Hiya im a mum to 4 kids oldest now being 19,17,14 boys and a 5 year old girl. Me and my eldest son are estranged . Its heartbreaking and every day is a struggle . I have a boyfriend of nearly 2 years who is armed forces who visits some weekends . My relationship is slowly breaking down as the last words he said to me three months ago was " i will never forgive you untill you finish with him". Is this controlling again ? the lack of respect my son had for me was the problem with my son and my boyfriend thats why things came to blows ... I would do anything to make things right....This estragment has been going on 9 months... Im heartbroken ...But still living in hope X
Hiya... My partner doesnt live with me ..... I think i really know what i have to do . Least then i can say that ive tried everything.
Hi KimmyC and welcome to One Space 
I am sorry to hear the emotional struggle you are dealing with with your eldest.
What is it that your son won't forgive you for? Having a relationship? Is there something about your boyfriend that your son doesn't like? How was your relationship with your son before you met your boyfriend?
Your last post said you think you know what you have to do, what is it you are thinking may I ask?
my son was very over the top protective of me . He didn't like me going out ect and trying to be happy myself. Infact he never forgave me for leaving his father in which was a violent relationship which I escaped and moved away with my children. My son was always bullying his younger brothers and tried to be head of the household . When getting with my new partner at first they got on.but as time went on and my son disrespected me my new partner stood upto him and told him to show me some respect. This became very confrontational and ended up with the two of them at each others throats . Months passed and the home was like treading on egg shells . It was a week before Christmas and my daughters birthday when I had family round and he totally ignored them and went out the door . My boyfriend went after him and words was exchanged then this ended up with my boyfriend kicking my sons bike . The following day he moved out . of course my boyfriend shouldn't of kicked his bike , but we all do things we regret. At the time my son was with a very controlling girlfriend who he put before everything . I just need some advice :-(
All my friends think my new boyfriend is fantastic and my other kids love him . I'm just a very hurt mum who's always done the best for her kids and I don't know how to mend this one . Which ever way I go can I repair this .
my sons friends keep in contact with me and let me know how he is . the middle son has seen him two times and he completely ignore him . I've tried so hard . Sent christmas presents to his girlfriends house .letters addressed to my son to his bosses home and even gone to his place of work for him to refuse to see me . When he asked for me a few months ago as he was drunk I went straight to him to be verbally abused but I held my head high and told him I loved him so much and I'm sorry for causing him so much hurt but all he said was he would never forgive me . Is this a controlling thing ? or do I put my happiness to one side in a hope this might heal things , or maybe not I. I'm just totally torn X
Hi KimmyC
It sounds as if your son looked up to his dad a lot and was terribly hurt when he discovered that his dad was not the hero he thought he was. He took on the mantle of head of the household and then this was usurped (in his eyes) by you getting a new partner. Your son has then experienced this new partner showing him anger and kicking his bike......and in HIS mind, he is thinking "and my mum let him treat me like that"
Now I am not criticising you in any way whatsoever...you are entitled to a life of your own, you have been through a lot and it is great that you have met someone you are happy with, and I don't see that you should end this relationship because of your son who, let's face it, is now a grown man. I am just trying to explain that your son's really hurtful actions towards you come from his perception that he himself has been hurt by you.
You have done lots to try and build bridges and you can't make him be reconciled to you and I think that all you can do is to keep trying...saying that you love and miss him, say that you are so sorry for anything you have done that has hurt him and that you want to make things right (I am not saying you HAVE done anything wrong, but this will show him that you are prepared to acknowledge that you may have played a part) Don't blame his girlfriend, it may feel more acceptable to you that this is because of her, but this is between you and him.
Is there anyone in the extended family who is still in touch with him?
No there isn't , he has completely pushed everyone away . They have tried but he doesn't want to know . Its so sad as everyone loves him very much .
2 months before he moved out he changed his mobile phone number as the one he had previous was on my contract and he refused to pay me each month . So I don't even have a contact number for him . He took himself off of Facebook . And the all and end all was his girlfriend . I liked her at first and we got on but as time went on I saw her in a different light . She controlled him . He pushed all his Freinds away , his social life and his family . I do believe she had a major part in this . Last Easter my son called social services on me . To have me investigated as a parent . This totally came as a shock and I was distraught . One of my daughters then nursery teachers approached me and said she couldn't understand why . It was because I was with a new partner and he wanted to make sure he was ok . When checks were made on my daughter who was then 4 and my other sons , social services then approached my older son to ask him why he had wasted there time. I forgave my son for this but this was when things seriously deteriorated in the family home .
Hello again, it is so sad that he has cut himself off from everyone.
I do still stand by what I have said about the hurt he is feeling, though
Hi Kimmyc. I would say just to keep trying to contact him, via letter, telling him how much you love him etc. If you believe it has something to do with his girlfriend, then maybe, things can eventually work out.
Many years ago, my sister kicked her son out, because like you, he had no respect for her or his Dad. He was involved with this girl, and my sister was convinced it was down to her. Anyhow, he was kicked out, and even though it hurt my sister deeply, she knew it was the only way. Months down the road, my nephew and the girl split, and it took about 6 months for him and my sister to really get back on track again. She never stopped telling him that she loved him, via my other sister (he had moved in with her)
I really hope your situation can be resolved. Yes, he's done lots that have hurt you, but you still love him deeply, and you can both move forward from this, when the time is right.
Hi Kimmy. Welcome along to One Space. I don't have experience of this one, so am sorry, but am sure someone will come along soon.
I do know someone though in the 'real' world, who has just gone something similar. Her eldest is 23, and she was living with a man, that her children didn't like. Her son moved out, and during the Summer hols, told her he wanted to move back, but only if her partner moved out. She was in such a mess, but decided her son had to come first. I'm not saying this is what you should do, just saying what she did.
Wishing you lots of luck.