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I've always suggested I'm around when father visits our daughter, purely on the fact that he's never made much of an effort with her and there was a past issue where he dropped her when she was about 5 months old (she's 2 this year) , i secretly recorded this accedent, bit of luck really as he never told me he dropped her. he has never questioned me being there on visits (held at my home or local places) and honestly I think it suits him as he hardly plays with her or shows her much attention, instead he sits there taking pics to post on social networking sites making out hes worlds best dad (little rant there sorry lol).
A has health issues and is on daily pumps and creams, all of which I have tried to show him but he fails to pay attention so leaving her with him has also played on my mind incase she had an attack and he didnt know what to do.
It seems that on one visit he's seemed to of changed and interacting more with A then next visit he sits there doing nothing again- 1 step forward, 10 steps back every month (he visits every 2 weeks)
However I know I can't force him to be a decent father but it would be nice for her to go park with him etc but I'm so worried incase he takes his attention off her or something health wise happens, I know I'm prob being over protective but she's my world- of I'm totally honest with myself I'm waiting for him to F up and I pick faults with everything he does, I'm not bitter about the guy but I can't stand him, he's done nothing to gain my trust or reapect - Im friendly when he goes for A's sake. I fear that if I let him take her out he will just ignore her and let her do her own thing or just sit there taking pics the whole time while A is just sitting there bored- I guess there is also a fear of will he bring her back......
I guess just because I always hear stories of fathers not returning the children- I very much doubt he would take her as he wouldn't want her full time but its still in my head, I know it's a silly thought really- he does have PR but we have a private signed agreement that says she lives with me and I'm her PG, I also have a disability letter which states i am her full tIme career (don't know if that makes any differance)
to be honest I don't think he's worried about messing up in front of me coz he doesn't seem to care about anything esp what people think about him as he always thinks he's right.
i want to start off with half an hour down the park on his next visit. With me there too over the other side of the field (i can walk the dogs) I feel that way I'm not standing with him but still able to see then next time let them go alone if all goes well...I'm also worried as A hates being around him, maybe she can sense he's not that intreasted.
its only ever been A and me so she's not use to spending time alone with others apart from my family, keep in mind she only sees him twice a month and their relationship isn't very interactive so they don't have the strongest bond. I try to not make her to clingy but when ever I leave him alone with her (If I'm doing housework etc during visits) she screams the place down and he has no idea how to settle her (which is weird seen as he has another baby)
Ive wrote down a list of her medical conditions and meds to give to him so he can memerise them but yet again I feel like I'm pushing him to learn about things he has no intreast in and feel more like his mother lol
I think that's a good idea, you being around when he takes her to the park. You might find your daughter is screaming when you leave the room, because she's still aware that you're in the house. If the park visit goes ahead, you'll still be in the background, but out of view, and then you can see what happens. I'm sure she'll still cry for a couple of times, but this is when he needs to step up, and console her. Go through various things with him that work for her, and then it's down to him. He might have another baby, but that doesn't mean that he knows how to settle a child, especially if he has never done it, and it's always been done for him. It's all about learning isn't it?
I remember a few months ago when A wasnt well and was tired, I asked him to settle her but he refused and put her straight on the floor again!!!!
Im so scared to let him take her alone but I also know it will be good for them and I'm partly being selfish as I see her as MY child (main reason for this is lack of visits and hardly any contact inbetween as he doesn't bother) I know that's a bad way to see things but when I'm the only one who attends all her appointments, hospital visits (hes never offered to bisit her when she has been admitted) and does everything for her it's a bit hard to see her as OURS.
i have come to realise we need to meet 50/50 but I need a bit of proof he is taking responsabilty 1st...however A is all that matters and it would be nice to have a bit of ME time during visit hours and hopfully get to the point where he can take her out and I don't have to see him as much :D
I completely understand you saying you think of your daughter as 'yours'. I actually think, despite his lack of 'parenting', he does care about your daughter, as if he didn't, he wouldn't continue with the fortnightly visits. He could so easily break off all contact (as some absent parents do) He travels a fair distance too doesn't he? As for him not visiting when your daughter has been admitted to hospital, have you asked why he doesn't? My friend who is happily married with children, would say, that it is her that also takes her child for hospital appointments, though of course, her husband would definately be there should her child be admitted for anything.
Yeah he travels over two hours but he doesn't travel only for her as he also travels down here sometimes during the week to see mates (without asking if he can see her too) so he would travel down here regardless if we had a daughter or not.
im very greatful he sees her , even thou I don't sound it. I've always said it will be A's choice if she sees her father or not in future and I will never bad mouth him to her, I also grew up with a rubbish father so kinda know how she might feel about him as she's able to understand stuff and part of me wants to protect her from that- he may turn out to be a fab father but I can only go by what Ive seen the past year and half which hasn't been good so far. I mean what kinda parent lies about their medical history while your child is in hospital possibly putting her at more risk as correct tests could not be carried out- that's just twisted & not love at all!
i have never asked why he does not visit her in hospital but have always put the offer out there to come- he never asks how she is between visit time Or what she has been up to so now I just take things for what they are- as I said in another post we can not force someone to be a parent but we can do everything we can for our children so they know they are loved.
Hi Tinkerbell2, I can hear you questioning the whole idea of the next step. I thought that him being with her at the park is a great idea!
He will have to interact with her ie pushing on the swing, helping her up the steps of the slide etc and if she does cry I hope you can manage not to leg it across the park to her aid, but let him try and deal with it. If he is surrounded by other parents, he will have to do something and if he doesn't your daughter will survive.
You want him in her life, but you also need him to take some responsibility for his role, it sounds as though you are ready, now she is 2 to start taking some baby steps towards independence and good for you.
Will you broach the subject at his next visit?
Hello Anna , thank you for your reply. I think on the next visit (saturday) I will give him the info about her health and meds and see if he even reads them or pays intrest (I wrote them down so he can take it home as it's alot to take in) if he does not then I will calmly make it clear how important it is to know this stuff as a single attack could kill if not dealt with And he must know this stuff to be able to spent quality time alone with A In future.
then I will suggest all going to the park & he can take her on swings etc while I walk the dog and see where we go from there.
i would be lying if I said I wasn't having anxiety over this but I know I must let go of the rains abit - as hard as it is :( I feel Ive moved on alot in life and bettered myself since leaving her father and just want things to be as friendly as possible, he still try's to stay in my business and life so not being there on visits so much will help seperate our life's (if that makes sense)
That really sounds like a good plan, Tinkerbell2. I know how hard it is but definitely worth a go, good luck and let us know how it goes.
Ok so visit happened today- I explained to A's father that I want him to start taking her out as obv it's good for their relationship and I don't really want him spending the whole time in my home for the next 16 or so years!
i suggested we first all to go the park today as I'm not ready for just them two to go and have my reasons- he seemed pleased. Got over the park and I went my seperate way but found a gap in fence when I could spy.....well what can I say, instead of putting her in a swing or slide he just stood there looking bored while A was roaming around- this went on for about 20mins before i had enough and came back over to them and played with her myself ....1st time alone was a total fail- she even tried to kiss him and he told her no....
Oh dear Tinkerbell2, that was strange that he did not even lift her into the swing or anything! I bet you were glad you could look through the fence. Did you speak to him about it and say you had seen or ask him if she had been on the swings etc? it is almost as if he does not know what to do (which is something you have said before) I wonder if he would be different if there were other parents there with their kids and he could see what they were doing and copy them?
There was other parents there....I mean it's just common sense to put a kid in the swing, I can't guild him though every single thing as I won't always be there to do so- it's just a plain fact that he can't be bothered!
i gave him a list of her meds so he can get to know them and he said "oh I can just buy these in a pharmacy" and I said "no they are specially prescribed to her dosage for her age so you can't put counter stuff on her plus I will give you her meds every visit to take out with you, please don't buy anything " he insisted that he could. why do I bother , why oh why....it's always a huge smack in the face - he's mental
I just asked if they had fun at the park and he smiled and said yes- I didn't say I was watching him as I want him to feel that he's got her on his own and not being watched
I'm baffled in his behaviour Tinkerbell, really I am. Do you think he smiled before answering yes, as he would have known you'd be watching? Having him in your house for visits isn't the ideal situation either, especially till she's of a certain age. Blimey, you'd go insane! As for the meds, I'd be very worried if even after your chat, he still thinks he can buy the stuff in the chemist. Like I've said, I'm truely baffled, and have no idea what to suggest for you. Would he go to a parenting class do you think? Even typing this, I'm guessing the answer would be a no.
I've suggested parenting classes before , I even offered to go with A so we can all go as we would all pick up some tips- he said he would go to the ones local to him as he was planning on going to pick up tips for his "new baby" but when I mentioned it again he said he never went and doesn't plan too.
i can't make or listen to excuses for him any longer, yes some people don't take to things straight away as a parent but he just makes no effort at all and doesn't hide the fact that he doesn't - A is almost 2 and he still makes hardly any effort, sure he comes to visit but for what reason I don't know Coz its surly not out of joyment with his child! I try to accept the visits for what they are but I don't want him in my house for the whole time, I have my own life and lets face it who wants to sit with their ex for the next so many years - I need this guy to show me I can trust him with A and that he knows what to do if the worst happened - I'm leaving my daughters life in his hands basically but everything goes in one ear and out the other.....there's something not right with him In The head , normal people do not behave like this ! I'm at a bed end and now just think s*d it
Hello Tinkerbell2
Yes I can imagine you feel despairing about this situation and I know you have totally tried everything to make this work. I also appreciate that you don't want him at your place all the time, thankfully the better weather is coming and you can be out and about, even if it means you have to be there all the time. However, this does not solve the problem in the longterm, I would be inclined to insist on neutral meeting places eg soft play facility in bad weather.
May I ask who arranges contact at the moment? I mean is it set in stone once a fortnight or do you text and arrange each time?I was thinking that if you are instrumental in setting it up, maybe you could back off ?
i asked him what arrangement best suited him and he told me, we did first agree contact every weekend but then he changed it to every two weeks (due to work) and I suggested that the time length will get longer as she gets older if he wants. I wouldn't say it's set in stone as it can be changed but he seems happy with contact agreement (as he sorted it) - I did suggest last summer that he suggests where to hold visits but this lasted for only a few weeks then he stopped naming places & just expected to come to mine (in the warm with free beverages & somewhere he asks to charge his phone and iPad ) , I do always suggest going park etc when it's nice out so A gets some fun and my home is free
How frustrating Tinkerbell2, but well done for making it happen, I think it sounds as though he really just doesn't know how to interact with his daughter, perhaps his parents were very hands off?
Perhaps next time whilst walking to the park you could say to him "A loves going in the swing, don't you A, daddy will have to put you in when you get there"
As the saying goes 'Rome wasn't built in a day' and I think that you are making valiant efforts towards building their relationship.
As for the meds he has proved that he is not responsible enough just yet to have her on his own for a long time if he is not prepared to take your instruction seriously.
Things will shift and change as she gets older, you are doing everything within your power to set a solid relationship in place for them, but he will have to take the reins at some point.
Hi Tinkerbell. I think any Mum would feel the way you do regarding your little girl and her daily pump, so your concern is completely understandable. If, like you say, you're waiting for him to mess up, then he is probably picking up on this, and maybe that is why he doesn't do anything when he is with you both. Looking at it from his point of view, he could be worried sick that if he does do something which you might feel is wrong, then you could stop his visits or something. She's nearly two now, and so maybe time for him to have time completely on his own with her, in order for him to really form a bond with her. Looking at it from your point of you, you want to always be there to protect her, and perhaps don't think anyone else could do it the same as you. Again, I completely understand this. Why would you think that he wouldn't bring her back? Has he threatened this? Does he have PR?