Hello everyone,
I am new here. Just wanted to say ''Hi" and introduce myself.
I am divorced (beend for over 2 years now). I have two daughters (6 and 11) who live full time with me. I think I am one of the minority of fathers who keep their kids after a divorce. I feel priviliged about it; I don't think I could handle not having the kids. They are my life. It is hard work, but worthy it.
I found this website by chance while I was looking for a forum/chat site for single parents. Life as a single father can be quite lonely, especially if you don't have family around, so I was looking for a way to meet new people.
I have found that since the divorce, my social life has been non-existing. My ex and I divorce shortly after moving to a new town, so I didn't know anyone. Since then I have spent my time between work and caring for my kids, with no much time left for myself. this has meant that I have not been able to make new friends. My kids spend the weekend with their mum every forthnight, so I do get a little bit of 'me' time, but when they are away I do not know what to do. It is a bit depressing, but I keep telling myself that it is only for a short time, until my kids grow up and become more indipendent.
Does anyone have (or has had) similar experience? How do you approach it?
Thanks
hi, thanks for sharing. I have joined a running club but it is difficult to make 'real' friends with people that you see only once a week for an hour.
But a good start... Do any go to the pub after for an orange juice?
Before I had children I used to play a lot of badminton, and we would be in the pub or in someone's house after. I really enjoyed that.
Hi Single Dad 13 and welcome to One Space from me
Life as a single parent can be a very lonely experience as you find your feet, ensuring the children are watered, fed and emotionally catered for, you have a roof over your head as the divorce/separation goes through.
I am thinking that the last two years has been just you and the children coping with the new set of circumstances and finding your way. Well well done for getting this far, as it sounds as though you are now ready for the next stage!
Finding friends and creating the future! You might be interested in this article Making New Friends, which gives some godd ideas for overcoming loneliness.
Do you not have any family around? What about friends, have they all drifted away? Are you currently working? What are your colleagues like?
No, they don't go for a drink, but it would hard for me anyway because I have to pick kids up after running (I drop them off at their mum while I go running). If I go for a drink, then the kids would need to wait and stay up until I come back to pick them up; I don't think that's fair on them. Another option would be for them to stay overnight with their mum, but then in the morning they would not be able to get to school unless I pick them up (they go to school in the local village and their mum cannot take them... she has a car but no money for petrol... as you can see it is not straightforward). I just don't want to complicate the kids' life by dropping them off and picking them up all the time.
Thanks Anna for your welcome and the link. I'll have a look at it later. As I explained above, I do not have family around, and got separated with my ex shortly after moving where I live now, so I didn't know anyone then, and through the painful separation/divorce process, going out to socialise was not on my mind (as well as not being possible since I have kids with me all the time).
Now I am stuck ... I get free weekends every forthnight (when kids go to their mum's), but beacuse I do not have friends to go out with, I stay home. I work in a small company (only a few people) and my colleagues do not meet outside of work.
I have found that guys generally stick with their small group of friends they have known since they were in school. They hardly break out of their small circle of friends. I have moved a bit, because of work, and my experience is that guys take longer than girls to make 'close' friends. Do a little test, look at the guys you know (brothers, husband or ex, collegues etc...), I bet that in most case, they usually hang out with people they have know for many years. Is it true?
Anyway, I'd better go to bed now, it is getting late.
Hey Single Dad 13,
Just wanted to say 'Hi'!.
I had a sort of similar experience years ago. I was having a tough time with my daughter's dad (we were living in another country). Went to stay with my parents whom had moved from my birth town. Ended up moving there. I got work but my colleagues were alot older than me and lived in other areas :(.
Do you find the age difference between your children difficult?. Mine are 5 yrs apart.
I understand the not being able to go out and then when you can not having plans or people avaliable to spend time!.
Sorry not being much help!.... Poppy10
HI singledad13 and welcome from me, too. The article Anna has given you a link to also contains details of a couple of useful organisations ie Meet Ups and Spice. Both of these will have weekend activities where you can go along on your own and there will be others in the same situation. In our street we also do things together, parents and kids, that is something you could do, have a get to know the neighbours, maybe you would have to host a thing at your house? even if they are not people you would then go out with during your free weekend then it is good to increase your social circle generally and also I recon the more people you know, the more weddings/parties you might get invited to, heh heh, anyway look at the article, there are loads of ideas.
My chiildren (boys) have five years between them too
Hi Poppy10 and Louise. Thanks for your comments.
I have now read the article and found it helpful. I am going to have a look at the links now.
My daughters are 6 and 11 and are very close. Their age gap has not been a problem. I am biased, I know, but I think they are the most gourgeous daughters a dad could have! 
Hi singledad 13, nice to meet you.
I think its dificult to get a social life going when your life has changed so dramatically. I have quiet a good social network but a lot of my friends are married with children so on my 'child free days' my female friends were busy with their families. I have now built up a group of friends who either have older children so are free when I am or who are divorced and are 'child free' the same time I am. It took a long time, I have been separated for nearly 2 years now, but there is ususlly someone I can spend time with. I have to do most of the organising but thats ok.
Is there anyone in your running club who you could go for a sunday run with? If it works out you could perhaps suggest stopping for a coffee after the run for a chat?
I joined Parkrun, they meet every saturday, I'm sure you could find one near to you, they're all over the country. They always have a link with a cafe where people meet up after the run for a catch up.
Louise's suggestion is a good one with your neighbours, if the weather ever improves you could plan a get to know you picnic in your local park, with games for the children.
Hi pancakequeen, yes it is hard to have a social life when you are a single parent. I found that one of the difficulties I experience is that not always I can arrange childcare on a short notice. I do not want to use babysitters so my 'kids-free' time depends on my ex availability. On one occasion a couple of people from my running group asked my to join them for a drink after a run, so I called my ex to see if she could keep the kids for a little longer, but she couldn't so that was it, a good opportunity gone. That's life.
I have recently found out about parkrun and registered. I went last Saturday for the first time, but unforunately I went at the wrong time. I thought it was at 9.30, but it started at 9. I got there late 
! I'll try again this week, if I can, or perhaps next week. What's your PB?
I can quite see why you don't want loads of babysitters, however if you were still in a couple you would have evenings out together and get an occasional sitter, wouldn't you? I had another parent with children at the same school who worked fulltime in a wellpaid job so she had her own nanny. This girl came once a week to my house, she brought a ready meal for her tea which she cooked at my house, and this enabled me to go to college one night a week. I did not have to pay her much, she was living with her fiance's parents at the time and she was glad of a peaceful evening on her own.My boys were then 4 and 9 and usually I would only do anything if they were with their dad but it really did make a difference having that one night a week, the boys did not feel neglected at all and they liked Mum going to college. The only trouble was the youngest used to say can you ask X not to bring such smelly curries for her tea!
Don't forget that as parents one of our jobs is to model adult behaviour and your girls will learn from you that however devoted a parent is, it is good to have some me time and that is what every adult needs, and I hope they will have, as they become young women and eventually parents themselves 
I ended up waiting until my older two were able to babysit.
I have started to go out with a couple of friends (one is a lone parent) - only to the pub up the road for a bar snack - just before Christmas. We're off out tonight (although I will only be there for an hour as there are other things going on here), which will be the third time we've managed to sort out a time.
It was a long wait really, as yesterday it was 9 years since the ex and I split up.
If I could have found a babysitter, I would have though. I used to babysit for three families when I was a teenager
Having said that I still don't go far!! (This pub is two minutes up the road!)
sparklinglime, I am so pleased to hear that you are going out I hope you have a lovely evening. I think it can do us a world of good, just being in a different environment from the home or workplace.
Single Dad 13, what did you think of meetups or Spice, anything in your area?
Hi sparkinglime, I like Spice, but nothing around my area, the closest group is around 1hour away. Found a local group on meetups and I have registered. There is a walk I might be able to do with them at the end of next month. Looking good. I hadn't heard about these two websites before.
Hi!.
Can I just ask what Spice is? :)
Hi that's great news, singledad13
Poppy10, Spice is an activity group, not just for singles but also for partnered people who want to make new friends. Many of the activities are sporty. You can see more details by clicking here.
Hi Single Dad 13
I was just wondering how you were getting on? I hope you've managed to build some time for your interests into your busy life.
I found your thread really helpful as this is exactly what I am going through at the moment.
x
As a moderator, it's always good to read that one parent's experiences have been helpful for another One Spacer to read - I think it's one of the best aspects of this site.
So true Mary. I have to laugh though as I have bookmarked the article on here to read "when I have time"! I didn't notice myself doing it but now I think about it it's crazy that I felt I didn't have enough "me" time to read about how to get "me" time and what to do with it.....flipping heck!
x
Ha ha, that is classical GEM!!
Have you found time for You and read it yet??
That one made me chuckle!
Hadnt even noticed!!
Well no but I have done three things for me instead:
1) I emailed my nearest single parent group which I had put off doing as it is 40 mins away.
2) I signed up to be a volunteer with St John's Ambulance
3) I phoned 5 friends and managed to actually speak to one of them (!) and I didn't apologise for bothering them which is a first :-)
So although I still haven't read the article about making friends I have done okay so not too bad!
x
Sounds like you have made time to do things that felt important to you, but sounds like joining the group will be good for your family and I'm sure your friends were pleased to hear from you as well.
I am notoriously bad for putting myself at the bottom of my list of priorities. I sometimes have to stop and shake myself - and then treat myself to a long luxurious/luscious bath with a good book (and sometimes a glass of something red)
I think it's important to factor in 'me time', no matter how difficult it might be finding that time.
Hi GoodEnoughMum,
I am doing great, thanks I am trying to create more "me" time opportunities, by asking my kids' mum to look after them more often. From May, we are also going to try something new, the kids will spend half of the week with me and half of the week with their mum. This will give me more time by myself, but most importantly it will give the kids more time with their mum. The kids like the idea but I hope it is not too unsettling to 'jump' from one home to another every 3 days.
Does anyone have similar experience?
Hi, just wanted to say I really admire you. When I have an ex who lets his kids down,it's great to see a man living to to his responsibilities. They're lucky to have you. I know it's tough but your time will come!! It won't always be like this (that's what I tell myself anyway)
Hi Single Dad 13,
Good to 'meet' you
I'd like to echo seriouslyannoyed sentiments - it sounds from your posts that you are doing a sterling job and focussing on what is best for your children.
A's dad and I share parenting, but it's a lot more 'bitty'. I think the idea of children having a block of time with each parent is a great idea; both on practical terms and allowing children to have meaningful time (and relationships) with each parent.
I hope the new arrangement you are planning works out well for you and your daughters - stay in touch and let us know how it's going.
I do hope things settle down well. My youngest has a friend who is with his Dad one week and his Mum the next. The parents have worked hard to make it work, and I know when my son has been at parties, or the friend has come to something going on here, it has been either or parent bringing him. I know them both equally well
My son is getting on a bit now though (14) so they just meet up nowadays...
thanks for your comments.
I know some parents do let their kids down, I just don't know how it can be possible. I adore my girls, I could never imagine giving up on them. As you said, seriouslyannoyed, it can be tough at times but I would never change this. I love having my kids with me. It might be hard now but I know that I am building a strong relationship with them which will last for the rest of my life. If I were to see them only once a week, like many dad unfortunately do, I would miss so much! I don't think I could live with that.
Good for you singledad. Your girls will reap the benefits of your determination and love. I only wish my ex could see things the way you do.
I have a friend who does the week with him and a week with the mum, it works well for him now but I wonder how easy it will be when his kids get older, as he lives 30mins away from his ex.....however I'm sure he will find a way as he is as determined as you to put his children first.
I agree. Whatever they put you through, however hard it is, it is worth every second. those dads that don't give 100% will be the ons to miss out in the long run
I do think the children do miss out too in a lot of cases. I know my daughter - even though she is now 19 - would so love to be a Daddy's Girl. I was with my Dad, and I do feel that she has missed out.
Something else I can live with, but can't forgive.
Without a doubt, but she will in the long run realise that you gave her everything you could. Did he? I genuinely believe they will always love their dad, always want more from him. They will always realise that there is a gap in their lives but not one that is big enough to put a hole in it. Fingers crossed
How's it going so far with the 50/50?
Gem
x
Hi
Good to see you here.
My lot were quite young when I divorced, and I did find the same problems. Forum life became my social life!
Almost 5 years now I became a Scout leader, and try and do district events too in the hope of meeting new adults. I have met new adults, but can't say I've got a social life out of it.
Even though my lot are now older, I'm still general dogsbody and taxi driver! My youngest is now 14, so I figure I'm almost there (he was 5 when I divorced).