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Hello, ok so here it is. Please bare with me as I do not really use online forums or discussion boards. I am currently trying to cope with an enormous amount of stress. I am 34 weeks pregnant and expecting a baby boy. My partner decided to leave me about 6 weeks ago. We were arguing alot and the relationship was on the rocks for awhile. I did however think we would manage to get through it. Whats happened since has been a huge amount of misery, pain, stress and upset. He has been far from nice and has also started seeing someone else ( I found out in the last couple of days, a girl he works with). He told me he still wants to be a father, and to support us financially and to be part of his sons life. The thing is, hes been insensitive, thoughtless and is still bullying me to this day even though we are not together anymore. I am trying to except the relationship is over, as well as trying to except he has moved on so incredibley quickly and also trying to deal with the pregnancy at the same time. It's been the worst time and I really want to get through it for my babies sake but its killing me. I told him he is welcome to come to the appointments and be at the birth, but the last appointment I had he was so angry with me from the night before (we had an argument on the phone), that he just sat there not talking to me which made me feel worse. I haven't been in touch with him nor do I really want to, I'm trying to hold it all together and every time I see him I get small panic attacks. I dont know what to do. Please help.
Thank you, I know it is a good thing the father wants to be involved.. I know some people aren't lucky enough to have that and do have to cope with being on their own entirely. I just think the way he has been behaving has made me feel like I can't see him actually being there for the baby right now. He's been putting me through alot and I don't want anything to do with him till the baby is born. I do have friends and family and they have been an amazing help, I just feel incredibley lonely and iscolated no matter who is there to talk to.
Hi again. Have you been able to speak to your midwife or GP about the panic attacks? That would be a positive step for you. As for the appointments, if he is making you stressed by being there, then you can simply tell him not to go. Explain the reasons why clearly and firmly, and hopefully he will change his behaviour. In what way is he bullying you?
Its great that you have support, and I do know what you mean about being lonely and isolated. I think most of us here can identify with that one. When the door closes, and it is just you, then yes, we can seem isolated, but very soon, you will have the baby, and with that comes baby clubs (if you're interested in them). You'll meet other mums, and probably even women in your position. Now you've joined One Space, you also now have us too. 
Please keep posting, others will be along at some point, and it really is a fantastic group. The people here are absolutely wonderful.
I have really only been having panic attacks if I know I need to see him ( which is not alot right now) or if I think about him. I haven't mentioned it to my midwife/GP yet no. I don't even know if he will want to come to the appointments now, like I said there is no contact and we are not really on speaking terms which makes it very difficult to establish what is really going on. In terms of bullying, the relationship break down caused him to be very angry and as I have suffered with depression for most my life I slipped into the role of the"victim" while he became the "bully". He is verbally abusive and recently whenever I have spoken to him on the phone, it evokes alot of my own emotions about our relationship and how I wanted him back, which made him verbally abusive. He has alot of anger issues, never hurt me or been violent in a physical way, but verbally and mentally abusive.
Verbal and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse though, and you don't have to put up with it. Maybe it is for the best that theres been no contact. At least you won't have panic attacks, if he is the cause of them. Do you have anyone else in mind to be your birthing partner? That might be something to start considering now if you haven't already.
Hi again, Yes i suppose you are right, it can be just as bad. I think its his way of being controlling that I also find hard. For example, I was very upset the other night and I told him that he was making me feel miserable and that I didnt feel I was coping because of the breakup. He then said "Fine I'll have him then (meaning our son) if you cant cope, I don't want him to be bought up in an environment like that if you're miserable ", that to me made me feel pathetic and worthless. He has no right to even say that in my opinion. I am only feeling this way because of him. I have spoken to my step-mum and my friend about being my birthing partner although I'm not entirely sure about what to do.
You're not pathetic and you're not worthless. What you are is vulnerable right now. You need to be as relaxed (as you can be) when giving birth, and if having him with you for it, is going to be stressful, then it's best that either your step-mum or friend be there with you. I'm not saying not to involve him, but he could always wait outside, should you change your mind, and at least he'll be there to see his son as soon as he is born.
Hi Emmy
Welcome to One Space, you have found a warm and friendly site with lots of information and support. Hazeleyes has given you a lot of great suggestions. I agree that you need to think about a different birthing partner, I would also say do not invite him to the next couple of appointments if it causes you any grief whatsoever. You must, must, must look after yourself and lean on those who care for you.
Verbal/emotional abuse is totally unacceptable.No wonder you feel panicky sometimes! Have faith in yourself and your ability to be a mother, you will be amazed what strength comes to you when you have the baby, and you will meet other Mums and make new friends.
Have a look at this section of the website and see if you recognise any of the characteristics it talks about, in your baby's father?
You could consider contacting The National Childbirth Trust as they provide local support for pregnant women and new parents.
Stay with us, we have fun as well as helping with worries and concerns!
Hi Emmy
I'm so glad you have the support of family and friends.
As things are, at this point, you don't need to keep him informed of appointments, as you need to be calm about things, and enjoy this time too.
Oh Emmy,
I wish to give you a big hug.
You are going through absolutely awfulness at the moment.
all I can say is don't let the father of your child to be make you feel insecure or lacking self worth or doubting of your compency. I think you'll be great at caring for your baby. My gut feeling says you need to limit contact between yourself and the father. not between him and his baby though.
It's going to be awkward and difficult but like others have said, you will get through this and you'll have a beautiful child in your life.
Take things with the father a step at a time. It sounds like it's a good thing you're out of that relationship although it's hard to see that. It's only been 6 weeks. watch how you change and grow as a person yourself since this person who doesn't sound like the most positive support is no longer there to share their world view with you...
I feel like I'm spouting nonsense... it's just as much as I do still love my kids dad, I have seen so many changes in me - like a cloud has lifted since he's gone. he still sees the kids about 3 times a week - and is a great father but as a partner he is very controlling and pushed to his limits violent - which only cropped up after the tiredness and demands of having a kid were thrown into the mix...
Hi Emmy, I so feel for you and what you are going through. I was in a very similar situation during my pregnancy so I can totally empathise with your confusion and feeling of utter vunerability. It does get better, but DO make sure you don't get isolated. Join mother and child groups, keep your friends and family close. Stay with them if you feel afraid or alone. Make friends at the antenatal classes, anything to ensure you don't feel cut off. The more social activities you can get involved in the better for you. Accept any offers to help - say yes to everything! Soon you'll have the most special person in your life - your child.
No-one has the right to take your son or make you feel worthless. Abuse in ANY form is completely unacceptable and you DO heal from that once the abuser has gone. All bullies are cowards deep down - do you see them trying that kind of behaviour with a 6ft bloke? I think not. I would keep a polite distance from this man and not get involved in any conversation that does not include the welfare of your child. That means no personal conversations, at all. You may find it helpful to read "Narcissistic Lovers - How to Cope, Recover and Move On" (can get it on amazon). I read this and found it described my ex to a T and has very helpful ways of dealing with emotionally controlling and abusive partners. It also made me realise what I'd gone through wasn't my fault.
I was advised by a family solicitor not to put the father of my child on the birth certificate to limit his control over us - and I'm so glad I followed her advice. However it is better to allow the child to have 2 parents, so even though the relationship has ended it would be best to let your ex have access.
You will get over it - eventually you see what a complete waste of space this man is and with any luck you meet someone wonderful. You deserve to be treated well and loved and respected! xx
Hi emmy and welcome from me too! 
Your baby is nearly here and this should be a time for rest and relaxation. As others have said, keep contact as minimal and don't get into personal conversations.
I think you have recognised one really important ingredient to the changes that are going to take place in your future. You recognised that you 'played' the victim role while he played the bully. It takes some people many years to recognise that they are allowing themselves to be victimised and now you acknowledge this, it means you can take a different path when dealing with this situation. Remind yourself, that you are NOT going to be a victim any more, you are going to take control, your son needs you to.
Would you consider going to see a counsellor?
Hi Emmy,
Just wanted to say I'm in a really similar situation so can relate to how you feel. I'm 31 weeks pregnant, the dad who I only split up with a month ago is already out dating again and refuses to see how disrespectful he is being.
Hope you can try and stay relatively stress free for baby! I got away this weekend to escape it all and it did me the world of good, only to a friend up north but it made a difference!
Hi YoungMum2. Have just written to you on your post. I'm glad you managed to get away for the weekend. You're right, it does make such a difference.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice, its so comforting knowing I am not alone in this situation. I recently found out that his new relationship is definate because he announced it on facebook, I saw photographs of him and the girl kissing and looking like a couple. This has probably been the most hurtful part about it. I feel completely disprespected and made a complete fool of. Seems everyone has known about it just not me. I decided to text him about this and how i thought it was incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate. He told me he was waiting for the right time and that he is now worried I will not let him see our son. I told him I didn't want him to call me even though he wants to. I am protecting myself and keeping my distance.. He will not be allowed at any appointments and the birth itself will also be something I will have to consider him missing, due to his actions, he will have to face the consequences unfortunately. I am a decent person and do not want to cut him from his sons life, but right now he has alot of work to do before I can really ever trust him again. I am seeing a counsellor and my step mum and best friend will be with me at the birth. youngmum2- I really would like to say that if you ever need to talk then I'll be happy to, obviously we are in a similar situation and can relate to each other on this one.
We are all here for you, emmy
I want to ask everyone for their opinion.. I am very aware that if I put his name on the birth certificate this will give him parental control over our son. I do however feel that I don't want the stress of him having that kind of control over me. I don't want to use my son as a weapon or even do anything to punish the father. Its ultimately about me and feeling happy again. I don't want to have 18 years of hell and misery as I've already had enough to deal with. The fact he's a very selfish man tells me he will do anything to get his "rights". I feel he doesnt deserve them. Am I being harsh?
Hi emmy
The choice is yours. If the name goes on the birth certificate then yes he will have joint Parental Responsibility for your child. That means that, for example, you cannot take your child abroad for more than a holiday without getting his permission.
However, if he does not have his name on the certificate then you might have more difficulty in obtaining financial support (and have to get a DNA, after which he might then apply to the court to have his name added)
You do not have to put "father unknown" on the certificate, you can leave it blank if you prefer. If you do add his name, he has to be present at the registration or submit a declaration consenting to it
Have a look at this article Parental Responsibility
That's really difficult and ultimately only something you can answer.
as a daughter of a single mother who's father is a gambling alcoholic who's never contributed a penny to my life, I say leave it blank. I have my mother's surname and I don't think he would have had the warewithal (sp?) to claim parental resposibility, and she never planned on asking for money from him.
as a mother... who wants their dad to be in their lives... difficult, I was still living with their dad so we registered both their births together... had I not been... I think I would have gone my mother's route - he is terrible with money management and I'm benefitting finacially without him from not paying for him all the time. they have his surname but mine as a second middle name...
from what you've said of his behaviour since splitting from you officially... it's so difficult.
leave it blank if you're happy to never see him again or promote his inclusion in your childs life - but be prepared to have to explain why you've done so to him potentially at a later date.
add his name to the form if on weighing him as a person you feel he deserves this added right to his childs life. If you know he won't abuse this power and potentially try for custody at a later date.
Not sure how either way really effects getting money from him - if you want him involved in your childs life stress free, and he wishes to be part of his life responsibly, you will be able to state that such n such website/official person said that child maintenece is around such n such rate per month, and it would be great if you could have that support for your child and be able to tell your child that his daddy is looking after him too.
chasing him for money through agency's or not will only hinder your child's bond and add needless stress to yourself.
I'm only slightly more inclined to advise you to leave it blank only because you can only make the best decision with things as they are now. and right now you want the least contact and hindrance with him. *shrugs* good luck!
Hi emmy
As Louise said only you can make this choice, what is important to you and for your son. You might not even need to make a decision about it, after your son is born, you may find that when the time comes to register him, you will know what you want to do.
I desperately wanted my ex to be on the birth certificate, however after we split up, I unofficially changed my daughters surname to mine as I was fed up of constantly feeling that in a way 'she wasn't mine', she was his. And that has worked out fine and she says that when she is 18 she wants to change it by deed poll.
Regarding Parental Responsibility, he didn't automatically have it and he took me to Court for it. I was really unhappy thinking he could control me and my life and that if I wanted to go away I would have to get his permission, or if she was hospitalised I would have to tell him. However as it turned out, I never did tell him anything and he was never really that bothered, he just took me through the courts to harrass me, not because he wanted to be an integral part of his daughters life.
Do you know which surname you would like your son to have?
Thanks again for the advice. I am going to think about it and not make any big desicions just yet but am considering not putting him on the birth certificate. I am going to give our son my surname as I feel that is the right thing to do. I made this choice shortly after we broke up and the father knows this. I have not told him about the fact I may not want him on the birth certificate, as far as he is aware I am putting him on there. He actually already "threatened" to take our son off me once he is born saying he'd be better off with him due to the fact I am so miserable right now and cant cope with the way things were. This was after a phone call I made to him while being very upset and explaining I was having a difficult time. What he doesnt seem to understand is I am only miserable because of what he's putting me through!. As for the birth certificate, It's hard to tell right now wether he would abuse that control or not. I am very aware he can be quite manipulative and try and do things for his own well being and whatever is best for HIM. This is why i am worried he may take too much control and be a little over bearing with it.
I think the main thing about all of this is I can't seem to get over the heartache and the fact he is with someone else when all I wanted is for us to be a family and for him to share this experience with me, its making me depressed and I cant seem to get him out my system. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. Its ruining my pregnancy and I cant seem to get over it no matter how much I distract myself.
Emmy of course you are upset, the break-up has had a really bad efect on you. Have you anyone you can talk to about this? A sympathetic friend who will REALLY listen and not just say "you are better off without him"? If not then a counsellor could help you, you could contact your GP or your local Relate; a couple of sessions could really help you move forward now.
Also have a look at our article about recovering from a broken heart, and you may relate to the things in out thread about this topic, click here to see it
Hi emmy. I think your emotions are all over the place right now, especially with the hormones. Once the baby arrives, you'll still have your up and down days, but hopefully the baby will take up so much of your time, that it'll be something else to focus on. I'm not saying that you won't think of your ex, of course you will, but the baby will give you a distraction, if you see what I mean. Take care. xx
Hi emmy
I have been off for a few weeks and just checking in! How are you? When are you due, you must be getting close now
Hi emmy, welcome along to One Space. Sorry you are going through this, especially as you're heavily pregnant too. You will get through it, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but just take it day by day. It's good news that he wants to be involved with the baby once he's made an appearance into the world! Some of the members here have experience of panic attacks, and they'll be able to help on that one. Right now, you need to concentrate on yourself and your unborn child, and stress isn't good for you right now, as you know. Do you have friends and family to help support you?