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hi i am at the end of my wit with my bullying 19year old.
she screams and shouts at me, tells me she hates me, tells me im an unfit mother and i should not have had a child.
im divorced and have been for more than 14years. i have a partner who i now live with and have been living with for 5years.
my daughter hates him wants him to leave and says she will not calm down until he is gone.
her dada and me have a good relationship, he has also recently married. she is awful to her dada and has caused friction between him and his new wife as she did with his second wife.
she blows a fuse when anyone says no to her. since last june she has been unemployed. she blagged for months that she was looking for work or an apprenticeship. Just before christmas she left her laptop on and i notice over 200 unopened emails. some were work realted. some of the websites she uses to look for work had not been used for months. in fact they were only ever used when i had a go at her about not looking for work.
i work in a jobcentre as a trainer, so i try to help her.... she just is not interested. all she wants is money from me to go out all hours of the night and day and have everything done for her. i have recently stopped ironong her clothes she went berserk at me shouting that it was my job to do and that i cant even do the jobs i should do properly.
her dads family have been very supportive after realising she was lying about my partner and the hardship she faces at home.
no matter what i do its not good enough. she recieve JSA and i told her she had to give me 20pounds towards keep. she argued screamed and raged at that for weeks. i have now said she can keep all the money but has to fund her own food and toiletries she does this with disgust and by coaxing her dada to cash.
she had one job opportunity and she turned that down ... because she didnt want to work in the area it was for... though the same area is fine when she wants to get her facial done!
i justdont know what to do..... she has on number of occasions lifted her hand to strike me, last week she did, she pushed me during a rant. the calmer i stay the worse she gets.
help some.
Konfusedkam
thanks Sparkinglime.
her dad tries but is just a soft touch . his family are great at making him firmer with her. I am from an asian family kicking her out would mean the wrath of the older generation, especially my parents, who help in the own way though are quick to blame me for the way she is. it doesnt help that my new partner is white and my own family just cant seem to come to terms with that.
she uses it to her advantage knowing my parents dont like my partners(whom they dont know!)
Phew!
Oh no... I wish I knew what to say konfusedkam. It's horrid and so tired when they're being "challenging".
I'm also having problems with my 17 year old son, but he does have autism/asperger's which somehow makes it more understandable (most of the time).
sending loads of virtual strength your way...
Hello konfusedkam and welcome along.
I am really sorry to hear about everything you have been going through. One thing shines through for me: whatever stance is taken, it is really important that you and her dad work together and take the same line. Before taking action with your daughter I strongly recommend that the two of you have a meeting where you draw up a strategy. Maybe a good idea to include your partners too?
I understand that you have reservations about throwing her out. Nevertheless her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and I am sure that your parents would also see this. Maybe you could look at this in a different way? You and dad draw up a few house rules. The same for each house. Of course it is up to you what you include but think very carefully and only choose a few rules so it is more straightforward.
Expectations: what you expect her to do to look for a job, what chores she must do in the house, what times she must be in. Chores: an equal division between those who live in the house....it is only "your job" to to the ironing if she has hoovered the whole house and cleaned the bathroom for example.
Money: make a decision about the JSA (I see why you have said get your own food and that's a good idea. Is she getting her own food or is she getting bits and still helping herself to all your stuff? you need to either put your stuff where she can't get it or insist on the £20 a week again)
Respect: she must speak to her parents and step-parents with respect at all times
Those are my basic suggestions. The key to it all is CALM. You do not say it in a negative way, such as "if you don't behave yourself I will chuck you out", you say "These are our house rules and if you choose to live here, then this is what we expect" You also need consequences if the rules are not respected and I am guessing that these might be money-linked, eg you do not pay her mobile phone bill, or you stop giving her lifts or you disable the wifi in the house. ON NO ACCOUNT GIVE HER ANY EXTRA MONEY. Money is to be earned and no, that does not mean being paid for chores. She is NINETEEN, she is an adult, time to take responsibility now.There IS work available for those who dont have the additional responsibility of looking after small children and if there isn't she can make extra money by washing people's cars, by walking their dogs, by babysitting, by doing their cleaning or their gardening. And she would make more than the current JSA money.
Tough talk time now: you are her parents and your JOB is to bring her up to behave as a responsible and respectful adult, and having the work ethic is one of the features of that. What's the alternative? Well, it will be that she is still doing this when she is 25, when she is approaching 30. Why should she be able to rule the family like this? If she does not like your partner it is her choice to leave. DO NOT lose your temper with her at any stage of this. Calmness is the biggest weapon in your armoury!
hi not gonna beat around the bush . father of 5 single parent . my advice pack her bags leave outside her room . ask for her key . a dose of cold harsh street is what she needs . been there done it myself . my roof my rules until you pay the bills then you do as your told your 19 years old go live your life . im sorry if its harsh but until you stand up as a united front she will rule the roost
Hi Konfusedkam
I have problems with my 21 year old son, who does work, but very few hours.
He does not shout at me though, as I just wouldn't tolerate it.
I no longer give him money as he spends his wages more or less as soon as he gets them. Not my problem...
If she can't be respectful, then she needs to leave.
I think the actions you're taking are really good - as I know how hard it can be. It would be good if you can talk to her Father and get him on side too with regards to giving her the money.
I try and appreciate how hard it is for our lot now, with a marvelous online social life.
Best wishes