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I'm in a very happy relationship with a lovely man, who is everything that I had come to believe in my previous relationships a man couldn't be; affectionate without being smothering, patient, understanding and respectful of women.
My current problem is me.
How do you learn to trust again? I trust him. He has proved himself over and over again. And yet, there is a questioning deep down, at the back of my mind. A paranoid voice that won't shut up. I think that it is me that I don't trust. How can I be sure that I am not making another mistake, or that I am not deluding myself that he isn't like the others.
I have put him through so much crap, and he comes back. He understands what I have been through. He makes makes allowances for every mistake I make. He forgives every paranoid email and every insecure text. Is he really too good to be true?
Right now I'm not worried about me. If I drove him away it would be terrible but I know I am strong and I could live through it if I had to.
I hate hurting him. And I hate myself for hurting him.
I hurt him by looking for signs of abuse. I see it when it's not there. I have flashbacks that are triggered by stupid misunderstandings. He sent a text in capitals and I read it as shouting (to which I reacted badly).. it was a result of a flashback to an abusive episode which was only mildly related to the conversation.
I have done some research online. I'm not looking for a label or a self diagnosis, just answers, but I have come across the term 'complex post-traumatic stress disorder' which seems to fit.
There's plenty of info online about it which is all very helpful and comforting in the fact that this is a known problem for former sufferers of emothional abuse and that now I know that I'm not completely crazy.
However, there is nothing that offers advice about how to not let the problem affect a healthy non abusive relationship.
I have already been on the Freedom Programme. It has been 3 1/2 years since I left the abusive relationship. How long will it take me to recover? How can I stop hurting my lovely man? And is there anyone out there who knows what I mean?
Hi Anna,
Thank you, you have given me a lot to think about. I haven't seen a counsellor but I have been thinking that maybe I should.
Hi Rosedragon, a counsellor could be a great help with this, I have seen a couple over the last 17 years and they really help me to understand what is going on for me, why I react the way I do and although they don't tell you what to do, they certainly can help make sense of things.
Keep in touch 
Hi rosedragon just read your post and wanted to reply because I relate to it totally. I have been with my current partner 5 years - well I say current but I ended the relationship yesterday. He has ben to hell and back with me. My ex was a complete nightmare and when I left that relationship I had an attitude of "no man will ever get away with that again" and I convinced myself love was a mugs game and I didnt need it. When I got with my partner I was very cold toward him and had a "take it or leave it" approach to him.
My ex was extremely possessive and jealous so to make my partner realise I wasnt going to accept that from him I would flirt outragously and dress provocatively whenever the mood took me. he hated it but I would just say "if you dont like it then go". If he ever told me not to do something I would do it, even if I didnt want to do it just so I could make him see he couldnt tell me what to do. Somehow he stook by me and slowly I learned that my behaviour was not fair and I calmed down. I am much better nowadays although me & him still joke that he cant tell me not to do something because I will have to do it just to prove a point.
I think if your fella can put up with all the rubbish you throw his way you will eventually start to ease of when you see he is genuine. Good luck, I hope counselling helps.
Hi Rosedragon have just been reading your post and wanted to say that if you are considering counselling it may be worth speaking with your doctor to go over your options and see what they think, as i think that Cognative Behaviour Theraphy (CBT) is the most common theraphy for people suffering with post traumatic stress, this is different to counselling. (Louise will know about this better than me)
Both are good but in different ways, counselling you can just go and talk about stuff and with CBT it's about focusing on specfic things/behaviours/fears that are causing problems with day to day life etc.
How are you?
Hi, I can understand where you are atm. I am very lucky that I found my current bf he has heleped me make leaps and bounds in regards to trust. I was in a domestically violent relationship just over 2 years ago but I still have triggers that I am not even aware of. I find a push just to test if I am going to be let down even tho he has proved himself countless times. I went on the pattern changing course run by womens aid and it helped me. I still have amy issues but talking does help even if to a complete stranger, you are not alone x
Thanks for this shortstuff66uk, I am glad that things are better for you now and that you found the course helpful.It's good for people to know that you CAN move forward from difficult relationships
Hello again, and thanks for your replies :)
I haven't seen a counsellor, and I haven't been to the Dr to ask for help, because I am pretty sure that I won't be taken seriously. I went to the Dr a few years ago because my eldest daughter has a phobia of injections and at that time couldn't even have her blood pressure taken without fainting. She was having panic attacks at school during biology lessons. The school were convinced it was epilepsy at one stage. But basically the Dr didn't want to know, and I was fobbed off with the possibility of him writing to a colleague and nothing ever came of it.
Anyhoo, bf is being very supportive and I'm gradually being more able to talk to him. It gets easier every time I realise that something I say is validated rather than shot down with an abusive answer.
This weekend I was introduced to his family for the first time. This is a pretty big step. He hasn't 'brought anyone home' since his ex-wife and he has been divorced 15 years. I'm feeling pretty excited about this, but scared at the same time. It was lovely that they were so excited to meet me ("at last!" - his SIL).
I get the feeling that bf is guiding me carefully one step at a time, being very aware at how easily spooked I am.
That does sound lovely, Rosedragon.
Counselling may be available without going to the GP through local organisations, you don't neccessarily have to have a certain sort of therapy, there are lots of different ways to help what you have been going through.
Let me know if you would be interested and I will look into what may be available in your area.
Hi Rosedragon
Post Traumatic stress disorder is very common for people who have experienced abusive relationships. I am glad that you have done some research and that you have found it helpful.
I don't know the answer to your questions as such, however I think we do have to start with trusting ourselves. Something that you say you are not sure of? You could have a read of our article: Will I ever trust again?
There will be behaviours that you don't like and you need to be able to recognise them and nip them in the bud without feeling guilty or bad for raising these issues.
I know you feel this chap you are with has been wonderful for your family, but perhaps there are some behaviours that you are not liking? You said in your post that you trusted him, but your behaviour is actually showing otherwise.
If there is something that you have spotted and recognised and mentioned, then that is for your partner to deal with. It may be that he is hurt over what you have said, however that is not your fault. You have to speak your mind. He might be subconsiously pushing the guilt back onto you as you are such a great carrier of it.
No-one wants to hurt the ones they love, but it is a natural human emotion. You are not responsible over what hurts him and what doesn't. You can only be responsible for how you deal with things and I imagine you are probably quite sensitive and thoughtful over how you address things??
Have you ever been to a counsellor to explore your previous relationships?