Hi everyone...
I came to this site because I have been feeling overwhelmed with my life as a single parent. My ex and I separated and divorced last year and I thought I was doing quite well....but recently it has become apparent that I am finding everything a bit too much.
I have 2 beautiful girls (9+11) and I work full time. My relationship with my ex is not good and it seems to be getting worse.
My parents aren't local to me but they have been really supportive, helping me financially, practically and emotionly. They have also helped enormously with my girls...however recently they have started to make negative comments about my ex to the girls, which they are finding upsetting, to the point that they now no longer want to spend time with them. This is adding enormously to my stress.
My work life is also quite intense and demanding.
I feel that I give to everyone and that there is nothing left for me....I want to stop the ride and get off!!!
Does anyone else feel like this?
What do yo do about it?
Hi Louise,
Thanks for your helpful comments, I agree it is a shame my parents are being harsh about my ex, I try so hard to keep my own feelings about him to myself so I feel they are undermining all my hard work when they do this. I have gone to the link you provided and will share it with my mum.
I agree I need some 'me' time but trying to fit it in when there are so many other things to do is quite difficult. I guess planning is the key.
Yes, me time is very hard when you are working as well. I have always worked and can empathise with how you feel. I have to admit to cheating a bit and taking my boys to the cinema and then just closing my eyes......
Hi pancakequeen
I agree with Louise, what a great name:)
Yes, I know what you mean about wanting to stop the ride and get off. I often feel like that and I am sure many others on this site feel the same. It isn't easy working full-time plus the responsibility of bringing kids up on your own.
Does your ex have the girls regularly for overnight stays? If so can this be time for you to have " me time" and do something for you. .
I hope you manage to convince your parents to stop saying negative things about your ex as this is not helpful.
How do your kids feel about the split? Have they said much? I must admit my daughter doesn't say much whichbI struggle with.
Thanks for the compliments about the name, I always make pancakes for my girls on a saturday morning so it came from them.
My ex and I went to mediation when we split to sort out the finances and children but unfortunately he has not kept up with his agreement on when he sees the girls. He was supposed to have them every other weekend but he would only have them for a couple of hours on a saturday. This has been a big sticking point for me and the girls as they miss him very much. I have now got him to agree to have them all day on a saturday every other week which is progress but he still wont have them overnight.
The issue with my parents is really bothering me as we don't have the sort of relationship where it is easy to talk about problems. I feel quite angry about it at the moment so I'm waiting for that to subside before I broach the subject.
My girls don't talk about our split much either, but when they do they talk more about how much they miss their dad and how they want to see more of him. My eldest is curious about why we split but so far I haven't gone into any details.
It is probably best to remain vague about the reasons for the split, you can say things like "we just decided we did not want to be married anymore" or "it's complicated..the main thing is that we both still love you" Of course that might be hard to understand when they feel he has distanced himself from them but rather than blaming him, I suggest you acknowledge their feelings and just say "I understand you feel sad and hurt about what has happened. I wish I could make things better for you but I can't" and give them a hug.
By the way, we will all be round your house on Saturday morning for breakfast, heh heh 
Hi Louise,
Yes I agree, and I have told my daughter that our reasons are private but she still questions me.
Its open house on a saturday morning....the more the merrier!!
Count me in for pancakes 
Welcome along pancakequeen. I hope you're able to speak to your parents, and hopefully they will take it on board. Good luck for that one.
Woo hoo count me in too!
You say that you don't have the kind of relationship with your parents where you can talk about problems and I am thinking that you don't want to say too much as they are really good with looking after the children.
So I am wondering whether you could write it in a letter to them? Or write it down, have say 3 points to make and then you don't need to go into a lengthy moan at them? Another technique that I rather like is a s*** sandwich (S'cuse the language, can't think of another alternative!) Where you surround the negative stuff you want to say with positives.
So you say to them something positive like 'The girls love coming to see you at the weekend, they are so lucky to have you in their lives after all they have been through' Then the middle bit - 'They get very insecure when they hear X being mentioned so I have decided that any talk about him needs to be out of their earshot'
Then back to positive 'I love it that your relationship is so good with them, I don't know what I would have done without you through this traumatic time'
What do you think pancakequeen?
Hi Anna,
I too am a fan of the s*** sandwich! However no matter how I try to disguise it between compliments I know my parents will take it badly. We don't talk about our feelings in our family, which is why my parents have such a hard time listening to my daughter talk about missing her Daddy.
Its something I'm going to have to sort because my girls are refusing to stay with my parents now and they would normally go and stay with them for 1-2 weeks during the summer holidays. I've managed to make other arrangements for this holiday but it has been expensive and I've had to use up a big chunk of my annual leave.
Surely your parents will be persuaded to co-operate if they think that your girls are being made unhappy with it? That might be the tack to take, rather than saying that what your parents is doing is "wrong", maybe you could say something along the lines of the girls feeling unhappy about it?
Do your parents know yet that the girls won't be spending time with them in the hols? It they don't, this could be the perfect opportunity to broach the subject. It might also save you money this year at the same time, if it all gets sorted in time. Good luck.
That's a shame they won't go, especially as it would save some money too...
Hope you enjoy your pancakes in the morning
Hi All,
Hazeleyes...My parents don't know yet that the girls aren't going now this summer and I have had to make the arrangements as the summer club I wanted was nearly booked up.
I'm hoping you're right Louise, I shall tackle that conversation next week.
Thanks everyone for your support
Well I did it....I've spoken to my mum....it wasn't a total disaster but it certainly wasn't a great success either.
My mum has no idea about children in this situation. She thinks the girls should know exactly what my ex was/is like, I said that they would work it out for themselves eventually and that it wasn't right for me or her to point out all his faults. She then said if they didn't like her comments then they needed to learn not to talk about him infront of her as she found it upsetting!!!! Who is the adult here I ask myself????
We haven't fallen out but she has said she can't promise not to speak her mind in the future.
I'll let her sleep on it....however I doubt that will be the last I hear about it once she's told my dad!!!.....blimey I feel like I'm 16 again!!!
Oh poor you, PQ but you are in the right here. It's not a case of you saying to your mum that you don't want them to have so many sweeties, this is a fundamental emotional building block as the girls learn to integrate a new view of their dad. All research in this area has found that not speaking of the other parent disrespectfully is the way to go. As you say, they will make up their own minds in time.
Fingers crossed that she will take it on board....
Thanks Louise,
Unfortunately there is a lot more to this than I have divulged so far!
My ex is also stirring things up (what a surprise) he knows that my mum and dad say negative things about him, he calls A+H while they are staying with my M+D and questions them, on one occasion A was crying because she had had a 'spat' with my mum, he then text me, I was away on a course, and said that my mum was hitting A and that I had to sort it out straight away. I called them to find out what was going on which really upset my Mum, of course it wasn't true (just another way he still has control over me). We just about got over it when it happened again when the girls were with M+D over half term. This time I ignored my ex as I new what he was up to, however my dad was suspicious of A so he took her phone and went through her text messages and found one to my ex talking about my Mum, it all blew up again.
The problem is M+D have now labeled A as a trouble maker, they can't see that if they didn't speak negatively about my ex this probably would never have happened.
Its all such a big mess 
Hello PQ
Well that was not fair to take her phone from her. On the other hand what he is doing is ridiculous. You need to stress to the girls that they must contact YOU about anything that they are concerned about re your parents and not their dad. You could also arrange to speak with one of the girls each day so that you have peace of mind. I do have a little more understanding of their dad than before though as it is natural for him to want the girls to criticise your parents if he knows they are bad-mouthing him....although not very grown-up of him!!!
Thanks Louise,
I just wish they would all try and behave like grown ups, they may then realise that its the girls that are getting hurt in all this.
I suppose I am quite shocked by the stance my parents have taken, but if I really think about it it is very similar to the way my brothers and I were brought up. Children are to be seen and not heard, they don't have a valid opinion and all thoughts, feelings and emotions should be kept to ones self.
It makes for a difficult life when the adults around us don't behave like adults, doesn't it, pancakequeen?! It sounds as though you are trying your best to manage a difficult situation. Although you see that it is your daughters who are at risk of being hurt here, it sounds like you have good insight into how your parents expect children to behave (and the stance they are taking with regard to your ex).
Are your girls still saying they are unhappy to spend time with their grandparents over the school holidays?
Hi Mary,
We haven't really talked about it in the last week or so as I have covered the holidays now.
I'll let the dust settle and try and make arrangements for them come here first, that way we'll be on home ground and the girls shouldn't feel too uncomfortable.
I had an interesting chat with my brother earlier. It appears that he has experienced similar problems with my parents and his daughter (he is also a single parent with an ex who dosen't conduct herself in an adult way!), having them saying inappropriate comments about his ex when his daughter is in ear shot. His daughter is younger than mine and hasn't said anything but it must have an effect on her too. At least I know have an undertsanding ear in my brother too.
Well that is sooo fascinating, and also the insight you have gained into your own childhood! And it sounds as if your own parenting strategy has been quite different? Maybe your brother could also speak to your parents in due course as it is it good for his daughter to be hearing it all too. I say "in due course" because a two-pronged attack might feel a bit much for them at the moment!
Great idea about inviting your parents to your house first
Are you back to work today? Hope you are well and truly better
Hi Louise,
Yes I went back to work today. I found it quite tiring but the first day back is over now, only 2 more to do then its the weekend...yey!!
Glad it wasn't too bad, pancakequeen. As you say, we're closer to the weekend than we are away from it now!
I agree with Louise - really good idea to invite your parents to come to you sometime soon. Even if there are no moments of tension to negotiate, you may well find you feel better just from being on your own 'territory'.
Glad you got through the day.
Hello pancake queen (great name, by the way) and welcome.
You have a very busy life with the girls and a fulltime job. That is a shame that your parents have been harsh about the girls' dad. Your girls are biologically 50% him so it sort of criticises the girls as well. Have a read of our article Giving your child permission to love the other parent, you might want to share this with your own parents.
With so much on your plate, what do you do for YOU? One thing that can really help with what you are experiencing is getting some "me" time and activities, especially now the girls are a bit older.