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Hello!
I just spent an hour typing out my life history, but you will be glad to hear I lost it all! :)
In a nutshell then, I am quite reasonable and pretty intelligent and - I still can't explain it, naivity on my part! - the father of my son is niether. At nearly 50, he and our 13 year old son spend most of their time together playing computer games. : Battlefield, Fear etc. (This is not a new thing, as it became apparent very soon after meeting him that computer games came high on his list of priorities.)
Anyway, a summary. Split with ex when my son was less than a year old. He is now 13. Things have been going great recently. Smoothly enough anyway.
Last night, however, after bedtime, it was discovered that my son had left himself logged on to Facebook.
I resisted the usual "frape" opportunty, as I'm trying to get him to stop doing it to me...BUT, curiousity got the better of me!
I know. TOTALLY bad idea. I was even saying it out loud as I moved the cursor to the 'messages' icon!
It wasn't the mostly girls sending him lovehearts, or the language his friends and he use that I was drawn to, but the messages between him and his dad.
On his return from a recent week away at his dads, his dad had asked him what it was like to be at "good old "home lol" and how it "must be really stuffy compared to life with us (his dad and his partner) two old nutters lol". On the subject of holidays at Christmas, when my son gave my ex the dates, my ex had said "your old enough and wise enough to know your own mind, she can't stop you from seeing me" and referring to me "...she is just an a***hole." NB. We have our son alternate Christmasses and it has worked for 13 years. Also, I have him for only a week of the fortnight over Christmas, allowing him a week at his dads too, when I do not see him for a fortnight over my exes Christmas. My son agreed with my exes reference to me.
Another message read "do you think she's worried that you might like it here?" with my son replying "probably:)". Another message read "any groundings lately?" with my son replying "only if mum finds out I was egging houses with Cai".
It's all "bud" this, and "bud" that. Having conversations about computer games. He trats hjim like a pal, a mate. And I;m just a fuddy duddy and the devil incarnate. I used to wonder how my ex slept at night, now it's me that can't sleep!
Hi Mildred welcome to one space, it sounds like your ex has a lot of growing up to do like taking the responsiblity of a parent not a friend, its great to be friends with your kids but there are boundries to be set, they cant just do what they want they are our responsibility after all.
A couple of weeks ago my 14 yr old son went to visit his nans (dads mum) for a few days, after which i found out that his dad called into see him and took him for a game of pool (hadnt seen his dad all year) at a pub that is known for its drugs, he had also bought him a shandy I went nuts and of course i looked like the bad guy, but i wasnt having my son thinking its ok to go to these places.
Hope you are ok just keep thinking that you are bringing up your son and its your rules that keep him on the straight and narrow. Others will be along soon to offer more advice. Take care x
Oh god, that looks like a bitch fest!
A bit of background?
There has been no hassle between my ex and I in 2 years...
We do not communicate. Only via text and as minimumly as possible.
It works.
My son and I moved away when he was 4. A travelling distance of 3 hours for his dad to collect him. I did this for me and my son. For a job. For a better life. I understood that he would take him only monthly now, instead of fortnightly, and I would meet him halfway when collecting/returning him.
When my son was 6, I asked his father if he could possibly contribute financially. He refused, stating that I had brought this on myself by wishing to be independent. I stopped driving the hour and a half journey to meet him halfway after that, as I couldn't justify the amount spent on fuel. My ex paid £5 a week through the CSA which didn't even cover the trip to meet him! And we both knew he had been in employment for some time by now... Things went along steadily enough, a couple of hiccoughs, but in hindsight it went along smoothly. (It did not feel like that at the time!)
When my son was 8, I got the chance of a better job, a further hour away from his dad. Not on purpose! It is the first place that has felt like home since I left home though! My son and I have made a life here, and both love it! (Or so I thought.)
So, when he was 8, and food costs money, and rent costs money, and clothes cost money, and he grows so quickly, and entertaining him costs money, and I feel guilty, and his dads paying £5 a week - he lavished him with stuff, then sent him home to damn near poverty, to me the person who looks after him the rest of the MONTH! I decided to ask for a contribution again, and after refusing access (he missed 3 visits) he eventually began paying £25 a week on top of CSA.
When he was 9, I asked his dad to raise it to £35. Not unreasonable I thought, since he'd paid bugger all in the first 8 years. He refused, and continued to lavish his son with integrated computer chairs and wide screen tvs etc. I approached a solicitor. She threatened him with the CSA. I texted him and said I was going to get in touch with the CSA. He replied that he had already approached them. Stupendous. He now pays £250 a month.
There has been no hassle between us in 2 years, WTF? Why is he doing this? I have never denied my son his father, or vice versa - just that once! And does my son secretly hate me, when he is such a giggle to be around and hugs me unprovokedly?! Argh.
Thanks guys, it's just brain bursting for me! Totally out the blue! Everything I did for my son this morning was touched with a slight bitterness - ironing his clothes, giving £10 for his weekly bus ticket, the £2 for his lunch, his back view as he left for school with a hurried goodbye and not a backwards glance!
A thankless job? It felt even less than that today!
Welcome to One Space Mildred 
I would imagine that you wished you had not looked know!! As the others have said i would not take what your son had said to heart.
Kids often agree with whatever either of the parents are saying, kids just want to keep both their parents happy!
As for where you go from here thats one for you to decide, if it were me i would have to confess and ask him about his facebook conversations with his dad (i tend to use the "honesty is the best policy" stratergy).
I would want to know if he was happy living with me, or if this is just a case of him trying to keep his dad happy, difficult questions to ask, but if i did not ask then i would just worry about it, and it would affect our relationship.
And yes being a parent is a thankless task, but every once in a while they will do or say something that makes it all worth while
Good luck with what ever you decide to do, keep us posted on your decision and how it works out.
....I do agree with what Sally has said, but would like to add that I expect his dad thinks he will curry favour with your boy by being "down with the kids" , maybe conscious that he is 50 and worried your boy will think he is a fuddy-duddy. Now, I would always recommend communicating with your child on their level, which may mean using different means especially if you are the parent without majority care, and do think that it is good for parents to learn how to use MSN, Twitter etc if they do not do so already.....and the things his dad is saying sound very much like "trying to be cool"....HOWEVER: calling you names such as a***hole is absolutely unacceptable and I would therefore tackle your boy about it, really to find out how he is feeling.
And don't forget, a. he is unlikely to openly disagree with his dad, he wants to stay on his dad's good side and b. he is just getting to the age where his main home parent will automatically be "Pants" anyway.....Part of your role as the parent of a teenager is to stay a bit old and stuffy (in their eyes), they actually hate it when parents try to be trendy 
Hi guys, thanks for your advice and support! It is so good to have the views of others - I have friends I can talk to, but none are in the same situation as me, or can even comprehend it, they either get on great with their ex or are an unbroken family!
I hear what your all saying, and actually, I am glad I looked in the end! It stung like hell, but I do believe I'm better knowing if there is a problem! Imagine floating along thinking everything was fine, if really he is feeling unhappy or uncomfortable?
After calming down from the initial shock, and trying to think sensibly - yesterday I was convinced he was going to pack his bags and head straight for his dads the minute I mention moving again (which is in the pipeline!). A job is coming up in 2 years, but this would mean relocating, further away again! I know it seems like a long time away, but he will be 15, coming 16 - a lovely age!!. This was my main worry when the opportunity arose. I can't put my son first when it is a benefit to the whole family though! *sigh
Anyway, on the present subject, I think what I am going to do is write my son a letter. That way, hopefully, we can avoid any clamming up, arguments, irrelevant tangents etc. I should be able to get my point across and let him know how it felt to read those things, especially the fact he didn't contradict his father on the a'hole comment. A little respect would not go a miss, from either of them. I will obviously give him the option of coming to speak to me, or replying by letter himself... I think there may be tears while I write it, but I shall have it proofed before giving it to him, to make sure I'm being reasonable and fair.
And yeah, I totally agree with the point of his dad trying to be cool. My son has him on a pedestal though! He adores him! He does not tell me this - I hear it from friends, parents, people he spends time with. He doesn't say much about his dad. I get the same reply on a return from his week away as I do on asking him how school was! How can I make him see how immature and stupid his dad is being? I haven't done anything to deserve being slated by him, his decisions are his own. Yeah, maybe he is worried about getting old, but I think he should speak a little better of me - he himself was part of a single-parent family. He adored his mother, and had no father figure at all! Is he overcompensating??
Hi Mildred, I think it is good that you are confronting the situation. Don't let any of those tears land on the letter though.
You son needs to know that you are strong and that you are unimpressed by his fathers behaviour and you would be very disappointed if your son would ever express that kind of behaviour towards the future mother of his children. It is just not acceptable and totally uncool. Speaking ill of someones parent used to mean a black eye, when I was growing up!
Personally I would want the conversation face to face, then you can show your disappointment and disapprovement, however you know your son best and I hope that you are able to get everything out on the table.
Do you get much of a chance to spend quality time together?
Thanks Anna, yeah, I do intend to speak to him face to face, but I really don't want it to end up in 'lecture mode', when he just shuts off and stares into the middle distance, nodding when required...
I think if we both put down on paper what our deal is, then we will have something to follow when we do sit down together.
I wrote his father a letter when my son was 10. He'd came home from Christmas with tales of watching horror movies (which, if it got too scary he would leave the room?!) and other totally inappropriate programmes - his discription of the female anatomy was pretty fruity after that holiday...
I even spoke to my solicitor. I was gobsmacked. I felt that all that should stay in the playground, not encouraged by a parent!!
I always believed he would instill in his son all the idiotic, filthy opinions he has, and felt that this was becoming reality!
Argh, the man took him driving at the age of 7. There were some pretty strong texts after that one!
I have tried so hard, and everyone I know has my son in high regard, saying he's a credit to me etc, I can't stand him unravelling it all.
Yes, we try to spend quality time together, which usually ends up us watching a dvd together with buckets of munchies! We always say we'll go the cinema when a film we both like comes out but he usually goes with his friends before we get the chance and I don't want him to sit through it again for my sake!
We walk the dog together, and I can even persuade him to come and help at the supermarket with me! He's not a bad kid at all, I know things could be so much worse...
Good luck with it all, Mildred
Hello Mildred. I agree with what others have said..It is hard for children to have to take sides, so I think they just tend to go along with the parent they are with or talking to at the time...One day when your Son is a parent hopefully he will realise all that you have done for him...but I do think that face to face is better as well discussing things..My H was the same with my daughter...he said he was going to buy her something 'and wouldn't that make him the coolest Dad?'...Yeah right...After a disagreement they had at her Birthday, she said that she thought he was acting very immature for a man of nearly 50...Do you know what his reply was?
"I'm only 47 actually"....No, that's right not immature at all....so I guess what I'm trying to say here is..you ex is just trying to look cool, in his very immature way..which of course a 16 year old can identify with in some ways...but in others realise just how uncool he really is...To be honest I think your Son is just humouring him...
Thanks guys! Yeah, I hope so. I can see the big picture, which I have since the day my son was born - it just gets a bit fuzzy when there's a bit of stress! - whereas 'he' uses my son as an excuse to act like a teenager! Does he think of his future, what kind of example he's setting?!
Anyway, haven't written the letter yet. Haven't had a chance and I'm too tired at night. Hopefully, next week, or over weekend... The time is definitely helping me to look at things from different angles, and calm down a bit (sometimes a bad thing as I can turn any situation around so that it is my fault!), but I still think I must tackle it soon! 'The Guilt' really is the worst part - what have I done wrong?! I know every Mum feels it!
I'll keep you updated - thanks so much for even taking the time to read my waffling! And the helpful comments really are a boost!
Well we are here to support each other as best we can, and we all get awful days as well...
Hi Mildred
You say that you don't want to end up in lecture mode with your son staring off into the distance.
I recently asked my daughter (17yrs) a question as I felt a discussion was needed. She answered as I expected and I launched into all the reasons I was asking the question and my fears and concerns etc etc etc, she turned to me and said 'why do you always turn it into an english essay. I got what you were saying in the first sentence, you just enjoy embellishing it as if I don't understand anything'!
The made me grin, she was absolutely right. I had summed up what I wanted to say in the first sentence and the rest was just waffle and me off loading all my thoughts and worries.
So point to self: Keep things short and sweet, they DO hear you the first time and don't need a lecture, once we start getting boring NONE of it goes in!!
Hi Mildred
I have to say that I would have done the same when it came to reading the messages. Mainly as I know how The Git (their Dad) can behave and how manipulative he can be...
I'm glad you've calmed down and have thought things through.
None of it is easy.
Hi guys!
A year later nearly! Where did that go?! The most surprising bit is that I can barely remember the outcome of my stress meltdown!! Funny really! 
I know that my son has not left me, he has entered the era of "Teenager : Do Not Disturb". I remember this time well, and with todays communication options I can't find it surprising he spends his spare time 'talking' to his pals via text, Facebook etc. He does come out now and again, for food usually, or to actually go and MEET his friends (yipee - fresh air!) and does interact with us too! ...usually to ask for money to go and meet his friends... but still... All is well! He's even got himself a little job! Hoo - ray! 
So...
I'm actually prompted to revisit this site on behalf of a friend...
Her daughter is making her life a misery. I can't believe the way the girl behaves!! My friend had told me how bad it was, but as a mum who has been through it to the other side, thought she was maybe exaggerating slightly... She likened her to the girl from the Excorcist, and called her Devil Child etc. I laughed at the anecdotes... She is just turned 3, and such a cute little girl...
No joke.
My friend was obviously having trouble coping, she admitted she was struggling, on an emotional level, for many reasons. It was all getting a bit much really. We invited her to stay for a few days, to give her a little respite, and it wasn't long before we were witness to the tantrums.
I watched on to start with, thinking 'terrible twos', but after a day or two, I realised this wasn't the odd tantrum. Anything, absolutely anything, will set this child off. She spends most mornings either screaming the place down, or if left, happily running around half dressed.
I can't begin to advise my friend as I have never experienced a child like her! She seems to have the concentration span of a goldfish, shouting and yelling if she doesn't like what's being said/fed to her, full on screaming and kicking because she doesn't like what she is to wear that day although she picked it herself after another screaming match - her mum has no authority over her at all, yet she is a very bright and happy child. When she is happy.
I have spoken candidly to my friend. "Your daughter is a psycho."
Lol, sorry, no, but I have said what I have seen...
This girl is going to walk all over her. She has her wound round her little, tiny finger. My friend says she has tried everything. I am actually really concerned for my friend. They stayed here for a week, and I cannot imagine what this must be like to go through on your own, 24/7. She says she gets up at half 5 to get herself ready before waking her daughter, giving herself an hour and a half to get her little one fed and dressed. She says she has taken her daughter to nursery half naked as the girl refuses to dress. Apparently she is as good as gold at nursery. I think Granny has witnessed it before, but there were four adults, all parents, with their mouths agog at the scenes before them at the weekend...
My friend is off sick with stress.
She has created a monster...
Hi Mildred,
I have met many children like this and worked with parents who literally ready to put their child in to care as they are at the end of tether.
Firstly, I do sympathise with your friend it sounds like a nightmare but... I sympathise with the child too - she is not a monster. There could be so many reasons for her behaviour and perhaps your friend needs to access some professional help and fast.
Their could be medical reasons such as Autism, ADHD etc. which could mean the child is struggling to communicate her feelings/wants/desires etc. Children with these conditions are often described as bad/desruptive/psycho etc.
The very fact her mother is struggling could have an impact on the child too, children that are growing up around stress, anger, anxiety, violence etc. can show disruptive behaviours themelves. ( i am currently seeing my 8 year old going through anxiety because of her witnessing my own anxiety for years but she could have easily been showing a response to it by acting up/being disruptive)
There really are may reasons this little girl is acting as she is and as long as this isnt addressed it wont get any better. Your friend should speak to her health visitor or gp asap.
Hope this helps. Good Luck.
Hi Mildred
As littleangel has already said there could be many reasons why your friends little girl is behaving as she is, your friend could discuss her concerns with the nursery. I think if there was some sort behaviour problem then it would be consistant there too.
I just remembered you mentioned that she is "good as gold" at nursery if this is the case for me that would indicate that the nursery are able to manage her behaviour, i would be asking them what techniques they are using, as whatever they are using seems to work.
I think you knocked the nail on the head when you said that mum has no authority. Your friend would need to start by taking back control, she could start to use some sticker or reward charts to help with the morning routines of getting dressed etc, lots of praise for good behaviour, consequences for bad behaviour.
You said your friend is struggling with emotional stuff maybe she needs to talk with someone about it like a counsellor, she may then be in a better place to deal with her childs behaviour. I take it your friend is a singleparent?
Great post Sally!
Just one little personal experience to add. Seeing as she is Ok at nursery, presumably she has a good relationship with one or more of the workers. One technique your friend could have up her sleeve is a behaviour book. Get the worker on-side with mum, and every week, or every day, the book is taken in with the child with stars or no stars in on the relevant date. The child will want to please the worker at the nursery and be keen to show that she has earned some stars. This is an adaptation of something I used, where I would say to the boys that I was going to have to phone their teacher and talk to her about their naughty behaviour, that used to really stop them in their tracks. I would add that this needs to be done in a calm and almost disconnected way, as half the battle with children of ANY age is not to allow them to see they can manipulate their parent emotionally by their behaviour.
Thanks everyone! Great advice! Yep, she is a single mum, going through divorce. I can see that her own emotions will be playing a huge part, and she is attending counselling.
Another week has gone by and the little girl is still at this not getting dressed business. She was taken to nursery in her jammies yet again. I think the whole nursery pointed out to her you don't go places in your jammies. I think the reward book/chart may be an avenue she has not tried yet - and also getting the nursery onside!
Meeting her for lunch today so shall impart your words of wisdom! And encourage her to join up with yourselves - if only to let her know she's not alone! Like I said I've never experienced this kind of behavour in a child, and have already said to her to seek professional advice.
Thanks guys... you're all doing a brilliant job!! X
Hope you enjoy lunch with your friend today Mildred, something else that worked for me was turning getting ready into a game, so saying things like can you get your shirt on before i count to five, on the odd occasion i have pretended to race them getting dressed, and then pretend that i can't get my leg in my trousers so to take longer than them, they usually find this funny and feel great that they have beaten you in getting ready.
Hi Mildred. Welcome along to One Space. Wow, reading that must have shocked you to the core. Your son goes to his dad's, and they spend time together playing computer games, or whatever. At home, it is so obviously different with the parent with care. There is homework to do, rules to abide by, perhaps chores to earn the pocket money etc. A different enviroment entirely to when he sees his dad. I wouldn't take it too much to heart, what you have read on facebook, but I can understand how you must be feeling. I'm not exactly how to advise you to go about this one. You could pretend that you haven't read it, so not saying anything to your son, or you could openly tell him that he had left it on, and even though you shouldn't have, out of privacy for him, you did in fact read it. That would then lead you on to discussing the messages between him and his dad.
Please keep posting as others will be along to give you advice on how best to handle this.