Hi,
I don't know whether you have any advice you can give me.
My son is 8 in Mrach, he is autistic, high functioning. He dad left us 5 years ago and has continually denied my son has autistim and not made any allowances to this.
He has never been regular with contact despite my begging and pleading for him to give us more than a couple of hours notice for my sons sake. In the past he was violent toward me, my eldest son(not his), even leaving him at a park and ride station when he was 8 and driving off because he answered him back. He has also hit the son I am talking about.
Last year my son refused all contact with his father. He would not say why and to cut a long story short after weeks of me having to have his father sat in my front room for hours on end, whereby he would just sleep my son said out of the blue "If I have to see dad again I will kill myself". I got very upset and phoned the social workers who said follow his wishes. I phoned his dad who was not concerned by this at all. My son then said again when in the bath is there enough water in here for me to drown myself so I don't have to see dad again"
All of this was explained to my sons physcologist and social workers and they said I should not force my son to see his father. His father did not bother to contact me or reply to my texts for over another month then only to ask what he should buy for christmas.
After Christmas I went back to having the father into my home for hours on end, my son would sit in his wardrobe with the door closed and barricaded the entire time.
My ex then took me to court, I explained all this to cafcass and they suggested my ex see my son every saturday whereby I should invite my ex into my home and make him his tea, ring me on a monday with arrangments and ring every wednesday to speak to or try to speak to my son. That was March this year, he has never stuck to any of that. He did visit a couple of times the last being the begining of May 2012 from then I had an email 3rdJune and an Email 3rd of August, not once enquiring about my son just a list of dates to which he then never turns up.
Last friday I had a letter from the CSA saying he is reducing the money he gives us by £140 a month and yesterday I had a letter from his solicitor saying he want to take it back to court as he is anxious to have a relationship with his son.
I spent £1300 in solicitors fees for the court hearing in March this year and being a student I do not have that kind of money to do it again.
Please has anyone got any suggestions? I have a little boy who is terrified he might be forced to see a man that has no regard for him at all, he seems to use him as a tool to beat me with. I have only just my son to stop obsessivly locking doors and windows and barricading them before he goes to bed because he is so terrified of this man. And yet the solicitor keep telling me it doesn't matter whether my son is afraid, hit or ignored during contact as that contact is better than no contact at all. I do not know where to turn no one whatso ever is interested my my little boy and his well being.
Please any advice on how I should proceed with this would be amazing
Hi Anna,
Thank you ever so much, its so nice to get everything off my chest.
I have already emailed the Legal expert and am awaiting a reply.
I have really had enough now. He has pulled stunts like this for the last couple of years (Every year during my summer exams at uni and twice this year). My son does not know whether he is coming or going and this seems to just go over his fethers head. It also seems the legal profession are not concerned at all.
I have contacted the CSA myself as he has not declared income that he gets from a rented house so they are supposedly sending forms to me for that. But yet again this is the third Christmas in a row he has reduced the money (its not something I should complain about as I know many people do not get anything). To be honest I would for go all the money if he would leave us alone and allow C to live a happy life, I have put this to him and he just laughed.
Due to being a post graduate student working silly hours in a lab I do not have time to go to meetings very often especially with the boys.
All I want is a happy life and for both my boys to grow up secure in their own home with no more hurt and disruption. My ex can and has made loads of promises in court before and broken every one. It seems the legal side of things says the absent parents has all the rights never mind the emotional effect it has on the child. I just cannot believe how these educated people within the court setting cannot see from his previous actions that this man has no intention of every putting his little boy first.
Hello emzyh
Just to say that in the law the rights are on the side of the child....but to see their parent, not to be protected from emotional upset, as you have unfortunately seen with your son. I have worked with separated parents for many years now and I have seen a lot of parents without day to day care getting very aereated about wanting time with their child and then not going through with it. As you say, it sounds as if he is doing this to get at you, since you have not stopped him seeing your son.
May I suggest you write down a summary of visits not made, inlcuding dates if you have them. If you can show the court that you are very amenable to access then that is very much in your favour. Can you get some letters from professionals, such as GP and/or a teacher giving their professional view that your son needs routine and to know where he stands, which we know all children do, but more so if on the autistic spectrum.
Another idea re money....do you receive DLA for your son?
Louise,
Yes I have DLA for him so that side is sorted.
He has disability social workers too but they say they can't get involved in this kind of thing but I can request my file if I like which has notes from the last few years in it. My son also has a psychologist because he is autistic and has ADHD, the last one was awful and would not help, the new one seems amazing though and I am sure if I asked he would write something.
What I have done so far though whether this is right or wrong I do not know...
I have written to his solicitor and said I will go to mediation (if he will pay) as I think it is really important. I feel I need to know his long term intentions on contact, whether he will keep it up or not I also would like him to realise that the irregular contact causes disruption and upset which he hasn't seemed to care about in the past. I also need to be assured he understands that my son does have special needs and as a father he needs to accept these and adapt his own behaviour to compensate for the needs of his son. These are important issues that I think need resolving for the health and well being and future happiness for our little boy. I then went on to say to his solicitor if this took place and we sorted these matters out and came to agreement that he would follow what the court said to him in March this year then I would reinstate contact in my home supervised by me. However, all this depends on my son and the effect it has on him.
I was also awakened this morning by an email off his (the first since August) giving a list of dates specifically 15,16,22,23,24 December that he wants my son. I have not replied to this email as I thought I have laid my case out in writing to his solicitor and besides that I do not want my son upset or disrupted over Christmas I want him to enjoy his Christmas not spend it sitting in his wardrobe frightened as he did last year.
I am really not trying to be aukward at all but I need to know he is seriously this time because my son has had 5 years of messing around and there has to be an end to this. On top of that if I can avoid this situation going to court that too would be preferable especially when the odds are that they will force my son irrespective of his problems and needs to see thios man on what amounts to no more than a whim on his fathers part. At least this way I am not refusing contact and I can monitor the situation for myself and tell him to leave if it all gets too much for my little boy.
Hi emzyh this is an awful situation for you to be in, i can see that you are wanting to do the best for your son.
Do you think that mediation if your ex agrees will change his behaviour towards your son?
Hopefully you will get a reply back from our legal experts soon.
Hi Sally,
No to be honest I don't think anything will change his behaviour. I feel like I am letting my son down agreeing to let this man into our house but I feel totally unsupported by the legal system. If I want to fight it I have to have money which I do not have otherwise it will be forced upon my son. At least this way even if he is only in the house 5 minutes and my son hides and does not come out it cannot be said I am denying him contact.
What the court and my ex do not realise is this mess with my son is completely of his own making and all this fuss is not going to build a relationship. With regard to my sons point of view the days of him having a relationship are gone. I know he is very young but he knows his own mind and he decided after the shouting and hitting he was subjected to that he did not want to know this man, and even bribery with his favourite toys (by his dad) has not worked. My son even came to the front door and asked him to leave and never come back. But in my ex's head this means he is a good father and my son really wants to see him. He is a real fantacist thats the problem, if he could come to terms with that then his relationship with my son and his son from a previous relationship would be a lot better I'm sure.
I think the letter about mediation was a good idea! Do keep a copy of any letters you have written.
As your son gets DLA, I would encourage you to apply to The Family Fund, who provide annual grants to children with special needs...not that that solved the problem with his dad, it was just something I wanted to mention to you.
Dear emzyh, welcome to One Space
What a terrible time you have been having of it. Your poor little boy sounds very unhappy and absolutely certain he doesn't want to see his dad at the moment. This must be taking its toll on you.
I am afraid that I don't have any of the answers however please email our Legal Expert free of charge, who will be able to advise you on this situation.
You might also be interested in contacting our CSA Expert too, to see if there is any way you can appeal the decision regarding your ex paying maintenance. Has he reduced his hours do you think?
Are you in contact with any organisations that support parents with children with autism? Have a look at this link and put your details in the area on the right and see if there is something locally. It would be good to find as much support as possible right now, as it sounds as though this is really grinding you down.
The letter that you received from his solicitor, does he lay out anything about what he would like to see, rather than going straight down the court route?