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Hi All,
I am new to this so please bare with me.
My DS is six now and lets just say that for six years of his life his father (suffers with depression/daily cannabis use and other substances less frequently)has had inconsistant contact, cancelling at the last minute etc. I feel I have done everything I possibly can to facilitate contact as above all I wanted my DS to have contact with his father.
We have set up stuff, he has been reliable for a while and then slowly it declines into cancellations at the last minute to nothing at all and going awol for a time before coming back on the scene requesting another chance (usually blaming me for the reason why he went awol) (father has real issues with responsibility). The only thing I have been very strict on is I will not allow overnight access and initial access at his home because of his depression/drug use, and I have wanted him to do stuff that is interesting to DS instead of plonking him in front of the TV, I have always said that if he can show consistency for a prolonged period we can re-visit the set up and re-assess, but he has never managed to do the consistency thing...fast forward five years on and the final straw was a cancellation and a text confirming he no longer wanted to do visitations at all.
My DS being more aware, the cancellations etc from 4 on had a devastating effect on him, so following his dads text saying he'd had enough, I was of the mind that for years this individual had flitted in and out of DS's life, constantly letting him down and chosen his needs/wants over that of his DS.
I initially decided to see if there was anything I could do and spoke to a solicitor regarding mediation, but I became angry because after saying he'd had enough he suddenly changed his mind and started blaming me for the reasons behind his cancelling and saying he'd had enough. So rightly or wrongly I thought why am I once again instigating/faciliating and running around sorting stuff out, so I cancelled everything placing the ball firmly in the father's court. My thoughts on the matter were that it is time for him to get up of his preverbial and put himself out. We are nearly a year down the line and he has done nothing about it, which speaks volumes.
I have always told my DS that his father loves him very much, but is not well and is trying to get better so that he can see him again. Recently, my son now six has asked about his dad and whilst I re-affirm that DS has done nothing wrong and tried in a soft way to explain what letting someone down is and that his father need to get better by himself so that he can see him again without letting him down.
I really feel out of my depth in explaining this to DS so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I think he remembers his father as the really fun person who always gave him sweets and mummy as boring and I think DS is getting to an age where his father will be brought up when mummy says NO or has too discipline 
Hi
I think that children do remember the good times and quickly forget the let downs. I think that is fantastic that they're able to do that, as I think they're able to deal with things.
In my case, I feel its my daughter who has been the most forgiving as I feel she has possibly had harder knock backs with persisting with contact.
The Git (as I call my ex 
but never in front of the children) would leave cancelling the contact to so late in the day that the children had either already left (he lived within walking distance for a while) or once while I was parked outside his house waiting for him to get back.
This made the children incredibly angry and upset - which is understandable.
Eventually, my brother-in-law suggested changing contact to 24 hours notice. I never told the children they were seeing their father until ten minutes before they were due to go! i'd give them tea early and make sure they were ready - or at least I knew where their shoes were - so that they were never disappointed if he didn't turn up.
My youngest was five when we split up, but he has three siblings so hasn't gone through it alone.
The Git will happily blame me for everything. I have tried to be careful in the way things are explained so I'm not seen in conflict with him. I can see that you're doing this too.
The children understand that their father has chosen a new life (that's my way of pointing my finger at him) and they need to be happy that he is happy. His new life is busy, but when he does have free time they will see him. And I always tell them he loves them. My lot are getting on a bit now though, and the older two do tend to raise their eye brows when I say this, but get a glare from me, as I don't want them affecting the younger two children.
Personally, I don't think you need to say too much to your son as he is so young. With my lot, telling them their Dad was busy but loved them was answer enough. While the older ones can see that their father isn't doing enough, I have never said this to them. And what more can you do but leave the ball in your ex's court?
The Git and Gittess (he has remarried 
) have very little to do with them now. He moved almost 200 miles away to go to university. This has been far easier to deal with than him not seeing them when living in the same town. They were up at Christmas, and stayed with his Dad and Step-Mother for a couple of days where he weeped while his wife told them how devastated he is that his children don't phone.
Shame.
I'm sorry that this has turned into my own rant.
Enjoy your son. Fill the day with as much laughter as you can. Sadly, the discipline and expense is down to you and isn't shared - which is so tiring I know. You cannot change the man is father is, but your son will know he is loved unconditionally by you.
Hello threepeaks
Welcome to One Space, there is lots of support here and people to share their experiences. I hope it has helped you to know how sparkling lime's children have been through the years since their father went. Hazeleyes is right: you have done all the right things. I don't blame you for getting tired of trying. As the situation stands if you do not make any moves it is likely he would have to take a court action if he wanted to resume contact.
There is a book I can suggest you get, see here. It gives a very "mum-orientated, with absent dad" picture, and normally I would not suggest this as I believe it is important for children to have good contact time with both parents (and I know this is what you believ too as you have turned yourself inside out to try and achieve this) BUT this book does reflect very much what is going on for your son at the moment; the son is sad and learns to live just with his mum and then eventually the dad makes a new life and contact resumes. You could say to your son that it might be a long time till this happens for him, as dad is poorly but still loves him. Somehow when children see things in books it reassures them.
Hope this helps
threepeaks
It sounds as though you are doing all that you can at the moment, there is no right or wrong. He is your son and you are the one raising him, so although there are tough decisions to be made, you will make the right one.
Here is an article on How to talk to your child about an absent parent, it sounds as though a lot of your emotions are about how you feel about your ex, your frustrations etc, trust me, I have been there. However perhaps your son has learnt more about his dad through you rather than within their own relationship.
As Louise said, try and keep things short and sweet, your son doesn't need long explanations, although he does need the space to express himself. When my daughter was younger, distraction used to work wonders! We would have brief conversations and I would let her know certain facts then I would suggest we made cakes or go into the garden, it really worked!
Hello threepeaks. Welcome along to One Space. I think you have done everything by the book, given chance after chance, and always put your son first. Your explanation to him about his Father is also very fair, you haven't put him down, bad mouthed him in anyway, and your son will remember this too. Of course he is going to ask about his Dad, and again explaining how you have is good. It is something he can understand too. As he gets older, he will learn the truth, but he's got you constantly in his life, and it sounds like you're a great Mum. Please keep posting as others will be along at some point during today.
What plans have you today? Is your son back at school tomorrow or has he another week to go? Hope you've had a good Easter.