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hi there, ive been split from ex since last sept, things have been quite heated and on and off contact with children since april this year,
its now got to a point where he wants to inroduce his new partner, which im ok with, but he doesnt want to prepare children for this and just wants it to happen on xmas eve, which i have said no to as my children havent been prepared for this, hes not called me all names under sun,
and says im lying about daughter being ill today(shes had sickness bug) and he wanted a docs note to say why she wasnt attending school play today,
the matter of contact is going to go to court,
i only asked him to up his contact from 1.5 hours a week which is weds, and asked him to have them on a sunday for a couple of hours, but wont cos hes in sheffield with gf, am i being totallu unresonable for it to be a gradual introduction to his gf ????????????????
there 2 and 5, no they dont actually know he has gf if this makes sence.
i just dont see for an hour and hlaf a week that they really need to meet her as he only lives 10 mins away and she lives in sheffield,
no hes not really that much of a good dad, daughters birthday he took them to asda and didnt give them any tea, i had to feed them before they went cos otherwise i was ruining his plans.
I used to have to make sure my lot had tea before they went too.
Personally - and again this is just how I see things, and I'm not saying how you should do things at all, as things need to work for you too - is she going to be at his on Christmas eve? He's not taking them to Sheffield, is he? They're quite young and will probably see her as a friend of Daddy's.
In my case, The Git (as I like to call him, though never in front of the children 
) wouldn't believe me if I told him one of the children was ill. I remember him leaving my daughter in tears as she had flu and it was her big bro's birthday, saying that he had a fun time planned. He didn't even send cake back with her brothers, or ask how she was.
All stuff they've got used to over the years. He hasn't sent birthday cards for a few years now, and last year there was no Christmas present - which strangely the children don't even remember (which shows that there's little point spending a fortune on them!).
All the parent with care can do is deal with things, really.
All easy for me to say as I'm over 7 years down the road now.
Hi jenny18. Welcome along. I don't have any experience of this, as my son (9) doesn't see his 'father', so it's never been an issue. I guess if there's no reason why your ex shouldn't introduce the children to his new g/f, such as drug abuse etc, then there's not a lot you can do about it. I'm also guessing you yourself can explain to the children that their dad has a new friend, and he'd like you to meet her. At least they or rather more the 5 year old, is prepared for it.
Hello jenny18, welcome to One Space. No, you are not being unreasonable and he does only have them for a short time every week, as you say. His behaviour sounds like that of a defiant child. However, sparkling and hazeleyes are right, there is very little you can do about it. I think mentioning that daddy might have a new friend for them to see would be a good idea, but they are so small they won't see the significance of it anyway.....The best thing that you can do is to make sure you are giving the, extra cuddles and extra reassurances like I love you and mummy is always here and that sort of thing.
Unfortunately the things that "the other parent" does can exasperate us at times, and this is something you are going to have to learn to take in your stride as the years go on. Hopefully the court will set out contact times in a more concrete fashion 
i know theres not much i can do, but i would of prefered for them to have senn pics of her and have talked about her rather than just here she is, and on xmas eve too,
i mean hes said he will stop xmas presents been given to them if i wont let them meet her and stuff i just think its wrong and he thinks once theyve seen her then can spend every weekend at her house all weekend weather they wanna go or not and will make then stay?
im just worried for my 2 little people who spend all there time with me,
and hes scared my daughter on a bed time anyways by putting her on naughty step at 3am
That's ridiculous, jenny18. You need to mention these things as concerns when the court case goes through, an officer from an organisation called CAFCASS will interview everyone concerned.
iknow this is why im soooooo concerned about my little people, will confuse them all over xmas, ive been told by my legal team if he does introduce her then i can stop all contact including phone contact i know its not ideal but i dont know why he wont listen to me and my thoughts about our children, yesterday was daughter school play i txt him to say she wouldnt be there cos shes got sickness and runs, he didnt believe me and wanted me to take her to the doctor to confirm this, and said i would be paying for his time at work hed lost????
like i had done it on purpose which i hadnt as shes still ill today, poor little thing
You don't need to take her to the doctor for HIS benefit, only if you think SHE needs a doctor! try not to let him get to you like this and just keep things calm and loving for your children, that is all you can do for the time being, I don't see that stopping phone contact would help, personally
so are you saying if he takes children xmas eve and introduce gf its ok and i just deal with the upset after????
and let him then take them for full weekend to sheffield
In my case, the children were introduced by ex to new friend, and there was no upset. I had told the children that ex had a friend, and they could see it didn't worry me, so they were fine.
There was upset that followed around his girlfriends (mainly as he would cancel contact at the last minute), and yes, as I'm the parent with care I had to deal with it. I dealt with it all positively and the children seemed to be ok with explanations. Unfortunately as they live with me I had to deal with issues. In my case The Git has got away with loads - but what can I do? He's their Dad and they love him - which is also down to me...
Is he planning to take them away over the Christmas weekend?
And jenny18, you can say no and then leave it to the Courts to decide.
I'm only saying how things worked out with me, and how the children were ok with things. It really is your choice.
The first fiance lived across country - over 3 hours away - and the children were taken there without me being told. I knew it would happen (same as you know there's a pretty good chance their Dad will take them to Sheffield).
It was his time with the children so I had no say. The only thing I did tell him when he phoned to tell me he was there, that I'd wished I'd known as I'd have packed more clothes for the children and some nice clothes for Church. (I always packed a rucksack with their clothes for them, and they'd take cuddly toys too).
Its not easy. None of it is.
Hi again jenny18
I am now feeling a bit unclear about this. In your first post you said he only sees them for an hour and a half a week and now you are saying that he will be having them for full weekends at Sheffield? well surely he will only get them for the full weekend if that is what the court grants, so from what I understand, the only present issue is them meeting her on Christmas Eve? I was also wondering why you so sure that meeting her will upset them? I am guessing it will upset YOU, it is pretty horrid to think of our children meeting another partner but in truth there is little you can do to stop him introducing her eventually. Sorry but I have to be honest with you.
Hi jenny18
What a dilemma you are in, it sounds as though your ex is a bit of a bully and you are feeling manipulated. In these situations our thoughts and feelings are all over the place.
You are concerned that they are meeting the new gf without a discussion first
Your ex is undermining your ability to parent effectively by asking for a doctors note
Your ex is showing no respect for your wishes
I understand that you want your children to be safe and protected and have a lovely Christmas eve with their Dad but now he has put a spanner in the works by wanting the gf to be there.
When you are responsible 24/7 for 2 young children, you arrange your life so that you are in control of things, the bills, meals, shopping, bedtimes etc etc etc. It is hard to keep on top of things, but if we hold a tight rein, we can find our way. However when someone pops their head up and wants to do things differently to how you would like, there is a feeling of helplessness and I think that is what you are feeling.
Just talking about Xmas eve here, as others have said, your little ones won't be that bothered that dad has a new friend, as long as he gives them his attention. I am sure the new girlfriend will spoil them rotten, so they will be happy.
They only time children become unhappy in these situations are when they are neglected or ignored or punished unfairly. They are strong little people. In your last post you said that you would have to 'deal with the upset after'. What upset do you envisage?
Hello jenny18
I was wondering if you might feel happier if you met her first or even with the children? Is this possible ? Personally I wouldnt be happy with my children (2 and 5) spending time with someone I hadnt met (especially as you say that you are the one to deal with upset etc, and especially if they are to stay overnight) .. everyones different though ..
I think it is reasonable to request this as you are main carer and are responsible if anything goes wrong. PS him saying he will stop presents is dreadful emotional abuse.
Best wishes
Have a lovely Christmas x
Hi Jenny18, I'm just reading this after the event - how did it go in the end? Did your ex have the children on Christmas Eve? And did they meet his GF? Were they/ you ok afterwards?
I really felt for you - as I'm sure everyone here does - reading your posts, not least because your split was only a few months ago. I've been split from my ex for two and a half years, and he's only had a new girlfriend/ partner since March, so it's been a much slower process. Plus, there's only been one suggested meeting with our son and the new partner, now well over two months ago, but in the end it didn't happen, and no attempt since, not sure what happened there.
So yeah, there's very little we can control around the whole thing, unless the children are actually in danger - BUT I think you do have every right to be concerned about your kids going over to the new gf's, though mainly because of the behaviour of your ex - his threat of withholding presents is hardly going to make you feel confident that he's prioritising their emotional well-being!
I do wonder what goes through their heads at such a time, and I'm convinced it's a lot about their own desperation to 'make it right' as quickly as possible for their new relationship - which, again, isn't prioritising the children's welfare at all, rather the GF's feelings. And that can really hurt us - the knowledge that they're thinking of a new partner's feelings above our children's.
Anyway, a new year, a new phase - and, like my ex's new partner and my son, I guess yours will meet up before too long even if they haven't already. Personally I'm just hoping it'll mean that there's more of a chance my little lad will have an extra layer with him when he goes to the park!
Good luck Jennie,
Firecracker
hi all,
no he didnt see them over xmas, apart from normal weds 4.30 to 6pm, said he had know where to take them on xmas eve??????
we are going bk to mediation on 17th jan, and im going to ask that he ups his contact as hes told me hes jobless so im hoping he will have spare time to see his children, and eventually meet his gf, i dont think its fair to indroduce unless he sees them more first,
hes driving a wedge between him and the oldset child too as shes not wanted to visit daddys house even though ive tried my hardest to get her to go, i feel awful but its not me doing it, its him he makes no effort to pursuade her to go?
Hi jenny18, that is good that they didn't meet the girlfriend as you really didn't want them to.
We can only do so much when it comes to our children and their other parents relationship. We can support them to visit, but I am of the point of view that 'it is not my responsibility'.
It is their other parent's role to create the relationship that they will have in the future.
When you eldest doesnt want to go, do you insist and she has to go, or does she get to stay at home?
shes stayed at home once and i made her go last time even though it broke my heart she screamed and carried on all way to his house,
i did txt to see if she was ok but got no reply which upset me as i was worried for the full hour and half, as there is no trust with him,especially after he gave our son peanuts as his pudding last week and i didnt feel this was an apropriate pudding, but i got called ungrateful ????
Hi jenny18
How old are your children? Do they know that he has a girlfriend?
Is he a good dad on the whole?
It is a difficult one, as if the children are not in any danger it can be argued that its up to him what he does with the children in his time.
In what way do you want the children to be prepared?
My lot were introduced to three fiances (one at a time, may I add, and he did marry fiance Mark III) without any warning, and without any discussion with me. I have to say that I knew it would happen and it was something that I accepted and dealt with any issues the children had after.
This is just how things were with me. Load of time was cancelled though so he could get on with his new life...