I cope really, really well with my life. Teenagers, work, study and no support.
But I'm so fed up with coping. I want to enjoy life and to have some support. I also feel separate from most people that as I cope really well, I'm a bit intimidating to men and other women.
Because my life is coping, I don't know the latest film, don't socialize, (no friends) and my energy is spent just getting by on a budget. I feel so different to other people.
My family dont help. As I was abused, deep down I have this stupid idea that I'm no worthy. Friends deserted me when I had a sh**e time, even though I was there for them. Obviously, they weren't friends, but I have never had any.
in a nutshell, as I couldn't trust my family it is so hard for me to trust other people. There have been people I have been able to trust, but then we have split up/ died/ let me down etc. It is harder for me to make friends, but as I'm getting older I suppose it gets harder.
I have tried counselling. Twice now. But people always confide in me, even counsellors!
I think I'm so fed up with trying. After 11 years of being a single parent, my optimism has gone and i'm worn out with coping.
I'm trying a SAD box and herbal antidepressants again, as it takes the egde of the struggle. But after all this time, why am I still struggling? Surely it's time to enjoy life? I see other people. who have support and who are nasty people, and i think what's the point of working hard, being kind etc it gets you nowhere.
I just wish i had friends for a hug/talk now. Instead after a bottle of wine I need to go to my kids and send them to bed. There is never an escape for me. An escape from the responsibility and relentless, the exhaustion and being so strong all the time. And the cooking lol!
I just wish my life is different. But then I have for the past 11 years and it has made no difference.
My family aren't interested in us. They don't even bother with us, even at Christmas and our birthdays. That is the only thing that keeps me going, that I want my kids to have the love I never did. I'm not always sure they have a good role model though as I'm usually irritable lol The kids are the only reason I get out of bed, i don't want them to go into care. It's good i have that reason, but it isn't enough really.
Over Christmas I had NO texts or phone calls.
towerofstrength, sending loads of hugs your way.
The funny thing is, I was talking about this with the children on New Year's Eve. While I do have some lovely friends, I have no one I could phone up and go and see/go out with/ to the pics with/ to the cinema with.
Scouts has brought me into contact with adults, but again, not in the way perhaps I'd hoped. I do enjoy working with the young people though.
The children are my life. I often worry that this isn't right, but now feel that there's not much I can do about it. The one bottle of wine I did open, I shared (not much mind...) with my daughter!.
Losing my best friend made me realise how isolated I had become. I don't see what I can do about it now either, as I couldn't walk around shops or walk to the pub now anyway.
My daughter has somehow realised I need hugs, and I enjoy receiving them.
I know this doesn't help, and I wish I could come up with a wonderful suggestions (and I know there will be some), but in a small way I do sort of understand where you're coming from.
Hope the light works. Its something I've looked at - for my son with special needs, not just me - but I never get around to it.
xxx
Hi tower of strength
What's in a name, eh? Your user name tells me that that is what you feel you have to be 
Welcome back, anyway. While this is no consolation, this is the time of year when we all look at where we are at (hence New Year's Resolutions, I guess). However, I am sorry you feel like this. You are entitled to some fun, friendship and happiness as well as all the hard work in your life.
We've talked about counselling before and I know you have had some bad experiences...or should I say what sounds like bad counsellors. I am guessing that you present yourself as very capable, even within a counselling session.....and it is the counsellor's job to get underneath that. My own first experience of counselling was the same: I presented as very "sorted" and he ended up doing a career questionnaire with me! I could not believe that he could not see I was crying out for someone to help me drop that guard! The majority of counsellors are very good, however, and if you could bring yourself not only to go and see one but also to say from the outset that you are aware you present yourself as capable and strong but there is an anomaly with what you feel inside, then you could do the first bit of the work for them and cut to the chase.You already make the connection between your abuse and the way you feel about yourself so a counsellor should be able to help you a great, great deal.
One of our online tools may also be really helpful to you. We have a new Online Learning section, and there is a Life Coaching option that really encourages you to look at your life, where you are going and what you want. You work through it at your own pace.
Of course there are some practical steps you can take in the meantime, as the emotional work will take some time. Have a look at our article Making New Friends which has a host of suggestions for you. But there is something about the main practical step being giving yourself permission that comes across in your post. Being a single parent is hard work, yes, and a big responsibility but Mrs Responsible is allowed some time off too. If you truly have no slack at all in your timetable, why don't you? Do you need to drop your standards a little? Are there things you could ditch? Do you need to get the kids on board and have a jobs rota? Are you running round after them too much, to your own detriment?
I know this is challenging, and I don't apologise for that. It just sounds to me as if you are now at a point where you are thinking "where on earth do I go from here?" We are all here for you. I know virtual friendship is not the same but it is pretty helpful anyway. Don't shell out any more money for psychics; come on here when you want to chat, and don't forget the Samaritans are at the end of a phone line 24-7 when you need some human contact and reassurance.
Sending you lots of positive strength and thoughts this morning 
Hi towerofstrength. Welcome back, it's lovely to see you here again. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, and wish I had a magic wand right now. I do know what you mean about families! Over Christmas, two of my sisters could have either asked me and my son to join them and their families, or at least popped in to see me, but ......
Please keep posting. It isn't the same as having 'real' friends I know, but it really does help knowing there are so many people who will respond. Take lots of care.
This will be a quick reply as my son is getting up soon for football. I don't want him to see me writing this. (The internet is in the living room so I can keep an eye on what the kids are doing, but then it means I get no privacy too lol)
Alisoncam, I'm sorry about your sisters. I have accepted my family are never going to be there for me, but at Christmas it reminds me of how they are. I'll never understand, how if you have kids, you know how hard it is, (for any parent) to just ignore your own child. But then it was an abusive family so I suppose I'll never understand it. It does make me more determined to be a better Mum though.
Sparklinglime, I got the SAD box from ebay for £40. The stand is slightly damaged but I don't care for that price!
One of my goals is to change jobs, as my job is making me miserable. But I want a new career and have very little work experience in a very, very competitive market. I am applying for jobs through agencies but they tell me that is my problem. In my job I sit in a office, with no windows all alone every day. I'm really bored there too. I have even cried in work and nobody notices!! So going back to work was very miserable and I'm not too sure of my next step.
Go to go
Hello tower of strength
Hope your day goes well, tell us more when you get some privacy 
Good morning towerofstrength. Keep going with the job hunt. I know there isn't much out there, but something might come up, you never know. Hope you have a good day.
Good Morning,
I think you are an inspiration and the love you show your kids must be felt by them which is lovely. I'm lucky cos i have support from my family but it is still hard. Getting back to work would do you wonders cos you can meet adults and make friends from there. Just keep doing what your doing and it will work itself out in the end. I have been on my own for 5 years now and i can only dream to be as strong as you when i have been on my own that long. It is hard managing on a budget but there are ways you can enjoy life on a budget you just have to find what works for you.
There are people out there th at have the material things but they probably dont give their kids the love that you do.
Don't worry about people in your life that don't bother they are the ones missing out. Concentrate on yourself and your kids you are the important ones
xxx
Hi towerofstrength, sorry to hear that you are in a difficult place at the moment.
Work - it is interesting what you say as we have just put a new course online called Ways into Work
The course is about finding the right job for you and looking at how you can combine working with looking after a family. We look at voluntary work, training and education as a way to help you get the job you want.
This course may also be beneficial if you already have a job but would like to make a change. (that's you!)
Have a look, it might help to broaden your horizons! I was quite suprised the things that came up when I did it!
Your children are teens if I remember rightly, a difficult time emotionally for all of you, however, it means that your life is going to change, if you want it to. As the children are getting older, they can be a bit more independent and so can you.
You need to start doing nice things for yourself. I reiterate what Louise says about counselling as I imagine you have a lot of underlying stuff that would be good to get out of your system.
I went to a few counsellors before I had any luck, one cried on me for what I had been through 
, one wanted to discuss her life and the break up of her marriage 
and another just didn't seem to know her stuff, she seemed incredibly naive 
However EVENTUALLY, I found somebody and they helped me change my life 
It took me about 7 years before I found the 'right' counsellor, with much space in between questioning and not trusting people. So towerofstrength, please persevere. You future is ahead of you and YOU are in control of it.
How is your SAD box? I have always wanted a go on one of those! Does it help? Did you doctor recommend it?
I must look on ebay. I think a light box would benefit my 15 year old too.
So many tips, thank you. I'm not sure where to begin my rushed reply as I need to chase my kids into bed lol. They are in their rooms, but aren't resting!!
The SAD box is good, it's best to use in the morning though. You don't need to stare at it, you can just keep it on while you're watching TV, reading etc. I'm not really home enough though to use it lol!
I have enrolled on a night school course just before.
I have applied for another job today, but have been told by agencies that I don't have enough experience to change jobs. Catch 22 isn't it, how do you get experience without a job?
have to go.
Loads of hugs.
Wish I knew the answer to that one.
Sparklinglime, I am currently doing a few hours a week voluntary work which has given me a bit of experience but nowhere near enough for jobs I see advertised. I don't have much free time either to do more voluntary work!! I am studying too but am at the position where my theoritcal knowledge is too high as I need practical knowledge too. So my efforts are in vain.
The online courses look good and I have started doing the life change plan. I am stuck though on more ideas on how to change my life, I need 8! So I will try the ways into work to see I can get some ideas from that.
Do you know what I find the hardest about being a single parent? It's being really, really selfish. Just being able to get drunk, swear, eat junk and just enjoy watching rubbish on the TV without kids. Like watching Shameless
I miss the freedom I suppose, not necessarily the stuff.
Hi there Towerofstrength
I know that you already do volunteer work but I thought I'd send this website any way. I don't know if it is any help but you can put in what type of volunteer work you want to do and in which area. There are quite a few different volunteer roles (aside from the regular shop work), and it may enable you to get more experience for a job role that you want.
www.do-it.org.uk
Thanks, mamaoftwo!
I know what you mean about the freedom thing, tower of strength, although I have to say I felt that when I became a parent full stop, even when I was married. The pressure is more if you are parenting alone though, I agree. It would be nice if children came with remote controls and we could put them on "Pause" for a while...or fast forward when they are going through a difficult phase. A Mute button would also be very handy!!
Ah yes, being able to open a bottle of wine (perhaps once or twice a year), having to do a head count to make sure they're all home and insist they don't run about incase they end up having to go to A&E...
Something that bugs me is all the stuff I'd do - with or without them - when they were older, and due to wonky legs (high impact stuff is not allowed, and I now wobble so uneven ground is a no-no) I can't do them now!
And you can't watch any film you want if there's too much swearing/violence and that other word staring with s and ending with x incase a child walks in...
towerofstrength
Thinking about ideas for the Life Coaching course, I have tried to think of a few below, everyone please feel free to add yours!
Changing your diet, changing your job, doing more exercise, tidying up a junk room, redecorating, learning to knit, trying different recipes, organising a meet up with friends, joining a group, learning a language, preparing for a birthday, being more assertive, getting your hair cut, finding a new style, redesigning your garden........it's hard isn't it! When I was editing the course, I remember thinking how hard it was, however just try and think outside of the box, they don't have to be huge life changing ideas, so please go back to it, as hopefully as you continue with the course, you will think of other things.
You said: 'Just being able to get drunk, swear, eat junk and just enjoy watching rubbish on the TV without kids.' I agree with you here! I completely agree with you, I love it when my daughter goes out for a sleepover! However it won't be long before the children are grown up and out of the house, then we will have all the time in the world to do these things!
Could you arrange for them both to be out at the same time?
I have just got some voluntary work. I will hopefully meet some new people and gain some really important work experience too. I may have to put the studying on hold for a bit though.
I enrolled for three courses at night school. They have all been cancelled as there wasn't enough numbers!!
Getting a new job has to be my first priority. Working alone in an office with no windows is getting me down. I have designated two nights a week to look. Hopefully there will be something soon, but I am applying to jobs.
there was 1500 jobs advertised near me, and 14,000 people applied!! For agency jobs, about 30 people are applying for each job. So I suppose I'm lucky to have my windowless, lonely work office. Even getting this voluntary work, I tried 10 places!! Other people had beaten me to it!
Wow those figures really paint a picture of what is going on right now. How annoying about the courses! You would have thought that with the job situation, MORE people would be on courses, not less.
Well done on the voluntary work, hopefully it will open some new doors for you.
How are things with the children?
I do hope you enjoy the voluntary work, and I hope it does open some doors for you.
Those job figures are shocking!
Good luck with the volunteer work. I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and meet lots of people. Let us know how you get on.
Well, I turned up for my voluntary work today and they weren't expecting me. The place is chaos!! So hopefully next week will be better. It's so frustrating as I had to wait 30 minutes for a bus, then a 15 minute walk!! I'm not too sure if I'll gain much experience there but I'll give it two months minimum before I make my mind up.
I'm starting to feel desperate now in case I never leave this job I'm in. I suppose I'm lucky to have a job, but I don't gain anything from it. I'm lonely and really bored there.
On something else positive I tried I went on a blind date this week. I won't be seeing him again though as he was shallow. We were going to bet on something and he said he wanted "a sexual favour" as the prize.
He also moaned about walking me back to the station, rain, distance etc so I just said I'd walk by myself and walked off. He did offer to drive me but I preferred to get the train.
It was lovely being out on a date though, so I may try that again. And it didn't cost me anything lol!
So in the meantime I have another boring weekend with no company. I just hope these efforts get me somewhere.
Awww, I'm sorry you walked into chaos. Fingers crossed they'll be more organised and ready for you next week.
Very brave doing the dating thing!
Hello Towerofstrength
Hope your ok and hanging in there,
Yes the routine of kids work kids work kids work and being the strong one and having no support is a drain on all are energy but its well worth it.
We all get lonely more so when kids are not around i to am in that boat cause when kids are at there mums its just me and i am not use to not having them around.
The just getting buy and not having friends come to visit to i experience to its hard very hard but i do it for the stabillity of the children as any responsable parent would.
As for your date were not all like that there are still some gentlemen out there just hard to find them and when you do to trust and believe you have found one thats right for you.
Stuart Stay Strong Hunnie xx
Sorry the voluntary work is a bit slow to get off the ground, it can seem like that sometimes and it is hard to keep going.
You got an early warning sign about the blind date bloke, better you found it out now heh heh. As Stuart says, they are not all like that and it is about kissing (or NOT kissing 
) rather a lot of frogs first. You WILL get there!!
Hi towerofstrength. Very brave of you to go on the blind date. Sorry it didn't work out, but never say never.
Thanks everybody for your kind comments.
I will try the volunteering again next week. It was so frustrating as I'm hoping this work experience will bring me a step closer to a new job. The job is so isolating!
I'll definitley consider a blind date again but I won't hold my breath. I just saw the night as meeting new people.
I'm also starting a new exercise class next week. I've also found out when the night school starts again. Short courses start again in April so I have written it down in my calendar so I don't forget.
I'm reducing my study for a bit so that I can focus on "getting a life". it is modular what I'm doing so it's no problem. I will still study though this weekend as it's just so boring being at home with the kids all the time.
You enjoyed the exercisde class before so hopefully you will find one that you enjoy again.
I know what you mean about the studying: it is good to stretch the brain
Hi towerofstrength
Good Luck with the volunteering tomorrow, it sounds like you are much needed there to get some order in the place!
It sounds as though you are really on a roll with finding ways of moving forward with your life, good for you.
Glad to hear that the blind date hasn't put you off dating all together, meeting new people is the perfect mindset to have. When is the next one????
Thanks Anna for remembering me. Thank you.
I haven't arranged another blind date yet, as I prefer to email a while and talk first before a meet up. I'm still on the site, but so far there isn't anyone I'm really chatting to.
I see the site as something positive to do, it only takes a few minutes, free, but I'm not really expecting anything to happen from it.
Hopefully the volunteering will be better tomorrow. I'm looking for other voluntary stuff though in case this doesn't work out.
Hope the volunteer work goes well today
Me too.
x
It was a waste of time again. They were expecting me this time but nothing for me to do! To be fair though, the same girl has apologised to me twice. I think it was embarassing for her too.
It's such a hassle getting there and costs £5 too. I don't think I will bother again.
The website for volunteers hasn't been updated for ages, so I'm a bit stuck on my next step.
That's a lot of money.
I used to get my travel reimbursed when I was volunteering with the supported housing group. They did stop the volunteering though because they couldn't affort it - and wouldn't let me volunteer without it!
I'm sorry this didn't work out though. I really am, and hope you find another really quickly.
Could they not have phoned you, and told you not to waste your money and time? Surely if they were expecting you, that was the least they could have done!! Really hope something turns up. Fingers crossed.
That's awful, tower of strength. AND you should be paid your travel expenses. Do you think it is worth contacting your volunteer beureau to tell them how this organsation are not really geared up for volunteers and asking if there are some other openings>
I heard about this through another voluntary application that I applied for and had been filled. So I can't go back to the voluntary organisation and complain.
I have contacted another organisation who have sent a form out to me, so hopefully something will come of that.
Also, what do you think of citysocialising? It's an organisation where you meet other people socially. So for £20 a month you can go on organised events eg cinema, meals bar etc. You have to pay also for the drinks and meal on the night out.
There is a night for new members coming up soon, where you walk into a pub and look for the "city socialisising" logo on the table or you ask a member of staff where they are.
Has anyone tried it or heard of it?
I'm concerned about the price. Also, when I looked at the site there weren't many people on it. I'm also really scared about walking into a bar alone and then sitting on a table with the logo on I'd feel a right saddo!!
I can do night school alone, volunteering, go to exercise classes but I think this is a step too far for me. However, I'll keep an open mind so if anyone has any comments about it that would be great.
I have not been to an event but I know they do it in various towns and cities and I contacted the local one just to see what was what. Theyu reckoned they had quiote a few members, although of course it will vary from place to place. I wonder if you could contact them and say you do not want to walk in your own and one of the organisers could meet you? it often works like that with these organisations.I wonder if there could be a facility for your first night free to see if it is your sort of thing?
I went along to a local social group (an independent one not the one you mention) several years ago and met a stack of new friends, a boyfriend that I dated for a few months and three good girlfriends I still see nowadays.
How do I find out about other social groups?
How did you find out about the one you went to?
It was just in the local paper. Have I mentioned Spice to you? It is not a singles group, although a lot of single people are members, they do things like meals but also a lot of active things like walks etc
I love the look of Spice, but it isn't near my area. I wouldn't be able to leave my kids so far while I get there. The Spice looks much better than the site I have considered, much, much more affordable. Always money isn't it?
I'm feeling a bit down today. Another boring weekend. I have lots of things to do though, but not fun or with adults.
I wish my life was so different but I'll keep on trying. My life will get better, but at the minute I just feel lonely.
I have two jobs and in one of my jobs they always ask what I do at the weekend, and I rarely have anything nice to say. They have friends and family so they can always say I'm going to ....etc, I can never say that.
Well, I'll keep on trying with the voluntary work/ new job. I'll try the exercise class again. I'll keep an eye out for social groups too. I came off that dating website as it was just depressing! I think I'm too vulnerable at the minute for dating anyway. I mean that blind date I met, I have been considering meeting up with him just for intimacy!! I have never done that in my life, well writing it down has made me realise it sounds like madness, but it shows how lonely I feel.
I deserve so much better than this.
Yes you do, but it is totally understandable to feel as you do about the intimacy thing.
You have a number of things on the go and that is all good but it seems there is not enough enjoyment in your life at the moment, it would be good if you could find a hobby that brought you in contact with others, or at least gave you some pleasure and satisfaction. Are you creative at all? Or like the theatre? or animals? Just thinking of things that might be in your area that could be connected with these, that's all
It's good that you know you do deserve better. And you do!
I'm guessing its a case of 'all in good time'...
Have you tried meetups? Again I think you would have to go along on your own for starters, but at least a lot of them seem to have a theme and no fee as far as I can gather.
Hi towerofstrength,
I read your first post and I can emphasize a lot with you. I am so glad that in the last post you wrote that you deserve better.
I think that sometimes but its a hard line to write.
I have seen councilers, but I like when they share their life with me, I don't feel able to be open with total strangers that are just doing a job, so getting to know them makes me feel like they are more of a friend. I can't bare the waiting lists so haven't seen one recently, but from my past experiences of them I just hold a mini counciling session in my head where I play both parts! I just have to try and remember to take the advice I give out!
The only family I have is my mum. She raised me alone in a country that we were brought to via her mum's second marriage to a British man (who did abuse me briefly when I was 5 or so - it was found out before it got too far). She chose to have a job and a mortgage and a childminder. Instead of a council house, benefits and spending all day long with the light of her life (me).
I still question whether her choice has worked out for the best as I had a really hard time as a teenager (suicide attempt and drug use and running away from home).
I received 4 b'day cards last year. one from my mum. one from her partner at the time. one from a friend I made through a toddler group and one from a volunteering charity - Mind.
If you have a Mind local to you I would recommend it. I have partaken in the befriending scheme, and first was the volunteer teemed with a 'friend' who was in more need than I, then I fell pregnant and was seen as needing support rather than being about to provide it and was provided with volunteers - which I much preferred as some of the friends I had had stories that effected me and I'd always thought I needed to be the one who was supported rather than the other way around.
I think like you we are copers. we get on. because that's what we've always done. and people don't see our weaknesses as easily probably because we've put up so many walls and defences to try and keep us... sane? upright? functioning?
I question whether I'm a nice person and have decided I must not be as surely if I was people would be there at the end of the phone? Even my best friend from school said she posted the b'day card but it must have got lost in the post. I don't believe her. I've been there when we're running late for something and she's lied and said we were already out the door. (she mentioned the lost card after I told her I'd received 4 after she'd been moaning about these new mum's she'd met not getting her anything for her b'day - she'd got a lot of cards tho).
Anyway.
Try Mind. You're not alone. There's millions of us looking at the stars or huddled in our beds thinking 'why me?'. I think we're just a reserved bunch;)
I really hope things start working out better for you.
*BIG HUGS*
Hi Janehope. Big hugs to you too. You've been, and still are, going through so much. As for friends not being there at end of phone, I sometimes think that too. I feel I'm always there for others, but when I need someone..... Now I think that everyone is so wrapped up in whatever is going on in their own lives, they don't seem to have the time. I'm just getting over Bronchitis and a chest infection. I had felt rotten for weeks, and told a friend on numerous occassions how rough I felt. She listened, or appeared too, then I needed her to take C to school so I could get to the Drs last week. She was shocked when I told her what was wrong, saying, 'why didn't you tell me you felt that bad?'. Uhmmmm I did.
Hope you have a good day. Take care.xx
Good Morning Janehope,
Just because people are not at the end of the phone does not mean you are not a nice person . I find I am always the one who phones people but I would just say they have their own problems. The grass always looks greener but you never know what is going on behind closed doors. I can vouch for that as everybody thought the ex and I were getting on really well and there were no problems - what they did not know is that I was fighting to save our marriage after initially finding out he had been having an affair for 4 months..
People might just be thinking that they dont want to bother you and you will get in touch if you need them as you know they are there for you.. That is what I have been told from my BFF. She knows everything that is going on and knows how hard it is trying to sort out monkey and get myself together.
Keep your chin up Janehope as YOU ARE A NICE PERSON.
I must admit I am in the club of "Why ME" Thinkers.. I am normally in my bed looking out at the stars.
Shaz x
Hi JaneHope
Has anyone ever told you how well you write? If not, then let me be the first!
It is a great place to share things here and to give each other help and support. Many of us give others the impression that we are coping OK (and really we are, although some kindness, help and friendship from others would be a big help)
Janehope, I am so touched by your reply. I read it quickly last night and it moved me to tears. My kids were looking at me as the tears were falling down so much. I just left the room.
I know I am a coper (see my log in name!) because have had to. Even now the alternative to me not coping is the kids going into care. Which I won't do. I also know that I have broken the cycle with my kids that my kids don't have the life I had.
Part of the problem I have making friends is my background. (Really my situation is highlighted on the NSPCC website)
People who have been abused tend to have great empathy and listening skills. They know what an awful situation is so it makes them lovely listeners. As I cope realy well and I am resoureful and so tend to find answers. I am a great listener so in the past I have attracted friends who just "take" from me. Unfortuantely it has been one way and these "friends" I have known for years disapperared when I had a really tough time.
I know this makes it harder for me to make friends, as I know I don't want friendships like in the past but don't really know how to make friends. Also, trust is a real issue for me.
janehope, I know what you mean about trusting counsellers. I have found it more helpful reading lots and lots of books and websites.
Janehope you gave up your time to do volunteering to try and help others. How is that evidence of being a "bad" person?
I have phoned psychics in the last two days just to give me hope. I feel ashamed but in reality I've just needed a hug and to be told I'll be OK. The basics in people who have family support and friends. I have to pay for that.