Five years on...

Hi everyone,

So, it's coming up to 5 years since I left my ex husband.  I shall be celebrating 5 years of Freedom on 3 June :)  I can never thank Survive and The Freedom Programme enough for the change in mine and my girls lives.

In the last 5 years I have gotten qualified with the AAT, got a full time job, learned to drive and learned to stand on my own two feet.  I remember the wobblies I got when I first left: how on earth was I going to cope with 3 girls on my own? how would I cope with the loneliness? how would I get by for money

I just want to tell anybody who is where I was 5 years ago, that you can do it, it is achieveable.  There will be moments when you get scared or feel regret, but there are also what I have come to call 'magic moments' (also called 'because I can' moments): buying yourself a treat because there is noone to make you feel guilty for spending the money on yourself; leaving the housework and reading a book instead, because noone will moan at you; lying in bed all morning on a Saturday; relaxing with the kids without the pressure of having to moan at them to tidy up before Dad gets home, watching the DVD that you want to watch without having to guess what he wants to watch and getting wrong until you are told you are useless and we might as well just go to bed without watching a film because now it is too late anyway ... and so, so many more.

Four years ago, we went to mediation and both signed an agreement that the house would be sold 5 years after separation, and that I would get 2/3 of proceeds of sale and not touch his pension. Also that he would put £20 month into a savings account for our daughter.

This year he has tried to get out of keeping to the separation agreement by offering me 1/3 of the value of the house which he would pay me out of his pension lump sum.  He was confident that I would accept, and was quite taken aback when I said 'no way'.

After both seeking legal advice, and he being told by his legal advice 'you've got no chance', the marital home went on the market in March.  And it is still on the market.  Estate Agent advises me that it is on for too much and isn't attracting buyers because it has not been prepared for sale (i.e. it's shabby and he won't pick up a paint brush). BTW separation agreement says in black and white that he agreed to keep the house in good repair so that it would keep it's market value.

So current objective is to nag him ragged to paint the house, remarket it with a more popular agent, at a believable price.  I have told him that if he refuses to do up the house and it has to be sold at the offer of £15k under asking price (£10k under expected selling price) then he can make up the shortfall because he broke the agreement and lost the houses value.  I have even offered to take time off work and paint it myself!!

It's amazing how you can stand up to the cowardly bullies when you have had 5 years to build up confidence and learned to believe in yourself :)