ex wants 16 mth son to meet his girlfriend after 2 weeks!!

Hello skeblab

I totally agree with you that it is too soon to be introducing a new partner. Stability is indeed the keyword and a child the age of your son needs that predictability and "sameness" each time. Even if your son's dad had been with this other lady for a year, I would suggest that the main emphasis of parenting time should be between father and son with him gradually getting used to the new partner.

However, the bottom line is that unless you have evidence that this woman is not a fit carer (eg is violent or a substance misuser) then you have not got an absolute veto. There are two things you could consider. Firstly, you could write a letter to your son's father (keeping a copy) saying that you are concerned that he is involving a new partner so early in their relationship, and asking that he comes to mediation to discuss it and work out a way forward. Find a mediator here. If he says no, still keep the letter(s) as if there are court proceedings further down the line, this shows that you, at least, wanted to sort this out amicably. You could, of course, refuse contact but I would not recommend that if you can help it as it just means more conflict and the main thing is that your son can enjoy good conflict-free relationships with both parents, as long as he is safe to do so.

The second thing to consider (and I mean reflect upon, really) is the question of another woman involved with your son. I think this is VERY hard, especially when he is so little, and I would feel exactly the same. However, the fact remains that when your son is with his dad, other people WILL have to tend to him, he is small and needs a lot of care and what you would hope is that this is mainly from his dad and anyone else caring for him is a bonus, children need all the interested and caring adults in their lives that they can! All I am saying is that both you and your son will benefit if you can try to overcome these (natural) feelings of jealousy and worry.

It's hard to be a single parent. Some of us have no contact with the other parent and feel overburdened with all the care, whereas others of us have a co-parent who is more involved than we might like, or whose ways of "caring" do not match with our own. Have a look at this article for a bit of reassurance.

Oh Gosh! I understand your anxiety deeply. Although my situation is quite different because of the age of my son, (15) it is very worrying prospect whatever the age when a new partner is introduced so early. 

It is incredibly hard to separate your own emotions and the welfare of your child and all of the advice out there tells you to put your child first throughout divorce.  However, this is the one area where I feel that whichever way you choose to deal with the situation you may have to deal with difficult consequences for your child. If you allow them to meet and build a relationship so early it may not work out, and your child becomes confused.  If you try to stop it then there is likely to be anger and frustration between you and your ex or worse, lies.

In my situation, my son was introduced to the new lady at a family party as somebody he was interested in! He left me for somebody completely different 8 weeks beforehand (both from his school reunions). My poor son kept this information to himself for 3 months until I found out.  I was so cross that he was put into this situation I could not contain my anger towards my ex and after an email to put over my point of view failed, a rather heated argument ensued (not in my sons sight).  My ex clearly did not understand nor care about my opinion and then sat my son down for a heart to heart, which led to my son turning on me because his Dad considered that he was mature enough to deal with it whereas I was treating him as a child.  In otherwords, my concern for his welfare, completely backfired on me.  This method of gaining favour and influencing our son has continued to the point where my son has now (8 months later) started to idolise his Dad, who walked out of the door partially blaming our son for break up because of his behaviour.  I just don't get it!

As Anna says, unless you can get your ex to see your point of view, any introductions are out of your hands and the best that you can hope for is that she is a kind and caring lady.  If it doesn't last then your little one is not likely to remember for long and your ex might think twice next time.

hi all it is hard for us to come to terms when things like this happen . my first thought there is noway my kids are ever going to see his new bit ! but there will have to come a point when i know you have to or you cant move on.

my boys were taken to the park by their dad and he texted her to go over and see them this was 3 weeks before we were aware of his affair ! then when we were told he told the boys that they had a new step mom step sis and bro . to which her kids are way lot older than mine but now that i did go mad about as she is not their step mom but i was told i was stupid and he said he had not done anything wrong in doing this .

i do feel that the kids needs must be put first and if like skeblab he as moved on to someone else then till he is sure that this is going to last then i wouldnt like my sons to be introduced . they dont need any more unsettlement in their little lives .

with me my situation is different as he is unable to see them at the min but did ask a friend to see if he would bring thenm to him every now again and that is not on too they cant be turned on like taps . i have choosen to be as honest and open as i can be with my 2 boys to a point when it wont hurt them what my ex as done or doing still god it is hard as at the min mine dont want to ever see his new bit but i can see that changing if ex makes them . this is hard as i think i would feel sick knowing someone else having my boys how do you over come that feeling ? i had not thought of that one till this post !

merryberry hi my ex meet his new partner through facebook it too was a old school friend and they now have afew school meetings with other friends as she kept intouch with them more then he did . that is something he would do say that this is all my fault and he would try to turn the kids

Hi Louise

The relationship with my son is very up and down, but then again teenagers are like that anyway.  He is showing signs of filling the gap that Dad has left in trying to verbally push me around and I he has been using exactly the same terminology towards me as Dad did too.  He is pushing the boundaries over and over.  Again, I realise that this behaviour is normal in a teenage boy, but he seems to be taking advantage of the situation because he is now bigger and stronger than me. I have asked him why he feels that he can talk to me so rudely, but he wouldn't do it to his Dad, and his response was 'I'm not frightened of you!'

One of the biggest worries is the fact that he has started drinking.  We have always had a European approach to children drinking alcohol and allowed them all to have a glass of wine or beer with a family meal or celebration when other adults are around.  The idea is that because it is not out of bounds, it is not done behind our backs.  The problem is that with this come a green flag to be allowed to drink.  I am hoping it is short lived. I'm keeping my eye on it.