HELP! Need to change the record!

He actually does a fair amount of holding the baby, and he's a fun and responsible dad when he's around. Of course I'm the one who does the vast majority of the boring, day-to-day stuff and the all-through-the-night stuff - but that's the case for loads of non-separated mums! And, of course, I would never dream of leaving my son for five days and nights one week, three days and nights the next, in order to live my exciting, responsibility-free life in another city - but compared to what loads of separated mums have to put up with, that's nothing, and I've got it pretty good.

'What are the things that are bothering you?'
It's true my ex was a tad shady about when he first started to feel strongly about his current partner, but I can honestly say that it's not even that that bothers me - after all, it's hard to for anyone to be totally clear about these things, even to themselves. I've not exactly been an angel in past relationships! And the fact is, I was so knocked-for-six by having two miscarriages that particular year, he could have been sh***ing nextdoor's dog and I wouldn't have noticed...

However, the consequences of that deceit remain hard to live with, and that's what continues to eat at me, that's what I'm desperate to move on from. Those consequences are that if I'd known five years ago that he was capable of feeling that way about someone else, during a time when I was majorly in need of emotional support, I would have seen very clearly that our relationship had no future. Our son would have barely been three years old and I could have cut my losses and moved back to my country, my friends, my family, my language, my culture, etc - all of which have been very hard for me to live without. The wrench back then would have been taking my son away from his lovely family here after only having stayed here a year - but I believe that he would have been young enough not to be too badly affected, and we would still have been able to maintain the connections.

So does this help explain why I might be dwelling on the past?

BUT - I made the decision two years ago to 'grow where my son has planted me', as someone rather sweetly said, and make the most of my life here. And that's what I've been trying to do, despite periods of mild depression - enjoying the extended family, making new friends, joining groups, learning the languages, loving the mountains, having my family & friends visiting from the UK - and I've honestly had such a great time during this sick leave for radiotherapy!

Does that explain why I'm so sick and tired of dwelling on the past?
And why I feel that changing my thought patterns could be a genuinely useful short-cut to moving on.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, Anna!
Lucy,
XO

Thanks Louise!

XO

Thanks, Sparkling - yes, he is happy, though I'm 95% sure he'd be happier with a sibling or to, but there you go, not much I can do about that one. That's up to his dad now!

Anna - believe me, this end of the month I can't really afford a decent meal, let alone a pair of decent trousers. And no, I don't think all my things would work better in the UK... But I do reckon that over there you can be a middle-aged hippy-ish woman, with knackered household appliances, a kitchen from before the Ark, a shared car that sounds and looks like a tractor (it's not a tractor) and scruffy clothes... and just about get away with it.

As one of my friends back home said a few years ago, there's no European equivalent to the British middle-aged (and lower middle class) woman. I'm not quite sure how she knows that, but I reckon she's right.

Anyway, people here are soooooo pristine and I know only one woman with a kitchen like mine and she's a total hippy, she's definitely not the normal Northern Spanish type. In fact, most unusual - she's brought up her 16-year-old twin girls completely on her own, as the (British) dad legged it as soon as they were born and her mum died when the girls were five.

BTW, don't get me wrong, MY FLAT IS CLEAN! But the kitchen is really old and however much I scrub it, it just looks depressing. The boiler-repair man came this morning and, once again, I found myself making excuses, emphasising that I'm only a tenant - the implication being that if it was mine I'd have ripped the kitchen out years ago and put in a state-of-the-art one. Yeah, right.

But hey, I'm just comparing myself with most people here, and I should definitely know better than that by now.

Whatever - today I've been feeling G-O-O-D, and I'm sure it's mostly because I've felt able to let some stuff out here.
Thank you all!
XO