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Hi all, have just joined after months of reading the posts and the great advice being given.I am a single mum of a 7 year old boy, I work full time in a job I love and i am proud to manage my home, finances and career with relative ease.
I left my sons father 6 years ago coupled with a redundancy from a company I was with for 18 years and then my mum emigrating my world fell apart ..I am proud to be where I am now.
I have tried to promote the relationship my son has with his father and his older sister from first relationship before me) and now his younger sister (another relationship after me ) ! However his father works shifts it was agreed that he would email me the prior month for the next set of requested dates e.g dates for Christmas should be emailed to me by the 10th November. This works(ish) he will always try to change some date/pick up time/drop off time and now he is expecting that the dates he requests will always be honoured, this is simply not the case, classmates birthday parties and events that I want to do with my son have to come first (Lego land namely !).
So here I am at the annual Christmas punch up ! In the last few years we have shared my son on Xmas day, so he is collected from me in the afternoon and comes back a few days later... This year he wants my son for ALL of Xmas and if I don't agree to it this year then I have to agree to it in writing for that arrangement next year as he wants my son and his girlfriend ,their child etc to be together. Well as he tries to win the father of the year award in the eyes of his family it does not wash with me, I will be alone, no family ,partner or child... Cannot let that happen. The emails are starting to get really hideous, he is a policeman and can access details about me without me knowing. I have nothing to hide but I feel he will use this against me ???
Can I just caveat to this, we were never married, he lived in my house, the maintenace he pays me of £276 per month is in childcare vouchers direct to the childminder so I never have 'cash' in my account...surely I am doing more than most court orders and ensure he is included in the main decision making for my son but surely he cannot force me to do this ???.? Help please.
Hi Sparkling lime, thanks for your comments. I have spoken to a family law solicitor who tells me that as my ex is named on the birth certificate if he pitched up and took him (what he is threatening to do ) I don't have a leg to stand on. I am gutted, can't stop crying at the thought of being without my son at Christmas , especially as my ex is so hit and miss with his visitation during the rest of the year. They advised me to try mediation first then apply for a residency order, so my son cannot be taken away from me without my consent. 7 weeks before Xmas will my ex bother... Doubt it.
It's horrid, I know. Especially when you get into routines.
My ex will expect this lot to be available when he wants to see them. He saw them twice last year and spoke to them four times. This year he's seen them twice - although once was at his father's funeral (I was very close to my ex-father-in-law).
Do you think you could enjoy this Christmas and somehow plan next year for him to be with his Dad so you can make the most of the build up to Christmas and then celebrate when he comes back?
On the other hand he may change his mind by then?
I wish I could think of something constructive to say that would be comforting - usually I resort to virtual hugs...
Hi debbie72, I hope that we can offer the support you need. sparklinglime has written a very comprehensive message.
I think you are well within your rights to stand your ground and not agree to your ex's request.
You sound as though you have things pretty sorted your end, so rather than getting into long term discussions/emails. What would you be happy with? The same arrangement as usual or alternating Christmases every year?
I think once you know what it is you are happy with, state this to your ex and do not be shifted. You do not need to enter into discussion about it, if he wants to take it further then so be it.
Your ex may be a policemen but this does not give him the right to bully you into doing what he wants. And I would have thought that accessing private information about you is illegal, so if he has threatened this, take no notice - if he were to do this, then you can report him to his seniors.
Hi Anna,
All I want is for us to share him on Xmas day, my son benefits from two Christmas days with both parents. I know some fathers who never get Xmas day and all the hullabaloo that goes with it. I want the same arrangement we have had for the last 6 years...surely that is not to much to ask. As mentioned before children feel happiest from a sense of routine, every year i take my son to have breakfast with santa its just us and two other mums and their kids (no dads) which bless they do that for my benefit. I organise it every year and this year the original date that i advised my son's father of was nit available, so made the booking a day later and told him this (6 weeks notice) but suddenly this encroaches on his plans and has now said that i cannot change the date as he wants to take my son to wales to see his sick grandma ! i protested and just last night another barrage of text messages saying he would just come and take my son after all it's more important he sees his gran (my son sees this woman once a year if that) than having breakfast with Santa. I am going to see an expert family law solicitor as the person I spoke to from the Womens Rights charity last night made me feel that I had no choice, the solicitor I am seeing today agrees with you... He cannot simply change the Staus Quo to suit him !
The solicitor also had some choice to words to say about him being a policeman too but that is not for the forum..however made me feel amazing!!! I am hoping today I won't cry anymore as my little one caught me in tears and I tried to pass it off as a bad dream.
Will let you know the outcome. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.
Just to clarify its my ex's gran in cardiff so my sons great grandmother... Just to be clear.
Hi debbie72, I am glad that you are seeking all the support and information that you can at this stage. I don't think you are being unreasonable. Most of all you are doing it for your son and this is the point that his father is missing.
I am glad that you are going to see a Family Solicitor, you already have a very satisfactory agreement with regards to Christmas, it seems such a shame that it needs to be unsettled, especially as your boy is still so young and probably still very excited about Christmas and all that it entails!
I am glad that the words you are hearing from professionals is sinking in and reminding you that you are a great mum, have been very co operative and do not let your ex undermine you.
If you don't want your son to see you cry, leg it to the bathroom if possible! (I know it is hard though)
Hi Anna, just back in from the solicitor (could not go to work until i had this resolved) and a letter is winging its way to my ex. The solicitor reiterated to me that the court is not interested the what he wants but what is right for my son, and the routine of sharing Xmas day is in his best interests.
The visit to his great grandmother would be for my ex's benefit not my sons, which in reality can be done after 1pm on Xmas day after all it is just a drive away. I know this is the first step, but to have suddenly positive people around me has made life seem less bleak. No one else knows...... Thank you and Sparkling lime for talking to me when I needed it most.
Hello again debbie72 (just 'spoke' to you on another thread),
Glad you've got a handle on this situation - and your solicitor 'on the case' for that matter.
A's dad used to make outrageous demands re; access when we first separated, which I would never have agreed to (and resulted in our attending mediation). I can see how your situation could feel even more problematic, what with your son's father having the ability to use his position at work inappropriately.
Fingers crossed that your ex recieves his letter and lets the matter drop. Let us know how things go for you.
I'm glad you've seen the solicitor and feeling a bit more positive about things.
I'd have thought after 6 years that a status quo with regards to Christmas has been set, possibly?
I had an excellent family solicitor when issues arose with my lot.
Yes rudimentary mary I will of course let you know the outcome...as his job is to uphold the law his current threat to come and take my son on the 22nd irrespective of my wishes means I will call the police and have him charged. Sparkling Lime echo's what the solicitor said... the last 5 years xmas has halways been shared , so he cannot simply change the routine to suit him. Lets see what next week brings. Thank you both.
Hi debbie72, I know it has only been a few days, but I was wondering if you have heard anything?
How are you feeling?
Hi Anna,
I have not heard from the solicitor as yet, I am hoping this week the letter will go out to him. My son was with him at the weekend and the ex was trying to be oh so very nice on the text messaging, I can tell he is worried and so he should be. I just want the battle to start or the battle to stop. I feel that I am in limbo land and cannot start making all the great Christmas plans as yet. One breakthrough is I told my brother what has been happening and that is a big thing for me , I tend to cry on my own and deal with my problems on my own. Call it pride or stupidity but nevertheless I emailed him as I could not bring myself to say the words without crying. My brother as always is amazing, and will come and stay the night before the "alledged " night that my ex is planning on taking my son without my permission. Keep fingers and toes crossed for me.
Aww that is great on two counts, one that you reached out and two that your brother understood and is going to be a support to you
All that can be crossed, will be crossed for you! 
Hi Anna, an update.... well it seems that battle will begin. My ex is adament that my son should be with him on the original date discussed even thou the new date that I changed to so my son can be with his friends at the "Breakfast With Santa" event is just a day later. My Solicitor wrote to him stating that for the last 5 years we have shared my son at Xmas and that My son will be ready for collection of the 25th after 1300 and then dropped off as my ex's work pattern allows. This is the flexibility shown on my behalf and he can still take my son to see my ex's sick gran ! but oh no it has to be his way and even though I had to change the date ( and gave him 6 weeks notice ) he has now instructed a solicitor. He had been emailing me to stop all the proceedings and "talk " but I know it would have just been so he could have his own way and bully me face to face to come round to his way of thinking. Have sunk to an all time low... am scared... i am not sure now does he take me to court or do I... I guess if my son lives with me and he wants to see him and I say no then he will have to take me to court ??? Any advice... thanks
Hello debbie72
First of all, please recognise that you feeling scared is what your son's dad is trying to achieve. He thinks that you will "give in" if you are threatened with legal stuff. Looked at from the outside, he really is being ridiculous about this...you are not saying he cannot see his son, you have him lots of notice, you have done nothing wrong.
It will only get as far as court if he is having no time at all with your son. At that stage you would be able to show that you have been entirely reasonable, that you were prepared to go to mediation. I would, however, try not to stop them seeing each other, it is a case of setting the boundaries. On these boards a phrase I use a lot is "hold your nerve" and that is what I am going to say now..and be guided by what your solicitor says.
Thank you so much, ironically sat pm my ex sent me a text asking if it was possible to take my son today (sunday) to see his gran as he had news that her condition was deteriorating. Even thou it is my weekend with my son, I have tried to do the right thing and so a few hours ago my son left and our weekend of fun has come to a halt.
I have also done this to show his desire to have my son over the dates we are disputing now is a moot point.... He has taken him to see his ailing grandmother today so in my mind I have won the battle but alas not the war. He will still need to respond the solicitors letter agreeing to the terms set out there for Xmas day. I will indeed hold my nerve.. You are so right in terms of him thinking I will "give in" he has always tried to control me and hates the fact that I get on life quite happily without him. Nevertheless, the legal route was taken because he tried to take my son without my consent so for that reason i will pursue to have documented evidence, in case I need it in the future.
Will see what next week brings... Tears dried up... Nerve firmly held... Thanks for the pep talk.... Really needed it.
Hi debbie72, well done you! I hope today you are feeling stronger and more in control of your life?
Seen the solicitor today... Not very helpful... I had to go and pay.. He told me my ex has sent copies of Emails and texts to himabiut the days we bad arranged fir december , bearing in mind i had to change one of them with 6 weeks notice unlike my ex who normally cancells on the day or changes the dates to suit him. Solicitor said that he had not read the emails just copied and sent to me...I know what they say i dont need to read them in print..I did not pay a solicitor to adjudicate a he said she said battle.... This was because my son was going to be taken away without my consent and stopped from having breakfast with Santa which he looks forward to .. My ex wants it his way, I just can't cope with this... Am tempted to keep my son and if he wants to see him then he will have to take me to court to arrange a custody hearing to have something set by the court, for too long I have worked around his shift work and his life. Enough now .. I just cannot take another day. Help. The crying has started again.
Hi debbie72
That seems very strange that the solicitor was so unhelpful. Have you heard from our Legal Expert? It is certainly true that you can stop contact but it does put you "in the wrong" if you do so. It is sad that your son's dad is more keen on getting his own way than your son enjoying the Santa breakfast. Could he take him to the breakfast? since that seems to be the thing he would miss.
Please dry your tears, this is not worth getting so upset about. Don't forget that we suspect that this is about your ex getting to you rather than actual time with his son...and if you are upset then he has suceeded!
Let us know what the Legal Expert says. Is there any way that he can be made to go to mediation?
Good morning Louise, Maybe I will express my concerns to my solicitor and hope that he is understanding. I felt annoyed that the solicitor said " I have not read them , just copied them and sent them onto you" in referance to the correspondance from my ex. I just want advice... i wanted him to say "I have read then information he supllied and really i think..... " is that too much.Nevertheless I will be somewhat forcefull in my next correspondance to him.
My ex still feels that Breakfast with Santa is not important and he wants to take my son as that was the previously agreed dates, irrespective of the fact that I gave him 39 days notice to change the dates for the benefit of our Son. He claims time with his family is more important and would have no intention of taking him to the event
I did not hear from the Legal expert (via my private email ) I can see Jean had passed the details on, but to whom else I cannot see. The reason I sought legal intervention is because he said he would take my son on the 22nd Dec as the agreed dates decided in October irrespective and even without my consent. I said that was kidnapping and I would call the police... this is how the solictor involvement came about, i was scared he would try to take him. No one is interested in a "he said she said " battle... he wants his own way and I am saying No. I just need to know my next step. Please bear in mind I let him take my son last weekend to see this ailing family member (when it was my arranged weekend ) hence mediation would not resolve anything. I feel now that I work my life with my son around him and now I would prefer the court to arrange the dates and then there is no deviation. I
Hello again, I suggest you write to the Legal Expert direct, click the link. I do understand that you are feeling flummoxed and not sure of what to do next.
I have re submitted my questions, many thanks.
Hi debbie72, it sounds as though your ex is really messing you around. Your post said that you want some clear boundaries set by the court and I think that is fair enough, your ex can not just come into your son's life and dictate what he wants as and when he feels like it.
I hope you hear from our expert soon.
Hi all, seems that my ex called my solicitor yesterday wanting to know what was happening as he wanted to make an emergency application to the court ASAP to have my son on the date he wants in two weeks!!! Even thou I let him take my son last weekend " my allocated weekend " to see my ex's I'll gran, he also has my son from fri to mon next week, why can't he just let it go and let my little boy have breakfast with Santa. My solicitor says he will send the letter to say i am not budging.... Looks like my Xmas will be ruined by going to court. words fail me right now as to how I feel.
Hello Frustrated Mum
I think that what has happened definitely goes to prove that it is NOT about time with your son, it feels as if it is about "he wants to win no matter what". Words fail me. Try not to be caught up in yourself, you have done nothing wrong, he wins all round if you become upset and stressed, concetrate on the nice times you are having and will have with your boy.
Dear all, after much wrangling my son and I went to have breakfast with Santa as I wanted. My ex did not get his way even trying to get an emergency court order (alledgedly ) I had pay a substantial amount to the solicitor to get a resolution I am so pleased that I did. One word of caution if do instruct a solicitor , meet them first... I know I could of found someone a lot more understanding than i did if I had shopped around. Have a wonderful Xmas to all of you who talked me thru this. X
Hello again Frustrated Mum,
I am so glad to hear that things 'came good' in the end. I will take on board what you say about shopping around for a good solicitor (although to be honest, aside from drawing up a Will I hope I never need to secure the services of one).
I hope you and your boy have a marvellous Christmas too - and a wonderful 2013.
Mary x
I'm glad you were able to sort things our frustrated Mum.
Best wishes from me to you.
What a lot of hassle you had to go through, Frustrated Mum. Glad your boy had his Santa breakfast......and I have to say that I am also glad that what seemed to be the "bullying" tactics his dad was employing, did not work
Hi Debbie
If he were to take you to court, there is a good chance that every other Christmas could well be stated in it.
Child maintenance is a separate issue to contact. The only things that matter here is that the child has a right to a relationship to both parents, and the child is safe.
I have to say that with my lot, their father never wanted to have them over Christmas, even though I steeled myself for it to happen. He did have them after Christmas though.
I'm sorry you're facing this but perhaps if your son is with you this year, then you will be able to make plans for next year...
One thing I have learnt with my lot - as they have been away from me for their birthdays, is that a child loves to have two birthdays or two Christmas'.
If you can come to an arrangement - and I know it isn't easy - it will be easier for your son. If you're not able to agree things then he could decide to go for a Court order which would say when your son was to be available for contact (no order can make a parent see a child though)
My lot see very little of their Dad (his decision) but they really do look forward to seeing him when he can give them some time. He's coming up during the first week of December.