Hello to everyone, i am going through a separation at the moment from my partner of 18 years, this year has been a living nightmare, he is an alcoholic who is now trying to recover, i don't know which of the men i prefered the drunk one or the soba one, any way i have 2 gorgeous kids, but because of my relationship with an alcoholic i have no friends left, i would love to meet some like minded people to chit chat with x
Hi emsie29. Welcome along to One Space. It's a great site for lots of support and advice, so please feel free to join in any of the other threads if you wish to do so.
The relationship must have been extremely hard for you, but the good news is he's now trying to recover. Perhaps the break up has made him see the error of his ways! Have you tried to get in touch with old friends that you knew before the seperation, or are the friendships beyond repair? I was just thinking that maybe if they realised what you had gone through with him, they might have some understanding. Just a thought. How old are the children? Do you have any family to support you? I look forward to 'chatting' and getting to know you.
Hi emsie29 welcome to One Space.
18 years with an alcoholic! You deserve a medal! You also deserve a medal going through the separation, I am presuming you instigated it.
It will be hard at first, but your life will become your own again and you will find some freedom.
Have you been to any meetings that support friends and families of alcoholics? Have a look at Al-Anon, there is a short story on the right hand side from a wife who is recognising similar issues to yourself. There is a helpline number too.
In one sense living with an alcoholic can be similar to living with an abusive partner. You will have questioned yourself over your own thoughts and feelings and your partner will also have made you question yourself no doubt.
Would you consider going to counselling, to help you sort through you thoughts and feelings and help you recognise what you have been through?
Hello emsie29
Welcome from me to 
this must have been a huge decision to leave after that amount of time.
Well done you! I hope that you do try to access some sort of support, the link that Anna has put on is really good. Everyone on here are really supportive, so i hope you will continue to keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Hi emsie
I hope we can offer you some support - it is a brilliant board...
Thank you Hazel eyes i have took your advice and got back in touch with 2 friends, when i told them what was going on they were both like "do you want to me up for a coffee and a catch up".... how great is that !, my children are 8 and 9 and are my life i have a very supportive family but they worry abouy me and the kids so much.
Thank you Anna for your advice to
In one sense living with an alcoholic can be similar to living with an abusive partner. You will have questioned yourself over your own thoughts and feelings and your partner will also have made you question yourself no doubt.
I could'nt have put it better myself, i cried when i read that, i have tryed Al anon and perhaps i should go back its just finding the time, i am getting in touch with a counsellor because your right i need to get my thoughts straight, i get so paranoid about things.
Thank you to Sally W and sparklinglime to for welcomimg me to.
Thank you
emsie29, that is fantastic news. I'm so pleased that you had the courage to ring them. That must have been a bit scary for you, but you did it, yeahhh. I am sure that along with your family, your friends will also support you. Well done you. You should be proud of yourself.
Thats great news emsie29 i am glad that you have been in touch with some of your friends and let them know what has been happening for you, so that you can get some support.
Thank you for coming back and filling us in on what is happening a we all want to be able to support you on here as well.
How are you doing today? How are your children coping with the seperation?
Welcome emsie29 and I am so glad that you have phoned your friends and also enquired about counselling, how fantastic that you have done such positive things
Hi Sally W, Thank you for your comments,
Today i feel a little up and down, i have made up my mind that the house will have to be sold, thats been hard i have put a lot of hard work into that house, he will not let me buy him out because he's worried that i will sell the house later and make a profit, it does'nt matter to him that it's the kids home with there friends and school around the corner, it makes me so angry :(
The kids at the moment are ok its not really any different for them at the moment there with me (which thay always have been), he's not been the greatest of fun he's never really done much with the kids, trouble is he now wants to see them and take them out, i don't know how i feel about this i get very paranoid about it, i like and love having my kids around me because thats what i'm use to, i know he's there dad and will have to see them i'm just worried about it :(
Hi emsie welcome to onespace this is a fantastic site to come and have a chat especially when you feel lonely, just wanted to say that i really know how you feel and sympathise with you deeply, i have recently split with my ex of 10yrs and he was also an alcoholic having detox upon detox to sort himself out then gowing back to drink, it is a very hard life to live when you have to protect your children. I shut myself off from friends and family as i wanted to hide how my life was really like this has chattered my confidence and left me with just my mum for support (which she is brilliant). I miss him alot but when i sit and look at what was happening then i cant go back to living like that, the ironic thing is he left me after me putting up with what he put me through he got up and walked out. So any time you need to chat or have a rant feel free xxxx
Hi Trying Hard
Thank you for your comments, its nice to hear from someone who knows what its like.. i would love to be able to talk to you more, but i'm at work at the moment, i just had to quickly log on to reply to you, i'm getting use to this site and i hope i will be able to find you and contact you again i think we could probably help each other.
Hi emsie29. Hope you're ok. The dad seeing the children, are you concerned that he'd be drinking when he has them? If this is the case, perhaps a contact centre or something would ease your fear. I'm not really up to date on this sort of thing, but I'm sure Louise or Anna will advise you.
If you have any trouble finding trying hard, you could always start a thread in her name, and then I'm sure she'll find it. It's good that the pair of you can support each other, having been through the same thing.
Hello emsie29
It's natural that your feeling up and down at the moment and having to make such huge decisions after a break up can be difficult.
Try to cut your self some slack and tell him that you need time to make these decisions, then you can weigh up your options and get some advice and support.
hazeleyes is right if your worried about him drinking whilst having contact with your children you can arrange for this to happen in a contact centre.
Big virtual hug
Hi emsie im always poppng on onespace thoughout the day, as ive said before dont have any friends that i can just pick up the phone to so here are my friends its a really friendly site the people on here are great. Hope you are ok do you work full time or part time?
My ex was the same with our two children (6 and 3) he never could be bothered to do anything with them, everything was left to me never even offered to bath them saying that by the time bath time came he was always too drunk, so when he did leave the kids havent missed him as you said as long as they have the person who cares for them and loves them and give them the daily routine they are happy.
As for contact my ex has stopped drinking at the moment so im quite comfortable with him having them for 2hrs on a saturday, he cant manage any longer than that!! If you are concerned though about his drinking when seeing the children then a contact centre or third party like his parents would be an idea, its not nice for them to see their dad in a state, ive always tried to protect the kids from seeing him drunk but they know, as my daughter has commented a few times how her dad is always drinking wine and sleeps alot, i was lucky that when he was at his worse she was only 1 and my son hadnt been born. How are your children through all this ? Do they talk to you about him? Look after yourself and i look forward to hearing from you x
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Hi emsie29, we have recently moved our site from one provider to another and these boards seem more difficult to navigate than ever! You could bookmark this page and then you will always find this thread.
I am working on getting the forums userfriendly again, so please bear with me 
Did you get in touch with a counsellor? Al Anon? I think now is the absolute best time to get on with these things. Otherwise life starts taking over and certain stuff never gets resolved. Your future depends on it!!
Hi Anna, thanks for the message.
i have been in touch with a counsellor and im hoping i will be able to find the time to go and see her in the next couple of weeks, i really need to get some stuff of my chest. are all Alcoholics or "recovering Alcoholics" so bloody selfish and self centred,he wants ME to talk to the kids and encourage them to see him and call him, and me to pay the mortgage and get the house sold by December, unbelieveable.
but its more unbeileiveable that i actually loved this man once.
I'm so angry i'm ageing by the day
I am sorry to read your post and how furious you are feeling and that is completely understandable.
I read your post and laughed - until I got to the end - Yes I think all addicts, not just alcoholics, are selfish and self centred!
You need to have a think about what you want.....what do you want to tell the kids? When do you want them to see their dad? How often, if at all? Do you want them to build their relationship with him, or do you want him to build the relationship?
I know a few people who are trying to sell at the moment with very little luck. What do you want to do with the house? Do you want to sell? Can you afford the mortgage?
Your anger is normal emsie29, there are various steps that we go through when dealing with loss or grief, have a look:
I have just come across this site - Partners of Drinkers, it looks very new, but interesting, especially if you look at the resources across the top rather than the left hand side
Thanks Anna
I have just sent a message with lots of questions to one of the experts about my options with regards to the house, hopefully she will be able to help me.
I will have a look at the website you suggested and have a good read.
I feel a little bit better after my rant earlier.... Sorry Anna
Thank you
Thanks Anna
I have just sent a message with lots of questions to one of the experts about my options with regards to the house, hopefully she will be able to help me.
I will have a look at the website you suggested and have a good read.
I feel a little bit better after my rant earlier.... Sorry Anna
Thank you
Please do not apologise 
, we are here to help 
Thats great that you have sent an email off, it is so good to be proactive.
I hope you have a good evening and just keep going with the flow
Hi emsie how are you today sorry i didnt get the chance to get on the computer yesterday, i just read your post and yes they are all selfish and self centered!!! My ex moans to me that our daughter doesnt listen when he tells her no and says its getting to be hard work bearing in mind he only sees them for two hours on a saturday , ifelt like screaming at him "what do you think it is like for me every day of the week" but of course i just bit my tongue and just let him sound off, its easier!!!
One of the reasons that i cant go back into the relationship with him is that all he thinks of is himself, he went to sleep when he wanted, got up when he wanted drank when he wanted no consideration for our kids didnt even offer to help out in the mornings when i had to get everyone up for school!!!
How are your children through all this do they Talk to you about him? Look forward to hearing from you, you are not on your own XXX
Hi Trying hard, lovely to hear from you, i was so angry yesturday, Anna ended up helping me over my rant, he just gob smacks me with the things he comes out with, i geninuley don't expect him to come out with the things he says although i should know, i think i expected him to be a totally different person if he ever stopped drinking but he's so selfish and just as you say about your ex its all about him him him and the 'illness'.
The kids are ok he is coming to get them for a couple of hours this evening, i don't think they can work out what they make of it all my son said "well where is he going to take us". i told him he was just going out with his dad to have dinner and if he wanted to come home he was just to tell his dad.
so between the times of 6pm and 8pm (which is not the ideal on a school night) this evening i am going to be pacing up and down until my babies are back home with me x
i did e mail one of the experts about some questions i had about the house and she has given me some great advice, i am so pleased i have found this sight.
how r u trying hard how r u coping ? x
Hi Trying hard, lovely to hear from you, i was so angry yesturday, Anna ended up helping me over my rant, he just gob smacks me with the things he comes out with, i geninuley don't expect him to come out with the things he says although i should know, i think i expected him to be a totally different person if he ever stopped drinking but he's so selfish and just as you say about your ex its all about him him him and the 'illness'.
The kids are ok he is coming to get them for a couple of hours this evening, i don't think they can work out what they make of it all my son said "well where is he going to take us". i told him he was just going out with his dad to have dinner and if he wanted to come home he was just to tell his dad.
so between the times of 6pm and 8pm (which is not the ideal on a school night) this evening i am going to be pacing up and down until my babies are back home with me x
i did e mail one of the experts about some questions i had about the house and she has given me some great advice, i am so pleased i have found this sight.
how r u trying hard how r u coping ? x
Yes this site is so great to help you with them down moments, it has helped me alot just to know someone will always answer my posts.
Im feeling a bit down at the moment i think with christmas just around the corner its all pressure about will i afford things and then pressure of the best time for their dad to see them. We split up in may and only now starting to speak properly again, when he has stopped drinking i think also that he would be different but hes not, hes just not so annoying but the selfishness is still there.
I know how you feel about pacing upand down, when my two went with him the first few times i never left the front window looking out for them, as he never tells me what time he is bringing them back , it does get a bit easier im not so on edge now as they do enjoy going out with him and it saves me a trip to the park!! At first i wanted to probe them a bit as to what he was telling them but all i have done is for my daughter to clam up and not tell me any thing , i know its hard but try not to quiz them they will just tell you things as the days go by.
If you fancy a chat later i will try and be on line between 6 and 8 take care x
Hi Trying hard (am i allowed to ask your name, i'm E pleased to meet you).
Christmas certainly is looming and i know what you mean i'm even starting to panic what he's going to expect over christmas, when will he want to see the kids i love Christmas and he hates it, i've been told to try and take each day as it comes and i know thats right but i can't help thinking about the what if's.
What if he wants to take them on holiday
what if he gets another girlfriend
what if he has more children
what will the kids think when they are older
what if they want him more than me
all these things going whizzing around my head its stupid.
your right about not asking the kids to much and i will remember that tonight they can tell me things in there own time if they want to.
i'll try and remember to go on line tonight if i have'nt gone mad by then, thank you for your support trying hard x
Hi both
Its' great that you are able to compare notes
Emsie 29, we don't use real names on here, just to preserve our indentities....apart from the moderators Anna, Sslly and myself, they are our real names!
I can see you have a lot of questions in your head:
What if he wants to take them on holiday Then you will deal with it on its merits as to where he wants to go and for how long etc.
what if he gets another girlfriend This is almost certain to happen at some time in the future and you need to check she is suitable to be with your children but other than that, there is nothing you can do
what if he has more children Then your children will have a half-brother or sister and it would be good for them to have a relationship with him/her
what will the kids think when they are older They will see things for what they are!
what if they want him more than me Pretty unlikely, but if things settle down they might have an "improved" relationship with him, and that would be good.
However, all these things are for the future, and you need to take baby steps before you look so far towards the horizon.
Hi Louise, sorry i did'nt think and i should'nt have asked.
Thank you for your comments they are all very true, i just need to stop racing ahead in my thoughts.
Hi emsie what a horrid day here in south wales, its raining, dark and windy, anyway, im grabbing five minutes peace before i have to pick my lot up fom school.
The "what ifs" are worse than the actual knowing as i find my mind runs away with its self and im thinking of the worse. If your ex is anything like mine then there is no way that the kids will prefer to be with him, i have always been there for them my little girl is 6 and she answers a strong NOWAY when asked does she want to sleep over her dads. If this changes over the years i dont know but im sure i will be stronger by then. I have been feeling useless and a failure these past couple of months as he just left without talking about it, ive had questions whirling aound my head and to afraid of the answers, but last week i talked openly to him and asked him why he left, he basically said it was because there was nothing left between us as all my (me) time was spent on the kids, no time for him again all about him, if he had helped out abit then i would have more time!!!
Its hard getting use to being on your own there are moments when i love it but i do find it lonely mainly as i have lost all my friends over the years.
I know you say you love having the kids around but in time you will get use to them going out with him and start to enjoy some time for you, you will get there i think both you and i will have to keep in mind what life was like when they were drinking, i know i dont want to go back to that.
Hi emsie how are you feeling not to upset i hope? Thinking of you x
It must be very hard for you, and trying hard is right...you have to keep in mind what life was like, and know you don't want to go back to all that...
Hi trying hard mich, I have just had a bath and washed my hair and an hour and 5 mins has already passed, now I'm going to have a cuppa and then dry and straighten my hair then hopefully they will be back and this horrible sick feeling I have will go.
Thanks for thinking of me hope your both ok xx
Hope you enjoyed a bit of "me time", i tend to have a bath when the kids are out on a saturday it helps to relax doesnt it? That sickly feeling is horrid but once the kids are back it will go xx
Yes,I know how you feel...It's all part of the process we have to go through...Hugs
Hi Emsie, I'm new here too, and even though we separated two and a half years ago, I still have times when the questions and doubts and what-ifs come flooding in, mainly with every new change - or when I'm really pre-menstrual!
You wrote: all these things going whizzing around my head, its stupid.
I don't think it's stupid at all, especially at the beginning, the loss of control over what happens - particularly to your children - is enormous. All your worries will work themselves out eventually, but it's the bit in between that's so hard! And exhausting, and boring - sometimes I amaze myself at how often I can go back to the same old thought/ worry, and it's such a waste of time and energy, but hey, that's how we get through it till the next stage.
Hope today's been ok.
Lucy
Hi Lucy
I feel extremely down today, i suppose i'm worried how my life will pan out, everything seems so negative for me at the moment, i'm worrying about everything, I can't seem to calm my self down.
i hope this feeling goes away soon x
You sound as if you feel panicky, emsie, poor you, it is only natural to have thoughts go round in your head. Try to write your worries on a piece of paper and see if you can answer yourself back, like I did those answers to you in my post above. if the anxiety goes on and affects your sleep, then do have a chat with your GP to see if there is any help available
Hi emsie
sorry to hear you are not so good today how did the kids go with their dad last night? Was he ok with you?
Its hard facing everything on your own but remember why you are doing this and take each step one at a time try not to look at the whole picture but just bits, i use to feel overwhelmed when trying to face all problems and worry how i am going to manage, but with little steps and tackling the problems when they cropped up. Hope i made sense!!! Thinking of you.
Big virtual hug coming your way emsie29 How are you feeling today?
Hi emsie29. Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Have you got anything nice lined up for the weekend? The weather isn't great is it, which of course doesn't help our moods sometimes. Whatever you do, whether it's inside or out, enjoy. xxxx
Hi Emsie, how was today?
Some of the best advice I've had on this site is to remember that nothing is forever, and that things will almost certainly improve. And you're making the first steps, and they're really hard, and your children are doing ok with it all, and you will too eventually.
It's just the waiting to feel better that's the great big bummer, isn't it?
This too shall pass!
Hope you get some sleep,
Lucy xo