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Hello. I am here to introduce myself, i have been single mum again since 2005, did get married in 1988 also had 6yr old girl then i was single parent to her, her father didnt want her at all, i have got 3 children living but lost 8, still difficult to talk about at times then other times i feel okish or able to talk small amount of time, I have been a member here a long time but felt to scared to post, guess thats all cos of the abuse i suffered from ex, I do have a question i would like to ask if anyone can help with this it would be so appreciated, My son has started to abuse me in some the ways his father did, eg, verbally, mentally, and threatened physical, at the moment i have left my house to a place of safety, he does know where i live at moment but in the next week or so i will be moving back into the community in a bungalow, would i be right or wrong to refuse to give my son my address, i would hopefully still see him but i really cant face thought he might start again, your advice please.....
Hi Silvia, so nice to meet you and you have been so strong and brave to have gone through this, you have survived so much. Sally knows the legal procedures but of course you know this as you have been reading all posts since a long time ...But it must be such a hard thing to do as he is one of your surviving children...
as you have lost so many children, you are more than anyone so attached to the ones you have left and your hope for them so huge. I had 2 miscarriages and I lost my daughter, who was a twin with my eldest. In my Dopple me picture, she is there as I can never not include her, though she was stillborn. How old is your son and what do you think triggered his behaviour ? do you think he is copying what he saw or do you think it is partially in his genes ? I think that nowadays, once children go to secondary school, they change a lot and copy their friends and start being at least verbally abusive and it is so important to put boundaries down. I have followed a parenting course, organised by the council, and if helped so much in ideas or just venting and in my house everything has calmed down putting the boundaries ( my children have been mentally and physically abused) giving them lots to do, inviting their friends and sleepovers to make life attractive but taking privileges away if their behaviour was not appropriate.
I know that when they have been abused and with the aftermath, you tend to overcompensate and indulge them sometimes and they had it so tough, which can make behaviour worst. can you tell us a bit more about the background of your son so we might be able to give some suggestions ? Or do you feel you just can't cope now ?
Big hug and I hope we can give you the support you need xx
thank you sally and skyflower for the replies, i honestly believe he is copying behaviour that his dad used, i tried to protect the kids from seeing the abuse as much as i could, my son has very complex special needs, he is autistic, blind, epileptic, severe learning difficulties, , to name a few, he does have some sight, he is totally illiterate, at one point he was mixing with a few undesirables, and getting into trouble both at home and school, since i left my house he has been back at his dads house, but dad doesnt really want him there cos he is very hard work, now its bugging me do i take him bk or leave him at his dads, i will be moving into one bedroom bungalow, so no room for him really,i just do not know wot is the best thing, when i was with my ex he would shout at me, call me degrading names, quick punch here and there as was same with kicks, wasnt allowed to go out the house unless ex was with me, must never speak to other men, etc, and that is wot my son started to do, i have talked to him tried explaining to him it hurts isnt nice etc but he doesnt care / grasp wot i am saying to him.
Sylvia, my heart goes out to you, so hard to deal with the many difficulties your son is facing. Is there anyone you can talk it over with who knows your son? What does the school nurse and GP say ? Can you talk to them about it? He does need his own room and so do you, of course. So your one bedroomed house is going to be so difficult to live in if you do decide to take him back. If you leave him at his dad's he probably will keep copying him, but it would be more healthy for you. Very very difficult for you
Hi syliva, sorry i somehow thought that you were talking about an adult child so my response may not have been that much help.
Your son has quite a few difficulties that must be tough for you to cope with too, do either of you have support for any of this? It does sound like your son could be copying his fathers behaviour, some support from a domestic abuse service will be able to get you some help, you can call Womensaid on 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to put you in contact with a service local to you.
You could also contact our Domesic Abuse Expert on here for advice.
Hi Silvia, what specialist support does your receive?
Hello, sorry i am confusing you all here i think, my son is an older child, he has just left school today, which also happens to be his birthday, the school nurse and teachers helped has much as they could, but we have no official help at all, well since i was put in a care home under emergency place of safety i have had a social worker, my son had a s.w but cos S swore at him he refused to come to the house to see him again, oh it was alright the s.w staying awake due to feeling threatened by S, there was no consideration towards my safety, the s.w even called the police when he heard S shouting and swearing at me, but i was dealing with the issue and did not need the police to come, this just upset S and he was very angry, trying to calm down a upset teen was not an easy thing at all, then to top it off the police even had film crew, when i asked why they was filming i was told you can ask after i have spoken to you...
That sounds so bad, were they filming because having evidence for an arrest?
So sorry everyone is letting you down
Morning to you all, I do not know why they were filming, i feel extremely let down by social services, a service called camhs (child adolesent mental health service) my son clearly has some mental health issues he is seeing a physciatrist on a 2 weekly basis, but apperently she will only see him 2 more times then she closes the case, i do not understand how 8 sessions can be of any help, he also has a support worker, but again i do not understand how she is helping him, he goes to see her again fortnightly, but she is supposed to be getting a flat for him, but he will never manage alone, no matter how many times i tell them his probs i always get told he will be ok, i have even been told i am paranoid, maybe i am, but i know my son better than they do..
S doesnt like food so tries to avoid eating he will never be able to cope alone he is totally illiterate, so how can he follow instructions? he cant evn do a shopping trip and get what he needs, he can only concentrate on one thing at a time, if he is told he needs 2 items from the shop he cant recall the items and will come bk with the wrong items, it is so frustrating to try to help the so called professionals to see S's probs, they know what they are doing i dont... i was told a few weeks back let us deal with the situation, the situation was escaalating out of control, and once the pro's got to know about the issues they were sorted by myself and his dad, the pro's caused S to blow a fuse, which caused S and his dad to have massive arguement, which i got dragged into so again i had to be peace maker which was not easy to do over telephone, i eventually had had enough so cancelled the telephone call, his dad should know better then to argue, but he acts like spoilt little brat, he has to be in the right, everyone else is wrong..
so now you have bit more insight into the volatatile situation, after they stopped argung they both ring me to tell me the other person was wrong...
Hi Sylvia, what a horrible situation, having to chose between your own safety and supporting your child! Thanks for talking about it here on the forum, even just talking about shows that you are taking steps to deal with it.
It is particularly hard for parents of older teen to get help. Social Services tend to only really get seriously involved after the police have get involved, and even then it seems to be luck of the draw. If you are lucky you might get a social worker who really tries to work with you and your child, but even then, they can only give you limited time. There are some organisations who might be able to help you, and I would try giving them a call to see what they have to say. The Challenging Behaviour Foundation have a phone help line and (0845 602 7885) and email service. One of the most helpful organizations for help with teen mental health, including disability are our friends at Young Minds. We have worked with them a lot and they have always been really good, even if they can only give you information for where to go next.
But no matter how hard the choice is, your must stay safe, you need to look after your own well being to be able to help your children. As you are moving into a one bedroom house there would also be the problem of where he'd stay.
Can you talk to him at the moment? Is there a chance he might talk to some of the people at organizations like Young Minds?
Hello sylvia and well done for getting up the courage to post
I understand how difficult this decision must be for you, after all that you have been through, you don't have to give him your address your main priority is to keep you safe, would you be able to write/email him? you could say that you would still like to have a relationship with him but that you will not take that behaviour/treatment from him.