Hi,
Found onespace through the freedom program, then found the freedom program forum which has now been shut down :(
Thought I was doing okay but clearly not.
My ex used the court system to bully me as well as SS and he went for full resisdency claim me to be unfit and to try and get the house. The outcome of it all was that the courts split the children up in half as best they could with the majority (just) in the courts eye going to me. Saying it was the best solution for children especailly vunerable ones. That's a joke. (reality is I have them for 5 days a week him 2)
Since then he seems to stick mainly, to the bits that are down in black and white like the term time arrangements but not the bits that have to be worked out between us, he is slowly not wanting them for any longer than he can get away with and he is starting to come up with excuses of why he can't have them over his period at times. I am just waiting for him to become the victim and say that I made it too hard for him to see his children, like he did with his other kids.
The one thing I am struggling with is when they go to thier father for his time. I am happier when I send them again if they have come back well and happy, but this is rare.
This time, in front of thier father they said they didn't want to go. They know I have to hand them over. I never bad mouth thier father and I let them talk about him and what they do.
I have learnt to deal with the fall out and the transitional period when they get back home only then to have to let them go back again.
I have to live two very seperate lives. I am not allowed to contact them when they are with him, he won't allow it and they are too young to contact me without an adults help. So I have to live a life where I am a single person and then one where I am a single parent.
How does anyone make the switch back and forth all the time? I am struggling with the arrangement and I know my children are too, but we can't get it changed so will have to find a way of dealing with it.
Thank you for the reply
I did right a reply back but it was lost. Court order in place of well over a year.
Great family but they live more than a drive away :(
Great friends, but even I am sick of hearing about me talking about this situtation.
Did have friends on the freedom forum, who had been where I am just going through or we were going through the same thing so whenever there was a wobble or even a feeling good about things there was a friendship that truly helped. But that was shut down suddenly and like this forum we never got a chance to swap email address with each other. So left out on a limb.
Then there has been christmas and new year, and I was given the chance to spend a lot of time, well in the current climate with the kids, family and friends. We started to gell nicely together again and things were working well with me the kids as a family unit and they were even singing to themselves everyday.
Now we are back to the long weekends away every other weekend and they didn't want to go as well as the midweek over nights. The kids even told him they didn't want to go, but as they are primary and junior school age their voice doesn't count, nor does mine. So I hand them over and off they went. I have no idea how they are doing because he refuses me contact with them when they are in his care.
in thier words we love our Daddy, but why do we have to spend so much time with him? Can't we just live here and stay only one night with him?
He has also informed me that he is going away for a short while, but has ignored my emails to him asking what is to happen to the children when they are supposed to be in his care during this period? He hasn't said if they are going with him and he is taking them out of school, or if I need to look after them and for this I need his written confirmation to me and the school to say so else I will be breaking the court order, or if they are staying at someone elses. I have put in tenative arrangements to care for them should I need to.
So yet again without any adult converstation he trying to control the situation and not thinking of the kids. this as much as I try not to let it adds stress.
And yet again I am having to be the single person, pretending I've not a care in the world, having time off from being a Mum, when my heart is being ripped out and I have no idea how they are doing.
I still don't know how to do it.
Sorry that was a ramble.
Aww suneagle, welcome to One Space from me 
I am sorry to read your story, it sounds like you feel stripped bare and you are just having to carry on.
I am wondering whether you would consider contacting our Legal Expert on where you stand now. If the court order has been set for a year, perhaps that is enough time for it to be reviewed as it doesn't seem to be working for the children.
We have a Freedom Programme forum (click) here on One Space too, it is pretty quiet on there at the moment, but please feel free to leave a post there as a lot of our users are doing the Freedom Programme both here online and also locally. I am sure you could offer a wealth of support.
I am wondering if you are able to contact the childrens school to see if they know if they are being taken out for the 'short break'?
Thanks Anna
The order has been set until they are 18. The only way of changing it is if he descided he wants to change it or the kids behavour become a worry with school. That I am pertrified of because he is an absolute charmer and women, litterly drop at his feet or make all the excuses for him, then turn around and blame me for things I could have possibly done, facts don't come into it.
I have to sit tight about the away period at the moment. School are supposed to tell me they know what he is like but they still see me as the neurotic one.
Having just got the SS off my back I really don't want to see them ever again. And the only reason that happened is because we moved area and he couldn't charm this one. The other SS had told me they would never shut the case and would make sure that would get my ex everything he wanted (even to equipment needed as they are disabled). Again lies as they didn't and don't have the authority to do any of that, but the judge believed them and the children miss out. But at this age and size things are still just doable.
However my kids are coming out comments and mimics, again that tells me all is not well in thier fathers world.
I was told that I would adjust to the new arrangement and that I would get used to and enjoy having time to myself. Bollox.
I might have been able to get used to it, if he was a good father, but he is not. So I wait and hope. Though Women's Aid tell me he is unlikely to ever go away and that I shouldn't have contact. Well that can't happen either as the court order requires us to have adult conversations about the children, holidays, appiontments etc. Like normal caring parents who love and want the best for thier children.
So I try to get on with my life I even have started out on a relationship, well of sorts, but I get flash backs which tells me I am not ready. Pity because I really like this guy, but if it is meant to be then it will wait. I am trying to take everything slowly, day by day and as though I am back at school. Relearning my life all of it, but still a great big ball and chain attached to my ankle, whislt balancing on a tightrope without anything to hold on too. Hard enough but when someone swings the rope for fun to see if you will break, fall, frighten you etc, not fun and not fair.
Just want to be on a stable grounding and to be able to move forward so we all can be happy.
I am really glad to have found this place the first time and I am glad to have you still here. I have been glancing through some post and there seems to be some good support.
Sorry again that was long, just guess I have been holding on to it and it has been eating me up inside again.
Hi suneagle
I think it helps to get things off your chest.
Are you saying that the children don't have the right disability aids when they are with him? What do they need?
If you knew he was a good dad then it would be easier to move forward with your life and think OK I miss the children but there is some time for ME now. In a sense, you know, even though you have all these worries, that it what you must do anyway. Remember that the way to withstand his attempts at control is to build your confidence and that can be something that you can really concentrate your efforts on. Have you had some counselling? Would you think about a new activity you could do when the children are with him?
Hi suneasgle, I can see how tough a time you are having, but I just wanted to say how poetic your words were.
"balancing on a tightrope without anything to hold on too. Hard enough but when someone swings the rope for fun to see if you will break, fall, frighten you etc, not fun and not fair"
Beautifully written and something a lot of people on our boards would recognise.
Thank you
Hi suneagle and welcome to One Space
Sounds like you've been through a tough time, your doing the right thing in not saying bad things about the childrens father as this can effect how children feel about themselves.
Have these arrangements been decided recently? if so it can take awhile to settle down into that kind of routine eventually it sort of just becomes part of normal life.
You said that you had thought you were doing o.k, but have changed your mind, what triggered that change of mind?
Do you have friends and family that are supporting you? How many children do you have?