div id="user-info" class="buttons"> RegisterLog in

This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.

Help in arranging contact arrangement

Aliray

Hi, I'm new and not really sure where to start.

I have 3 children, 2 from my marriage.  My ex husband and I are amicable and are flexible, if the need arises, with our arrangements regarding our children.

My problems are with my youngest sons father. We split up a year ago.

I consider myself to be reasonable, however my sons father doesn't want to give me notice as to when he wants our son.

He works for an airline, and therefore works on a roster basis which is flexible. I understand this, however he is unwilling to give me dates he would like our son.

He gets to know his trips 2 months in advance. When he tells me when he wants our son he won't tell me when he's bringing him back or he will be vague and say at the weekend. It is so distressing for me, I have spoken to a solicitor, who told me I shouldn't allow him to take our son without a return date. I said this to my ex, and he told me to tell my solicitor to '**** off' !!!

I am collecting my son tomorrow, but no time has been arranged. I know that if I suggest a time, he will say no.

He explains his behaviour is, all my doing and it would change if I would take  him back for the sake of our little boy.

He pays me no maintenance, but will ask if our little boy needs anything. He then buys it, ie nappies, wipes etc.

I have asked, repeatedly for us to go to mediation or even relate, but he won't unless I promise to give our relationship another go.

I have booked an app with a solicitor for next week, but I'm so scared of his reaction as he's told me things could get 100% worse if I do anything.

Help, would be greatfully recieved if you can.

Posted on: March 4, 2011 - 3:20pm
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Aliray

I have just been saying Hello to you on the other thread.

Firstly, your son's dad has no right to try to blackmail you into getting back together with him. His relationship with you is a completely separate matter from his responsibilities as a dad.

Secondly you are able to receive Child Support through official channels if it is not voluntarily given...approximately 15% of his salary if he has no other children. It is vastly preferable to make an agreement between you but if neccessary you can go through the Child Support Agency. See here for your options.

Thirdly, the contact: your son has a right to a relationship with his dad and it sounds as if you have things fairly sorted with the dad of your other two children. Your solicitor is right, you need to know approximately when your little one will be back and if his dad is not prepared to stick to an agreement, once again this may have to go through official channels.]

What are you seeing the solicitor about? it is not for the father to tell you "he will make things 100% worse", that is threatening behaviour and you have to tell your solicitor about that. I suggest a solicitor's letter to the other parent requiring him to desist from threatening behaviour, asking that amicable agreements are reached with regard to child support and parenting time and explaining that you will be forced into more official action if not and any further threats will be reported to the police. A word of caution: if you decide at any point to withold contact and the father went to court, he would almost certainly be granted parenting time and so it is far better to sort this out between yourselves if possible. 

Posted on: March 4, 2011 - 4:07pm

Aliray

Hi Louise,

Thank you for your response. I would never withold contact as he's our son and needs his Daddy as much as me.

I have contacted a solicitor for advice and to see if we can sort out an arrangement suitable for everyone.

I feel, rightly or wrongly, that my ex is witholding the dates he wants our son to retain some control over me. If I don't know, I can't make plans.

He doesn't want to come to an arrangement as it is something I want. And as I initiated the split, I'm not having things my way again...

I just want things to be amicable between us. I fear for the future when he tells our son. Mummy wouldn't try and keep us together as a family. He has told me he will tell our son this.

 My older two children initially loved him, as I did. I fell pregnant accidently after only 6 months. It was only then that we started seeing a different person emerging.

Posted on: March 4, 2011 - 4:31pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Hi

As awful as it sounds, even a Solicitor's letter may not change the way things are.

I think it can be impossible to make an unreasonable person behave reasonably or amicably.

In my view, if he doesn't agree to pay maintenance voluntarily, then perhaps the CSA should be approached. 

At the end of the day, you are doing all you can to ensure that your son has a good relationship with his Dad.

Perhaps a way of doing this would be to say when your son is not available for contact if you want to plan time away.  In my case The Git would cancel contact at the last minute if he had a hint of me having plans, which is why I suggest doing it this way.

I feel that even if he did take the matter to Court, the agreement that you have had with your older children's Dad shows that you see contact as a priority.

 

Sorry, I think I must be in a moidering mood, and sure that could have been condensed into one paragraph...

Posted on: March 4, 2011 - 5:04pm

Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aliray, how distressing for you. Please remind yourself that you are completely capable of being fair and compromising as the relationship with your other ex shows, so, when this ex becomes unreasonably, try really hard not to take it personally, he is trying to get to you and will take pleasure in knowing/thinking/seeing that it is working. - A bully.

I think Louise said it all, tell your solicitor about the threat and let him know that if he keeps it up you will report it to the police. It sounds as though this relationship will never be a reasonable one, I'm sorry to say. 

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It is a course for women who have lived through domestic abuse, what your ex is now doing IS abusive. Have a read of the Good Father and see if you recognise any of the behaviours.

 

Posted on: March 7, 2011 - 3:53pm

Aliray

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.

Just a quick update. My ex called me this am to tell me that he'd enquired about a nursery that is close to him, so that he could send our son on the days he has him, so he can start playing with other children. I said thats fine, and I'd like to have a look around. He wasn't happy and said wasn't his word good enough. He hasn't even been there himself, his neighbour has recommended it to him.

This started an argument regarding our previous problems, ie, dates he wants our son and maintenance. He has now offered me the dates when he gets them and if I tell him what I need for our son, he will get them.

I said I wanted to be able to choose what is bought for our son. He is now offering for me to buy what he needs and give him the reciepts and he will reimburse me. I told him I would think about it and he told me I was a ****ing disgrace.

I've been to a solicitor this morning and will be getting a letter drafted to be sent to him.

My ex has told me that due to the fact I am on child tax credits and working tax credits and the amount of nights he has our son, I will get 0 from going through the csa.

He has also told me that the courts don't sort these problems out anymore and hadn't my solicitor told me this?

He has said there will be a war if I want one and also if he had his way he would have full custody of our son if he could.

He has called me so many times today and my mum had to walk away because of the twisting and manipulation she heard.

Just don't know whether I have the strength for all of this, and just feel weak for wanting to close the door on everything.

 

 

 

 

Posted on: March 8, 2011 - 3:47pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I am not surprised you feel so exhausted with everything that is going on. Please do not let him bully you into just giving in to whatever he demands....that is what he is trying to achieve, by the sounds of it.

Any CSA money has got nothing whatsoever to do with any benefits you receive. In the current system it depends solely on the income of the parent without care. If they have the child for more than 104 nights (not days) per year (ie twice a week) then the amount payable is reduced pro-rata.

It is easy for me to say "stay strong" and difficult to do, I know that from personal experience but the actions you take now will lay the foundation for the future for you and your son. We are all here for you. Laughing

Posted on: March 8, 2011 - 5:18pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I do know how tiring it can be.

Perhaps the time has come to not communicate with him verbally?  Just in writing whether it be via a solicitor or not.  You then have paper evidence and can stick to facts rather than things getting emotional.

Personally, I would take the matter to the CSA.

In my case, The Git has done all he can to pay as little as possible, and we have been ok.  Even though he is now studying, so far, I'm still getting £58/month from him (I have four children).

If you can, please make sure you are eating properly and try and rest when you can.  My main advice would be to fit in as much laughter as you can manage with your children into the day.  Its surprising how it can help.

My very best wishes.

Posted on: March 8, 2011 - 5:52pm

Aliray

Thank you so so much for your kind words. You Don't know how much it means to me. I've just got the little one to bed and now off to do a meal for the older ones ! :-). I'll let you know how I get on. He's picking my little one up tomorrow pm. But has asked me to pick him up between 8 and 9 am. After speaking to the csa. I see his reason for this ! ;-). Oh well, will keep a diary from now on and try not to let him pull me down to his level. Onwards and upwards ! Thank you again x

Posted on: March 8, 2011 - 7:35pm

Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aliray

Always a good idea to keep a diary even about the smallest things that happen between you. 

I agree with sparklinglime, try and keep verbal contact to the absolute minimum. Perhaps you could ask your solicitor to request that in the letter they are writing?

I had to do this, of course my phone was constantly ringing and nasty messages left on answer machine, which occassionally would be heard by my daughter, until I finally changed all numbers. My mum sadly had to change hers too.

Anyhow, at the moment you might be feeling that you should and want to deal with this amicably, but the sooner you realise that this may not be the case, the easier it will be to move on and feel a little bit more in control. Your ex won't like it, but he will see that you aren't going to be easily manipulated.

I had a couple of mantras for many years (in fact still use it now, when necessary!!)

"I love and approve of myself" (when I was feeling guilty or doubting myself)

"I am in control of my life" (Not him, or money or society)

Try repeating these over and over again throughout one day (400/500 times) - you will be surprised how differently you feel.Smile

I also have known that feeling of weakness and it is wretched, so please really work hard at doing something for yourself, or you as a family, something that will make you feel proud.

So Aliray what will it be?

Posted on: March 9, 2011 - 1:05pm