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Hi all
this is my first post, I'm a single mother of 19,16 10 years old. My 19 old son started Uni september and been very unhappy. He said he doesn't like the course, the Uni and being around students. he is very lonely, and I think got social anxiety. He just doesn't want to be around people and sadly he couldn't hide at uni and decided he had enough. He won't let me help him or guide him because he think I pushed him so much to achieve resulted in emotionally I wasn't available to him when he was young. I feel it is true and lost his trust to support him. we don't have anyone in real life to support us. I questioned my ability to parent and what I thought is rightjust crumbled. I'm so worried he could be depressed and I can't even help him to seek help. He said it is my fault to push him acadamically when what he want is just minimum wage job and bedsit. But even the minimum wage job requires social interaction and I can't see him doing that. He is coming home from Uni soon and and doen't want to go back. I feel so lost I can sleeep or eat. Please help and suggestion is welcome.
thank you Louise
I'm just worried he won't sick help for his anxiety and will sink to depression. You are right I have to look after my self and just came back from GP with antidepressent. But still at loss. the thing is he is coping acadamically and we live in the same city as his University. He just wanted to be in halls for the experience.
I understand how worried you are. I am glad you have seen your doctor for you in the meantime!
Maybe he just wants to follow a different path in life, sees others earning money and wants to be the same. He can always go to Uni at a later date you know. My eldest worked fulltime after A levels for two years, said he did not want to go to Uni but he changed his mind two years later and so he went.
Do you think your son would be prepared to stick it out a bit longer if he could live at home?
Another thought: the Uni will have a Student Support and Counselling service, they are used to dealing with issues like this. Have a look on the Uni website and maybe suggest it to your son?
Hi Nefase Silk
I am afraid I have a different take on this situation. I think teenagers are really hard work and from your messages I think he is playing on your emotions. I did this a lot when I was his age.
My cousing went to Uni, absolutely hated it, for two years she cried and made no friends, then in the last year had a whale of a time and still has friends from those days.
Your son is old enough to make up his own mind. Part of him sounds like he is trying to rebel against you and hurt you (typical teenage behaviour), as you say he is academically capable however he wants a minimum wage job?
As Louise says, whatever he wants to do, or says he wants to do, just try and support him. Do not let this affect your health. He needs you to be strong and see that his indecision won't affect your health. I am glad that you have seen your doctor.
What is your 16 year old up to? Are they just about to do their GCSE's?
Hi Anne
Thank you, believe me that was what I thought in the first place. Because it doesn't add up he got A*AB in maths, further maths and english lit(A level), and wants to work in minimum job???? wrt myself, I am in pieces, I thought I've done the education part with him. I don't have any idea what to do??
My daughter is doing her AS- level and I thought I will focus on supporting her through the nightmare of Uni application(medical school) coming September. I'm questioning my parenting skill and lost confidence. I haven't got anyone to even vent for a minute. My work is so stressful and added this, God knows how I will hold on.
Part of me says he might be depressed or suffers from anxiety, the other part says he doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility. either way I need to change my ways with him while be supportive. It is not fair on his sibilings.
nefase silk - do not question your parenting skills, that fact that you are worrying and considering all options says to me that you are doing all that any parent would do.
One thing that might help raise your confidence may be to go to a parenting programme, a programme that both Louise and myself run and fully endorse is Strengthening Families Stregthening Communities, to find out if there is one near you click on this link: www.raceequalityfoundation.org.uk/contact
I have run this programme many times and I have to say everytime I go through it I learn something new and my relationship with my daughter has really improved over the years.
Family Lives offer a telephone support service that you might find useful, their number is 0808 800 2222, they also have a brilliant instant online chat facility where you can have a conversation with a practitioner instantly.
It does feel tough at the moment but you will get through this, get all the support you can for as many different resources as possible.
Your son does sound confused at the moment and you are probably right, he is nervous of the exams, failure etc, the course may be harder than he expected. Is there anything else going on for him at Uni? Perhaps a club he can join?
None of this is easy especially if you have a demanding job. What is it you do?
Hello nefase silk
Welcome, you are not on your own with this.
Would it help to know that a significant percentage of students do start off at Uni and then decide it is not for them? Homesickness is a big factor, and the academic life is not for everyone. So please do not think it is your fault. It is great that your boy is focused on what he wants and will be looking for a basic wage job and eventually his own little flat.Reassure him that you understand and that he has not let you down. You know what? He is so grateful to you for everything you have done and he feels awful that he does not want to carry on at Uni but he has been so brave to find the courage to tell you this.
I am concerned that you say you cannot sleep or eat. That is very worrying. You must rest and you must nourish yourself if you want to be able to support your son and your other children. You must seek medical help if this situation continues.
I agree that if your son has problems with social interaction then this is something that needs some support. It is worth him having a chat with his GP about how he is feeling. However I do understand that you might find it difficult to persuade him to go to the doctor, as it implies there is something "wrong" with him.
There is only limited help available from Job Centre Plus in terms of job seeking. I wonder if your son would agree to see a life coach to talk over his plans? Life coaches help a person to find their direction and support practical strategies to achieve this...and a life coach would also tell him if they thought he was depressed, and the title "life coach" is often more acceptable to people. However he would have to be motivated to use this service and if he is feeling low, he needs a lot of love from his mum and to know that he has not "failed", he just tried something that did not work out.
Hope this gives you some reassurance and you can look after yourself as your son needs you to be strong right now. Do keep posting and we will keep supporting you.