Hi all,
I feel quite nervous writing this, as i have lost a lot of self confidence since i fell pregnant 2 years ago. I know my story will in some way be familiar to many of you but i just hope that you won't judge too harshly on certain things. That said, i might just be over paranoid.
Please call me Tink, I am 25 years old and i have a 14 month old daughter called E. In 2010 i met her dad [we'll call him bob] and we dated briefly for 3 months. In act he left his girlfriend of 5 years to start a relationship. He was 21 at the time, and i was 23. I should have known better but i am a hopeless romantic and i fell for him hook line and sinker. things were so rushed and next thing i know, he's saying in -not so many words- that he misses his ex. so we split and he effectively gets back with her. in the month or so after we split, while he's trying to get back with his ex, we sleep together a couple of times and BAM. i'm pregnant. To cut a long story short, he spends the next month sh*tting himself, and eventually decides to cut all contact.
Fast forward to october 2010 and he decides to send a text, saying he wants to be in his daughters life [I found out at 20 weeks and i text him. may i also add that i have been emailing his mum several times throughout the pregnancy and then paid for the pushchair etc] he even attends the birth... yes i let him in the room. she was born in January 2011, and the first year of her life has been so turbulent, not because he's violent, but because we have argued constantly.
We never got back together after she was born, and neither of us has entered in to new relationships, the first year of her life was spent at my house in the week, but then going to stay at his parents at the weekends. For a long time i bent over backwards trying to help him form a bond with his daughter, but we argued so much i just couldn't stand to be around him. so from only 5 months, i let her stay over with his parents. This destroyed me but i just wanted him to love her so much, and want her, that i did what i thought was best. Then i found out he was just leaving her with his parents while he went out and carried on as if he had no responsibilities. Well i stopped him from having overnight because i didn't think this was right.
From then, his interest in his daughter has diminished dramatically. He never calls to see how she is. She was in hospital on one occasion, and he never called to see how she was. He's never been there for her. As the months go on, he's paid less and less attention to his daughter and she doesn't know him as a familiar face. I feel like it's hard to explain, i know she's only 14 months old but there is no bond there.
the arguments that we used to have, all indicate that he's never forgiven me for going ahead with having a baby he didnt want. He has said this to me before but then completely denied it when i've brought it up. Since january of this year, we have barely spoken to each other and he's seen his daughter twice, for roughly 12 hours in total. I believe that the less contact between ourselves is best because i don't want E to hear us shouting or see me get upset.
He works away during the week in L, sometimes in S, and also on a boat in the north sea. His job is very demanding, and i know he works hard. He doesnt pay enough maintenance and i'm dealing this now through the CSA, since i plucked up the courage to contact them! He missed her first birthday because of his job, even though he said he booked holiday, and he says he wont see a mediator to set out definite dates when he'll have his daughter, because his job won't allow him to have set days off. This is fair enough, but he expects me to just drop all my plans when he's ready to see his daughter.
It's gotten to the point now, where i've had heated words with his mum and said that his behaviour just isn't acceptable anymore, and i think that his influence in her life is going to be more damaging than anything else. I've suggested that it should be up to E [when she is old enough] to decide if she wants to know who her dad is because i just can't cope with this situation anymore. I'm constantly feeling let down by him, for my daughter. does that make sense?
Sorry for the rant, just thought i'd try and see if people could offer any advice... and just a quick question... Does the bitterness, anger and resentment ever go away, it kinda hangs over me all day every day, and i don't feel like i can truly enjoy my life with my daughter while there is all this emotion :(
Hi Tink,
what a rollercoaster you're on! It's hard when you're really trying to do the best for your daughter and it feels like the dad is totally unappreciative of it all. At least it seems that his mum is supportive of you.
I know of someone in a similar situation - the dad wasn't all that interested, even said 'you must never say I have to look after him, I didn't want him in the first place', but his mother really cared about the child. So the arrangement was made that the grandmother would have the child one weekend a month, and if he is there, fine, and if not, not. This way the grandmother has the contact she deserves and it is entirely up to him to build a relationship with his daughter. Also it gives the mum a weekend off with the child being with someone reliable.
Hope that helps a bit! There are brilliant experts on here (obviously I'm not one!) who will probably have much better ideas! :-) Welcome to the site!
Haha, Louise, we were writing at the same time! :-)
Great minds think alike, Hopeful 
Hi all, Thank you so much for your advice and kind words :-)
E saw her paternal grandparents yesterday as they came to visit, and i put it to them E goes to stay with them for 1 weekend of the month. They were so pleased! So thank you Louise!
It means i have no need to contact her father, and i'm still on good terms with them. Hopefully this will work out long term and i can get on with my life!
Tink x
hello Tinkerbellexx
Good luck with the new regime, see how it works out for you all 
Yes Hi Tink, hope all goes well and good luck
Em x
Hello Tink
You are welcome here
and certainly there is no need to worry about being judged, all of us here have different experiences of parenthood and relationships and try to help each other along.
You are at the point now where you consider that it is best for E (won't use her full name) not to have contact with her dad. This is because a. the contact is sporadic and she needs routine, b. the two of you argue in front of her and this is not helpful and c. he cannot commit to a set pattern and just thinks he can say as and when he wants to see her and this is disruptive to you.
I would caution against stopping contact altogether. This is because if he decides to take action then he would almost certainly be granted it and the whole thing would become more antagonistic. Also, it really WOULD be nice if your daughter could have a relationship with them! Better to address the points above. I think it is hard for you to solve point a, with the nature of his job. point b could be resolved by her being at his parents for contact and point c, well Ok maybe he cannot commit to contact dates months in advance but surely he knows more than a day or two ahead?
I suggest you seize control of this situation and write two letters, to him and to his mum. In the letters you can say you realise that his work is varied but that you would like E to have a relationship with her father and her grandparents. Then suggest EITHER that he gives you 72 hours notice and you will do your best for E to be able to stay overnight with his parents to give him chance to see her, OR that E can stay one night a week (or whatever suits you) with his parents anyway and that way he knows when contact is available. In other words, suggest what suits YOU and then say that if this is not suitable for them, you are happy to go to mediation to discuss it. Keep copies of the letters. Then they can either play things your way or not. He cannot say that you are preventing him seeing his daughter when you have made a fair offer, and if he tries to take action, it is a fair bet that the court would want him to go to mediation anyway and even if not, your offer (the one that suits YOU) would be put before the court.
I would also mention that my experience of the psychology of things tells me that if he thinks he is being prevented from seeing her then this will make him more determined to do so, whereas contact will take its own pace if you appear to be accommodating. It's tough when we feel that we have not complete control over a situation but when we have a child with someone, we do need to realise that they are a major factor in the equation too and we may not be so free to choose any longer