Hi all,
Glad i came across this site. Didn't know sites like this existed. I've been ringing helplines when i've felt i needed someone to talk to. Some of them aren't that helpful. I had been in a very bad relationship with my ex partner, the bully, liar etc. He left in oct of last year, i had had enough and couldn't take anymore, i drove my son down to his dad's house and he went mad and accused me of all sorts. I had a six month old baby girl to him, after listening to all his bullshit. I don't regret having my daughter though at the time i knew that the realtionship wasn't good. I considered abortion because i had been a single parent for years since my son was 2 and have found it hard, i'm glad i didnt and don't think i would have been able to. I also didnt like the thought of having to have her dad in my life. Anyway, i love her to bits and my son loves her also, after being an only child all these years. I'm finding it hard to appreciate my freedom, as i wasn't allowed to go anywhere while he was here. I still think about him even though he was a nitemare. He's with a new girl now from xmas, maybe before i don't know. Was always finding things on the internet, dating sites that he had profiles on, girls he was chatting to no facebook, even though i wasnt allowed to use it without being accused of sending private messages. I wasn't allowed to be friends with a few of my male friends who i've known for years, yet he spoke to girls all the time and had hundreds on his facebook who were all his mates girlfriends!! Everytime i seen something and said to him about it he denied it saying that he'd tried to cancel his memebership with the sites but they kept sending him emails. No matter what i said to him, i was wrong. He sent me emails of his new girlfriend, he had taken her away to mayo for a few days for valentines day. He said he couldnt afford to give me money for his daughter as he wasnt working, but obviously he was spending money on her and himself,. Weeks have went by and not a penny for his daughter. Im sure hes told this girl a lot of lies about me. Don't know how any girl could go out with a man that has a six month old daughter and not question it. He says that shes nearly half my age, nice eh!! Don't know how he can hold his head up. I've been having third party handover as he was mouthing when he came to pick our daughter up. Who he didn't bother with the first few months that he left me, probably too busy running about. He calls me a nutjob, says i am mentally ill, and all my family should be in a mental home. He was continually looking at other women when we were together even in the maternity unit when i went for appointments, continually made comments about other women on tv, i feel i am ugly and im not. I'm very angry not only with him but also because none of my friends or family seem to care about me. Maybe people dont understand if its not them. Anyway i feel like im sitting here, while he's been having a whale of a time. He says he couldn't be happier, that his new girlfriend is gorgeous and that she's nothing like me and its brill. This girl is 12 years younger that him.
I know i do try to think that im better off without him. My house has been alot more peaceful. Just p*sses you off that someone can act in such a way and it apparently not affect them. He just came to pick her up there. Not sure what to do today yet. Don't know whether to clean the house while i have a chance or go out somewhere.
My mum passed away 5 years ago and since then haven't had much support from my family. We used to do things together as a family but now my dad and brother just do things by themselves. My sister is ok though can be a bit tactless. She said the other day about me having two kids with different fathers. My son was from my previous marriage. I didn't think i would have any more children, but when i met my ex he seemed so good to me and wanted to have a family and all the things that i would have liked all these years of raising a child alone. I know i rushed into it but i love my daughter, she's wonderful. I've been critised by my aunt and a women from a church i used to go to about having sex so soon with someone and getting pregnant. Actually rang the women for some comfort. He really had my head f***ed up. He cut me off from people then he would have went out and left me by myself and said that it wasn't his fault i had no friends.
Hello cheryl1388
Welcome to One Space. And well done for getting out an abusive relationship. Have you taken part in the Freedom Programme (click to see) It is a free course, and we have an online version and it will help you to focus on what went on in your relationship and how to move forward.
Having two children by different fathers is not unusual so please do not take any notice of peoples' remarks.
How is your son doing with all this?
Sounds to me as if it would help to make some new friends so that you can have some fun and also surround yourself with a support network.Have a look at our article about Making New Friends. And you have found us now!
People can be so unkind!
Good to see you here. This site really is a brilliant and supportive place to be.
Thanks, actually feel better already. Not sure if it helps to talk about it. My son is a lot happier already. He's really sensible. I think kids have more sense than adults at times. lol I feel a bit sh*t for putting him through it. I was lonely and wanted someone. Thank God i have lost my interest in men and am going to concentrate on my family and studying. I actually feel alot better within myself. I was able to stop smoking 4 weeks ago, and am feeling good about that. I think this site is amazing. I've looked at the freedom course and will work through it. I had been going to women's aid since the last 3 months i was with him. I was meeting with a support worker there as i had no-one to talk to about it. I went to their new beginnings course. I used to go and wonder why i was going, but then they would talk about stuff that was happening to me. You don't have to be hit for it to be abuse.
Ooooh, well done on not smoking. I'm one of those that keep trying, and keep failing!!!
You're right, there are different forms of abuse.
Really pleased your son is feeling better already. They do adjust quicker than adults (that's for sure). Don't feel guilty though, you weren't to know what would happen, and you have a beautiful daughter out of the relationship 
Hi cheryl1388, welcome to One Space from me
Thanks for sharing your story and well done you for reaching out for extra support. Dealing with an abusive man takes courage and determination. It is great that you are getting support from Womens Aid - an excellent service.
Everything that your ex said and did was to control you but now you are free, you have to counterbalance all those thoughts and actions. Have you set up your Facebook account yet??!
We do feel guilty for putting our children through these horrible things, but it was your ex that did that to him, not you. You got out of it.
It is really positive that you are choosing to focus on your family and studying. You need to find yourself again and get back on your path.
Other members of our family and also friends who have not experienced a controlling person will never understand what went on behind closed doors. Whenever your sister or friend makes a comment that hurts, just remind yourself that luckily it is because they have never been there, so although they are ignorant to the realities, they are fortunate to feel safe in their own skin.
You are absolutely right, abuse can take many forms, many women say that physical abuse is easier to deal with because you can see it, where as psycological abuse just twists you up inside and you can feel so much confusion.
Congratulations for not smoking - very big pat on your back for that!
Does your ex have contact with your daughter?
Yes i actually took it to court for contact to be set out, we weren't able to talk to eachother so i thought it was best. He sees her a day a week if he's not working and a day a the weekend. That's going ok since he brings his other daughter with him to come to my door, He stays in the car now as there was arguing and name calling going on in front of my daughter plus it was annoying me seeing him and he's intimidating and a big mouth. He says he wants to just come himself now though, my solicitor was saying ,but i don't want that. I still have feelings for him, even though he's an ass. I don't know why. I was very nervous when i knew he was coming, but am fine now as i get on ok with his daughter.
Hi cheryl1388
Good to hear that you have contact sorted, you stick to your guns as to how it should go ahead. If you are not happy to change it, then keep it this way.
You still have feelings for him because you have spent a lot of time and effort in the past loving and trying to please him. In a way we have been conditioned to love them, however he more we learn about ourselves and the abuse that we have endured, hopefully the feeling diminishes and we can see them for who they really are!
What does your day hold today?
Thanks, am going to go down to the international market at the titanic quarters to have a nosy. Hopefully there'll be some nice food stalls.
I just had to google Titanic Quarters, its in Belfast, for all of you that don't know!! It sounds like a really exciting development.
Did you find anything of interest down there cheryl1388?
They've just opened an exhibition centre to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the titanic. There's loads on. Mtv is going to be there this Fri with an open air concert. Don't know if i'll be able to go. Still good though. They've a Facebook page. Titanic belfast.
Interesting cheryl1388, thanks for the heads up.
Who is headlining the concert, do you know? What are you up to on Friday?
Oly murs, rizzle kicks, Katy b, pixie lot. The tickets were free but they're all gone. I'll just be in the house. A girl i used to work with is going to stay with me from wed to Fri. She was saying that she was lonely. She lives by herself. She lives about 60 miles away but works close to were i live. I've told her before that she could stay with me as i'd appreciate the company as well. It is hard living by yourself. Although some people seem to be ok with it.
Hi cheryl1388, great line up my daughter would be sooo jealous! All for free too, fantastic!
It is nice when you have friends over to stay, do you have a spare room that you could rent out to her?? Always good to get some extra cash in!
I now like living on my own, but I did enjoy it when I had a friend of a friend stay with me for a while, some one to share the cooking, cleaning and she was great at washing up!!
So when is the girl coming to stay??
Hi, she came yesterday and stayed last night. She had to go home today but it was nice to have a bit of company. I get tired of being on my own. i went out on Tuesday nite but didn't enjoy myself. I came home early. I don't seem to have any interest in going out to bars and am not feeling very sociable. People seem to talk about themselves and you're lucky if you can get a word in. Sorry to be doomy, Im thinking of not bothering with a few people that i know cause i don't feel good when Im with them.
Hi Cheryl1388
I think that is fair comment, to have a look around and see if there are people in our lives who drain us, or who make us feel down and give them as wide a berth as possible. However, as a positive antidote to that, have a look around for some more people to get to know, whose presence in your life boosts you up. Sometimes, people we have been "friends" with for years are actually our "frenemies" if we look closely at what is going on.
Don't be afraid to be friends with people from different age groups, from different backgrounds. Just be open to anything and everything positive
Glad you enjoyed your friend coming over. Have you got anything planned for the weekend?
Hi cheryl1388, I go through phrases of wanting to be out all the time, to not being bothered.
I sifted through my friends a few years ago and decided that a couple of them actually had a negative impact on me and I had never realised. I slowly withdrew contact with them and although I thought that we were really 'close', I don't miss them at all!
I now actively seek positive go-getting friends, watch out women! Last year I started a kind-of-zumba class and befriended the teacher, we now go out on a regular basis! She has her own business and is raising her daughter alone and although sometimes life is hard, we share that, but then talk about completely different stuff and have a laugh, so much healthier than bemoaning our exes!!
I feel like i need time to get my head sorted. I've been worried about my mental health. I don't really feel safe going out to bars anyway. have just been trying to relax at home. Something that i don't normally do. I love getting to bed early now. I must be getting old. Lol
I've lost an awful lot of confidence and have felt that i have had no-one. I feel very paranoid when i go out. Even when Im doing my shopping and I've been very confused. Though I've read that because of the abuse. It takes me ages to choose things or make decisions. Im very wary of people. I don't trust my judgement. I suppose i feel vulnerable. I just want to he stronger but i know it Will take time. I need to learn to speak up for myself. I've let people walk.over me. Plus he ignored me for months while he lived in my house. That was very hard. I used to go on up to bed. I would be sitting beside him and he wouldnt talk to me or look at me. Im always second guessing myself. I've been in other bad relationships but Im looking forward to my single life. I've alot of regrets about the years I've wasted with the wrong people. Funny isn't it you'd think you'd enjoy your relationships. I think there should be some kind of teaching in school about good and bad relationships, it would save alot of hassle. Lol
Hi cheryl1388
That is definitely something we have said on here a couple of times, that if only we learmed about this stuff in school instead of some of the more obscure bits of Chemistry and Physics, it would be a lot more use to us! And so we have to take our learning about relationships from what we see around us, in our family, our friends and on the telly. Not always good, especially if things have been difficult in our families.
The feeling paranoid thing is totally normal and due to what you have been through with your former partner. Would you feel able to talk through these feelings with, say, a counsellor? or even your GP? You are already doing one of the other things I would suggest, which is looking at people around you and seeking to surround yourself with those who make you feel good. What do you think?
Hi Louise thanks, i went to my gp a few weeks ago and am waiting to be referred to their mental health team. Yes Im not going to be spending time with people i don't like or who don't like me. I have to realise that i have to look after myself and not expect people to do right by me. I've been quite naive. But you live and learn. Lol
Hi cheryl1388, you are right you do live and learn and then you come out the other side
Reading your post really reminded me of myself about 12 years ago, I had split with ex, living with baby on my own, finding life a real struggle, I felt so lonely, poor and forgotten about.
What I think is brilliant that you recognise - that I didn't until years later - is how much my mental health had been affected.
I am glad that you have been to the doctors and you are seeking professional support, I hope that the wait isn't too long for an appointment.
Little things will help you move forward, whether it is buying a new duvet cover/picture/cushion that you really like, so everytime you see it you feel a little joy. Doing some DIY around the home. Putting up a shelf (even though it might be wonky!), fixing a toy or electrical item. All the things that you are capable of, but perhaps never believed.
For me my journey to recovery started by volunteering locally. At first I was so unconfident, I couldn't even pick up the phone, if it rang I went into a panic! But gradually, with support, I came back to my former self, that I hadn't known since I was a teenager. Have a look at our article on Voluntary Work. I only used to do 4 hours a week, but it was really good for building my self esteem, being useful and talking to other adults, who treated me with respect. Not something I had been used to for a long time.
Would you consider volunteering somewhere? There are some good links on that article to find what opportunities there are out there.
Hi Anna, i was thinking of doing voluntary work. I have the form sitting next door. I decided to do a sponsored zip wire for Marie curie to do something exciting and to raise some money for a good cause. My mum had been in Marie curie. It was still thinking of volunteering but have to decide what i want to do. Its between three. And how many hours i want to do, also i need to see who'll look after my daughter. I don't really like leaving her. But i think i really need to be doing something.its her birthday today. She's one.
Hi Cheryl1388 and welcome from me
I am glad to hear that you are considering doing some voluntary work, like Anna i found my way back to myself through volunteering. The effects of an abusive relationship can leave the best of us confused and low in confidence and self esteem. The sponsered zip wire sounds exciting, (though not for someone like me who does not have a head for heights) when do you do it?
aah your girl is one today, do you have any plans? is there a reason you don't like leaving your little girl? though i do know how difficult it is to leave them when they are young, for me i did not want to leave them as this was an excuse for me not to do stuff for myself as i was lacking in confidence etc.
You could contact your local Family Information Service or speak with your health vistor to see what childcare is available locally, do any of the three options you are considering offer any childcare places or would they be able to contribute towards costs? alternately would a friend or family member be able to look after your daughter for a couple of hours once a week?
You sound like you would really like to do something, what could or would you do if you are unable to arrange childcare to do the volunatry work?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER cheryl 1388
I hope that you have a lovely day, everyone focusses on your child, but actually you are the one that gave birth and got her here today, so CONGRATS to you too!
Hi, Sally,
I do the zipwire on sat 19th May, I'm looking forward to it, I think it'll do me good. I will go ahead and fill the form in for volunteering, i think it takes a few months before anything would be offered as they have to do checks and interview. I don;t think they would have child care, but i'll ask my health visitor if she knows of anywhere, or there is my sister, but we don't have a great relationship. I'm taking my daughter to an open farm today. Her Dad had a party for her on Sat. I really felt it and cried all day. Anyway onwards and upwards.
Awk thanks Anna. x
I'll hopefully have a nice day. The sun's out so should be nice at the farm.
Hi cheryl11388
Hope the day at the farm was enjoyable and happy birthday to your daughter
URGH how difficult for you when her dad had that party, it does get easier I promise.
Voluntary work is a great idea. The other thing that Anna mentioned was changes to the house. One of the things my boys' dad did was to stop me having any pictures on the wall. I loved going out and buying a picture of my choice and hanging it in the lounge!!!!
Keep us posted with news on the zipwire challenge.
I do stuff with Scouts...
I noticed on the local news this morning that they're going to build a zipwire - second biggest in the world I think, not too far. Great for the Scouts I thought, until they said it will be 700 feet over a lake 
I'd have done it at one time...
Hi,
We had a good day yesterday. Saw loads of baby animals. They were really cute. They let her hold the bottle to feed the wee lambs and sang happy birthday to her. Have just been at the toddlers group this morning, i go to a few during the week, A enjoys them and its good to have somewhere to go. Some of them are really good. I have to go to court this Thursday to review the contact. Should be ok I think, but I want to keep the third party handover, Don't think i could keep my mouth shut if he was coming to the door. My solicitor was saying that it was a big ask for him to bring someone every time. Was wondering who's side he was on. But i'll stick to my decision either that or a contact centre. He's too much of a bully I know it wouldn't go well if it was just him. I've been thinking about him alot am going to have to try and stop it as he was not that great when he was here. I just want to try and get myself a bit of a social life before I crack up. lol Thanks for your comments don't feel quite so alone now. x
Hi cheryl
No, you are not on your own, there are plenty of us here who have been through much that sinle parenthood has to offer I am glad that you are getting out to the groups, have you made friends with any of the other parents? You could invite another mum and her child for coffee or even to meet you in the park?
I'm so glad you had a good day
Hi Louise. I talk to a few of the other mum 's but i haven't asked any of them for coffee. I'll try to do that over the next few weeks. X hi sparklinglime! How's things with you?
Hi cheryl, I always think it is hard to be the one who makes the first move but it is definitely worth a go, this is the new you!!!
Yesterday I asked the 'new' girl at work (she's a bit older than me and has now been there ages) if she fancied having a bar snack after my course is finished. Her face lit up and she said yes.
I just need to make sure that happens now.
It wasn't easy, as I had the fear of that 'that would be nice, but...'.
That's good sparkle. I suppose they can only say no. I suppose we think that we are the only ones that feel lonely or not that confident. I think everyone has insecurities. Hope you have a good time. I've beenlonely for ages now. But i have to do something about it.
Hi Cheryl1388
Just read all the recent posts whilst at work lool!
I have felt very similar to you recently (split now for 20 weeks). Have really tried to build up some more friendships and generally it has worked. Have also looked at Meetup.com but not actually gone to anything yet! but i have joined some groups where you get invites of things coming up so you could pick and choose. There is also an organisation called single with kids whereby single parents and the children do meet ups which is great I guess if childcare is an isse! But generally it is clear to see that there are many many people who want to broaden their friend groups etc and learn new things.
I personally also have found that doing things in the house, including hanging new pics! really helped me and I intend to do some more this week end.
please take care and keep posting!
x
Thanks, always feel a bit crap saying i have no friends. I do have friends, but mostly am in the house at night by myself. I don't know whether its because i don't have my mum. I joined meet ups. Was just looking at their site last nite. My sister and other friends are in relationships and i was going to different groups before i met him but he didn't want me going cause there was 3 guys that went and he thought it was a dating group. Plus he didn't want me hanging about with two friends of mine that i had known for over twenty years cause they are male. Plus he didn't like me using Facebook. Anyway that is in the past and am going to make a life for myself and kids. Was thinking of getting a baby sitter and going to a dance class. I don't want another relationship cause it takes your focus of your kids and i want to be there for them.
Lots of excellent ideas from you all here. Would you do something like zumba, cheryl?
i've been feeling really down today, keep wanting to ring someone to tell them how i'm feeling but i haven't been able to. That's not entirely true. I texted a friend and she got back to me an hour later with a text. Is it not right to expect somebody to want to listen or just make me feel that i'm ok and not going mad. Had an argument with my sister earlier, that annoyed me. I think i should stay away from her for a while. We don't get along and I always leave her feeling worse than I did before. I'll hopefully feel better tomorrow. Have to go and collect my daughter from her dad's from now on and will find that difficult. I did it last sunday with my son and it was very awkward. His mum was different with me and he came to the door. Its the first ive seen him from christmas. He was looking well. Must be the new girlfriend. When i left i could here them all laughing. His whole family was there. So thats going to be great. I'm going to see my mums cousin tomorrow hopefully ill be able to talk to her and tell her how im feeling though i dont know whether that would be right or not.
Hello cheryl1388
Yes I do hope you are able to talk to her, That sounds horrid doing that pick up and them all being there and laughing.
It's a hard thing to reach out for help and maybe it will take a bit more practice. Some people are better than others at listening. Don't forget that if you feel alone with a problem then the Samaritans are excellent, day or night 08457 909090, they have helped me a few times, I can tell you!
You have identified that your sister is someone who seems to upset you, can you identify other people in your life that do that, that you can avoid (obviously not your ex if you have to do the pick ups although would you be able to take anyone with you to do that?)
Let us know how you are and I hope you have a better day today.
Hi Louise, thanks for your reply and help. I'm just angry at the way I have been treated. This has been going on for a while. My sister is used to just saying what she wants and I don't usually stick up for myself because I had been unable to do so. But now I am feeling stronger and I speaking up for myself and it didn't go down well. I don't think I am going to have a relationship with her as I don't think she likes me and never has really. She calls my daughter a wee bitch and anything I say she never agrees with. We're just too different. I've tried to get on with her but she just doesn't want to know. I was giving her a lift to hospital yesterday as a favour and used to mind her kids all the time for her when she went away, which i never got any thanks for, so I stopped doing it. I'm thinking about moving away out of the city. I've wasted alot of time in bad relationships and just want to concentrate on me and my family for a change instead of trying to be everybodys counsellor and problem solver. Sorry about going on about my sister,I got really angry with my son last week cause I constantly give to him and never does anything for me. He's 15 1/2 now and I think its about time he started to do some things for himself. He never even got me a mothers day card, his dad used to get me them but stopped years ago and last year my ex got one for him to give to me. He wouldn't think of buying christmas cards, birthday cards or nothing. So I let him know how I was feeling at the way he never speaks to me or does anything and there's been a change thank God. My ex used to ignore me all the time and not speak to me and it just felt like my son was doing the same thing. He's been like this before ex came along. He is a quiet boy and is good, he doesn't give me any bother. But somebody never talking to me is really hard to deal with. He would have just came down for his dinner and then went up stairs again. I got him into ju-jitsu to get him out of the house which he likes. But apart from that he wouldn't have made any effort to do anything unless I took him out, and then he'd be sitting in the car not talking. I've took him to loads of things over the years and would like to see him make an effort of some sort. I could go on but I don't want you's to think that I'm mad. Its just frustrating but im sure every parent goes through it.
Yes, every parent does! It is a bit of an old wives tale that teenage girls argue with their parents over everything whereas teenage boys just go and sit in their bedroom for six years However I do agree with you that it is good to encourage him to develop social skills and confidence, after all he will be out in the world of work before long. I don't know where on the spectrum your son is at the moment but I know with mine we were having a treat (fish and chips for tea) and I refused to ask for them, said "you will have to say it" The next time, he went to the shop on his own.I have gradually withdawn from things I did for him, he is 17 now and goes to the doctor and optician on his own and although I give him a lift to the dentist, that's only because it is the other side of town, He has opened a bank account on his own and found part time work
I sometimes think that in our culture we molly coddle out kids until their sixteenth birthday then suddenly expect them to cope with a lot of things at once so I am sure you are right to think about this. I hope you get some hlep in the house as well?
As for your sister, that is not acceptable to call your daughter those names and I am glad you stood up for yourself.
Hi Cheryl. Welcome along. I'm sorry you haven't found helplines much use. One Space will offer you all the support and advice that you need. You're going through a rough time at the moment, and understandably you're angry that your ex has moved on with another woman. Of course he's telling you all these things about his new woman to get at you, and it's working, because you're letting it. Try and think maybe along the lines of 'he's not your problem anymore, you're out of the relationship where he put you down, didn't allow you to do things etc, and this woman will probably also have to put up with it'. Why do you think your family and friends don't care about you?
Please keep posting as others will be along at some point. What are your plans for today?