Hi. My name is Becky. Im a single parent to two girls 6 and 8. Lat monday my partner (now ex) moved out of the family home and moved straight in with another woman. Me and him had been together for ten years and obviously had the two kids together. He claims that nothing happened with her and him until the following tuesday after he had moved in with her on the monday. Im finding it really hard to believe anything he says. Throughout our relationship he has cheated on me a number of times but I like a fool have taken him back because I thought he had changed. A leopard never changes his spots. He has also hit me in the past and has mentaly abused me. He is now on a mission to get me into as much trouble as he can with the police. Monday just gone resulted in me been locked in a cell for three hours and questioned on assault as he came round to my house for no other reason then to wind me up and I ended up hitting him and spitting in his face, its not something I'm proud of and them three hours locked in that cell were the worst three hours of my live. He claims the reason he has had to cheat on me is because I'm rubbish in bed LOL. Am now involved with a solicitor and have got CSA involved for payments for the two children. I'm not stopping him seeing the kids, my only clause is that he does not introduce them to this new woman as I know from previous experience he will come crawling back when he realises what he has done and what he is missing out on. All the people I know that are mutual friends of ours have made it clear that they want nothing to do with him while he is with her. Just wondering what advice people have for me. Thanks.
Hello bectooshoes and welcome
What a terrible ordeal and you were really pushed to the limit with the assault thing and ending up in a cell, that must have been terrifying, please never get to that point again.
You have suffered all sorts of abuse in your relationship and I would like you to look at The Freedom Programme (click here) as this will help you unpick that and feel more positive about moving forward
You say that you think he will try to come back to you at some stage, how so you feel about that? How are your children doing?
I will not assualt him again I was lucky that I just got warning. He spoke to my dad to find out what happened on monday and when my dad informed him that I got a slap on the wrists and basically told not to do anything like it again he was fuming and went to the police station to find out why they had not charged me. The girls are both doing well, they have told me that while there dad is with someone else they do not want to see him and other then him seeing them last sunday he has made no attempt to see them or ever ring to see how they are. I refuse to talk to him but my eldest daughter does have a mobie phone that he can ring the children on but he has not bothered. Ill be honest and admit that before he got me arrested I did think about taking him back but after what has happened I'm not interested. He is going round making up loads of lies to try and gt me into troube all of which ae not true. He has even told one our mutual freinds that she is the best thing ever to happen to him, he cooks for her, runs her a bath every night, cleans, picks her up from work and she will pick him up from work as they work different shifts to each other. He never did any of this for me I was the one who did everything for him and the kids. It is really hard at the moment for me because I do still love him and I have heard that he does not have feelings for the woman that he with and that he probably never will and that he still loves and has feelings for me so as you understand my head is all over the place at the minute.
Hi bectooshoes, welcome to One Space from me 
I love your username!
You really have been through it haven't you. It sounds as though him calling the police on you, might have done you a favour though. He has pushed you over the limit, it is understandable that you still have feelings for him and are feeling confused. The important thing is to focus on the facts. Whether he loves this other woman, cooks and drives her around means nothing at this point, it is very early days. YOU know how he is as you have spent 10 years with him.
I would try not to listen to any hearsay, perhaps ask your friends not to feed stories back to you, as it won't help anything.
It sounds as though the girls are quite adamant that they are not interested in seeing him and it is sad that he has not contacted them. Although I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't over yet.
Time for you now to focus on you and the girls and the future, building your confidence and sorting out finances and new routines.
It sounds as though you have a good network of support around you, lean on them if you need. Are you working at the moment?
Thanks for the message back. No I'm not working at the moment I'm looking but finding something that fits around school hours is quite difficult. Your right I do know what he is like and this person that he is at the moment is not the person i spent ten years with, he has completely changed and I'm not sure if it is him that has changed or wheather she has/is changing him. He did text the girls today on the eldest daughters phone saying that he hopes they are both ok and that he loves them and misses them loads but the girls were not interested in texting him back or ringing him and I'm not going to force them to talk to him if they are not bothered, they will form their own opinion of him in time. I do have a good network of people that I can talk to and a lot of them have been getting texts from me in which I air alot of anger and they are there ready to listen and they also text me daily to see how I'm doing or stop me in the playground to see how I am. As a lot of people are saying to me, they are in the honeymoon period and it won't last. I think he will come crawlng back before christmas, he won't spend christmas without seeing the girls. Its funny though that before all this happened we was lookng at moving to Scotland and trying for another baby. Thats also part of the reason that I'm struggling to get my head round what he has done. This other woman can not have kids. Sorry if i seem like I'm ranting a bit but it actually helps to write it all down.
Is it is also wrong that I am now feeling bad for getting a solicitor involved when he has not yet and I also feel bad for getting the CSA to chase him for money or is that just normal?
Hello bectooshoes
Well I think you have done the right thing in getting legal advice and the CSA involved. However, you say you are feeling bad. I do think this is normal as your loyalties have been with this man for ten years and so what you are doing feels as if it runs counter to that.
You say he will come back before Christmas, and this implies that that would be Ok by you even though you say you are not interested after what has happened. I think it's important to try and get your head round how you feel about things.
Fantastic that you have the support, you really need it to pull you through this time, and we are here for you too. Just be careful that the girls are not overhearing a load of stuff, either criticism of their dad or a lot about your own emotions. They need to feel secure and that their lives will be fine whether you get back together with their dad or not.
But do try and figure out how you are feeling about him. Did you have a look at the Freedom Programme link I gave you above?
Hi. Quick update. I was visiting a friend this morning who happens to live near where he does. I found out from my solicitor where he is as I asked her so I could let CSA know. It looks like he is following me because as soon as I walked outside and down the round to walk home, he has pulled up along side me in her car and started questioning what I was doing near their house. I was no where near the house, he claims I have been stood outside all morning, which is lies. He said he is getting his solicitor to get an injunction against me for harressment. I have rung mine today to see about getting a residence order against him. School have also told me that if turns up at school they will ring me and will under no circumstances allow him to take the children from school. ~If he does try and worm his way back in to my live I will be slamming the door shut in his fasce and telling him where to go, he has made his bed he can go lie in it now. He has also pulled up a friend of mine this morning and started telling lies and has said he does not want the kids living with him as he can't afford it and that because she can't have kids that she wants nothing to do with them. Im so angry with him right now and can't believe how horrible the whole situation has become. I relly feel sorry for the girls right now as well.
Oh goodness bectooshoes. I don't feel I have anything to offer except I'm so sorry you and your girls are going through all of this. As for feeling bad about involving solicitors etc. this might be because of all the abuse you have suffered.
For me I was mentally abused by my XH for years which resulted in me bending over backwards to appease him when he left, trying to be all reasonable, when really I should have got legal advice etc. straight away. It's hard to do but stay strong you are doing great.
Love Gem
x
Hi bectooshoes
You are doing all the right things, and I am so glad you have legal advice. Hold your nerve and remember what I said about not letting the girls overhear all your "stuff" Hope you have got some plans to do something nice together the three of you this weekend?
Thanks for reading