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Hi Everyone
My name is Wayne . Sorry if I am on the wrong site as I am after some advice but dont know where else to turn now.
My Story so far sorry if it is to long
About 7 weeks ago my Girlfriend of 12 years said she loves me but is no longer in love with me. We have a lovely baby girl who is 2 and i would do anything for them both. I have been in bits for weeks now as everything I have tried to do has not improved anything. I work hard full time and we have a nice house and cars and like everyone else money is a bit tight at the moment. My girlfriend has now said she has grown apart from me because we did not go out enough as a couple even though she says she used to like to stay in with me and our DD. I admit we did not go out much but that is what i thought she preffered. She also says she has lost her independance as I have done to much for her in the last two years which she says she has let happen. How can you do to much for the people you love. I am very hands on and do all the cooking and shopping and things like that. I am a hands on father and love her and my DD to bits and will do anything for them. She is the perfect mother to our DD and says that she has changed in the last year or so , so everything was fine before ,she was happy before and in love.
The major bombshell for me now that she is opening up more than 7 weeks down the line is that she also feels left out when me and DD are together. I work fulltime and only get to spend time with DD for an about an hour in morning and evenings weekdays and then at weekends. All i want to do at the weekends is spend it with girlfriend and DD as a family which we have done. My girlfriend works part time 3 days a week as we agreed it was best from the start that she gets as much time with our DD as she can. I have even moved out of our house to give her the space she has asked for so i can try and save everything.
She is the love of my life and I just dont know what else I can do to save things. At the moment we are talking about joint legal and physical custody as this is what she wants. All our family want us to work things out but she can not see past her feelings as they are now. She remembers what it used to feel like being in love with me but can not get past her feelings now. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have argued in 12 years. Our familys are in complete shock like I am at the moment with what is happening.
At the moment nothing has changed and she still wants to seperate. I am lucky that i get to have my DD from Thursday evening up until Sunday evening but every sunday I am in bits as i have to hand my DD back knowing that we should be trying to work through this but she can not get past her feelings as they are now. One problem in 12 years and this seems to be the end of things.
Sorry if it is a long post just really need to know if things do get better in time as i think we are going our seperate ways and how do you get through the pain of handing back your DD when you want to spend all week with her and girlfriend still.
Thanks in advance for any advice
Hi sparklinglime
Thanks for the advice. Both families live close by ,I have suggested we do things now that she is opening up but she can not get past her feelings now which is the major hurdle. She talks like it is all over yet she remembers how she felt before we had our DD. She says she does not want to feel the same in 6 months time but when we talk she talks about 20 years down the line when DD is grown up. I really dont know what else i can do except let her go and see what happens in the future when she realizes she had her independance and everything all along.
Thanks for your support
Hi Wayne. Welcome along to One Space. I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I was wondering if perhaps your girlfriend had a bit of depression? From what you say, it seems to have changed since your daughter was born, and your partner refers to the times before the birth. Just a thought there Wayne.
Perhaps she does miss the time spent just as a couple, although of course, relationships do change when kids come along! Perhaps, you could maybe, once a week, go out together, or if finances don't permit this, cook a meal indoors for just the two of you. A night out at the cinema maybe?
You've done the right thing I think by moving out and giving her space. It will give you both time to reflect on a few things too. How about going to relate, either on your own, or together, if she is in agreement.
Please keep posting, so we can all offer you support.
x
Hi alisoncam.
Thanks for the reply, I have mentioned about depression but she says she feels fine. I have asked her to see a GP as nobody admits to being depressed but she does not want to go even with the reasons she is giving me wanting to seperate. I have also mentioned about going to relate but she says she does not want to speak with people like that even though it could help us. I really dont know what else to do now except let her get on with things her way and hope in time she will see what we had and can still get back is worth a try.
Hi Wayne. It must be extremely hard for you, having suggested these things and everything. I guess for now, keep on doing what you're doing. Pick your daughter up, drop her off etc. You sound like a lovely guy, but sometimes things don't work how we want them. Give your partner some space, tell her you're always there for her, (I'm sure she knows that already).
So, do you get your daughter tomorrow night? Children adapt to different situations a lot easier than us adults.
Hi alisoncam
I am lucky as i get her from 4p.m. tomorrow night up until 6p.m. sunday night so i get good quality time with her . She is a very happy 2 year old and seems to be enjoying herself at the moment because she is getting spoiled by the grandparents. She does know what is going on because she is singing twinkle twinkle little star when she is with her mummy but changing the words to sing twinkle twinkle no daddy no daddy.
I guess i have to be strong for her and hope in time things will change with her mothers feelings. How long do you hold out for?
I don't know if there is an exact answer for that one Wayne. How long do you hold out for? Your situation is still so very new, and obviously so very raw. It does sound like your partner is extremely confused, seeming to want what you both had before your daughter was born. I'm not saying at all, that she regrets having her, as you both sound like fantastic parents, but like I said in a previous post, things do change when kids come along. You mentioned before that your partner feels left out when it is just you and your daughter. Do you mean since you moved out she has felt this way, or has she always felt like it?
Hi alisoncam
She has now said she feels left out between me and DD since we have had DD for a while. This is something I am struggling to get my head around as we agreed from the start that she would work part time so she spends more time with DD than I do which is what we have done . At the weekends we spend it all together as a family and do family things when we can. I have asked her if she can explain more about this but just says that is the way she feels. I admit we have put DD 1st when we need things but is that not what you do when you have a 2 year old for a while.
Hi Wayne. I agree that children always have to come first, no matter what. You were together a long time before your daughter was born. Can I ask if she was planned? Sorry for the question, but maybe that in itself could have something to do with how your girlfriend feels. Please don't feel you have to answer that question. I've been trying to find a website that might explain why she feels as she does. Louise, one of our moderators, is very good at finding things on the web, which may be useful for you. She will be along at some point during today.
Hi alisoncam
I dont mind answering that, thanks for all your support . Our DD was planned as we talked alot about how life would change for us both before we started trying. We both agreed this is what we wanted and now we have our lovely DD. I would never had thought having such a beautiful DD could break two people up. May be i have taken to family life better even though she is a great mum and girlfriend and would do anything for anybody.
I guess planned or not, it doens't always work out, as lots on here will tell you. I've been on my own since day 1 of the pregnancy. I had split with the father, and have to say we weren't together for long before I fell pregnant. I did the decent thing, and told him, but because I wouldn't get back with him, then he totally didn't want to know. Long story hehe.
Have you spoken to girlfriends parents? Are you on good terms with them? You've already said both sets of parents want you to get back together, so perhaps having a word with her Mum? The depression, if indeed she has it, can happen years after the birth, so it doesn't have to happen straight after. My niece has a daughter, and when she was 2, my niece was diagnosed with depression. She loves her little girl to bits, and with help, she is now much happier.
Hi alisoncam
I hope things have worked out well for you sounds like you have gone through an awful lot and come out on the right side. Hope i can do the same.
I have spoken to my girlfriends parents we get on very well and they are as upset as i am. All the family have spoken and listened to her but she still feels the same and can not see past her feelings now. We have all said to her that depression can happen years after birth and it can not do any harm to see a GP but she says she is fine.
Hi Wayne. If it comes to it, you will also come out of this ok. This seems to have all come out of the blue, and has hit everyone hard. I'm afraid, you just have to sit tight for a while, and see how things progress. Just carry on being a great Dad, and even though you're going through a rough time, carry on supporting your partner, if you feel able too that is. It wouldn't do any harm for your girlfriend to see the GP, but this of course has to be her choice. It took my niece a long time to realise that she had a problem, and my sister (her Mum) was always telling her to go to the Doctors. One day, my niece woke up, and knew she had to do something. She was and is a great Mum, she looked after her daughter, played with her etc, did the 'normal' things, and just didn't want to admit that anything was wrong. I really do hope that everything will work out for you in time, but please keep posting. We're all here for you.
Hello Wayne
Welcome to One Space, I am one of the moderators here. I am just taking this opportunity to say hello in between my meetings today (it’s not usually this hectic) but just to say I will be along to write a proper post to you this evening with some suggestions, okay? In the meantime, I see that alisoncam and sparkling lime are giving you some good support and information. I am so glad you found us, will post again later
Hello Wayne
How are you this evening?
I have been thinking about your post and am going to give you my honest response to it and also some suggestions.
You have already thought of some things that might help, such as a trip to the GP or to Relate and you say that these have fallen on stony ground. You also mention that the extended family is really shocked by what has happened and want it sorted out. Of course I understand perfectly where you and the family are coming from but I am just wondering if these suggestions have made your partner feel as if she is being “put in the wrong”, ie she must be ill to want a separation. When a woman has a child, especially if her partner works and is very involved in the day to day household (as you have been) then there is the possibility that the woman feels submerged, losing her identity and purpose. Her purpose then becomes totally centred on the child, and she resents anyone else impinging on that “territory” even the other parent. She may feel confused by what is happening to her and seek to lay the blame on a partner (eg “we never do anything as a couple”)
Please do not misunderstand me: I think it is fabulous that you are a loving and involved dad and are happy to take on your share of the household chores, I am just trying to think of things from her point of view, which I hope will enable you to understand her a little more. I can tell you are really shocked and puzzled about what has happened, as well as full of distress at your separation from your beloved daughter.
So let us look at practical things, here are my suggestions:
1. Ask your partner to start having those wished-for nights out with you NOW. Say that you can just do so as friends and co-parents if that is better for her at the moment
2. Ask the extended family to back off. The last thing your partner needs is extra pressure.
3. Tell her you accept that she does not want to go to counselling. Ask her if you can both review the situation in a month. Have a look at this site here, which is a way you can work together online rather than having a third party involved
4. Consider having counselling yourself, either through Relate or privately, to help you deal with your very understandable feelings at this awful time
6. Remember that you cannot make anyone do anything, so it may be in the end you are going to have to accept this distressing situation.
Finally keep posting, we will keep supporting you......
That is a fantastic post.
Do keep posting Wayne.
Hi Wayne. You'd have picked your daughter up by now, so I hope you have a wonderful time with her. I'm sure she was delighted to see you 
Have lots of fun and laughter together, and don't let your parents spoil her too much, (as if, hehe)
Hi Louise.
Thank you for the advice. sorry not been on sooner as been out on the road working .I have asked her about going on dates and all she replies with is this is the way i feel at the moment. I have asked her if she just wants to be alone and have her independence and she says she does not know all she knows is how she feels now. I have asked her about losing her identity and again only answer i get is this is how i feel now.
I suppose i may be need to leave it a month and then ask about going on dates again. Not to sure what else to do.
Hi alisoncam
All is good with my little DD thank you . she is getting spoiled rottern at the moment by everybody but she deserves it. We are going to have lots of fun this weekend and she is the boss so we will do whatever she wants which at the moment means making hundreds of cups of tea a day with her play set. I have never made so many cups of tea before.
Thanks again for your support
Hi Wayne. I think it's a good idea to leave partner alone for a while. Just pick your daughter up, drop her off, and basically just hold conversations regarding your daughter. If partner wants to talk then fine, but if not, I wouldn't mention anything. Give her the space and time that she needs, to work things out in her own head. In my opinion, you have tried everything. This isn't to say that you should give up, but it is now down to her I feel.
Have a great weekend with your little un. Keep pouring and drinking the tea, hehe. Does she have all the playfood etc? My son used to love all of that stuff. So pleased when finally I got shot of it There was only so many burgers, chicken etc that I could stomach, lol.
Take care
Hi alisoncam
She has all the playfood ,cookers, microwaves etc to a real chef. It is good fun to play with but i know what you mean about burgers, chicken etc
Already looking forward to a fun filled weekend with the boss.
I hope the weather is good too, in case you have plans to step outside the front door!!! Very windy at the moment. I volunteer at my son's school on a Wednesday and a Friday afternoon, so I'll be blown there I think!!! This weekend, I've told my 8 year old to go through his stuff, and de-clutter, with the hope of throwing things away. (some hope there I think)!
Take care of your self some too : )
Yes, taking care of yourself is important too.
I remember getting my daughter a kitchen as she loved the one in the toddler group so much. She never looked at it!
Have a great weekend.
Hi Bubblegum & sparklinglime.
Am trying to take care of myself too, gone mad an joined the gym at the weekend so got the induction tonight which should be fun or painful but also had a great weekend with DD making lots of tea
Hi Wayne
I'm so sorry to be reading your post.
I'm also sorry to bombard you with things here...
Are both your families close by? As they are shocked, are they able to help here with babysitting so that you can both perhaps have the odd evening out?
Are you able to work less hours - even if it does mean changing your lifestyle to do this?
Does she want to try and work things out?
As for the pain of handing over a child/ren with contact arrangements, it does get easier, as it does become a routine - to the child/ren as well as to both parents. So long as you are both positve about things with your daughter, and hold back on the emotions until she's gone, she will grow up seeing it as positive.
The best thing for your daughter too is to keep things as amicable as possible.
One thing I learnt, is that it does take two to want to work things out though.
Do keep posting, as we can offer tremendous support.