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Hi,
I've joined this site because I am at my wits end! I have 2 children with my ex husband and he was always the best Dad any child could ask for! He was there for Christmas and birthdays, school plays, family parties and generally had an excellent relationship with both my children and myself. Our moto was always 'broken marriage, not broken family'.
Then he met someone else......I wont go into details as I believe bad mouthing my childrens father helps neither myself or my children! 4 years down the line my childrens father has access every other weekend and sees the children on school holidays.
This is still a fantastic arrangement, don't get me wrong, but we have issues arrising and have now reached complete communication breakdown.
My children always came home on a Sunday night having had their dinner, and they had tea with me before baths and bed. Now they come home only having had lunch, as their Dad now says they have lunch at lunch time with him and dinner at dinner time with me. This again is not a problem..... However when I asked to organise a set time that the children will be dropped off, so I could have a healthy dinner waiting for them, he refused stating that they would not run their Sundays around me. I now get a text from my children when they are leaving, which gives me an hour and a half to get home and have a dinner waiting. It isn't that it's impossible to do this, but I can't make any plans on a Sunday, either for before or after they get home. The children and I quite often get invited out on sunny Sunday evenings, family BBQ's etc and I can hardly ask others to arrange times for eating at and hours notice, so we don't go!
Things reached breaking point yesterday when he text me to tell me he and his new wife had booked 2 weeks off work (in 2 weeks time) and would be having the children for a total of 17 days! There was no warning or notice given just a statement of fact! My children have appointments and family plans already in place over those 17 days and my eldest child has been enroled in a sports club, which he discussed with his Father 4 months ago and has been wanting to go to for 4 years! Pre-season training starts in 2 weeks and he is greatky looking forward to it. I've said that without notice or discussion I will now not move all the plans I have in place for my children's summer holidays. My eldest child, particularly, does not want his arrangements cancelled.
Do I feel guilty? Unbelievably so!! But it has now come to my eldest child acting as mediator as my childs father refuses to answer his phone to me, something I was informed of in a recent email from his new wife. It's the children who have rights to contact, and contact is not being refused. All I ask for is a little consideration, and to stop being made to feel like I am being unreasonable to ask that my childs father has a little respect for the Mother of his children.....I am not a non entity, and just because his new wife now has marrital rights, it does not mean I relinquish my Maternal rights.
Hi Belle. Welcome along to One Space. It's such a shame that things have changed, perhaps it was to do with the new wife, or it could have simply been down to the ex!! You are not being unreasonable, so please stop feeling guilty. Your eldest wanted to carry on with arrangements already made anyway, so it's not like you've said no or anything. Even if you had, your ex and his wife should have given more notice, and informed you of their plans to begin with. They cannot simply spring it on you. If your ex isn't answering calls from you, could you perhaps e.mail him, explaining your plans? Then again, do you think he would actually get the e.mail? I mean the wife could easily be reading and writing back on his behalf??
Please keep posting as others will be along at some point.
Thank You hopeful,
It is good to hear that my situation is not unique and there are other mothers who go through it too.
I think the most difficult thing for me is knowing what to do for the best. My children are the most important thing in my life, as I'm sure every mother can relate to, and my children hate to hear when there are problems. I have often been accused by my ex-husbands new wife, of making my children unhappy by influencing their decisions! Every time there is an issue I sit them down and tell them again that I will do what they want, that I only want them to be happy.
My ex's new wife does have insecurities about me, for reasons which I know but will not go into. It's tough not to rant and explain the sheer hell we have been through over the last few years, but her insecurities have rocked our little family to the core.
However, I will attempt to write a letter to my childrens father, and hope that I get a mature response from him.
I also hope you have resolved your issues now, I never thought I would be here......wearing the badge of the 'dreaded ex-wife'. It's the most frustrating situation in the world, especially when you're only trying to make sure your children have as normal a life as possible.
Thanks again for replying.
Hi Belle, you awful dreaded ex wife you! Welcome to One Space.
I think you have all the answers already, not only within yourself, but others who have posted too.
Hopeful - everyone is welcome to post comments and welcome newer members, you have some very useful points and tips for Belle, so thank you and keep it up!! 
Belle - We don't know if it all down to your ex's wife, your ex, or your ex trying to make his wife happy. All we know is how it will affect you and your children.
I agree that a letter (+ email, if you think one might not get there) may well be the best way forward, explaining how important your sons sports club is to him. How important that you all get along is and also how important open communication without involving the children is.
Maybe the letter goes to him and his wife? Get her on side? It sounds as though you have had some issues with his new wife, but she is now part of the equation, or dare I say.... family now.
Your situation is absolutely not unique unfortunately unique, although unfortunately I feel you have been lucky to have the first 4 years go so well.
It must be so frustrating for you, as it sounds as though you are being and have been very accomodating for the childrens sake and now getting no respect for that.
Try and keep your letter as factual as possible. Offer solutions and alternatives that work for you. Once your ex has had a chance to respond, I am sure you are prepared to compromise as long as everything has your son's best interests at heart. However you might want to say in the letter that if this can't be resolved, then perhaps you will have to talk via Mediation.
Could your other child perhaps go for the whole time or are they booked up too?
Hi Hazeleyes,
Thank you for replying, I had no idea until I wrote my post how much these problems really have effected me. I seem to spend my life justifying to myself that I'm not the bad guy here, and although my family tell me that constantly, it's good to hear I'm not going completely crazy!
I think you hit the nail on the head there, any email I send would not be received or replied to by my childrens father! The main probelm is I think he listens to the voice in his ear, rather than the voice in his head. I have been told on more than one occasion that his life has changed now and the children will just have to get used to it.
So happy to know I'm not alone!
Hi Belle,
my issues have resolved themselves as my ex husband has not seen the children in years. They know, though, that it's not their or my fault - I really did try what I could.
Good luck with your letter!
Oh, and it's ok to have a rant, you know!?!
...should have probably added, it's his choice he's not seeing them. Not ours. I would make it possible....
Hi Belle, he sounds like my dad! He split with my mum when I was 21 and two years later met and married someone else.
We had always had a great relationship until he got married. And then he changed. He doesn't seem capable of thinking for himself. Maybe this is a male trait??!
Maybe it is time to get the new wife onside?
Thank you for your advice Anna,
I will try and keep the letter as factual as possible, and state what I believe is best for the children and what I suggest will resolve the issues.
I understand that it may help if the letter is addressed to them both, but I have tried to resolve the problems by speaking directly to my ex's new wife in the past. It didn't work!
I also have to battle with the fact that any suggestions I make are translated by her as me 'telling her husband what to do with respect to his own children', but I will not be negative.....I will try this approach. Don't ask for advice if you're not willing to take it right??
Also my youngest son has all the same plans as my eldest, with the exception of the Rugby training, so unfortunately sending them separately is not an option.
Thanks again for your advice.
Hopeful, how awful for you that despite your best efforts your childrens father still chose to walk away. I myself had little or no contact with my Father growing up (a reason why I am so determined to try and not let my children suffer the same) and although I had a wonderful mother and doting step-father I still felt the force of knowing that my Father chose to take the easy option and walk away, rather than stay and work through the dificulties. A cowards way out in my opinion. He walked in to my life occasionally, always treated as a super hero by me, and walked out again just as quickly!! I only now realise how upsetting this must've been for my Mother and Step-father, as the constant in my life, both financially and emotionally. My step-father now reaps his rewards however, as he is a very much loved Grandfather to my children. Children do feel torn sometimes but if they do get back into contact with their Dad, and you make all efforts to accommodate this, he will never get those years back. I find it outstanding that Fathers walk away, yet a mother never will. And good on you for being so polite .
Anna, I know people who's parent have split up well into their adult years. Some fathers in this situation do take the view that as you are grown 'you know where they are if you need them' (again my own father!) if fact ironically enough it's my Fathers new wife who contacted me recently to introduce herself and try and arrange a meeting.........negtiations are ongoing 
However in the case of my children things are not so simple, effort has already been made on many occasions. I understand that on many occasions the emotional view of a woman, especially if she is mother herself, can kick an absent father into gear! Sadly mine is no such case.
On an up side, I have contacted my ex to compromise the holiday situation. I have moved an appiontment so that they can go for 5 days, then home for a day, then 5 further days. Finger crossed, though he did just suggest my 13 year old get the train on his own. Just waiting to hear back.......
Oh no, new goal post!
doesn't see a problem with him getting the train on his own, from Clapham Junction.......here we go!!!!!!!
Hi Belle. Would your ex normally pick the children up? If so, why now would he think your son could get the train? Made me laugh with 'here we ****** go', hehe. Deep breaths girl, deep breaths, lol.
Hey Hazeleyes,
Excuse my profanity, I shall remove it.
I used to drop them off and pick them up, but when there were disputes over petrol he started meeting them (us) at the train station. He has done that since. He asked my son if he was ok with getting the train on his own, he said ok and so apparently case closed, but I'm not happy. It would be different if he was travelling in a group but on his own, I am concerned for his safety and it should be at everyone's discretion. I did look it up and legally it's ok but deemed only so if it is unavoidable, and that ideally he should be accompanied. It is my opinion that it is only his Fathers unwillingness to make the additional 30 minute journey and so therefore not an unavoidable situation. Once again they give something, only to take something back!
To make matters worse the discussion I had, via text, was not with My ex but his new wife. It was his mobile number but my ex's strong point was never spelling and grammar. The texts were too well written and more than a little condescending. But I didn't mention it. I'm just waiting for the fall out.....
Hi Belle, you didn't have to remove it. I would probably have said worse, though of course not allowed on the boards
If you're not comfortable letting your son travel on his own, that is up to you. I would probably feel exactly the same way to be honest. As for the texts, it does sound as if the wife is (can I say interfering).
You can.....it's probably the best way to describe it. Although they would call it different, rights as his wife....step Mother etc.
I've not heard anything back yet with regards to my objections, though I'm not hopeful. It's usually the calm before the storm.
What brings you on here? I'm not one to talk so it's taken alot to get me here.......
Hi Belle
Sorry things are so difficult for you here.
I was in a similar position, as in he chose a new path in life and I had to deal with it...
I hope that the compromise you've put forward is accepted. And I wouldn't be letting my child on a train on their own either.
hey Belle,
Hope your situation works out without getting too inflamed. I am dreading my ex finding a new partner as I know that will complicate a situation that is currently working in that i am being way more easy going than i should be.
I never saw my dad when I was growing up - moving country will do that, for that reason, I am really against moving back to South Africa - I know this will invaribly remove the kids dads from their lives almost completely.
I and my mum have to make arrangements that don't involve their dad as much as we try - holidays etc, although he is invited he is... dis-organised ? put it this way - his work booked him a week off as he had not taken that holiday time and would just lose it if they had not done it for him.
So if you have arrangments and the dad has without warning requested the kids I can't see any reason why you would agree with that? A kid on a train by themselves? again no. Texts from his new bird? Errrrm maybe stick to phone conversations?
Good luck though... I hope it works out somehow... :)
Hi Belle
I can imagine any new wife/girlfriend would feel as though the mother of his children would be 'Telling her husband what to do with respect to his own children' and I can imagine how inferior it would make her feel. Little does she know that some of our ex's need to be told what to do!!
She knows you and he have had a bond, and that your ex is pretty reasonable and basically 'She wants to be the one telling her husband what to do with respect to his own children!'
Its a shame that women don't recognise that if their new bloke treats his ex and his children well it is top marks for him, it shows a promising future for them.
Anyway regarding your son on the train. I feel that you are unhappy at being pushed into a corner, that you feel it is unreasonable that your ex won't come and pick him up and that you would bend over backwards for your children and now your ex does whatever suits him (errmm, or his wife!).
I work full time and over the years during school holidays although I have paid out to summer clubs, after school clubs, friends etc, there were times when I didn't have the money, so my only solution was to ask my mum to have my daughter stay for a few days/week. Anyway, my mum lives 1.5 hours away and when my daughter was 13, my mums car had gone into the garage and I had to go to work so couldn't drive to her. The solution was to put my daughter on the train.
I was nervous and ringing my daughter every 15 mins or so, ringing my mum to make sure she was at the station, ringing again to make sure they had met each other etc. Of course, it was fine and after doing this a couple of times, not only did my daughter gain some independant confidence, it gave me a sense of relief that I wouldn't be needing to drive up and down the country!!
Now this was easier for me, as it was my decision and at the time, it kinda had to happen, it was the only solution to a problem, but what I am trying to say is that if your son is ok with going on the train, the law says it is ok and you trust that your ex will definitely be there at the other end. Maybe you could do a trial run? (I made my daughter sit in the quiet carriage too!)
Of course if you really feel your son is not ready to make such a trip, then that is absolutely your right to not allow it.
I wonder when you write the letter you could say that you don't want to be seen as 'Telling her husband what to do with respect to his own children', but rather ensure that the father of YOUR children pulls his weight. Although I am sure you have already considered this!!!
Hi Belle!
Nothing new to add, really, just thinking of you! x
Hi Guys,
Thanks for all your helpful comments!
I made a breakthrough today! I spoke with my children's grandmother who suggested I phone my ex at work as he is more approachable when not at home.
We managed to get everything sorted out. I voiced my worries about my son travelling on his own and he said that although he understood my need to protect him, he wanted to have the independence. So we are now doing one extra stop each. I am driving one more stop up the line and so he will only be on his own on the train for one stop. For now until I get used to the idea. My ex also said he was very happy my son was joining a Rugby club and once the new season starts both my children will be brought home on Saturday evening, ready for the game on Sunday, so no more issues with times and dinners on a Sunday. Definitely a distinct difference in the tone I usually receive if I speak to him in the evening when he is home with his new wife! So lesson learned there, from now on if I have anything to discuss I will phone when he is at work....and any emails or texts in the evening will not be replied to.
Aaaaannnndddd breath!!
Thanks for all your uplifting comments and support! x
That sounds really positive! My son started going on the train by himself when he was 13 - 2 stops - to school because we moved town and he wanted to stay at his school. Worked fine!
Good that you seem to have a working relationship with the grandmother! xxx
Thanks Hopeful, I'm sure once I get used to it I'll be fine. It is true that I struggle with giving my children a longer reign. Something they understand and are patient about!
I have a fantastic relationship with my childrens grandparents, they are in fact on holiday with them at the moment. xx
Hooray, I will pop out and get some Celebrations!! Your mother in law has the whole thing sussed!
What a brilliant plan for now on. Contact him in the office. I will remember this for the future. Might even consider it with my own dad!!!
So pleased you got it sorted. The evil Step mother huh!!! At least you now know to ring ex at work. Well done to ex mother in law, well done you, and hurray to ex hubby (sort of) for having a back bone without his wife being there. xx
aw wow, that is great news.
:)
Hi, so sorry to hear about your situation, and you are definately not alone! I unfortunately have been through similar problems. Everything always has to be on the kids dads terms even the childrens needs are pushed aside for his and his girlfriends, i get bypassed and he speaks to kids before even asking me and it makes keeping a healthy balance for kids near impossible. I think you need to stand firm as he needs to understand the children have a life and they arent objects you can pick up and put down as and when. They need to have a say to what their summer entails and his needs arent more important than theirs. How you make him understand that i really dont know! I'm still trying to win that battle myself! Just keep doing whats best for your children and be strong.
Hi Jo jo,
I was having the same problems a few days ago, then I took the advice of people on here. I did speak to my ex about the fact that he was speaking to my children about contact without talking to me first. That when he arranges things with them that they can't do he only puts them in the middle of a discussion which they shouldn't be involved in. When he texts me I don't text back anymore, I read...and reread the message, think about it then send him a message to say I got his text and could he phone me to discuss it, which he does (so far!) This avoids arguements as I am guilty of replying too quickly, without thinking it through, and text messages can often be read wrong. Try calling your ex and ask him to please call you and not put your children in the middle. I thought I was going to have a nightmare when I did, but I was friendly and so got a friendly response. If he has your children's best interests at heart, as you do, he will understand and comply.
I think what I am trying to achieve is a level of communication. My children do have plans in their lives which will sometimes effect their contact with their Dad. But I also realise that he will sometimes have things come up which will effect these arrangements, as will I.
I received a message this morning. Arrangements needed to be changed as a family member of my ex has got engaged and is having a party. I called and spoke to him.....human response again!! yay..... My eldest is going to the party and I will collect him from the venue later in the evening to get him home for Rugby the next morning. It means a drive into London, but my new partner, who doesn't live with us, is going to make the drive with me.
I am trying to be flexible in the hope that flexibility will be returned when needed. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for all your positive comments, I am thinking positively....
xx
Its all sounding good, well done you ! 
Hi Belle and everyone
I have been away so am just reading this today. Firstly WELL DONE Belle for achieving the progress you have made and, as you say let's hope it sets the pattern for the future.
Secondly it seems a general experience that when the other parent gets a new partner that contact might change.....and ALL of us can learn from this in terms of perhaps speaking to the other parent as the change is happening, to pre-empt any changes and...dare I say it.....being aware just what "power" the new partner might wield and either trying to establish a civil relationship with them or at the very least realising what is going on. You have been very perceptive in this, Belle
Thirdly I would like to say that it is not just dads where this happens, mums walk away too and there are many excellent single dads, on this site and elsewhere.
Finally (phew!!) the question of children travelling alone. One thing I always find really helpful is to think of what the next stage in the child's life might be. So for example if a child is 9 or 10 I might think "He/she has to be able to cope with secondary school in two years, what skills do they need?" And for Belle's son I might think "He will be 16 in three years and by then will need to be able to do more or less EVERYTHING independently, might even be in fulltime work and is legally old enough to get married....so what can I do here and now to start preparing him with the skills he needs to be that 16 year old?" What you have agreed about the "one stop on the train and building it up" sounds absolutely brilliant, Belle. I do think as single parents our tendency is to protect our children more and so letting them have that independence is more of a challenge for us but the method of "what is the next stage in their life?" seems to work really well.
hi, i am sorry to see someone else shares my pain, i thought i was reading my own story as i read this, sadly i am not any the wiser and its my first day on here. I think its his partner and not him..she is in control, lets hope these men find thier b*lls soon. ciao
Hi paula
I do feel it's a matter of choice though. He could choose not to be controlled and to put his family first...
I agree that it is all about "power".....and also his choice!
Hi paula1976
It must be painful for you to see your childrens father be dictated to by another woman and not making his own decisions.
Do you want to share your story?
Hi Belle,
- I don't really feel like it's my place because I've not been here five minutes myself, but - Welcome! Like I said, I've not been with this site long, but everyone made me feel instantly better and not so alone!
I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want to stick to the plans already in place for the holidays, especially with the sports thing for you son that he has been looking to go to for so long (surely, if it's four years he's been waiting for it, your ex is aware of how important this is!). I also don't think it's unreasonable to agree a time to return by on a Sunday.
My ex husband tried to get my oldest to be the go-between, too. This is not good for the child as he becomes the rope in a tug-of-war. In the end I wrote him a letter, setting out visiting times and offering him holidays etc, and I told him he was to talk to me, if he needed changes, not to my son as I was the adult. Maybe that would be worth a try? You could start with saying that you really appreciated how well it worked in the past and you'd like to go back to that sort of open communication?
It may also be that your ex is influenced by insecurities from his new wife and she is trying to make her mark? The children are a part of his life that she had share in until now, so she may feel threatened?
Stick around, there are 'proper' parenting experts here, who will give you (probable much better) advice!