Hi all,
Just to introduce myself and ask for some advice!
I am mummy to two boys aged 8 & 5 - have been divorced for 4 years and separated for 6 (I was pregnant when we split). The family also includes a dog, 3 cats, 3 guinea pigs and some sea monkeys!
Things have taken a rather spectacular downward turn here - my ex has been making threats, now wants full custody of the children and for us to leave our home... the whole thing is complicated and messy needless to say. I am going to see a solicitor next week to make a start on sorting through all that mess but in the meantime I am holding it together in front of the kids and falling apart the rest of the time!
I was advised to speak to the solicitor before going to the doctor for some extra support. I have been talking to my mum and sister a lot and they have been real rocks for me, but I feel bad because I know how worried they are and how hard they find it all to deal with - not to mention my brother is serving in a warzone right now and my poor mum is already tied in knots about that. So I wondered if any of you can recommend some safe venting spaces were I can cry and rage and complain and generally let go of everything in a anonymous or protected space??? Maybe online or by phone??
I am really, really scared - mostly of loosing my children, who are everything, but also of the huge changes this will bring for us all. I am trying to be brave and positive but there are moments when the worst case scenarios overwhelm me...
Anyway Thanks for letting me get that all out and in advance for any suggestions you can make!
x
Thanks Hopeful!
We drew up a personal agreement when we separated that meant we sold our marital home and then bought this house together - although only I have ever lived here. He pays the mortgage as his 'maintenance' I guess. He is now saying he won't pay anything and that when I can't find anywhere to live he will step in and take the children...
Hopefully the solicitor will be able to clarify things and make sure everything moving forward is all legal and water-tight.
When I'm being positive I can see that this could be a really good thing for me and the kids although it will be hellish in the short term while it all sorts itself out...
...but then I panic and worry that he really will get custody of the kids no matter how much people assure me that it is unlikely and that is just everything I have been afraid of since he first walked out of the door!
Firstly I would call child maintenance options - they are very helpful
He has to pay you some maintenance so he won't get away with that
I would also call the Samaritans if you need to speak to someone
We are here to support you too - you could also go to your gp
Do you feel he is threatening you? Do you know what has caused this (not that it is acceptable)
@ selaneen please please dont worry - my ex was the same and no court in the land will take your children from you.
I had it all social services letters abuse from his family the lot i was so close to going to bed and not waking up again but these exs play mind games they know how you tick and they know how to distroy you and hit your weaknesses
Please hold it together get some legal advice and get things moving quickly - i let my divorce drag out over 4 years when i really should have got on with it.
Im happy now he got board for the kids he even drives past them in the street and his eldest daughter has just had a baby still drives past her - even walked past her in asda when the baby was a week old - all i can say is HIS LOSS
Let us know how you go on with everything and stay on here ive only been here a few days and i have had so much support
x
Thanks for the advice.
He is pretty threatening but in that way that is more bullying than anything else - name calling, bringing up past issues, being rude about my family etc His threats are... well... 'change when it comes will be swift' as an email sign off for example... so much of it is because he scares me and knows how to manipulate me and it has worked in the past.
The latest issue is kind of... silly... my parents bought my son a guinea pig for his birthday and I stupidly asked the kids not to 'make a big deal of it' because 'Daddy doesn't like that sort of thing' which I shouldn't have done but I was really tired of being yelled at for things that were nothing to do with him, or not my fault or just plain silly and... well... it was a big mistake and wrong anyway. He found out and decided that I was lying and had told the kids to lie and was therefore a bad mum/example etc etc... Also about a month before my son had told his dad that he was getting a hamster for his birthday and I said 'no, no hamsters' because, no hamsters and also because I didn't know about the guinea pig until the day before it arrived!
So yes kind of silly, but I guess there is a lot of other stuff and this is just boiling point.
Thanks Happy Mamma,
Thank you, horrible as it is, it's good to know that other people understand and have these problems... yes my ex always has been very good at getting a reaction from me and he can still get inside my head like no-one else...
I'm sorry things worked out like that with your ex, but as you say his loss.
Hi selaneen, I am sorry to hear that you are in this position. It sounds as though if the house does has to be sold, you are confident that you will get through that.
However it does sound as though you are crumbling under the pressure he is putting on you with his abusive ways.
You are always welcome here anytime to rant and rave as Hopeful says.
If you need to talk to someone on the phone you can call Samaritans any time of day or night (and No it is a myth that you only need them if you are at the point of suicide), their number is 08457 909090.
You might also consider contacting Womens Aid 24 hour phoneline on 0808 2000 247. What you are experiencing IS abuse and it will be affecting your health and your children. They might be able to tell you of a Womens Centre in your area, where you can get further face to face support to help you get through this time.
As mentioned we do have a Legal Expert here on One Space and also a Housing Expert, if you wanted to ask them any questions, then you would get a confidential email response.
Get yourself armed with as much information as possible and keep talking to us, we are all ears!!
How often do the boys see their father?
Thanks Anna, I'm really glad I found the site!
The boys go to their dad fri eve - sun eve every other weekend, then one of the intervening weekends they go for a night (usually sat pm - sun) and then they have a weekend with me, but they usually see him at some point. It has been pretty flexible as their dad tends to have a lot going on - but pretty much if he asks to see them he does. They also talk via skype or phone at bedtime and they often talk to him after school as well.
As an aside - I have seen several people talking about their online profiles and I wonder if your internet life is something that can/does come up in custody cases?? I have a lot of online friends (even if I only know them via screen names and avatars!) but there are some pretty private things I talk about online that I would rather keep to the people I choose to share it with rather than the whole world!
Well I am only talking from a "common sense" point of view but it seems to me that most of what happens online is irrelevant to residency hearings. For a start, someone would have to find out and prove it was you. Secondly, the only things that have relevance are things that might be used to try and prove someone is a unsuitable parent, such as reports of regular drug usage, cyber sex, pornography, you know the sort of thing.
This man has really frightened you, and that's unfair. You have done really well in breaking free from this relationship. It's great that the boys have a lot of contact with him and the only downside to that is that he continues to have an entree into your life. Do you feel uncomfortable about him having contact on an "as and when" basis? If so you can set boundaries and ask for a certain amount of notice etc.
Have you been in touch with the Child Support Agency? As Anna says, it sounds as if you have considered that you maybe cannot fund the home yourself. If you get child support then you can manage your own budget and make your own decisions, and he is no longer in control.
Please be assured that I have worked with separated families for 11 years now and children's residences are only changed if there is a risk to the child or if the child really wants this. Their dad will look pretty ridiculous if one of his main gripes is you not telling him you have a new guinea pig (it sounds like he wants still to control everything...)
Anyways.......how are you today??
Hi Louise,
Thanks for the advice!
I am ok today -going to see the solicitor so a little nervous and shakey but I'm trying to see it as the first step to something better and keeping positive.
We had a good weekend - spent lots of time cuddling with the boys who also got a day out with ex-fil who has been away a lot, and a day out with their Dad too so they were happy.
Plus new glee songs which I am nerdy enough to be excited about - I have put them on my ipod so I can listen to them on the walk to the solicitors which will help me feel better.
While I was sorting out the paperwork for the solicitor, I found notes I took on two other occasions when my ex was being horrible and it made me feel even more like I need to do this.
I am mostly ok with the as-and-when visits - I really do want the boys to spend as much time with their dad and his family as possible - they love him so much, and I just want them to get what they need from their relationship with him.
My online fears are mostly based around the fact that I am out online (I'm bisexual - something I've only come to terms with in the last year or so) but as it is pretty hypothetical right now as I have no room for relationships of any kind I'm not out in my day to day life - this has made me think I ought to tell my parents though... I think I will leave that whole thing for another day when I have a clearer path as to where this is all heading!
He is pretty controlling. My family have long 'joked' that he forgets that he's not married to me anymore - they didn't like the way he treated me even then...
Anyway - thanks to everyone, fingers crossed for me as I am off now to go try sort this out.
Hope everyone has a good day!
x
Aww good luck selaneen at the solicitors, it is nerve wracking, but hopefully afterwards you will have a clearer picture.
You may well feel quite raw afterwards, so try and fit a nice cup of coffee in and time to unwind before the boys get home.
I agree that you have enough on your plate right now, so 'the talk' that you feel you need to have with your parents, can wait. As you said you are in no position to even consider a new relationship, so don't spend time worrying about.
There is no law against being bi-sexual in this country so even if you have expressed online that you are 'out' now, there is little anyone can do about it if they disagree with your life choices. 
Thanks Anna!
The solicitor was lovely and very reassuring - so I feel a lot more like I can deal with this whole mess.
She couldn't give a lot of advice as she needs to look at the divorce paperwork etc and I need to chase down the benefits office - which will involve sitting on the phone in a queue for a while I think!
Still I feel like we are moving forwards and like I won't have to deal with my ex on my own anymore.
Thinking positive, being strong will be the mantra for this week I think!
It really makes a difference feeling that there are other people on your side. Well done for going down there and dealing with it - this is a big step forward.
Did you ring the benefits office or is that a job for tomorrow? One word of advice, I would keep a record of the dates that you ring and what was said, as occassionally, you may be told the wrong thing and it is handy to have notes!
Keep thinking positive and being strong. Things will get thrown your way and there will be moments when you feel like you are going steps forward and one step back. Just keep an eye on the future. You are doing a great job!
Thanks for the tip - I tried today but was on hold for ages and then I had to go to do my school run... 'quiet times' are 8am-9am so I will try then tomorrow.
Meanwhile my ex is back on the warpath. Today his wife went to the boys swimming lesson and apparently reported back on what the boys had to eat for dinner yesterday and today and also their homework situation so the aggressive texts have started again. But I have decided that I don't need to validate every meal choice I make - we normally have 'proper' meals with a choice of veggies etc but yesterday we had a snacky dinner of chicken dippers, potatoes and beans (beans and sausages in the littlests case). Tonight they had pizza - which is usual Tuesday dinner, as the swimming lessons (arranged by him) make a quick meal necessary.
He is also back on the 'lying' because when he told me he was bringing the boys back earlier than planned on Monday and that I would need to give them dinner, I replied to his text and asked what they had had for lunch (this was at 1pm, he said they would be back between 5 -6pm) because I didn't want to 'force 2 roast dinners down them or something' by which I meant I didn't want to cook them a main meal if they had already had one with him, but which he took to mean that I was cooking them a roast dinner... which is a fair enough misunderstanding but not lying! I was trying to be polite and not start being invasive about his family life... grrrr!
Kind of frustrated that he is so quick to jump on something that I'm pretty sure every parent has done... giving a quick and easy meal on tired out days... and that doesn't make me a bad parent!!!
Also a little uncomfortable that he seems happy to 'question' the boys about everything... he just told the little one on the phone that next time I gave him sausage and beans he was to say 'no I want proper food' which is really helpful!!
Bah! Oh well... Now I have offloaded that I feel a bit better!! I don't want to be drawn into justifying every thing I do again.
And Breathe....
Hi Solaneen,
Just thought I would introduce myself as I am a bit further on in the nightmare of court than you but can share your anxiety and sheer exasperation at it all. My ex is an absolutle nightmare and I have had 8 years of hell (we were apart for 6 of those) with him. He held court over my head since the day I left his sorry a**e and like you, I would often convince myself he would win and I would lose my daughter, my panic drove me insane (now on so many pills I rattle lol).
The Court nightmare has actually happened now and to be honest I wish he would have done it 6 years ago so i could have got it over and done with. So far my experiences have been ok (cant say good because i still feel so threatened about being called a bad parent or losing my daughter - but at the same time I know thats all in my head).
Your ex is being a jerk. No you dont have to explain to him your meal choices he is just trying stress you out in the hope that you blow - my ex was exactly the same (even made constant threats of contacting Social Services when he knew I worked for them). I know its hard but try not to buy in to his nonsense, if it does go to court, no judge will be wanting to listen to his rants about your meal choices - take no notice and stay strong.
Good luck hun big hugs x
My ex's latest email:
Did your lawyer say it was all ok they would take your money to wind you up, I mean represent you? Mine does that too. They both get lots of money and win and we both loose.
I guess that means he doesn't want me to see anyone.
Thanks littleangel,
Although I'm sorry for your experience it is nice to hear from someone having a similar situation - I think I am getting to the point were this is a relief, because at least it offers some resolution.
I guess the one thing people can be sure will scare us is loosing our children...
Hugs back to you x
Yes at least it will be resolved as you say. Your meal choices sound fine and not grounds for him to criticise you. At least you have got the ball rolling now. Stay strong and focused, we are right here beside you.
Thanks Louise,
Keeping my chin up!
I rang the benefits people at about 9.02 this morning and got straight through - definately a good tip to pass on - they really are quiet between 8 -9am!!
Hi all!
Yay! Friday!
Thought I would use the chance to summarise the rest of my week - let it out a bit... so feel free to ignore my ranting!
After Tuesdays farce with the meals/homework we move on to Wednesday - leapt out of the shower to answer the phone, it was the school saying that littlest had banged his head but was ok. Then got pulled aside by his teacher at home time to say that he had been really silly in his 1 on 1 time and that she wanted him to write a sorry letter. Dutifully reported these things to their dad when they happened only to have him hang up on me and make several digs about how I parent. Also had to get littlest to write his letter. Also an email wanting to know what benefits I receive and how much from ex - rang the solicitor and she suggested offering an exchange of info.
Thursday - call from ex and several emails - he only wanted to know my finances to help me,he doesn't want to pay less and according to him what he would pay through csa would be. Told him that the solicitor was still working on clarifing things. He told me that that was a threat and 'what did I want' from all this. Then a text in the evening telling me he was nearly in tears thinking about the situation.
I want to say that what I want from this is to not be afraid anymore and that this is happening because he made threats about my kids and home... but I obviously can't.
Today: trying to keep my promise to make sure to communicate with him more re the kids, thus far a text about littlest's assembly and about the pick up tonight was ignored. A text checking who has the kids on a party date - told him the theme and sent a picture of the very cool invite got a response saying he 'couldn't sort it & pay for a lawyer so my choice' which as I hadn't actually asked for anything was a bit weird - when I clarified he said it was 'hard to believe, that he'd had years of counselling to stop seeing himself as a $sign and that was all I saw him as' which is ironic given that he has paid less and less as time has gone on with me taking on bills he was supposed to pay and funding things like school trips because he doesnt have the money this month... grrr so frustrating - I don't want more money!! I just want not to feel like this again, to feel safe and secure... He picked the kids up tonight - I texted him a summary of the school newsletter - his response 'did your lawyer tell you to be extra nice so you look like the perfect ex-wife - it won't work when the real story is told'.
So I guess that means that this is all my fault now and I'm being horrible.
I feel like I need to follow this through though and get something legally stamped even if that means less money from him - I feel like now I need protection from this happening again...
I don't know what he expected me to do in response to telling me he was going to stop paying, make us homeless and then take the kids and that I should take it 'seriously' - I took it seriously and I got help to protect myself and the boys - what else was I supposed to do??????
It's been two weeks since this all kicked off and I am so, so tired of everyday being a new attack - still not sleeping well, now on my own which always makes it harder when I'm not focused on the boys... I am going to go make a list of positives... I might post it later!
Thanks for letting me moan away and rant and wail!!
Hi Selaneen I am not surprised you are having a rant, it sound as though you are doing your utmost to do right by someone who isn't prepared to bend even slightly.
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Talking to your solicitor, so that this can be finished with and you can feel secure, knowing what money is coming in and going out. It sounds as though he has quite a few money problems at the moment.
You say that you are trying to communicate more with him regarding the kids - does he do this for you? Do you get pleasure from doing it?
Did the school issue get resolved, what did your littlest one say about being 'silly' in school??
Hi Anna,
Yes the school issue seems to have been resolved - littlest wrote his sorry letter and was much better at school so that is good. He said that the bump to his head made his 'brain silly' which... well he probably did have a bit of a headache and the excitement etc could well have made him act up, it seemed to be a real issue with concentration etc - sometimes he does have days when he doesn't want to be bothered and acts up, but normally not at school.
I do want the boys Dad involved in their lives and as he said he doesn't feel like he is I want to do my best to help with that. He speaks to the boys every bedtime and often during the day as well but they don't always pass news on so... It is sometimes nice (in the past at least) to share when they have done well or to discuss any problems with someone who has the same love for the kids that I do - and I like to brag about the boys as much as any parent when they do well!! I guess I haven't being doing it as much lately because I'm in the habit of just dealing with stuff and we are busy and I forget but there are times when I speak to him everyday to update him - although that really comes from him because he calls me from work...
He is mixed about doing the same in return - he normally only comes to me when he is having a long-term issue, normally with behaviour and we have tried to talk things through and support each other although it is sometimes hard because the children behave differently for each of us and we have different experiences - not least because I do day-to-day stuff and he does weekends.
I don't generally talk to the children at all while they are with their Dad at weekends (unless they ask, which is rare) I normally contact him on Sunday to find out when he plans to bring them back but otherwise it is an occasional update at handover time. When they go on holiday with him I do normally speak to them every other day. I have only ever know his current address (from our sons party) and two other of his addresses (once because oldest broke his collarbone and I had to rush to be with him at the hospital - the other because I asked so that oldest could send him a postcard the first time we went to stay with my parents). I don't mind not talking to the boys - I know that it can be a pain to be interupted and I don't want to bother or unsettle them... there have also been times when one or the other hasn't been into phonecalls and I have had to bribe/persuade them into talking to their Dad and I don't want them to feel like they have to talk to me.
Yesterday was all quiet, no communication and my sister came to visit which was nice.
Today I texted at about 10am to ask when the boys would be back as my sister and I were going to go out - his response: "you tell me... what your non-binding agreement say. I would rather you didn't interupt our short and precious time together". He has just texted to let me know that they will be back in about 45mins...
In the meantime I have had a text complaining about how the boys homework is done - which seems to refer to something in particular but I don't know what. Followed by "selaneen doesn't respond when in wrong - shocker - faint"
I have reached a point where I don't respond to any of his messages that have digs/complaints/rudeness etc in them because nothing I say will do anything except wind him up - but then as per - if I don't respond he gets mad too. Even my old fallback of 'I got your message' is pointless now.
Had a nice weekend with my sister, saw Dark Shadows which was fun. Really exhausted though and cried all over my sister in public when he refused to tell me when he was bringing them back. How have I ended up being the bad guy in all this??? I want him to have lots of time with the boys, I don't really care if he ends up paying less as long as he is less in control of my finances and I was getting on with how things were until he made his threats!!!
Oh well - I have missed the boys a lot so it will be nice to have some cuddles before bed!!!
Hope everyone had good weekends and got some sunshine to enjoy!!
Hi selaneen, I don't wish to put a spanner in the works, but I feel his messages sound rather disrespectful towards you. I think it is completely fair of you, as you have a working relationship, to ask when the boys will be home and his response is unfair.
You say that you don't respond to these kind of messages because you don't want to wind him up, how about turning it around and knowing that you don't respond to these messages because they are rude and you are not scraping to that level?
I am glad that you had a good weekend with your sister and I hope you boys are home with lots of warmth and hugs and went to bed easily
Hi Selaneen
Sorry I have been a little absent for a few days Ive not been to well, hell with the csa and the exs wife stalking my house AGAIN
These people claim to be blissfully happy so why dont they move on.
I will be on line tonight with my update but i really wanted to see how you were doing
KEEP SMILING EVEN WHEN IT HURTS
Hi happy mamma, sorry to hear you have been having a rough time of it. I hope that you are feeling better.
What is happening with the CSA? Have you contacted our expert?
The ex's wife stalking the house? Have you contacted the police? Do you feel unsafe?
I look forward to hearing your updates.
Hi Anna,
I got on to my local MP on the case there are so many lies with the staff there i have noted everything. My ex had the letter saying next time he misses a payment he will have a DOE (deduction of earning) he missed 6 and now on a payment arrangement! I have demanded a DOE. Sick of my kids and i getting by while they live in the life of luxury - Im not leaving it this time i have now got the strength to fight.
How are you Anna?
Hi happy mamma, brilliant to read that you have got the strength to fight this battle, keep writing it all down, so you can evidence everything.
However ensure that you do not make this battle all consuming, even if you you get the Deduction of Earnings, they are still probably going to manage the 'high life', so keep in mind that you still have all you need to be a happy family.
I have not read your update that you were going to fill us in on last night, I will have a read shortly.
I am well thank you for asking! Loved the weather yesterday, am hoping the sky will turn blue today as the morning goes on.
Hello selaneen
I agree with Anna about spellling it out to your children's dad that you will not repsond to disrespectful texts. As far as parenting goes, what is he teaching the boys? that it is Ok to be disrespectful to women?
I was also wondering about an additional way of taking control. It is one thing for him to want to speak to the boys on the phone but there is no reason for YOU to be in contact with him so often, What do you think about a weekly "report" sent on email, each child could have a sheet and there could be sections like Health, school and upcoming events on it. You could compile it through the week and send it at an agreed time each week. What do you think?
Dear Selaneen,
You have come to the right place for ranting and raving - this forum is excellent and full of people who give fantastic advice, especially the parenting specialists (Louise, Anna & Sally) who will be along in a bit - they have a link to legal people and everything!
Surely within your divorce 'agreement' there is something said about the house and who lives where? He would (in my view, but I am not the expert) have to come up with a very very very good reason to change that. The threats throw you though, don't they, and there's always that little niggle that you are not a hundred percent sure... I know exactly how that feels - been there - and you need all the reassurance you can get!
Everything on here is anonymous and confidential, so you're safe here to pour out your heart.
You sound like you're doing your very best in every respect, so don't let anyone take that knowledge away from you! Good luck with the solicitor!
x