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Hi everyone,
This is my first post.
I was in an emotionally abusive relatyionship for 18months, during which time I became pregnant. I left the relationship before my son was born 4 years ago. Since then, my relationship with his father has gone from being amicable (me sitting listening to his sob stories and self interested bleeting on) to openly hostile and abusive again. Basically, things came to a head in December when I confronted him, via email, about him slapping my son's face because he was naughty. My son was first of all inconsolable about it and frightened to go back to his dads house and then once he was able to talk about it calmly, adamant that it had happened and consistent in the story. He was 3.5 yrs when it was first raised and I think it's way to sophisticated a story for a child of that age to come up with.
So I raised it with his dad in an email (we can't speak to each other because kit ends up in a shouting match) I said "X told me that you slapped his face - I am not interested in the details but this sounds like a good opportunity to let you know that it was not ok" and he denied the whole thing and said my son made it up because he sees how "horrible i am to his dad". I have supported and encouraged their relationship and have gone above and beyond the call of duty to do this and to keep to arrangements in the futile hope that his dad will see that I'm serious about their relationship and treat me with respect. I realise writing this that I never really left the relationship! Since then, I have tried to set boundaries (i.e. your presence is consistent - he just went silent for 3.5 months between december and march); that you stop abusing me (I am the abusive party) and that you don't acuse x of lying about something that happened to him.
I have been met with more abuse from him and criticism from him mother.
I am pregnant again and in a stable relationship with a wonderful man, but i'm still traumatised by my exes past and continued abuse. My parents and partner try to understand, but they just can't and last night my mum said something that just sent me into meltdown. She said something about me always making stuff about blame. She just can't understand that an abusive relationship is in someways primarily about blame. Who's fault it is that one of you is being abused? If it's not his fault, then it's my fault. He used to fixate on relatively silly or minor incidents that seemed to "proove" that i was dishonest or immature and he still references some of those even now. But the main thing was, that it was my fault that he was abusive. My mum and I have a difficult realtionship because she was in manyways the "blueprint" for the abusive relationship in that she'd put me down a lot and i was never good enough for her, but i thought we were working through that. When I went into meltdown, she just started shouting at me and i felt bullied.
It's so hard, once someone has dismantled your personality and everything about you and used all your insecurities against you - because you "deserved" it to escape the pain. Especially when ANYTHING good that you do is disregarded in favour of all the horrible things you've "made" him believe about you. I really want to be free of him but I don't know where to start. It's tearing my whole family apart now.
Where can I go to speak to other suvivours - people who understand how it feels. I feel really alone. I thought I was coping with everything but as it turns out, I'm not.
Sorry it's so long.
Hi again Emma3. Previous post was a bit rushed, sorry. It's great that you have moved on and are now in a new relationship. Congratulations too on the pregnancy. How far gone are you?
Is your ex now consistent with contact with your son?
When your Mum shouts at you, have you tried telling her not too, and explain maybe how it makes you feel? I realise that might be hard for you, especially if you've never done it before, but perhaps now is the time to start. Practice what you would say to her several times, and when/if it happens again, you'll be ready.
Hi Hazeleyes,
Because of the slapping incident and the nature of his abusiveness towards me (which had me believing I'd done terrible things, even though i was certain I hadn't), I am insisting on supervised access now. I'm really worried that he might try and convince my son that it never happened. We're just in the middle of an email exchange whereby he's using all sorts of tactics to convince me it didn't happen (it's worrying you can be decieved by a 4 year old; he obviously can't manipulate me like he can with you; "i just think you've lost sight of who i am" (PMSL); you have no respect for me (true but largely irrelevant) and my family) - thinly veiled put downs. He even said he wouldn't agree to see my son on the basis that I believe he would do something like this.
When it first came out, my son burst into uncontrollable tears and was barely intelligible. Never seen him like that before. Since then, his story has been bomb proof. I think it's pretty dangerous to make a child feel he won't be believed if someone hurts him. This is way more of a concern for me than the slap itself. I know my child and there's just no way he could have made that up. Things he does make up are non-sequiter, rambling fantasies or really really simple things like "of course i've washed my hands with soap mummy".
I have responded by saying that my position is the same and that he needs to let me know if he wants me to instruct a solicitor.
It just p's me off that because he never actually hit me, he gets away with ongoing and untold abusivness and he'll never be held to account for it. There's no justice. But I guess that's just something else i need to get over on my road to recovery.
Re my mother, tbh we wind each other up. It's always been a difficult relationship and I did used to think "my god, I'm in a relationship with my mother" when i was with him, but I suppose growing up is about stopping blaming your parents for everything. We're moving out of here soon and I think some distance will be good for us.
I really appreciate your replying so fast - it's just so hard to unpick everything.
P.S. nearly 5 months on with the pregnancy - it's lovely to have the experience with a partner who's as happy about it as I am and isn't accusing me of god-knows-what all the time. Fairly certain he'll spend most of the birth passed out though - he's a bit squeemish.
xxx
Hi EmmaJ
Welcome and a massive WELL DONE for having extracted yourself from this abusive relationship. There is so much I want to say to you! so I had better make it into a list of points 
You are spot on: of course your son should not have been slapped by his dad but even more importantly it is about your son being believed. Maybe you could emphasise this to your son, along the lines of "if anyone hurts you or anything bad happens, you must always tell mum and I will always know it is true."
There is indeed a strong connection between your relationship with your mum, and the relationship you have had with your boy's dad. You could think about working through this with a counsellor, but in the meantime I strongly recommend you have a read of this book, which will help you understand the pattern of your relationships even better.
Next, have a look at our online Freedom Programme...this is a fab free course which will help you put the abuse behind you.
If you want to talk with other survivors then have a look at the Women's Aid forum. We also have some threads that discuss this topic, see here
How fab that you have a good kind partner and your boy has a decent male role model now. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl?
Sorry for long list!
Thanks Louise!!! I'll take a look at those links. And thanks for the good wishes with the pregnancy!
I did check out the women's aid forum last night - there were some shockingly extreme tales of really horrible violence, I felt a bit worried that my problems might be kind of trivial compared with people who are regularly being hospitalised... I'm sure they'd be nice - and it is kind of the experience I want to discuss rather than the particular MO... I don't know, maybe i'll give it a go...
I had another email from him this morning - he says he's not going to see my son if i take his (my son's) word over his! It's fascinating how he's really gone through a bunch of tactics to blatantly make me change my beliefs - and do what he wants. it's just incredible how transparent it seems now. That's sort of another thing that gets to me a bit, is how was I so stuck on him. I knew it was a rubbi9sh relationship when I was in it and i knew that i was changing my opinions for him - especially when I agreed to his less-than-generous interpretations of my character... urgh - i feel so stupid!!!
He seems to really NEED me to ?approve? of him in some way - like it's really important what I think of him - I guess i suspected when we were together that he really didn't think much of himself and maybe that's why he had to put me down - so that it seemed like he had my respect because I was on my knees begging for him to tell me how to make him love me.
This last email said loads of stuff about how I hate him but that I don't know the real him because I never had the chance to etc etc - he just sounds deluded.
Anyway, I am telling him that he should take a couple of weeks to think about dropping out of my son's life before he does so as it seems like a pretty rash decision to do it on the back of this recent communication.
I just a bit scared that if it does go to court or something, that he'll sound super reasonable and they'll think i'm some hysterical and manipulative woman.
Sorry to go on - it's just the first time i've really started to express a lot of these feelings around people who might actually understand them.
Hi EmmaJ, he would only go to court in order to obtain time with his son that you are denying him.....ie the opposite of what is actually happening! I would strongly suggest that you print out and keep that email he sent about threatening not to be in his son's life...you need to think nopw about building up a dossier about what has been going on. I know that sounds "calculating" but you need to think of yourself and your son now.
How very sad for a parent to be using withdrawing from his child's life as a threat, though....Does he give financial support for his son?
The other thing I wanted to say to you is that when we have been in an abusive situation we can tend to take too much responsibility, either we think the abuse must have been "our fault" in some way, or we think we need to look after our ex-partner (because the reason we put up with the abuse for so long in the first place was that we recognised his vulnerabilities) What you need to remember now is he is a grown adult and responsible for himself, including his own emotional processes. He is perfectly at liberty to access some counselling to help deal with his low self-esteem. It is not your role to continue as his emotional punchbag.
As for the abuse not being "serious" enough, abuse is abuse and some women say they would rather have had a black eye because at least there would be something to show for it.....in other words, emotional abuse is even more invisible. The Freedom Programme I mentioned above will help you get your head round this.
Let us know what you think after you have had a look at the links, and keep posting and chatting!
Hi Louise,
It is unbelievably sad. I feel like since I actually started showing some backbone about all of this, his madness has come out into the open alot more. I mean "believe what I say or I won't see my kid"??? WHAT??? It's indefensible!!!
I have kept all his nasty emails - and nice ones - and I believe I have a load of text messages downloaded on my dad's computer too so I have been amassing evidence for years, just in case it came to this. So glad I distanced myself from him before my son was born. I just regret encouraging their relationship so much, because I know my son will be devastated.
I can relate to somehow wishing it had been physical. He said recently in an email that I don't respect him - in a conversation with my dad, I said this was a reasonable assessment and that I didn't respect him. My dad said "oh, well, everyone deserves to be respected". I admit to hitting the roof a bit... if he'd put me in hospital I don't think he'd have been saying I should respect him. It's almost completely invisible to everyone but the victim. Except for when the victim is bent over screaming because she can't take it any more. It's like people keep letting slip that they think somehow I'm blowing it out of proportion or y'know, it was a normal part of a relationship and wasn't that bad. When that happens I feel like they're joining in - I think mostly they don't understand (though my dad has done a lot of research on DV for work). At least my partner has been unshakable though. He's amazing - never really questioned or undermined the fact that i'm still basically traumatised by it. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him and my son.
He won't access counselling - as far as he's concerned, he doesn't have a problem at all. He seems to have a very rose-tinted view of himslef and the hell that was our relationship - if i ever raised the issue of him being abusive, it'd be awful. He really thinks I deserve everything he says to me "i'm telling you this for your own good - if only you'd see how awful and unreasonable and irresponsible you are, you'd be so much better". I've never really pushed the issue because he's probably not going to change and it'd just be me back in the firing line.
I tried the link to the freedom programme, but it didn't work.
Thanks again for all your support. xxxxx
Hi again,
Sorry to hear that the Freedom Programme link was not working, it is working on my computer! here is the link again, above. If for any reason it is not working on your computer then all you have to do is to click on "Home" on the top left of the page and once you get on the Home page, look halfway down the right hand side of the page and click on where it says Survivng Domestic Abuse, ok?
Hi EmmaJ and welcome from me too.
I am sorry to read about what is going on for you. As you can see from our Relationships and You and the Separation and Divorce Discussions, we are often sharing experiences of abuse and violence here! So you are not alone.
You are absolutely right, no one can understand the effects of an abusive relationship unless they have been in one. Your mothers comments about 'it must have been something that you did' are very sad to hear, because that is exactly what your ex wanted you to believe (and you did probably believe it) and your father saying that 'everyone deserves respect' are very typical - very similar to my own parents.
However you know what went on in your relationship and I do agree everyone deserves respect - until they show otherwise.
One thing that I have learnt is that at first I used to blame my ex for his behaviour, then I blamed myself for his behaviour. Now I know that I can only blame myself for staying and allowing his behaviour. I don't give myself a hard time, I was under his influence at the time, which was his goal, but now I am free and that is my doing, so I am now free of blame!
I love the Freedom Programme, I hope that you get lots out of it.
How often do you see your ex?
Thanks Anna,
It really helps to hear from people who have been there.
I don't see him at all at the moment - and haven't been on good terms since August when I got a bit cross that he hadn't seen my son over the summer - just called every few weeks i think - and he was all "I have other things in my life you know - you're controlling" etc. My mum was dealing with it. The the slapping thing happened and he disappeared for 3.5 months and then reappeared in MArch saying he'd been ill! right - I was pretty ill over that period too and I didn't just break off communication with J (my son).
Blame is a massive thing - it's all about the blame - but yeah, just as he had a choice about being abusive, I had a choice about staying. And I feel ashamed that I did - though i realise it's a stage in my recovery...
Since your relationship ended, did you ever confront your abuser about the abuse? As I mentioned, I've never named it to him - I know he'd just come down on my like a ton of bricks, and if it got to courts then I would probably have to, but part of me wants him to know. But it would just be provoking a row and the important thing now is his relationship with J. Which he's threatening to end now anyway. He's so petulant!!!
Hi Emmaj
Sorry to read about what has been happening but glad that you got out of an abusive relationship.
I did what you have asked, and spoke with my ex about his behaviour, thinking that i was helping, he would want to know, get help and change his ways etc etc, it actually made the situation worse, it made him be more verbally abusive towards me, and he is still in denial today to that aspect of his personality.
So i would advise not saying anything, as you say it could just provoke him, and he probably won't want to listen about himself anyway, if it gets to the court stage, it may be better if it comes from someone offical that his behaviour has been abusive.
OMG Emma - did you date my ex? Seriously, my heart goes out to you. I too was / still am a victim of emotional abuse. It's soul destroying isn't it. I didn't even realise this fell under the umbrella of domestic violence until 2 months ago. Have you contacted 'women's aid'? Well done for finally taking that step to leaving him even though you have to have him in your life because of your little boy. I just wanted to know that you're not alone. What ashame your family have reacted the way they have :( I coudn't of done it without my Mom and Dad. Have tears in my eyes trying to imagine going through it without support of my family. Thank goodness you have your partner. You are an inspiration by moving your life forward and not letting your insecurities hold you back like I am. {{{{huge hugs}}}} xxx xxx
Hi Natalie,
I did try to contact Women's Aid on the weekend, but need to call back this week. I've had a lot on recently what with pregnancy and everything, but I realise that I'm now at a new stage in my recovery process. I started with a therapist - who was amazing and was the person who helped me see that it was abuse. I feel like going back to her might be a good idea but maybe I need to see someone new instead...
I think the hardest thing for me - even though therapist, friends and family kept on saying it was how to not be too hard on myself. I think a previous poster said something along those lines here - I didn't even know what it meant for ages - sometimes I still loose sight of it.
Don't get me wrong, my family were great at the time but now it's four years on and they kind of developed a relationship with him during a less hostile period - and it's not that they blame me, it's just that they weren't there so they don't have the knowledge of him that I do (and he's the type that puts on a good - if boring and self-pitying - show infront of other people). And that makes me feel vulnerable because even though i've kept most of the emails and many of the texts from during the relationship, it still feels like it's my word against his. And since he'll make out that i'm seriously mentally ill if he ever get's wind of the fact that I am labelling him abusive, it's kinda lonely, even with the support.
I'll check out your posts.
xxxx
Hi Emma,
Here's another link which may be useful.
http://www.narcissismfree.com/support-forum.php
I've found it's a great place to find information and help with the recovery process. I've also done the online freedom programme and would thoroughly recommend it.
Emotional/ psychological abuse leaves scars too - they're just invisible. To the outside world, the person who made your life hell looks like Prince/ Princess Charming and/ or the victim.
I would also suggest that you Google some of these terms which will hopefully help you understand what's happening: projection, gas-lighting, crazy-making.
I find the Women's Aid forum a bit scary too, but imagine if those physical injuries were hidden .... mental abuse!
Take care of yourself - you are absolutely right to believe your son.
- Jacs x
Hi EmmaJ - I too wanted my ex to understand the extent of what he had done - when I asked him, he just denied it or said he didn't remember. So that was completely pointless.
You are thinking that you would be talking to a reasonable person, but in this instance he isn't reasonable at all, so I would hold that discussion for now.
Don't blame yourself for staying. You were manipulated and controlled and confused into staying. This is not your fault, you were in love and wanted to make the relationship work. He did a good job - but now you are back in control and you have left him.
You say that your counsellor was really good, why would you not return to them?
Hi Emma,
I've not tried the Womens aid forum, I find this one really good and the ladies so supportive. I'm 33% of the way through the 'Freedom Programme' on here. It's SO good, pretty eye opening! makes you face up to a few facts hey. It's good you've seen a councellor. I'm not having councelling yet, had to wait about 3 or 4 weeks to hear from Womens Aid, and now on a waiting list which could take 10 weeks. The thing that shocked me from the initial assessment meeting is that she said although I'm not 'in' the relationship anymore I'm still very much under his control :( I'd do what you feel comfortable with with regards to your councelling you say your last one was good, like Anna mentioned, why not go back to that one? Hope you're ok xxxx
Hello Surviving Mommy
It takes a deal of time to really break free of the shackles of an abusive relationship. Breaking away is the first step (and a major one at that) but there are other things to be worked through too. Glad you are fnding the Freedom Programme so helpful
Hi all,
Firstly, some happy news. We found out that the baby is a boy!!! We were a bit surprised as had suspected it was a girl, but we're very happy. Baby due in November! I'm already practising my Peggy Mitchell impersonations: "ma boys".
I am looking now to wind up contact between ex and myself - it's really not getting anywhere - last night I sent him an email saying that he should take some time to decide whether he wants to stop contact with my son on the basis of me believing him (my son) over ex and if so, could he please just leave us to get on with it. Got a quick response saying that he didn't want to stop access he just refuses to be "accused and convicted" of something he didn't do by me - drama queen or what??!! I responded by saying he needs to let me know what he wants to do. I predict (as I sometimes like to do to for fun) that he's going to send me a properly really nasty email and then agree grudgingly to the terms I've set out (supervised access, no mention of slapping and letting us know if he's not going to be around for a while). Let's see if I'm right.
Do people ever post emails from their exes on here - I think the last exchange between he and I might be pretty interesting - it kind of illustrates some of the tactics they use. If no one has any objections, I might do that in another thread. MODS? Would that be ok?
On the subject of my counsellor - she was awesome. And helped me to see what was going on, however, she's a Gestalt therapist and they're kind of process orientated (i think). It might be worth a few more sessions with her, but I think she got kind of close to it - so she'd say things like "why do you still let him get to you?" and her professionalism slipped a bit and she'd be kind of really annoyed about his behaviour - which is understandable, but at times he does get to me and I don't know why... I (still have to figure it out...)
Also, I think the last few months is the first time I've ever actually firmly defined and defended my boundaries. Before i think I'd just say what I wanted/didn't like, he'd chuck his toys out the pram and i'd turn the other cheek (which duly got slapped further down the line). Now I'm standing firm and sticking to my guns - which I hope will be some sort of therapy in itself... also, I think what I really need right now is communication with others who have been through it. My main concern now is that i'm actually being reasonable in insisting on professional supervised access rather than letting my parents handle it (which I think makes him think they are on his side) or letting him do what he wants. My son is really sad and misses him, but I just can't send him somewhere where his head might get messed up.
Will check out those other terms/sites, Jacs - thanks very much.
Also had a look at the Freedom Programme this morning and it looks useful. Though he doesn't fit any one type - his MO was a mixture of a few - however, what was glaringly obvious was what he was not - i.e. all the things on the "good man" sheet - if i didn't have my OH now, I'd never have believed that those men existed!!!
Thanks again guys,
E.
xxxxxx
Hi Emma,
Couple of thoughts - your counsellor was probably getting annoyed to show you that it's okay to be annoyed. Sometimes, I think we minimise things - turn the other cheek - hold the anger in, so that it becomes second nature not to be angry anymore, then we go into yucky depression.
My therapist (God bless her) has helped me to pull out of a deep depression and encouraged me to be angry as part of the process of moving forward.
Freedom programme - my ex is a mixture of a few too - I suspect that's 'normal' 
. I was surprised to find numerous traits that put him in all categories, rather than the few I immediately identified.
- J xx
Hi Emma J,
Sounds like you are taking control of the situation, which is great...otherwise you could get locked into an eternal wheel of vitriol with him. If your therapist is into Gestalt then she would think reaching an ending of the dispute was a very good thing! as do I.
We would not encourage you to copy emails from others onto the site. This is because it is a communication written by them to you and they had no idea it may be published on a public website. However, if you want to discuss it you could say something like " I had an email from my ex accusing me of xxxxxxx" Hope that clears up that issue?
Ok, I'll leave off posting the messages - fair point.
You might be right re the counsellor - and she was good - I think she'd be proud of me for finally setting some boundaries - it's funny how these concepts start out as totally meaningless and then start to make sense when you actually do them. One morning you wake up and think "wow, I just set a boundary last night!"
I reckon he'll take me to court over access - which is fine really - I don't know if they'll grant supervised access but I can at least put my case there... My dad is really worried about it possibly going to court or getting solicitors involved, but I've kept all the email correspondence and tbh I'd be keen to not have to deal with him directly...
I reckon there'll be more setbacks coming up, but I do feel pretty strong about thing at the moment.
I think you are doing great, EmmaJ. How are things progressing with the pregnancy?
Ahh well done Emma, sounds like your life is working out really well for you :) so happy for you. :) xxx
Hi Emma3. Welcome along. I'm so sorry that even though you're in a new relationship, you're still suffering. At the bottom of your post, you've asked where you can go to speak to other survivors. Not sure if this is any good for you, but have a look here
As well as that, we, at One Space, will also offer you support, friendship etc, so please do keep posting.