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Hi everyone,
I'm having a really bad day today and I don't know why. I went to see the midwives this morning and asked for referral to a DV support group and going over the story again just set me off I think. Then I came home and tried to talk it over with my parents - stupid because they don't understand and I know I'm just setting them up to fail really, but I just wish they understood more. I know they don't know how to be supportive and they do care about me, but I just feel really let down by them. Which is ridiculous because I'm flipping well 30 and need to start coping with this stuff on my own.
I'm also mad at them because they've encouraged me to encourage my son's relationship with his dad and I now feel like I should have been tougher and firmer in the beginning but I didn't trust myself to be because I was so angry with him (abuser) and didn't want to act out of anger - I guess I still blamed myself a bit.
So now I'm feeling pitifully sorry for myself and being cross with myself about that and let down by my parents and cross with myself about that too and just bloody stupid and alone. What have I been doing for the last 4 years - why aren't I over it? I realise it takes time and it might take 10 years to sort through it all, but when all gets on top of me i feel so crushed by it and i just want the sadness and anger and frustration to all just stop! When's it going to stop?
I feel like i'm finally on top of my relationship with my son's father - since I armchair diagnosed him as having NPD i've realised that not feeding his needs is the way to go, but I haven't heard from him in a week and this just puts me on edge knowing it's going to happen sooner or later but not knowing when. Will it be on a day when i'm feeling ok or will it be on a day like this? And really it doesn't even matter because I know i'll deal with it anyway.
I just don't know what to say to my son when he crys about daddy going. My dad says don't say anything negative about him but I don't want to leave him thinking that it's ok to be treated like this.
I actually called social services who put me in touch with an organisation who deal with domestic abuse and I have an appointment with them tomorrow, but I'm nervous about that. What if they think i'm blowing it out of all proportion? What if it turns out I'm just crazy like he says?
I think i've just kind of internalised the principles of how to deal with him - i.e. not reacting to his horribleness - and maybe for the first time in all these years, i am actually free from the relationship and maybe that's prompted all this introspection about it - perhaps I'm actually starting to get over it rather than waiting for the next abusive interaction. I think it helps to see him as mentally ill - which if he does have NPD, he is.
I really wish I'd tried to get help for this sooner - I thought it was already over with, but maybe while they can still get to you, part of you is still in the relationship. I'm kicking myself a bit about that too - i guess this is where I need to remember to be kind to myself... I feel like I've just woken up to it all.
Hi EmmaJ,
Take your time tomorrow, tell your story - you will be heard and you will be believed. As Louise said - it WILL get better. xx
Hi EmmaJ,
I hope today has been a better day for you 
How did your appointment go today?
Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven't updated this for a while. Things have been a bit manic with the pregnancy and stuff. But everything's going well there and I'm feeling better about a lot of things now.
So, I went to the appointment and they were really helpful!! The main thing is that they managed to get me onto this 6 week course about dealing with the after effects and the emotional recovery of an emotionally abusive situation. It's just a pilot scheme so no one's really sure of what it's going to be, but it was just great to be in the same room as people who I didn't have to explain everything to.
They've also put me in touch with a solicitor who's going to charge a bit less - I'm not really sure I need the appointment at the moment but I might take it just to get a picture of the legal situation.
They've also suggested an art therapy class for my son, which I was initially uncertain of, but maybe it could be a good idea - it might help him to work through his feelings and it might help me to know how to talk to him about it.
Thanks again for all your support - it makes a difference having a space to vent about things sometimes.
xxxxx
Hi EmmaJ, I'm Mary, a new moderator in these parts
There is no need to apologise for not updating us on what's going on for you; it sounds like life is hectic, in a positive way on most fronts.
I'm glad to hear you decided to go with the idea of art therapy for your son - some young people find it really helpful to use an alternative method of communication (other than words) to let others know what is going on emotionally for them. I hope both of you find that this is the case.
Feel free to come and vent whenever you please!
Hi EmmaJ
Firstly let me tell you that WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS NORMAL. It is even harder to move on from an abusive relationship when you have children with the person and therefore have not broken all contact.
The organisation that deals with DV will have lots of experience of helping women who have been through troubled times and remember only YOU have lived through your own times, so it is up to you how you feel, no-one can tell you what you "should" be feeling.
If you hear from your son's dad and it is a day when you do not feel good, put the mail or the text to one side until you feel able to deal with it. It is not good to bad mouth your son's dad to him but I understand what you mean about not endorsing his dad's behaviour...so how about acknowledging his feelings without being too critical of dad....something like "I know you feel sad that dad has gone, I wish I could make it better, I really do, sometimes grown ups can behave in ways it is hard to understand but I will always be here for you to cuddle you and care for you"
I totally agree that it is disappointing and frustrating that your parents just don't "get it." When you did the Freedom Programme did you receive a copy of the book "Living with the Dominator"?I was wondering if a read of the book might help them along
But at the end of the day you might have to just accept that they will never understand.
You're doing fab, EmmaJ, and as time goes on, it WILl get easier.