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I don't know where to start and this will probably be a load of waffle that doesn't make sense. I'm tired, I don't feel well and I'm hiding in my bedroom from my kids. I've been a single parent for 3 and a half years after escaping from a 10 year long abusive marriage. I have 3 girls aged 19, 16 and 11. XH is Dad to my 11 year old. First XH is dad to 19 and 16 year olds and has pratically abandoned them.
I work full time and am tired when I get home from work. I usually walk through the door to arguing teenagers, who then turn on me.
My 19 year old is angry. Angry at life, the ex, me, her sisters, my mum, her dad, her ex boyfriend, everybody. She finished college in the summer and since then has spend nearly every day in her pyjamas on the computer. She claims JSA and does just enough to claim it. She has had a couple of interviews which did not go well.
She will vacuum the front room once in a while, and expects me to kiss her feet for doing it (I do show my gratitude). But she won't learn to use the washing machine or tumble dryer and won't even bring her dirty clothes down from her bedroom. Yet she expects clean clothes put her room for her on a regular basis and puts me down when something she wants is not clean.
She expects me to understand how difficult she finds it to fill in job applications, and come up with answers for interview questions. I do the best I can, but I can't do it all for her, and I'm often too tired to think straight.
She is now refusing to talk to me, but announces out loud to the house that she is sick of living in this s**t hole where no one appreciates her and plans to move out as soon as she can. I don't answer her. I don't argue. I say nothing. I know she is only saying it to hurt me. She stopped talking to me when I got upset and tried to point out her abusive behaviour, which I now think was a mistake. I've already learned from experience that you can't tell a bully that they are a bully.
I can't even remember what started that arguement. Probably something that I had done wrong, or hadn't done. Or probably hadn't punished my 16yo for something. It could be because the internet isn't working properly.
I have a partner that doesn't live with us and I see him for a couple of hours on a weekend. He is an IT manager and I have asked him to try to fix the internet problem but he works a lot and is tired on weekends, so hasn't had a chance to look at it.
I am only human, and I'm trying to do the best I can. I might be the mother of the family, but I don't have all the answers or a magic wand.
I don't know what to do :(
Thanks Hopeful, although I don't feel like I'm doing a brilliant job. I feel that I've done well getting qualified and getting a full time job. And I feel good that I'm earning enough money to get by. But when it comes to parenting, I just see loads of mistakes.
My house is a mess, because I don't have the energy to clean it. I'm forever picking up crisp packets and wrappers and dirty plates and glasses. But it's my fault because I've done it because it was easier than making them do it. My eldest is correct when she complains that her sisters make a mess because I haven't taught them to tidy up after them.
My 16 year old spends all her time cyber socializing on her net book. She stays up all night on weekends and is murder getting to bed on a school night, and then murder getting her out of bed on a school morning.
My 11 year old messes up the house and then disappears to her Dads every weekend leaving us to live in her mess.
I'm too tired to clean it. I don't have the strength, energy or know-how to convince them to help. My 19 year old complains that I don't get them to help and that she is the only one who helps, and why should she when I don't make them help.
I remembered what the argument was about. She left her mobile phone on the bus, and expected me to find a way of getting it back. All I could do was contact O2 and get the phone and sim barred so noone else could use it. They sent her a new sim with the same number. She is using my old phone, but I couldn't find the charger. So she went off on one, and I got upset and said that I felt bullied just like XH used to. Big mistake, I know and I regret saying it. I went to my partners house to pick up another charger, and when I came back she had gone out. She hasn't spoken to me since. She is just badmouthing me to her sisters and the house in general.
She did go to stay with her Dad a couple of months ago after she broke up with her boyfriend. I thought that she would stay there for a while but she came home after under a week. I have no idea whether it was because she didn't want to stay there or if he and his wife had had enough.
Hi Rosedragon
You are worn to a frazzle and no wonder. Working and bringing up teens is really exhausting.
I understand that you have a big problem with your 19 year old but it sounds to me as if it is a case of needing to take charge of ALL of the children. You say it is too exhausting to tackle this, and yet if you don't, this will just continue, and you will continue to pick up after them and the problem will get worse and worse (sorry)
Hopeful has done a really helpful post to you. You DO need a rota and you need consequences for if people do not do their bit, whether they are financial (no pocket money) or electrical (no Internet) or grounding. Bedtimes also need to be established and enforced. If this all sounds draconian, remember, your job as a parent is to equip these children to live as independent adults....they will not be able to do this if they do not understand that jobs need to be done, work and school need to be respected and things cost money. Also, once a child is 16, you can "invite" them to go and live elswhere if they don't like your rules. IT IS YOUR HOUSE.
You also need to make sure that your daughter is giving you a fat slice of her JSA to cover her living expenses. I think they get about £53? I have already told my son that £40 of that is mine if he ends up on JSA.
Have a think about what you want to achieve, how you expect them to behave and have a family meeting to discuss this and draw up a contract. Time to get tough now, and only YOU can do this. Short term pain for a heck of a lot of gain.
I have been known to unplug the router here which meant no internet.
It's amazing how I now only have to threaten... I took it to my neighbour's house and it was over the weekend.
Perhaps downloading some housing association forms for your daughter might be an idea. I will be doing that when eldest finishes in college in May or June. They do have single person properties. If she hates it that much. And tell her you'll write a letter to say that you'll be kicking her out before the year end as that will help her application.
As difficult as issues have been with eldest he has not said that he hates living here. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it - and I'm soft.
As with the other two. Saturday or Sunday morning, hide the laptops. Go through the house with them telling them what to do. You don't do the picking up, they do. This does get done here - and I do try (never succeed) in doing it with humour. They do it. And you can clear the house of dishes and crisp packets in minutes.
But that is making them do it. We do have family conferences here. We had one last weekend to discuss finances and how difficult its going to be.
Be strong. You can do this.
Hey Rosedragon,
my house is a mess, too! And yes, it's kind of my own fault, because I'm not a tidy person myself. But there are limits, and I do make my little people (although the boys are all taller than I - how do I keep my daughter short???) do stuff.
When it really gets too much, I try to say something when everyone is there - so that I don't get the 'why is it always me having to do things?' and 'so-and-so never has to do anything' etc and everyone has the same message. It helps for a while, till the next time. There are good times and bad. (my thread is the loss of control one - if you want to see you're not the only one!).
Taking the router is a brilliant idea - I'll try that, Sparkling! (am ducking already from all the hassle that will cause!)
You ARE doing a good job though, Rosedragon! Just think, you have to make all the decisions all the time! Of course that's a drain and you just don't want to be bothered with whose turn it is to wash up anymore.
Big hug to you! x
Its amazing how quickly things can be done when a router's missing! 
Hi Rosedragon, sounds tough.
I noticed that this post was from last Tuesday, sorry I missed it. How are things at the moment?
You have been through such an awful lot over the last few years and had to hold it all together, you got out of an abusive relationship, rehoused yourself, you got qualified and you got a job. You have done marvellously with all the practical things. Now is the time to get on with the serious parenting stuff.
Would you consider a parenting programme, you might pick up new techniques for getting your girls to do what you want and you would also get support from others too? I think you work full time, but there might be evening classes? See the links at the bottom of Parenting Programmes. Also have a look in the Teenagers section of this site to see how to create a Family Contract and How to deal with a disrespectful teenager.
I think the family conference would be a good idea, make a list of topics you would like to discuss. Your girls are becoming young women and you can say to them that as you are all living under the same roof, it is time that you all respected each other. Get together some nice nibbles and a drink that they all like and share some family time discussing the future.
This might be useful if you have a one 2 one with your eldest, Louise wrote it to someone else ages ago, but I thought it might be relevant:
Thanks everyone, 19yo is talking now. We've had a bit of a chat about money. And I've told her that I appreciate her tidying and that I know that she is the only one who does. I need to figure out a way of having a family conference without them turning it into a slanging match.
Hi Rosedragon
When you have a family conference, I wonder if you could make a rule that when someone wants to talk they have to hold an item - a banana (probably be pretty squished at the end!) or a family favourite?
You could start by saying it is really important to you that everyone gets heard, but it is hard when everyone talks at once so how could we overcome this?? Then let the idea pop into your head and suggest that you can only speak when holding said item!!
Would that work, or do you think there would be a grab fight!!?
How was your Christmas?
Hi Rosedragon,
Although I, of course, don't have all the answers, there are some really fantastic parenting experts here and loads of 'normal' people, too, who'll give their input and try to come up with ideas and all of it together will help. You've come to the right place.
I have a bunch of teenagers myself (13, 15 & 16) and one who's 23 and not living here anymore, so I understand the walking into teenage arguments after a long day, and it's not nice. I've not had anyone not talk to me anymore for a length of time though.
We had a rota for housework for a while, that worked quite well, but has gone to pots now because people are coming and going at odd times (me included - i often work nursing shifts), but if I leave instructions things will get done eventually (takes nagging, too). I explained to them that I can't do it all by myself, and they understand, they're just not into housework... I've not washed their clothes for years now - I stopped because I'd do it all and give it to them to put away and then they'd pull out the bottom thing and everything would go all over the place and end up in the wash again without being worn. So I said, tough, not doing it anymore. That works well - they just argue over the washing machine for school uniforms on a Sunday night.
Have you thought of writing a letter to your daughter, saying just how you feel?
How are your other two seeing the situation?
Like I said, I don't have the answers, but others will have ideas and stuff.
Hang in there, you sound like you're doing a brilliant job! :-)