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(NOTE FROM MODERATOR: his thread follows on from what hazeleyes was posting in Parenting Support, under the "difficult child" thread)
I think your friend could well have a point with him trying to be an equal. Is this your friend who was a teacher?
What spoilt thing for my now 12 year old was the fact his friends brought PSPs and itouches and just played games with each other.
Perhaps a solution would be to take the PS away when his friends are there, and to stop them playing at his friend's house too.
While there's peer pressure for them to have these things, what I've found with this lot that the computer (as in they don't have one each!!!) and what games to play does create the most hassle. That's where the timer comes into it (and often works).
It does get harder as they get older too, and being children, of course, they know better. I have no idea what the solution is. I am sorry that he's being so rude. What ever happens between now and Friday though, don't change your mind. He reckons you will, so be strong and don't.
Come Monday, cancel the volunteering or the maths and have some time out. You've been ill, and you need time to recover from that.
Perhaps ignore needs to come into play (with front door locked and key well stashed about your person), so he can't run off. If the sun shines, perhaps he needs to be doing some gardening to make up for this.
When I "don't speak" to my lot, I will answer reasonable questions (as can I have tea) but don't do any chit-chat. It has worked before - and sadly, its failed miserably!
Loads and loads of hugs.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
You saying no and sticking to it will perhaps be his punishment?
I'm lucky in that I can go to work for time out 
They're away for a couple of days, so work today consisted of feeding the cat and sitting in their conservatory, reading the latest Hello magazine (I don't buy mags).
I haven't had time out at all this holiday, 
That's why Friday would be sooooo important for me, right now I'm not even thinking about C and his time out away from me, (which I do normally). He was such a different child this morning, like a demon, bashing my bedroom door, throwing some clothes around, pulling a mattress out, (to try and barricade the door). I went into his room, and trashed a few bits around, totally childish behaviour I know, but I just saw red.
Things are going to change in here, don't know how or what, but it's definately changing. Took his snooker table out earlier, and said it would be returned in 4 hours if he behaved, and I didn't have rudeness. I actually don't think it does bother him. Ignoring sounds good, telling him, (as tiredmum said) that I'm disappointed in what he has done, said, whatever.
My lot hate the I'm disappointed in them. But then that's probably when they're ready to listen.
He's been put in my bedroom. Kids are playing dare, told me if one or other didn't do something then they would have ice-cubes down their necks. Told both of them together, this was definately a NO. Both understood. What do I hear 5 mins later? Rummaging in the freezer, 2 of them. Told both off for disobeying what I had said, then sent C to my room. I know it doesn't seem fair maybe that I sent him to a room, but he's mine, she isn't. Did I do wrong? I couldn't have waited until she'd gone though could I, as a punishment has to carried out then and there?
You had to do it then and there, and call a halt to what they were doing,I agree.
Now hazeleyes, you have been a very valued member here for a while now and I feel I can speak very frankly to you. I hope you can feel Ok about this. What I was thinking, reading your post on this and other threads, is that you keep "seeing red" as you put it, saying or doing things and then regretting them afterwards. This is feeling like a pattern for the last couple of weeks, do you think that is fair comment?
Did you read about the drawing a circle exercise I mentioned on the "Difficult child" thread? That might help you to see how you are locked in a vicious circle. Yes the Family Contract thing is a possibility but tends to work better with older children.
Here is the most important bit: the absolute key to turning this around is you NOT losing your temper. That is not to say that it is your fault! As C gets older and even more clever, he will see clearly that he can control you by provoking that anger. Young teenagers get great satisfaction in thinking they have controlled their parent and/or their environment. If C starts to do this now then things will be more difficult later on. It is important that he sees he cannot control you by provoking that anger. As Anna says, your house, your rules. This can be said in a quiet and firm way, noo need to get cross, you could almost say it in casual way as if you were saying you don't mind if you have tea or coffee. Don't smack or shout: he may be a clever boy but you are cleverer than him and can outwit him! 
The ignoring that sparkling suggested is a possiblity. Hard to do with another child there but once it is just you two, then ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good. STAY CALM. If you stay calm for 20 minutes and then eventually see red then there was little point in the 20 minutes of calm. If you decide to do something like trash his room (although I would not recommend it) then do it because you have decided in a calm frame of mind that it is the best thing to teach him what it feels like to have one's property damaged. Myself I would be ASKING him how he would feel rather than me doing it.
Perhaps there is something in a combination of firm, calm parenting and on the other hand, thinking about more grown-up freedoms and privileges he can start to have. You have just over two years until he has to go to secondary school and the time can be used very successfully in building him towards the skills he will need. The privileges and freedoms can be earned, using a sticker chart. Don't use a chart just for "being good", it is too woolly, the chart is for specific things like getting ready for school on time, or going to bed at an agreed time etc. I know there is sometimes an issue with him being in bed late, or should I say going to sleep late. Get him to agree to go to bed at a set time, he does not have to go to sleep. What he does have to do is stay in bed and not keep calling you into the room, asking for drinks etc. Your part is NOT to keep checking on him...in other words, you acknowledge that he is getting more grown up.
It is very hard on your own. I know I used to be tearing my hair out with my two, and with no real breaks.
Please do stick to your guns about the sleepover, it sounds as if things have been quite explosive for you today and you both need a calmer, quiet time
Sending you lots of positive vibes and strength, remember short term pain for long term gain
xxxxxxxx
Hi. A great post Louise, and a very definate fair comment. Even though it is me saying I see red, when I read the first paragraph of your post, it actually brought me to tears, because I'm reading it in black and white, and it's about me, if you know what I mean. I know that me losing my temper isn't the right thing, and if I don't nip it all in the bud now, things are going to get worse. Tonight I did the ignoring method, that was really hard, his friend was still here, plus her Mum and older sister. C's friend was kicking off with her Mum, and all hell was breaking loose in here. I just wanted to scream the place down to be honest. They didn't leave until 11pm!!! As soon as they left, C told me he was sorry, but I knew that one was coming. So predictable. I calmly explained that it was late, I didn't want to really talk about things, but tomorrow we are both going to sit down, as earlier I had written down rules, for both of us, so I'll go through them with him. He does know that tomorrow's visit to his friends is now off.
I am wrecked, a thumping head, so have taken sleeping tablet, and going to head off to bed. Thankyou for the post Louise, it's given me a lot to think about, and I shall also consider the stuff about the grown up privilages.
Bless you, hazeleyes, I had to say what I thought was best. If you can make a plan of action now, things will start to get easier for you.
I would truly recommend that you set curfews for people coming round so that the youngsters don't get too overtired. "We both love to see you but we need to make it curtains at 9 o clock as otherwise C gets over-tired"
Hope all goes better today
Hello. Well, so far C and I have had a long chat, none of us raising our voices (good sign). He honestly seems really sorry about his recent behaviour and attitude. He can also see that even though it's a brand new day, I'm not forgetting any of it!! Shown him the rules that I wrote down, and he thinks they're fair. Explained to him that all through his life, school, home, work, etc, there will always be rules to follow. It is going to be hard for me, I realise that, but mulling over recent things, it hasn't gotten too out of control, so I'm sure I can pull us both back into line.
Thankyou for all the advice.
Loads of hugs and strength coming your way.
xxx
I really hope today is a better day.
Hi hazeleyes
It sounds like you are having a much more positive day today.
Tiredness is such a major factor in a childs life. Even though my daughter is 16, if she goes for a sleepover, or she stays up with me to watch a late film (which is a treat and we have a lovely cosy time) come the next day - she is usually a real pain in the neck!
I think we are having a fun time, but actually it is unfair on them. C doesn't want to be naughty, or lose control and nor do we. So I am glad that you both have a couple of days of quiet now to get back to normal.
Is he playing in his room today and giving you some space?
C has been great today It could of course be his way of thinking, if I behave, she'll change her mind about going to see his friend. I'm not changing my mind, am sticking to what I said last night. He also knows his behaviour today depends on what happens tomorrow. He has done some homework, which I'm pleased about, although he hasn't completed it all, which I told him this morning, was what I wanted. Not raised my voice once.
The tiredness Anna, I agree with you on that one. Even as adults, we can't keep up with late nights, well I know I can't. I also get cranky when I'm tired, so of course it must be the same for the children. If we don't have visitors, (like last night), even through the holidays, I think 10pm is late enough for him, sometimes, it's earlier. When their routine is changed, it takes them a while to get back into it.
I have spoken to two friends today. One is C's friend's Mum, they come from 2 parent family, the other a single Mum with four children. C's friends Mum is also having a rough time of things, but I had to point out, she can have a break, she has the support of a great hubby and great Dad. The single Mum can identify with me more, she also has great advice, and is a tremendous help, even though she has her own problems!
I am glad you have some support nearby, hazeleyes. Well done on the calm rules. You are so right: sticking to your guns and being calm and consistent.
The thing about bedtime, just a sneaky tip. If you want him to start settling a bit earlier, you could, say, put him to bed for 10pm for a week or so and once he is settling nicely at that time, you then put him to bed at 9.45 for a week....and so on until he has the bedtime you want him to have. Don't let him know you are doing this, though, heh heh.
Uhmmm, I thought the good behaviour was a ploy to try and trap me, and I was sooo right. Have to say though, he did ask about an hour ago if we were going to his friends, and in a nice quiet tone, I said no, that I'd meant every word I said. Also told him he'd been great, so he can go tomorrow off on his own with my friend, and if he continued being this good, I would see if I could organise something for Saturday with his school friend. He's accepted what I said without moaning, stamping, grunting at me, or anything. Of course, this is only day 1 hehe, but I feel lucky that I've had a good day. We're both shattered after last night, so I've asked him what he thinks is a reasonable time for bed tonight. I suggested 9, and again he agreed, admitting he's tired too!
That's a good idea with the bedtime thing Louise, but on a school night, it would have to be about 9 at the latest.
Glad you had a good day.
xxxx
Glad that it went OK, well done to you!
10pm was only an example, choose the time you want. I always had very early bedtimes for mine
Didn't have one bit of rudeness or bad behaviour yesterday. He came into the kitchen and asked if I needed any help with dinner. Told him it was ok, but I was very grateful for the offer, and it meant a lot that he'd even asked, bless.
Today is still on for him. The testing point could be when he returns. Friday visitors are coming round about 4, not sure what time C is coming home, have to check on that one. Normally the boys have a few tiffs, and that's fine. I'm just hoping he won't try and be the big man and think he can get away with things if we have people here. (Better get the bedroom ready for time out)!!
Hi hazeleyes, you really do sound so much more back in control of things. Its funny (well not really) but how as soon as we have a dip, or take our eye off the ball for one minute, our children take over. C likes it when you are in control because then he knows where he stands.
I hope he has a good day today. I wonder if you can catch a quiet word with him as soon as he gets home, just to ground him and reconnect the two of you. You can ask him about his day and remind him that the visitors are 'our guests' and you hope to have a lovely evening and you want him to help in keeping the evening happy.
SO, hazeleyes, what does a day all to yourself have in store, other than tidying up for guests and preparing the naughty space? 
C has only just gone, later than expected but still. I had asked my friend not to mention Wednesday's episode, and was a bit cross because as soon as she walked in, she told him she wanted a word about what had happened. She told him to say sorry, to which he quite rightly replied that he already had. She then told him to say it in front of her. I told her everything was ok, and so to drop the conversation, as I didn't want to rake it all up again, and to be honest, it wasn't really her business. All she should have been concerned about was the fact he had behaved yesterday, so I was allowing him to go with her today.
I will speak to him on his return about keeping the evening happy, although to be honest I don't think the Friday visitors will be here much after he returns. They normally leave about 7.
I do indeed feel more in control again. Thankyou to everyone for their support and advice. Very much needed and very much appreciated.
Have a lovely slice of child-free time, hazeleyes. Sounds good that the Friday visitors don't stay too late so hopefully the tired thing won't kick in
Got to go shopping in a bit, forgot a few things. I won't let the tired thing kick in, as I do think some of the rudeness etc could be down to that, not that I'm making any excuses for it. I told him earlier that once he'd had his bath, I needed to wash his hair. Didn't go down too well, but I calmly pointed out, that it was his choice, hairwash or going out. He of course chose the hairwash, then afterward told me that he wouldn't be needing another one Monday, day before he goes back to school!! We shall see, we shall see, haha.
I'm liking the words, calm, calmly. Much better than me saying I saw Red!!!
It is; they are wonderful words!
Well done hazeleyes, it sounds as though you are back to your old self again :)
Thankyou Anna, I really do feel as if I've taken control again. How wierd does that sound, taken control again with an 8 year old!! I do follow advice from members here, and it really does help heaps.
'To drive a stubborn mule, takes a more stubborn driver'
I read that saying recently and it really resonated with me, however I don't think I got it quite right, but you get my drift
Failed miserably, that made me chuckle, but also sigh with frustration of what is to come!! C isn't back at school until Tuesday!! If I don't let him go on Friday, my friend is right, I won't get the break I really need, which is why she pretended to him that we were cancelling a surprise for him this afternoon. Since I first posted, he has been fine with me, no cheekiness, no rudeness. There have been a couple of little tiffs between friend and him, but I'm not taking sides, as they've both been in the wrong, and I've said as much. Both have asked if she can stay over, and my answer all day has been no. Now, he'll think I'll change my mind on this, but I sure won't.