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hi
just came across this site and wishing i had found it sooner. this weekend my young son is with his dad, as much as i know he will be fine my stomach is tied in knots and i want my baby back!
my ex doesnt want a relationship with me but he expects me to still sleep with him and not meet anyone else. because i wont allow this to happen he has stopped 'helping me out' (which is what he calls putting maintenance into my bank account).
i asked if he could just text once each day to let me know baby is ok, purposely he hasnt. he is capable of getting nasty where i am not but the more he behaves in this way the more it makes me want to make it difficult for him to see my son.
i know if i raise any of these issues when he returns our son he will just start saying im creating conflict
fed up of having to deal with this constant roller coaster!!!!
Hi there,
I think contacting the CSA could be useful - I've never had dealings with them but it seems to work better for some than others. Best way to get things above board though.
It sounds to me like he's creating conflict by placing extremely unreasonable demands on you (i.e. that you continue to have sex with him and don't meet anyone else) and HE should take responsibility for that, not you!!!
My ex never played that game, but he's done a good job of keeping me where he wants me (compliant and under his control) from a distance for the past 4 years and it's only since I started standing up for myself and suggesting involvement from the authorities that I've really broken free. It may have also caused him to completely break off contact with our son, but it's too early to say. However it's his decision.
I guess what I'm saying is firstly, you are the only person who can set your boundaries (and get help enforcing them if necessary) and secondly, don't be afraid of getting some legal support. You need to be ok with whatever action a solicitor suggests you take so don't let them push you into anything, but getting some advice would perhaps empower you a bit. See if you can get legal aid or find a solicitor who could give you a reduced rate via a womens charity. I called social services and they put me in touch with a Domestic Violence support agency who found me a cheaper solicitor.
Good luck. xxxxx
Hello chase
Welcome to One Space. Your baby's dad has absolutely no excuse for behaving like this.
Email our Legal Expert (click) for some free legal advice
Contact the Child Support Agency regarding the money side of things.
It sounds like he has been very controlling with you. Have a look at our free online Freedom Programme as this can be of tremendous help.
How are you today? Are you due to get your little one back later?
thank you all for your advice and support, my boy is due back later today.
hazeleyes..he left me when i was pregnant as he didnt want to be a dad, his resentment towards me he says is because i didnt do what he wanted i.e. an abortion so he claims he never had a say. not sure how many times now i've explained i couldnt of got pregnant without him ! lol
amazingly my ex is a counsellor and works freelance so i dont see the csa as being very helpful.
thanks emma, you're right about boundaries, ur comments alone i found empowering, legal advice i still dont have the strength for.
going to register for the freedom programme today and see if it helps
Hi Chase,
Welcome, I am fairly new too and wished I'd found it earlier. There is so much support available for you here.
Deciding to set boundaries with your ex can be quite a scary thing, especially when it seems to make things worse initially. The maintenance your ex pays is not to 'help you out', it is what you are entitled to. The CSA should be able to help with that, it may also help you too as it will take you out of the equation so he can't use it to manipulate you anymore.
How old is your little one? Did you do something for yourself whilst he was away?
"amazingly my ex is a counsellor"
As in a therapist??? That's awful!!!! (so essentially trained on-the-job in the art of manipulation and now going native)? Jeez. Poor you. In your situation, I'd look to find my own therapist ASAP. Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when you're not used to doing it, but your behaviour/my behaviour is a great place to start.
How about: well, yes, I take responsibility for my decision about keeping the baby; not having sex with you any more; pursuing my entitlement to maintenance and you (he) have to take responsibility for your manipulative behaviour and decision to only partially take an interest in our child's life.
As regards your choice in having the baby, the law is clearly on your side. A woman's right to choose what happens to her body is fortunately protected (for now). So he can whine about it all he likes but there's not a lot he can do about it - especially since bubs is already here!
Basically, it sounds like he'll say whatever he has to to get you to "behave" yourself. The more of it you can shrug off as his crap (scuse me) the better. If it helps, when my ex has said: "you can't take responsibility" I read "I can't take responsibilty (because I'm scared of becoming a real person and accepting that I can't control you)"! When he says: "you are controlling" I read "I am controlling (but I know it's not ok so I'm projecting it on to you)".
You have every right to take control of your life and your situation and that of your child. HE can respond to this as he chooses (though if he starts to make threats for gods sake get the law involved) but if (as my ex seems to have done) HE decides that if he can't control you he won't have any involvement in his son's life then that is HIS decision and NOT your fault/responsibility or doing.
Hi chase and welcome from me 
Can I ask how old your baby is and how long he was away for?
Although your ex might find ways of slipping through the net with the CSA, it would be worth looking at their website, because once you begin to have more knowledge, feel stronger and more empowered, he will sense this and realise that you can't be pushed around so easily :)
Hi chase. Welcome along. I'm glad you've found this site too, as we can all offer you support and friendship. Just because you won't sleep with your ex, doesn't give him the right to stop your maintenance. Have you contacted CSA regarding the money? How old is your baby? I can understand how difficult it is, but try not to worry about him. Take comfort in knowing he is fine with his dad. How long have you been split from your ex? Do you work? How about support from family or friends?