with a neutral third party present.
Keep going with the toilet business, sounds as if you are doing well