It's been nearly 4 years since we separated. Our divorce was about 3 years ago. We share custody of 2 children. The problem is I would like to have some time to myself and with my friends at week-ends, but our visitation is set where I have the children every week-end and I've gone along with it to keep things amicable, but I'm really starting to resent it.
This didn't matter until I started dating a bit over a year ago. My ex-husband often goes away at week-ends, but it's not an option for me to even go out to dinner. I've been reading up on it and I think we should really be alternating week-ends. I'm at the point where I'm ready to go back to court and get it sorted by a judge if he won't agree to something more fair. Maybe I'm just tired. It seems like such a small thing, but it's not.
Wondering how other single parents sorted out visitation.
thx
Hello asknwunderen
Welcome to One Space 
Sparkling is right, you can't "make" the other parent have the care of the children more often. Have you spoken with him about it? When does he see them now? is there any staying contact or is it just for a few hours...you said that you had shared custody, does this mean they live with him some of the time?..the person who holds the Child Benefit for a child is the one who is deemed to have the main day to day care even though in truth this may be shared.
Sorry to ask so many questions, just want to have a clear picture so can give you some good information
Our case is a bit different. We have two children and the youngest lives with me while the eldest lives with her dad. We each receive child benefit for one child. The children spend 4 to 5 days together and 2 to 3 days apart. We only live about 10 minutes walk from each other.
Our youngest is hi-functioning Autistic. Very clever, but sometimes a bit intense. He's very calm and pleasant on his own, but sharing is difficult. *massive understatement.
We live very near each other and he's a great dad.
We had a quiet chat yesterday evening over a cup of tea at my place and I asked him if he realised I'd never had a weekend off in 3 years. He was surprised because he has our son every week for 2, sometimes 3 days, but never at week-ends. I work from home, he's employed Monday to Friday. It worked until over the past year or so, I started getting jobs and invitations to do things at week-ends and had to turn most of them down.
We've changed the schedule so the children will go to their dad on Sunday's. He wanted 6pm, I insisted on 3pm as he's off-work on Friday's at 3 and he basically has the entirety of the week-end if they go to him at 6pm Sunday.
My son returns Tuesday afternoon.
This morning, I set up a shared calendar for him, me and our eldest to share. I can book 1 or 2 week-ends a month, instead of alternating week-ends, we'll schedule them according to what we have going on. So, I can book my birthday week-end or if I have a gig, I can book that week-end off. In exchange the children will stay with me the Wednesday and Thursday ahead of the week-end they'll be with their dad. He'll still have Friday to himself. The children will come to him on Saturday (he wanted the afternoon... I said depending on if I'm doing something that morning or not... he agreed).
I just had to be a bit more assertive about my needs and wishes. He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't angry either. This was partly my fault. I have a long long history of putting the needs of him and the children ahead of my own.
When I asked for a divorce, it was like an old pair of slippers suddenly grew teeth and bit his toes! Four years later, I'm gradually learning to speak up. Even if my approach was a cup of tea and a quiet chat and it was posed as a question when I meant to be firm... I did manage it in the end and we're still friends and co-parents.
Thank you for your replies. I think we'll be okay. At least I hope so.
x
It sounds as if you will be, which is really great.
It's so good that you were able to talk it through - and good he listened.
Best wishes
By 'shared' custody I meant we're both very involved with both of the children every week. I just need to be more assertive.
For instance, I don't have a car, our eldest has braces, so I walk about 2 miles to and from bus stops to get to and from the orthodontist office. He not only has a car, but he has primary custody of her, but it never occurred to any of us that he should take time off work to take her. TBH, I don't actually mind because I walk everywhere anyway and I like the giggly chats with my daughter as she deals with nerves and excitement of her new braces. It's a chance to catch up on everything important happening in her life. But, when he balked at having them come earlier on Sunday, I replied that I'd been doing this for nearly a year and he never once thought about the total lack of inconvenience to himself and I never so much as asked for busfare. But I do deserve an afternoon every week-end to be with my friends and plan fun things to do.
It's odd, but he did look at me with slightly more respect, a tinge of appreciation and maybe a hint of sheepishness. That was an unexpected bonus. It probably won't last though. No, we were married for 20 years, I KNOW it won't last. :-)
Thank you!
We both know that we're lucky to have each other co-parenting these kids with minimum fuss really.
Good luck to you as well.
I was wondering if there's a single parent support group in my area, if you know where I might look for something like that I'd appreciate it.
thx again
Hello asknwunderen
How marvellous that you were able to negotiate this, wow, if only more parents could have this sort of co-operation after separation, well done you.
To find out what is in your area, email our Local Services Expert by clicking here.
Oh! Thank you!
I'll look into that link too.
TBH, our son was there and he doesn't handle any sort of unpleasantness or raised voices well. It distresses him intensely, so we've gotten in the habit of always always speaking in calm, courteous tones.
I'd put him in the bath straight-away, but he broke a world record in getting out of the bath so he wouldn't miss anything we were talking about.
x
AWWWWW
Hi
In my case is started off as alternate weekends, but gradually they were cancelled. Back in 2007, after three years he stopped having them over night altogether, choosing to see them for a couple of hours every six weeks or so...
The only way I could ever sort an evening out was to have a plan B, and have someone on standby - and to be fair, plan B was often my in-laws.
If you already have a Court Order though, I think you can request that it be changed. However, there isn't anything that can be done to make the 'other' parent have the children. However, I'm not sure how things work out with shared care.
I agree when you say it isn't a small thing. No time out is so tiring.