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i have contact with frinds etc, been out and about here and there lots of places recently, but i am STILL feeling isolated!!
I feel as if i am not part of the norm yknow? Maybe iots christmas coming up and its reminding me how larger families are having marge celebrations, whereas its just myself and my child, of which is being disrupted half way through as dad is part of the equation (this is what i asked for as i know its the right thing - but SO HARD!!!!!!).
Sometimes, i really wish i could have fallen pregant with a man that simply stayed with me. So frustrating, please give me some enthusiasm to carry on, and to keep getting stronger, i feel a bit shaky, left out and lonely :(
Hello pink lilly
A lot of single parents have that yearning for a bigger family and especially at Christmas. However, how often have you heard people with a larger family complaining about who they have to tolerate over the festive season? I have one friend with a small child and even though she likes her in-laws, she just wants Christmas on their own this year and she can't, cos of family tradition. For me, one of the biggest benefits of getting divorced was escaping from his family, heh heh.
However, I do realise it is not just at Christmas, if you are the only one of your circle of friends who has a child, or at least a child on your own then I agree it is very isolating. How about extending your circle in general? Have a look at our article Making New Friends. Don't discount older people, I have some really good friendships now with young parents/adults especially if they don't feel very supported by their own Mums.
Think of one or two things you could do with your son over the Chrsitmas holidays such as devise a little treasure hunt for him, learn some new songs, make a card for grandma, find a Christingle service at your local church, let him "help" with cooking.....
Loads of hugs pink lily.
Hi pink lilly. I can identify with that awful feeling of isolation, especially at Christmas time. Unlike you though, I don't have to share the day with my son's father. I come from a large family, only have contact with three of them, but don't get invited to theirs. I have asked before, but answer I got was they are with their 'own' families! (Thankyou, what are my son and I then?)
I long for my 11 year old to have a 'family' christmas, and I know it'll never happen, which still breaks my heart. We do have lots of fun though, and every year he'll say it's the best year ever!!
I guess it's all about staying positive, which is hard I know.
Yes I agree it is hard, you are obviously doing a good job though, Hazeleyes, as C is happy 
My parents are insisting I go to theirs for Christmas dinner even though I've said I'd like the 3 of us to have dinner at home this year.(We'll see them in the morning and I'll go there after dinner) It's just something I feel like I should do. They don't understand and think I'm punishing myself unnecesscarily.
Ironically the thing that is making me feel isolated is the fact that they're all worrying about me being isolated.
Ooh that's a difficult one, SA, it sounds as if they want you to feel included. Maybe you need to say to them that you really love it that they are thinking of you but you are really looking forward to a little celebration just you and the kids as you want to create some new traditions?
hi all, thanks for comments, been away so havent replied.
Im glad people can identify with how i feel, i feel as if my family really struggle to understand me sometimes.
Im scared about sharing xmas with childs father, as there will be a moment during the day where i am alone for a few hours (due to contact). How do i best use this time to feel as positive as possible?
I have thisa concern that my child will go to dads, have this great family engagement, then come back home to simply mee, i feel that he will be so overwhelmed down dads house, that coming back to our house is not going to compete ... with me?? I dont know how to deal with this feeling.
thanks all
xx
I know they're just worried about me but I feel like they're almost saying that just because it's only the 3 of us, it'll be a sub standard Christmas. I feel like us having it at home reinforces the idea that we're a family, this is our norm now. Also they're experiencing so many changes with their dads situation, I want to make sure that they have some stability here.
They'll be with their dad for a while too but I plan to make the most of it. Hopefully I'll get a new book or something.
I guess I'm really lucky to have family close by. Isn't there anyone you could visit pink lilly?
I'm sure your son relishes every moment he has with you- it's not a competition, you can only do your best for him.
There are lots of things that you could do with the free time you will have when your son has contact pinklilly, see if you can visit a friend or family, read like SA, watch a movie.
Have you thought that maybe it won't be that great at dads and your child will be happy to be home?
How old is your child?
SA you just have to reinforce what you want to happen this Christmas, i have spent many a Christmas trying to fit everyone and everything in and it's exhausting, then one year i decided that i was going to do what i wanted rather than what everyone expected me to, i now have the time to enjoy it.
I know, they think I'm going to be sitting here feeling sorry for myself but I simply feel like I have to do this. They mean well and like I say we will see them but I don't think there's anything wrong with the 3 of us having some quality time.
PinkLilly , my kids love going to their dads but they are always so happy to see me when they get back. I'm sure your son will be the same
SA you need to stress to your family how much you are looking forward to doing Christmas your way. And tell them that you promise them faithfully that you will give them a ring if you feel fed up or low, and ask them to give you a chance to experience this without the pressure of them worrying about you.
Pink Lilly, your son will LOVE coming back to you, you're his mum and he adores you, he might be all excited and telling you about what he has done (and that may feel hard for you) but show a massive interest and enjoy some lovely cuddles and one to one time
hi louise, i just want it to run smoothly, without me feeling sorry for myself because im alone for a few hours or because its very quiet yknow?
Yes, I understand.
Have a think about what you want to do with those few hours...would you prefer to spend time with others or alone? That way you have made a choice. If you choose to be on your own then tell yourself this is what you have chosen. Plan some treats, my first Christmas day after my divorce I had the boys first thing in the morning, took them to church then they went to their dad for the day. I had a film at the ready (one of my favourites) and I had curry for my Christmas lunch. I enjoyed both these and told myself how well I was doing and then spent some time listing my achievements for the previous year...I don't mean certificates but things like "I have been a good mum/I managed to arrange contact with the boys' dad/I have learned to cook two new dishes" that sort of thing.
If you think no, I would not choose that time on my own then you need to think about where you would spend that time,whether it is with your extended family or friends, or maybe just meet someone for an afternoon walk, that was another thing I did, I chose a family with a dog as I knew they would have to take him out....or you could offer to walk someone's dog for them and I bet you get invited in for a drink and a mince pie afterwards. There are also lots of voluntary things you can do to help such as at the local hospital or at a lunch for elderly people. There might even be someone lonely in your neighbourhood who would welcome a visit.
There's something here about taking control rather things just happening, make a choice and go for it!!! Good luck
thats great, thank you :)
Oh I am - I'm being stern and determined, they think I'm being bloody minded of course. The problem is my parents have been married 32 years, barely spent a day apart. Now, they've had their problems like everyone else but they've always been together and hence have developed a fear of being on their own. For me it never scared me because I was doing the right thing.
That feeling of isolation is normal , comes with the single parent package especially if the children have contact with the other parent, sometimes we end up feeling abandoned by them too. I think it's about feeling it and accepting it - sometimes we try to hide it and I don't think that's healthy.
Pink Lilly - you're obvioulsy very strong to be going it alone anyway - you can handle a few hours on your own. Hopefully, eventually you will be able to embrace it (hard to believe it right now I know)
Instead of dreading it , think of it as something that just has to happen and try to think of a way to fill the gap. There are some brilliant ideas on here.
Also, I do realise I'm very lucky to live close to my family and friends and my ex and his family but I know people who have big families and spend the whole season arguing and falling out - so maybe the yearning for the big family christmas is simply a fantasy and we should all make the most of what we have got.
thank you :)
Hello seriously annoyed, thanks for your helpful comments for pink lilly.
It's fantastic that you have a choice about where to spend Christmas, maybe you could look at it that having a choice is a better state of things than the feeling that you don't have a choice, which is I know what some members feel (who might be on their own without the kids, who may have no family who can/will invite them etc) One of the hardest things about being a single parent, in many areas not just this one, is a feeling of lack of control over our lives so I would like to highlight the positive that have come out of this situation for you, that you do have the choice and that's a big HURRAH from me
I have said how lucky I am to have family and friends who care and want to help, Pink Lilly has said she has too.
My point was that we can have all of this and still feel isolated. Strangely, the determination of others to make us fell included can lead to different types of worries and fears. I worry about them worrying about me.
I have an amazing support network as do my kids, there's no denying it. So you're right, I am lucky to have the choice but it doesn't stop me feeling alone at times.
We all just have to thank our lucky stars for the things we do have. As hard as it is to let them go, we are doing the right thing by our kids by allowing them that quality time with their fathers. They will love us all the more for it in the future.
It's great that you do have a support network, why do you think you worry about your family worrying about you?
I don't want hem to worry, most of the time I'm ok. I do get lonely and I do worry about the kids. However, generally I'm fine, I think they're waiting on me to fall apart.
I guess no matter how well I handle all the changes and how mature I think I am , I'll always be their little girl and they want to protect me. They hate me spending time alone when the kids are with their dad. I thinks it's because they wouldn't like it. They don't understand me and I know it has kept them awake at night.
I'm an adult and can only deal with it the best way I know how.
I guess then that only by "doing it" ie showing them that you ARE ok, will you stop them worrying or at least help them worry less.
I've decided to ask the kids what they'd prefer. if they are happy then I will be too, and in tuen hopefully the rest of the family.
Great idea SA, let us know what your children decide.
They're thinking it over - such little drama queens lol
So the kids have decided that the 3 of us have dinner at home, as long as we go to my parents in the evening and have dinner with them on Boxing Day. A compromise has been reached. Mum is still not overly amused but think she's a bit more accepting now.
Happy Christmas everyone, I'm determined that this'll be a great one for the kids!!!!
Well done, SA, it sounds to me as if that is a good compromise
Have a lovely Christmas 
Hi pink lilly, i can understand the being surrounded by people and still feeling isolated, i think it is all down to how we think about what is going on in our lives, once we can think about something in a postive way it tends to make things easier.
You are doing the right thing in sharing contact with Dad, it is just going to be tough on you whilst you make the adjustments to your situation.
Do you have plans for the holiday? people/family you can go see, or stuff you would like to do?